Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again #4

[Traveler]

To be clear, I trust doctors more than Google! I make heavy use of nurse lines and teledocs. My message isn’t to distrust any of these professionals, but if money is a factor you should be the one deciding if a $5,000 repair makes sense for you for your $10,000 vehicle.

[smilie]

Hmm, sounds like I haven't been savvy at all then. I think I've decided that I will put this entire divorce thing on hold until I can concentrate on moving. I'm at the Decree Nisi stage now so I think I can stop it there. I need to be able to think and sort out my living arrangements first.

I've just responded to my lawyer responding to my wife's 'Statement of Truth' as she asked me. So now I shall have to pay her to read through my response. I think she (the lawyer) has also stated that my wife's claim that she has no money left each month (which is clearly fictitious - mind-read yes),even though she is living with a guy with his own house, etc. so she has less outgoings, therefore more residual - will effect any long-term claim. I also think that I won't be able to claim costs as suggested. so I lose again for trusting - lost house, lost money - for what?

This whole thing makes me think what the point of being honest - I always lose out.

[Traveler]

This whole thing makes me think what the point of being honest - I always lose out.

Honesty is practical. Honesty builds trust and credit with others. Discovered lies do the opposite, so dishonest people often have to dedicate brain space to remember each set of lies.

I can't imagine having a disability and losing your home and most of your income.

[Traveler]

As for waiting for your motion or not--a key question is whether the court is likely to offer you significant temporary relief. Your lawyer should be able to tell you your expectations--and how much moving and/or starting a business would affect them--so you can decide whether it makes sense for you to wait or move on with finding a home and income.

[wayfarer]

My two cents here:

CW wasn't saying don't trust your lawyer, he's saying it's unusual to inherently trust someone solely based on their profession. It's admirable, but not wise. You're lawyer seems to be doing the best she can for you. Your ex is a crappy person who happens to be a lawyer. You can find crappy people in every field on the planet. Including non-profit and philanthropic work. There is nothing inherently trustworthy about any adult on the planet. And a job doesn't make a person a better person, it's just a job. The person who inhabits that job is what determines whether they are trustworthy or not.

I worked in the legal field a loooonnngg time. Lawyers come in all shapes and size of ego, intelligence and honorability. I watched a lawyer get served an abuse restraining order for his stbxw in the hall between cases. He was representing a kid who was detained by the state because of abuse from his parents. I watched another lawyer call his intern to schedule pickups during a trial week while representing a mother trying to get her kids back after her abusive ex finally got locked up. He had to get picked up because he had just gotten his 3rd DUI. People are deeply flawed and massively complicated. People are rarely who they seem to be on the surface, and if you're ever lucky enough to find people who are exactly who they say they are hold on to them.

Divorce like almost all civil proceedings are a he said she said. Her statement of truth is her version of the truth. Nothing more. Nothing less. It doesn't make it reality, but as it stands that's her perception. Simple forensic accounting, h3ll just looking at bank transactions, the truth about the money will come out. And we call that impeachable evidence. That makes her look like everything else she's said is a lie. She's an unreliable witness. This is not tragic. It actually bodes really well for you and your case. I'd honestly hope she had bigger lies.

If putting this D on pause is suitable to you financially, and in your best interest I'd say go for it. If it's not, if it's better for you to keep trucking along you should. I'm with CW discuss what both scenarios will mean for you with your lawyer. Staying informed and making decisions with as much information as possible and not making them on emotion is always in your best interest.

[smilie]

Thank you for all of your comments.

My lawyer has already indicated early on that in her opinion I have a good case, although I am a trifle concerned that my stbxw is saying she has no money at the end of each month, that she felt isolated in the relationship and how she text me to end the relationship just in case I tried to kill myself, my medical condition isn't real and I'm a lazy git who didn't take an interest in anything.

As far as the divorce goes, she has indicated that she will not contest it and therefore that process is now straight forward, the expense is coming from the maintenance claim.

----

I heard from my lawyer today with regard to the maintenance hearing. It's scheduled for 7th September. I need to attend court, but the good news is it's over video link. The bad news is that my lawyer has recommended that I have a barrister (@ 2,100gbp).

