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Replying to BL42 That is how I felt about him reaching out to the Chaplain and with the Strong Bonds, I have already decided I'm going to take him up on his offer for the Strong Bonds, It sounds like a rewarding event. I think Im just going to take my time before telling him as to not seem to eager as so many on here suggest.

Also I haven't reached out to him yet but he did send me a message saying "I made it safely to work earlier, I apologize for not letting you know sooner I was a bit late, my meeting with the Chaplain was very eye opening and I would very much like it if you would have dinner with me sometime this week so we can talk. I hope you have a good day, I love you."

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Originally Posted by Artemis1
Replying to BL42 That is how I felt about him reaching out to the Chaplain and with the Strong Bonds, I have already decided I'm going to take him up on his offer for the Strong Bonds, It sounds like a rewarding event. I think Im just going to take my time before telling him as to not seem to eager as so many on here suggest.

Also I haven't reached out to him yet but he did send me a message saying "I made it safely to work earlier, I apologize for not letting you know sooner I was a bit late, my meeting with the Chaplain was very eye opening and I would very much like it if you would have dinner with me sometime this week so we can talk. I hope you have a good day, I love you."





I see no question. I wouldn't respond.

Last edited by SteveLW; 07/27/21 01:58 PM.

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You�re young. You don�t have kids with this guy. He�s been looking for some strange since the first year of your marriage. This is a character issue. Don�t make the mistakes I did.

My ex slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding. When I learned about it later I chalked it up to premarital jitters. Six months later I discovered the journal where he was still mooning over her. I tried to kick him out but he pleaded and our marriage seemed to recover. We went on to have 3 kids who were devastated when he had an affair when they were preteens/early teens. I DB�d like mad and we reconciled and actually had a few good years before he turned 50 and went off in a cloud of midlife crisis.

I�m divorced 12 years now and my post divorce life has been great. Every man I�ve dated since has treated me better than my ex did. My adult children have a strained relationship with their father because of his narcissism, not because of the divorce. I look back and realize there were probably other incidents during our 26 years together that I just didn�t recognize at the time.

Someone cheating so frequently do early in your marriage has a serious character problem of some kind. The odds of this changing are slim, even if he makes all the right noises. Look at what his behavior tells you. Don�t do what I did - I took a chance on my ex, and my adult children have paid the price in pain.

Get out and find yourself a man who cherishes you and will make a great dad. He�s not it.

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Oh I see you have a son from a previous relationship. Does his father pay child support? If not, why not? Do you have a career? If not, what can you do today to start working on one?

Even if you reconcile, you need to set your self up so you are NEVER financially stuck in the situation ever again. Do NOT get pregnant with this guy. Go to school, start a business, whatever you need to do to become self supporting. It may take time but start it now .

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So not too much has changed since what Ive posted about going on about a week ago. My H is still talking to people trying to work on himself. I'm still going out with friends, working, spending time with our son, hes been spending more time with him to in his free time then he has lately. We did go on a float trip the other day, kayaking, its one of the things we always did together and he invited me so I said yes. And it was a really great day. Its only been like 2 weeks since my H has turned around a bit so I'm nowhere near believing it fully or anything, I'm very very trepedacious. Just trying to give detail, the last 2 weeks he as I have said been to counseling twice now actually, alone, has been kind, no angry outburst or anything like that.

One thing thats been throwing me is he has started to say "Forever" again. About the time we got engaged it was just this think we said at the end of the night or conversation, when we would leave for work. Like "I love you and Forever Love" first time my H said this was output to me before work and I just said "Be safe" and left. Next time was over a text a few days ago saying I miss you, Forever Love... Again I didnt respond. (I originally thought that it was a habit and by accident) but he hadnt said it for about 2 months until now. And then again today he said it again, once again I sort of slid around it and didn't acknowledge it.

I dont say something unless I mean it, its going to be a LONG time before I'd ever want to say that again. I guess its really just throwing me lately with how often hes saying it. I dont know if I should say something about it to him or just keep ignoring it.

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A,

I really think you are doing a good job. You can respond to those texts with something like �I hope you are having a good day�. If he pushes you just tell him �I really need some time to think things through�. You want to see consistent actions from him for a really long time. 6 months minimum for you to see he is really committing back to the marriage. It�s very important that you don�t give in too easy. Keep GAL.

