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smilie Offline OP
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Wayfarer: How is it that everything you say makes complete sense and is delivered in such a way that not only factual, but compassionate? Thank you. I didn't know that you were on anti-depressants - I'm sorry that you have had to endure all of this type of thing also. I am more angry that my stbxw has driven me to pills than I am at her leaving me. I despise myself for being this emotionally weak and if I had a regular income that supported me, then I doubt things would be this bad as the majority of my worries are financial and of feeling helpless (& useless).

Medication: I was talking with the Mental Health Team this morning as my doctor wanted assurance from them that the tablets he was prescribing were the right ones and wouldn't effect my condition. They said "Just give them a go", I said that I had done some research and found a medical paper that indicated that an SSRI could have a positive effect on Vestibular Migraine.

So I will be on Citalopram (Celexa) 10mg (low dose to start). Should take about 6 weeks to start having an effect on my brain. I hope it won't exacerbate VM symptoms.

I don't feel depressed though, just worried - perhaps it's all part of it.

Worry & Fixation: I think that the majority of my worry and anxiety is situational and that I have not got any control over it due to not having an income. It's the situation that I am in that I constantly try to find a solution to - so that's the fixation part probably. I have always been like this at work if I had a solution to find to an issue - it keeps going around in my head until I can find a way out. I think the only way out of this one is through.

I needed to go to the dental hygienist this morning. I parked just outside town along the road where we lived and walked into town. I have always done this, but this time it was hell. Every single memory from when we lived there and when she worked there, came bombing straight back into my mind. The time when she hurt her toe kicking a conker while we were walking down the lane to the pub, how we used to walk and hold hands walking everywhere and our strolls down to the shop, how I used to wait for her outside work sometimes for lunch, the shops we used to go in, the restaurants we used to go to, the routes we used to walk. All those "videos" played almost all together in my head so vividly - talk about torment.

For a few seconds I could imagine that everything was ok and I was just walking to meet the wife and I seemed to go back in time for just a few seconds and think that I was in a previous time - but I wasn't.

By the time I got to the dentist tears were welling up in my eyes and I could hardly speak. The more important thing is I couldn't walk properly all the way there & back to the car as this stress affects the way my body works I am finding and everything I see looks so strange - not real - dissociated.

GAL: I wish that I could do more. I wish that I could spend some time doing my Chi Gong course I brought last year. I wish that I could start fleshing out my business idea. It's the time though and I have to do some more work on the legal form - I shall put aside another hour after this. I have just phoned to get a statement of my state pension, that took a while and have just

Divorce/Money: I have no means of earning at the moment, so where will that leave me? Whereas if I didn't have this legal expense I would have been OK for a couple of years to work something out - this is just for the interim maintenance case, the divorce is only just getting to the financial bit. It's crazy, especially when assets are low, but I reckon she has hidden a lot of her financial stuff as this has been planned.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Please consider the 5-5-5 rule.
I shall give that a go. The hard bit is stopping the worry.

Not looking forward to the court thing. A friend has offered to be here with me for a cup of tea afterwards smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I am sorry this is happening to you. Going through my divorce was more painful than the pain I felt when my brother passed away.
I concur and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. This is definitely much more painful than when my father got killed in a head-on with an 18m truck. I wasn't that close to him, but he pain for this is much worse. I can't do too much until I know the outcome of the court hearing, so I shall take wayfarers advice here and find some neutral space somehow.

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During my healing, I learned that our bodies react to our thoughts. We may have repressed emotions, that involuntarily come out. Every time we think about something, we relive it and cause a reaction.
Yes they do. I have learned that too by studying Sydney Banks and Ekharte Tolle stuff in the past. The putting it to action seems like the challenge when you haven't practiced it beforehand enough and you're in the thick of it. I think a lot of my thoughts are unconscious as I wake up like it and then can't go back to sleep, then the conscious thoughts start to 'top them up' throughout the day.

I wish that I could pay for IC, as I can't get it on the state as they reckon that I'm too anxious. But my feeling is that from the start I have requested IC and not being put forward to it and waiting so long (3 months) has made me more anxious, so it seems to not makes sense.

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I learned to compartmentalize things. Finding balance in the different parts of my life. Controlling my thoughts instead of letting them control me. I would find time to let my emotions out. We are emotional beings and they need to come out. Finding ways to relief the stress is important as well.
Wow! Having done a search on compartmentalizing thoughts. I didn't know this was actually a strategy and thought that people just said it's what they did. I shall have a read of the stuff I've found.