I wasn't aware that this would be the case and thought that the judge would just look at the case and decide and I certainly didn't expect to have to pay a barrister to represent me. I haven't responded at the moment as I am trying to weigh-up options - I have none. I either have a barrister, or not. My lawyer has said it's very important to have a good barrister.

All I can see though is money coming out of my pension fund and into the hands of the lawyer. I suppose in the end if it doesn't do that, then it will fall into the hands of my stbxw. Costs were supposed to be able to be claimed from her, but seeing as she is saying that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month - even though she moved into somebody else's already established house, compared to paying out for our needs over the past few years and having a fair bit of surplus, seems strange and a total fabrication. Apparently, she had no other alternative than to rent a car for 1,200gbp a month! seriously? She could have easily borrowed some money from her father (as she always has in the past) and purchased a second-hand car, then paid that off in a few months at that rate. She has also spent all the money that she had taken and I was fully aware of this and the account being closed ... apparently. All she keeps saying is that I did not take an interest in financial matters - again a total fabrication. I am being made out to be a lazy person who did not care about anything. So, what a lovely person she is showing herself to be.

I also have to complete financial forms for the Divorce which I was going to do today, but getting that email about a barrister started me panicking really bad again - which is all I seem to do these days.

I am very embarrassed to say that I am an emotional wreck. I have gone from a confident guy to a gibbering mess. Because of all the stress my neurological thing is making it so that I cannot think properly to organise anything and is the worst it has been since it started in 2014. The good news is that I have reached out to the relevant people (even though I feel disgusted with myself having to do this) who can help with finding housing and things, as I am really having a tough time trying to work it all out. I absolutely hate not being able to think and how it is exacerbated by this level of stress, which I can't seem to control despite doing meditation, mindfulness stuff, etc. I can't even seem to sit down for half hour to watch a programme.

I have been engaging in a few meetup groups which have been very beneficial, but I still can't concentrate on GAL too much as I seem to be on the phone, looking for houses to rent, or dealing with legal stuff. I'm in a house that I can't afford to rent with no money for food, bills, etc. without needing to use my pension fund. It is truly a worrying situation and one that I didn't expect to be in. I have managed to sell a few things that has given me some funds for groceries and fuel for the next two or three weeks.

The weekend job is to complete the divorce financial form - somehow as I haven't got access to all the information I need as it has been removed or discarded. Another one of her strategies perhaps? I also need to come to terms with paying for a barrister, I suppose it's just something I need to do.....

[BL42]

smilie,

I heard from my lawyer today with regard to the maintenance hearing. It's scheduled for 7th September. I need to attend court, but the good news is it's over video link.

Good! Now you have a specific date only 2-3 weeks away so you have a better understanding of the timeline. That must ease your anxiety. And if your L is right, you'll have some financial relief soon.

The bad news is that my lawyer has recommended that I have a barrister (@ 2,100gbp).

I wasn't aware that this would be the case and thought that the judge would just look at the case and decide and I certainly didn't expect to have to pay a barrister to represent me. I haven't responded at the moment as I am trying to weigh-up options - I have none. I either have a barrister, or not. My lawyer has said it's very important to have a good barrister.

I'm not a legal expert in the US let alone the UK - don't even know the difference between a lawyer and a barrister - but if your attorney says it's important to have a barrister I would if I were you. At the very least ask around other Ls for a second opinion or people who have been through this sitch to see if it lines up with your L's advice. You've been married 10+ years and your W makes all the income? If that means spousal maintenance will be significant I'd personally want to be well-represented to make sure my interests are served. Sure you may spend 2100gbp but if you stand to receive significantly more for years it might be worth the ROI.

All I can see though is money coming out of my pension fund and into the hands of the lawyer.

Yes, it's not fun to spend money for an attorney especially for a D you don't want. I had to pay my attorney AND fund a portion of my ExW's attorney fees even though she had the affair and was divorcing me all because of my state's laws. Oh well. It's over now. It is what it is.