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Originally Posted by Artemis1
So not too much has changed since what Ive posted about going on about a week ago. My H is still talking to people trying to work on himself. I'm still going out with friends, working, spending time with our son, hes been spending more time with him to in his free time then he has lately. We did go on a float trip the other day, kayaking, its one of the things we always did together and he invited me so I said yes. And it was a really great day. Its only been like 2 weeks since my H has turned around a bit so I'm nowhere near believing it fully or anything, I'm very very trepedacious. Just trying to give detail, the last 2 weeks he as I have said been to counseling twice now actually, alone, has been kind, no angry outburst or anything like that.

One thing thats been throwing me is he has started to say "Forever" again. About the time we got engaged it was just this think we said at the end of the night or conversation, when we would leave for work. Like "I love you and Forever Love" first time my H said this was output to me before work and I just said "Be safe" and left. Next time was over a text a few days ago saying I miss you, Forever Love... Again I didnt respond. (I originally thought that it was a habit and by accident) but he hadnt said it for about 2 months until now. And then again today he said it again, once again I sort of slid around it and didn't acknowledge it.

I dont say something unless I mean it, its going to be a LONG time before I'd ever want to say that again. I guess its really just throwing me lately with how often hes saying it. I dont know if I should say something about it to him or just keep ignoring it.

Something that hasn't been mentioned on the board in a while (that I've seen) is the idea of temperature checks. A lot of times when LBSs get really good at DBing, the WAS will temp check....to see if you are still on the hook. I think you taking this trepidatiously is very wise. To reiterate: you will know he wants to R when his actions are consistent over a long period of time. Think 6 months or longer.

So keep doing what you are doing. Also, next time he invites you on a kayak trip be busy! Being too available is not a good thing. Remember, while he does show signs of wanting to come back, he did BD you! So be moving forward without him, until he makes it completely obviously clear that he REALLY wants to stay.


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Originally Posted by Artemis1
My H is still talking to people trying to work on himself.
What about you? Are you in IC?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Oh honey - let's break this down, ok?

First of all - DBing can be good where there is a longstanding marriage with kids involved, and a previously good spouse who has just temporarily lost their way.

It's NOT good for a young marriage where there has been a pattern of (sociopathic) cheating from the beginning!

Let's break it down. He cheated on you a year into the relationship with a woman who didn't know he was in a relationship (I know, I know, he tells you he didn't sleep with her but either he's lying about that, or it was an emotional affair. Either way, he was trolling for other women while he was with you and lying to them about it).

Then in Nov 2020 he does the same dang thing for two months. Again, deceiving the woman he's talking to. Deceiving you. And I reiterate, emotional affair or physical, it doesn't matter, it's a betrayal. And it's going on in the FIRST YEAR of your marriage!

Then he blows up at you at the rodeo because you haven't left yet (he was most likely planning something or had a woman coming there that night). Then you find out he slept with another woman, AGAIN without her knowing he was married. And you discovered he has a Tinder account!

Why are you saving this marriage???? This is not a guy who slipped up once. This is not a guy who is talking to "female friends". This is a guy who is trolling for other women, deceiving THEM as well as you, and doing it all in the very early phases of your marriage. It's not even a guy who just accidentally got too close to a coworker and developed feelings - this is a guy who is GOING OUT TROLLING for other women and lying to THEM about being single! And you may not even know the half of it - you only know about the things you discovered.

You're young. He's showing you already that he has a major character flaw. Read the book The Sociopath Next Door (it's short). He might go to counseling (or claim he is). He might tell you he'll stop. But the odds of him completely turning his life around and never doing this again are really slim to none. He needs a 12 step program like Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous.

I know this sounds harsh and is not what you want to hear. But take it from a veteran who has heard it all here on these boards. This is pathological behavior. It's not just about his addiction. Those people usually have affairs with willing partners who know they're married, or go to hookers or on sites like Ashley Madison that are specifically for people having affairs. No, he's seeking out innocent women that he dupes into thinking he's single! (Shades of Scott Peterson, although even his was an affair of opportunity, he wasn't out trolling for women to deceive).

Get yourself into some individual counseling and find out why you deserve someone better. Learn how you ignored the red flags. Figure out how you got fooled by this guy in the first place. Learn about people with dark triad personality disorders, and how charming and deceiving they can be. Save up some money so you can move out. Focus on your career. And come on back to the Surviving the Bid D thread when you're ready. There's life on the other side. Not all marriages should be saved.

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