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Can you schedule time to just be, no thinking? Watching the sunset from a park, or feeding birds or watching children play at a park? Walking the streets and just observing? Does the shaking stop?
For the first two days after my wife left, I started meditating, making that space. It was working fairly well. I was crying a lot then. As soon as she sent me the text to say she had somebody else and wouldn't be coming back, that's when the shaking started and the crying stopped.

I still do guided meditation, listen to hypnosis audios and sit in the quiet sometimes, but I can't stand the silence anymore. Can't bare sitting in the garden on the bench - I have always loved doing that, for years, now it's intolerable to think about it. I can't sit still even if I force myself. I used to go to the park, watch the ducks, go for a walk, have a chat with a couple who sit in their front garden, read a book, think, make lists of plans, go to the coffee shop to think. I was making plans to move and it all stopped as it all weighs on this court case. Then I felt stuck.

I still do a lot of that stuff though, but not so often as I am so busy sorting out paperwork, emails, phone calls (doctors, pension companies, mental health people & estate agents today - 4 hours!), etc. The weather is also sadly getting colder so less people about to chat to - apart from the local homeless people in the park. I chat to them as they sometimes need to talk to somebody too. I haven't actually tried to schedule any of these things though and your comment has helped me see that I have just been reacting to things, and feelings, rather than create a proper schedule to do stuff - so thank you for that.

However.....The shaking only seems to calm down when I hold a decent meaningful conversation, it never stops completely though, which is annoying and walking has been horrible since my wife left as I don;t feel in control of my legs - they feel so weak and wobbly.

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Same thing for crying? Can you find time to just let the tears flow? When you stop, does the shaking lessen or stop?
Crying is a strange one. At the start when she left, I couldn't stop. Since I've known the truth about what she has done, I can't start and if I do it's unexpected and short-lived, comes from nowhere and can be embarrassing, like today at the dentist. Tried clearing my mind while having my teeth cleaned, but the tears dribbled out of the corner of my eyes. But no, the shaking doesn't stop afterwards, but then I haven't really sat and felt like having a good cry.

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Just throwing some ideas out there for you to consider.
Yes thank you. I am certainly interested in the compartmentalization, now that I know it's a thing. I have also learned while replying that I should just possibly start with one thing and focus on that - spend time to sit and clear my mind for 5 or 10 minutes and extend it from there.

I can't believe that you guys have had to go through this stuff and probably with kids too. It must have been an absolute nightmare! But you're here and survived, so I should also, eh? (I won't die...).

Thank you
S, smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by smilie
I can't believe that you guys have had to go through this stuff and probably with kids too. It must have been an absolute nightmare! But you're here and survived, so I should also, eh? (I won't die...).
We slayed the dragon. Be a dragon slayer. We are more than surviving, we are thriving.

Some of my beliefs were reinforces while others were challenged and changed. The skills I learned during my divorce were extremely helpful while parenting as well.


I know you desire IC. You may want to do some research into EMDR therapy and see if that is something that may benefit you. I know MWD spoke of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).

There are many levels to the healing that needs to happen. Some can happen now and others may need to happen in the future.

Do as many enjoyable things this weekend as you can.

R2C


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by smilie
The weather is also sadly getting colder so less people about to chat to - apart from the local homeless people in the park. I chat to them as they sometimes need to talk to somebody too.
I have a friend who chats with the homeless and helps them weekly--e.g., offering books, cardboard, and blankets, helping them find odd jobs like gardening, and scaring off the occasional dangerous one. Looking at an uncertain financial future, you can perhaps relate to how normal people can get there. She does carry a knife on her and pulls it more than once a year, so exercise some caution as she does, but it's definitely a place where you can be useful, helpful, and do some meaningful good.

Originally Posted by smilie
I can't believe that you guys have had to go through this stuff and probably with kids too. It must have been an absolute nightmare! But you're here and survived, so I should also, eh? (I won't die...).
Well, I was never as shaky as you describe--every situation has commonalities but is also unique. Yes, breakups are almost always h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Kids make it harder and easier. It was an extra impetus to be a WAS from my XW. I love my kids, they love me, and I will always be their protector. I am never useless or helpless because they need me. Like Ready2Change, I didn't "survive" divorce. Free of my spouse, I woke up, and returned to living the life I did before marriage adventuring and traveling the country. That's been true as the LBS in a long-term relationship, too.