I suppose in the end if it doesn't do that, then it will fall into the hands of my stbxw. Costs were supposed to be able to be claimed from her, but seeing as she is saying that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month - even though she moved into somebody else's already established house, compared to paying out for our needs over the past few years and having a fair bit of surplus, seems strange and a total fabrication. Apparently, she had no other alternative than to rent a car for 1,200gbp a month! seriously? She could have easily borrowed some money from her father (as she always has in the past) and purchased a second-hand car, then paid that off in a few months at that rate. She has also spent all the money that she had taken and I was fully aware of this and the account being closed ... apparently. All she keeps saying is that I did not take an interest in financial matters - again a total fabrication. I am being made out to be a lazy person who did not care about anything. So, what a lovely person she is showing herself to be.

Don't worry about what she's doing financially. If she rents an expensive car, that's on her now. The lawyers and courts will sort out your fair share regardless of what's she's spending her money on.

I also have to complete financial forms for the Divorce which I was going to do today, but getting that email about a barrister started me panicking really bad again - which is all I seem to do these days.

I've been there. After my ExW first filed I waited a few weeks to respond to emails (maybe out of denial) and this year I had a really strong 3-4 months but broke down a bit when I had to read through the first settlement proposal and when the D officially went through, but I'm stronger again now. You just need to keep moving forward.

I am very embarrassed to say that I am an emotional wreck. I have gone from a confident guy to a gibbering mess. Because of all the stress my neurological thing is making it so that I cannot think properly to organise anything and is the worst it has been since it started in 2014. The good news is that I have reached out to the relevant people (even though I feel disgusted with myself having to do this) who can help with finding housing and things, as I am really having a tough time trying to work it all out. I absolutely hate not being able to think and how it is exacerbated by this level of stress, which I can't seem to control despite doing meditation, mindfulness stuff, etc. I can't even seem to sit down for half hour to watch a programme.

Most of us here were an emotional wreck at one point. And there's no shame in reaching out to people for help. However, I'm going to be completely honest (and sorry if this sounds harsh) but...

You need to man up and pull yourself together. Sometimes it's hard to read through your thread as it comes off as a helpless child unable to take care of any aspect of your life. That's not attractive to anyone, let alone your W. I get the sense this is at least a contributing factor to her decision here. Things like internet access, apartment rentals. professional fees...etc. are things adults just need to be able to handle. Make a list of everything. Start with the small stuff and start checking things off one-by-one. As you check off more items your confidence will grow and you can start to tackle the bigger things.

I understand you have a medical condition and I don't pretend to know what that's like to deal with but once the court date / spousal maintenance is settle you need to get a job. Not just because you need it financially, and certainly not to win back your Ex, but also because doing something - anything, even if it's not the ultimate career - will make you feel like you have a purpose and contributing to society and that will build confidence and accomplishment.

I have been engaging in a few meetup groups which have been very beneficial

Good!

but I still can't concentrate on GAL too much as I seem to be on the phone, looking for houses to rent, or dealing with legal stuff. I'm in a house that I can't afford to rent with no money for food, bills, etc. without needing to use my pension fund. It is truly a worrying situation and one that I didn't expect to be in. I have managed to sell a few things that has given me some funds for groceries and fuel for the next two or three weeks.

Even getting just getting the basics of your life together - checking things off the list - is a good start. You'll build confidence in yourself and feel accomplished and that can snow ball.

[Traveler]

Hi Smilie,

I agree with BL42 that you’d only need a small bump in maintenance (e.g., 50gbp/month) over the current proposal to make a 2100gbp barrister worthwhile. Money over time adds up!

Is 2100gbp a good price? Call 2-3 other barristers nearby who either friends recommend or have many good Yelp reviews and compare their estimates.

Should you bother with court? Hopefully you’re going there because their attorney offered $a/month, your attorney countered with $b/month (the amount they expect the court would award) and your stbxw declined. If the difference between $a and $b is $50+/mo, going to court should be a win. I hope with your attorney you’re talking $$$ and odds, and only using vague terms like “good case” with us.

All I can see though is money coming out of my pension fund and into the hands of the lawyer. I suppose in the end if it doesn't do that, then it will fall into the hands of my stbxw.

