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Well I came home, probably an hour after my H thought I'd be home, he seemed fine. But after a minute asked where our son was, I told him he was with my mom because I'm working a long shift tomorrow and he immediately got upset and started to raise his voice saying great now hes going to have bad habits again. (My mom doesn't do all the rules we like her to with our son, he gets away with more over there so my H always has issues with it, but obviously I'm not going to keep him from his family) anyways he gets bad habits from my H's mither as well. Such as never being off her tablet when hes there. I tried to point this out and my H just said well I only notice issues after your family.... Obviously I was pissed but I just said "Listen I don't want to be pulled into a fight, in going to walk away and if you want to we can discuss this civilly or drop it for tonight" My H got really mad then and said between "I wasnt being irrate I was trying to talk to you, or you just try to say all these logical things but it diesnt make it the truth (not sure what that means) and I attenpted again my saying "I would like to not argue may we please stop this" he said okay and then underhis breath said "this is why we are getting a D" at this point I told him "that was inappropriate. Anyways to leave it all to its end, he got up and starting packing his work clothes for the next day without saying a word. I didnt know as I didnt follow him but had to go upstairs to put some stuff up and saw so I asked him "are you staying somehwere else tonight" and he said yes hes going to his mom's. And he got in his car and left.

I dont sleep well other places but I'm considering going to a friends tonight as staying In our rather big empty house with the negative energy in it feels suffocating a bit at the moment.

Anyways I wasnt prepared for that very confusing blow up, I think I handled at least some of it well but if theres anything else I could have handled differently or better, I am all ears smile

Also I am surprisingly calm right now, I dont believe if I had found DR or this website and all of you I would be. I'd be in tears and anxiety ridden and I feel strangely okay, not that it doesnt hurt still it does but I'm not torn apart by it.

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This is all very predictable.

He’s creating arguments so he can storm off and either stay with the other woman. Or stay at his moms and communicate with her.

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Thornton nailed it. WSs in particular will invent reasons to be obstinate. If you go left they'll say you should go right. Go right and they'll say you should go left. Either it is to run to the OP, or to justify the D, or just so they can be mad at the world.

Good job not taking it personally. This, believe it or not, had less to do with you than you think it does.

Last edited by SteveLW; 07/18/21 02:10 AM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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He did go to his moms, she called me and told me, we are on good twems most the time thanks to her watching my son. Even though she is toxic in alot of other ways. Anyways I had to drive over there to give her babysitting money and my H was there, and he had just told her we had an argument and he had a really bad day at work and we just needed a night apart. I was very surprised he told her this and didn't tell her specifics with our situation. He was calmer and we talked for a minute about thw argument and left things better. I didnt engage him first or for more then about 2 minutes before I told him goodbye and left to stay at a friends.

I definitely say its for him to justify the D. And to try to take blame for his actions and put them on me. It feels like he is constantly trying find something to blame on me for the D.

And thank you, I'm surprised at how calm I still feel thats for sure. I'm very thankful gor everyone here helping me get to this point.

Also that last sentence about it not not having so much to do with me etc... I needed to hear that, I just read it and felt more relaxed and had my inner turmoil calm down. It truly helped me.

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A,

You really need to give him space right now. It is also very important that you are mysterious right now and he should have to wonder where you stand. The longer he goes knowing he has a soft place to land if his A goes sideways the longer he will jerk you around.

Seriously you have to pay his mother to spend time with your son? Why couldn’t he just pay her?

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Not sure if you saw it before, but I highly recommend Love Must Be Tough for your sitch Artemis


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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I am getting much better about space and being mysterious. Staying at a friend's and he doesnt even know and if he asks I'm not giving him details. And she babysits him and doesn't have a job. She needs help with bills etc. My H pays car payments etc so I pay her, not even alot honestly. We split bills a certain way thats all.

And I will look into that book for sure

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Also wandering on some more specific advice on something. So with not thinking of negative thoughts people on here and in DR suggest to picture a stop sign when negative thoughts start to invade. This specific technique helps me tremendously. People say detach and don't contact them etc. And I get that but its so general. Just like saying dont thing about negative thoughts, that didnt help me hut the specific stop sign solution did. In other words I do better when I'm given specific techniques or solutions to Try.

With that said does anyone have any specific techniques or solutions they did whenever they had the urge to contact their WAS?

Ive cut contact pretty well but I still get a intense urge to reach out and I tell myself not to, but I don't always win, so if anybody has any suggestions for me, I would very much appreciate it.

Side note on my situation, after what happened last night that I told you all about. This morning my H texted me "Hey just letting you know I'm working the first few hours by myself this morning, and that ive made it to work, have a good day" that was 4 hours ago now and I havent replied. Trying to go the whole day without replying currently.

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Whenever I wanted to contact my EX I just found something to keep me busy. I found if I stayed busy I was good. I started cooking some of the most elaborate meals that took hours. But hey it did the trick. I got into retro gaming so that was good. I got myself a motorcycle which the ex hated and I wasn’t allowed to have one in my previous life and that takes a lot of concentration and focus. I started planning trips etc. on really bad days I would try to go places that didn’t have cell service. There’s a hiking trail about 30 mins away that I could go to and spend the afternoon and that did the trick. Are there any hobbies you enjoy that your H didn’t? Maybe some you stopped doing after you got married that you could get back into and there would be no memories to associate with him?


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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Thanks JosephS, that's very helpful. I hiked alot but it was sort of a thing we got into together, but I think I could still get back into it without having too many memories to make it harder. Trying to find karaoke near me. I use to go every Tuesday snd then the place got rid of it, but I was much happier rhe months I did that so I'm trying to get back to it. We honestly did alot together, cooking, painting, we were always very advemterous with hobbies. So I'm trying to really try to find new hobbies.

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