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It's the court hearing today for maintenance and I haven't slept in 3 days. I am beat, knackered and stressed beyond belief. But at least today I will know the outcome of maintenance and hopefully be able to plan a way forward from there. Everything is virtual and I have a meeting with the barrister at 1pm and the hearing is at 2pm.

I can't believe it's taken this long to get to this point. This was supposed to happen in the last week of June/first week of July.

My health has really declined over the past few weeks due to the effects of the stress of my neurological condition.

At least I will know by this afternoon where I stand.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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smilie,

Glad to hear your court hearing is today - finally having a result on the maintenance will bring you some financial relief and much-needed some peace of mind.

Are you able to get a prescription for a sleeping pill, or at least take nighttime Benadryl to help with the sleepless nights?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
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BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
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smilie Offline OP
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So the court hearing didn't go well and basically I have only been awarded 800/mnth. Rent here is 1,050 + bills + food, etc. Court's were not interested in the money she had taken and spent. They see it as not being available for it cannot be used or repaid.

She certainly had it all planned.

The only good news is that I now know what town she is living in (or around) and my guess was correct. So I now know that this affair has been going on for years possibly, even while we were living in that town also. I have found out who she really is and I do not like what I see.

So I am not better off at all.

As far as sleeping is concerned, I have sleeping pills but only get 2 or 3 hour sleep a night.

What a nightmare life. I am stopping all legal actions at the moment as my priority is to find a place to live again. Had I not taken my lawyer advice in June, I wold have had move by now to a different part of the country and would have had a roof over my heat for at least a year. The cost of going through the court to make me worse of is more than a years rent on a house - lesson learned.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Smilie, sorry the court day did not go as hoped. That must be disappointing. smirk

200/mo adds up to 12,000 in 5 years. Hiring them wasn't a total loss? I get one problem is now you've spent cash-on-hand and 200/mo is going to take years to add up. I wonder if there are any places near you that will give you credit or money now given you have court-ordered income?

Your attorney offered 2100/mo and her attorney offered 600/mo. Given the courts deemed 800/mo fair, it seems her attorney's ballpark estimate of what a court would deem reasonable was much better than your attorney's? I'd be tempted to hire a different attorney next time.

Originally Posted by smilie
As far as sleeping is concerned, I have sleeping pills but only get 2 or 3 hour sleep a night.
Omigosh. That's not much sleep. Getting to 4-6hrs should be a priority.

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smilie, this is why I was gently trying to nudge you to get you to consider other options. I was trying not to 2x4 you an clobber you and at the same time get you to see how precarious putting all your eggs into one basket was. You seem like the type that can only focus on one thing at a time. Once the legal motions were in place, you sat back and waited. You were paralyzed by the waiting. And it appears, unfortunately, that it was an all or nothing gamble.

Is there any reason you couldn't have done both? Had legal representation to move the legal stuff forward, AND look for another place to live? And now that you are focused SOLELY on looking for a place to live, you stop all legal action?

Admittedly, we only know the details you provide, and I get that your situation is likely much more complex than any of us know. But it appears you think very linearly, and that this causes you not to be able to multitask and juggle more than one thing. Unfortunately, life doesn't move linearly. I think some good therapy would help you with all this. The problem is that every time we offer suggestions to you, you come back with dozens of "reasons" why you cannot do that. I've told you this once before: where there is a will there is a way.

You have allowed yourself to be painted into the precarious place where your fate is up to your STBXW's doings or not doings. Can you look back and see how that is a recipe for disaster?

One last observation: How does this: "The only good news is that I now know what town she is living in (or around) and my guess was correct. So I now know that this affair has been going on for years possibly, even while we were living in that town also. I have found out who she really is and I do not like what I see." help you at all? YOu knew she was cheating. You knew was conniving. You knew she was something you didn't "like what you see". The only way this was eye-opening at all is if somewhere deep inside of you there was some hope that all of what you were doing would make her wake up and want to go back to the way things were. And if that is the case that is disappointing since you've insisted for weeks now that you do not want her back.