Worry about $$$ for smiley, not $$$ for attorney vs stbxw. Let them worry about themselves? (:

[Traveler]

PS - This week my car’s Check Engine light was on. Mechanic #1 (2-star Yelp) told me it was an AC problem so I went to an AC shop and they told me my AC was fine. Mechanic #2 (4-star Yelp) told me it was likely a complex problem since a previous mechanic tried and failed and they like to be comprehensive—it would cost $400+ and take two days. Mechanic #3 (Chain) told me it was a faulty sensor and would cost exactly $200 and take 1 day. I googled how to replace the sensor. It cost me $100 and two hours.

I trusted the mechanics but not blindly. It was a typical time vs. effort situation. Many people would’ve been satisfied with either mechanic #2 or mechanic #3.

[smilie]

Most of us here were an emotional wreck at one point. And there's no shame in reaching out to people for help. However, I'm going to be completely honest (and sorry if this sounds harsh) but...

You need to man up and pull yourself together. Sometimes it's hard to read through your thread as it comes off as a helpless child unable to take care of any aspect of your life. That's not attractive to anyone, let alone your W. I get the sense this is at least a contributing factor to her decision here. Things like internet access, apartment rentals. professional fees...etc. are things adults just need to be able to handle. Make a list of everything. Start with the small stuff and start checking things off one-by-one. As you check off more items your confidence will grow and you can start to tackle the bigger things.

Thank you for your honesty. You know, I never used to come across like that but I do feel a bit lost as the wife had all the control, has taken all the information and funds and kept springing on surprise after surprise. My self-esteem has gone down the pan with this illness and subsequently her leaving the way she did. I think the worst part was that I didn't ever expect the she would do such awful things. It has got to me emotionally and that's probably how I come across when I'm an emotional wreck and panicking all the time! Sorry. Who would ever believe I used to be an IT Manager for a legal firm and make decisions all day long and was really confident. I'm just a shadow of that now and it is embarrassing.

I am getting things sorted. Internet was a worry and that's sorted and there's a couple of houses I'm interested in in the next town from here that used to be our regular place to go when we lived in our previous property. Called the agents today, but half day Saturday. I drive down to have a look at them anyway just to get an idea

I understand you have a medical condition and I don't pretend to know what that's like to deal with but once the court date / spousal maintenance is settle you need to get a job. Not just because you need it financially, and certainly not to win back your Ex, but also because doing something - anything, even if it's not the ultimate career - will make you feel like you have a purpose and contributing to society and that will build confidence and accomplishment.

I agree that would be both beneficial and ideal! However, there's the rub! I have been wanting to work now for the past 5+ years, but this ruddy condition won't let me hold a traditional type employment. I try to explain this to people as everybody says the same thing - and I agree - but I would be at work for less than a few hours before I had to go and then be off for a day or so. I would be at work 50% of the time at best. I need something that's not a traditional job that I can do my own hours. I've always fancied running a coffee shop, but that's not easy these days or cheap. The wife and I (well, me really) have had some ideas over the past few years to get to bring in an alternate income, but nothing really hit off, as explained before that I was waiting to her to do stuff together like she said she wanted. But I get started, have a vertigo attack and will be out of action for a fair few weeks. It is so very frustrating. I have been looking around for a suitable position, but if it keeps to traditional times, involves sitting at a desk, looking down (or up), looking at a PC, needing to wear reading glasses, bending over, lifting stuff or walking around a lot, then count me out ... especially if it's in a supermarket as that's the worst environment ever! I really miss my job, I was an IT Manager, then an IT Consultant. I'll have to get some ideas, but I would prefer to work for myself. In her statement of truth the wife keeps saying about how I could do gardening or window cleaning - she knows full well I can't as just doing these at home is a chore and requires an hour or two rest in between to stop spinning - especially mowing the lawn. Not excuses, although I can see why people would think that they were. I was looking at a whole lot of "live-in" jobs to try to kill two birds with one stone (job and housing), but they always need skilled people - gardeners with horticultural qualifications, carers, etc.

I really have no ideas and both the wife and I have been trying to think about something for years - she was even in agreement that it would be almost impossible for me to hold down a job ... now she's changed her mind.

If anybody has any idea though that I haven't thought of, please share.

(P.S. It's taken me 1.5 hours to type this reply for regular breaks).