You need to start being honest with yourself, smilie. I see a man that is trying to convince himself of things that aren't true, that makes excuses for why things can't be different, gets myopic on a single thing, and then stews in his own misery (how many statements like "what a nightmare life" have you made in your threads?). You seem like a really nice guy. You seem like someone that deserves better. The problem in this world is that nice and deserves rarely gets you ahead without some blood, sweat, and tears along the way. So the question I would pose to myself if I were in your situation would be: "What can I do to improve my situation?"


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Hi Steve,

I guess from your perspective you're probably right how you see me and I am conscious how to answer your questions as I do not want to give the impression of making excuses - all I have been doing is following advice which hasn't worked out as I was led to believe, so here goes...

Originally Posted by SteveLW
Is there any reason you couldn't have done both? Had legal representation to move the legal stuff forward, AND look for another place to live?
Yes there was as far as my lawyer advised. This was exactly what I had previously done and have since been doing. The house that I found I was set up to move to until my lawyer told me that it would not be in my best interests and to wait to see what the courts come back with. The courts were delayed and so it took more than a few days. After 2 weeks the people renting the house pulled out and rented it to somebody else so I lost that. I then found another property closer to here and the lawyer said the same thing. The reason for this was that if I paid the full years rent out of "savings" (pension), then I could not claim this back as part of my claim and it would need to be reduced accordingly.

Similarly, the cost of the rent in the area I was looking at was the cheapest in the country and the lawyer informed me that if that rental amount was agreed as part of the claim, then if I were to move to a more expensive area then the courts wouldn't allow for the increase of rent.

Annoyingly, I found out from the barrister prior to the hearing, that the claim was short-term, while my lawyer gave the impressions that it was short-term, but then also would continue in part, longer term. This seems to have been wrong advice.

A claim for costs was also lodged, but I could not recover these and had to pay my own costs, even though my lawyer had stated that I would more than likely get some costs recovered - which is the only reason I agreed to go down this route.

Lesson learned. I have been constantly looking for places to live closer to home all the time, but there are very few places around the geographic are that I live as there are only small market towns and countryside, therefore less properties.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
And now that you are focused SOLELY on looking for a place to live, you stop all legal action?
The reason for this thinking is that with much reduced funds, I see my priority as finding a place to live and therefore do no want to keep spending money on high legal costs that will further diminish any remaining pension fund making it unable to move anywhere, if this makes sense? Plugging the leak if you like....

Maybe I am seeing this incorrectly?

Originally Posted by SteveLW
You have allowed yourself to be painted into the precarious place where your fate is up to your STBXW's doings or not doings. Can you look back and see how that is a recipe for disaster?
Yes I can see that. This entire thing has been planned. Each step of the way has been put into place and executed perfectly. Because she's a lawyer, my wife knows how to play the game. I did not expect her to be so evil as our relationship wasn't abusive or anything like that, so the way she has acted has both surprised me and deeply upset me. I could never treat anybody in this way, especially without due cause.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
One last observation: How does this: "The only good news is that I now know what town she is living in (or around) and my guess was correct.......
The area's around here are surrounded by countryside and there are only a few small market towns that are available to live near/in/around. Therefore because I know where she lives now, I know the main town that she will be in and therefore I know which to avoid moving near. It still makes it difficult and they are all about 30 minutes from each other anyway.

The rest of it was just making sense of the years passed. No, there was no hope of wanting her back. Yes I know she was conniving after I found what she had done prior to and after leaving, so it was eye-opening for me that it had more than likely been going on longer and why she wanted to move into the area and didn't want to move too far from it (we were planning to move to Spain a few years back, but when push came to shove she stopped showing interest).

Yes, this is a nightmare for me and I refer to it as such simply because that's how it feels. Quite simply, I do not know how to get out of this now and I have significantly less funds available and no income. This makes things significantly inflexible.

Sorry about making excuses, I was just sharing my experiences and truly can't see the way forward from where I am at the moment. In hindsight I should have gone with my gut, moved and not taken my lawyers advice, but one hopes that the advice they are given would pan out to some degree, which it would have had my wife not played the game the way she had. Apparently lying is ok and stating that you have spent the money that you took without permission, is also ok, as the courts cannot order money to be paid back that is not available. It's all crooked and wrong.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
So the question I would pose to myself if I were in your situation would be: "What can I do to improve my situation?"
It comes back to the same thing once again and where I was at the beginning of June - to find some place to live somewhere out of here, but now with very much depleted funds. The question for me to find an answer to is "How do I do that now....."

Last edited by smilie; 09/11/21 03:17 PM.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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