Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
I know a lot of you don't believe me when I say that I think that my wife is a covert narcissist. But her behaviour is exactly what is described here in the video by Kim Saeed:

The Dark Triad - Are We Gaslighting Ourselves About Narcissism?

- Lack of Empathy
- Willing to see you suffer and destroy you without flinching
- Multiple Targets - Me, OM, Partner woman at her work
- Grooming OM prior to leaving me. etc.

This entire video is exactly my experience and yes it has WW parts of it, but she's taken all the savings, pushing blame on to me suggesting that I'm not "willing" to work, has systematically depleted our savings and/or transferred them elsewhere, is doing everything in her power not to supply spousal maintenance, has been cold, calculated and systematic in her execution. Even spending money on the garden and letting me do all that work growing and planting veg knowing that she was going and that it would all be a waste of time and money. I knew she didn't seem very interested in it, now I know why!


There is also another video explaining Covert Narcissism (I've started the link where the signs start):

Covert Narcissim

1. Something empty inside them. I've felt this. The feeling of lack of closeness for one. I would grab her and give her a squidge, but she never used to do anything like that with me. Never pinched my bum or showed any impulsive form of affection. Also no emotion behind their word, especially in a heart-to-heart or argument. She kept straight and showed not one bit of emotion at all, like one would expect. She very rarely cried and if she did. it wasn't for long - she didn't even cry the day her mum died. Feel like she was going through the motions, being impersonal - this is how sex felt, like I was just there to supply the part that she required. No feelings of closeness, kisses, hugs, etc. She used to go 'inside herself'. I always thought that was strange since day 1 and just got used to it I suppose.

2. Aloof. As above, no displays of affection towards me - ever, unless I instigated. Same bed, same sofa, but she never came for a cuddle watching TV, always kept her personal space. If I approached for a cuddle she would, but then that was it - unless she wanted sex.

3. Feeling belittled. I felt that I was less than her as I couldn't work. I wanted to cook the meals each day for when she came home from work, but she said no as it would be too early. She then used to do it and wouldn't let me help. Every time! Then she can say to others that I don't help cook. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing and that she knew best and I trusted that and then she capitaliazes on that. When we used to go to her work do's, I used to feel like I was standing in her shadow, even though I could start and hold conversation with everybody else, I felt that I was there to prop her up and that she viewed me as lower than her as I didn't work (rather than her equal) - and all of her work colleagues probably knew it, so they could think of me as a lazy git.

4. Emotional Starvation. Feeling alone in the relationship, like she is doing her thing and I'm doing mine. She never wanted to work on things together even though she said she did. Feeling changed as soon as we got married - as soon as. No sex for 3 days after wedding, not even on wedding night. Off on honeymoon next day, so "need to get sleep". It was only me that suggested going anywhere, only me that gave her a hug (unless in bed and she wanted sex), only me that suggested going out for a drink or a meal. She gladly accepted, but the suggestions were always mine.

5. Passive-Aggressiveness. <- This. Didn't talk much though, although very short on action - used to say she wanted to start business together, but didn't act and disregarded the idea until I raised it again. She never did. Didn't argue with me. Always agreed with my ideas & suggestions - even my mates wife said this the year we got married, that she always agreed with what I said, wanted to do, or ideas.

6. Repelled by Sexual Advances. Never really saw this, but she used to ensure that she acted in such a way as to "send the message" that she wasn't interested in sex - always the Kindle! When she didn't grab the Kindle and wanted a hug, that was 'code' for she wanted sex. Every time. She never wanted to talk about our sex life.


Everything this lady says is/was my wife ... everything. The love-bombing stage was for the first few years and died down when we started to arrange the wedding.

Is it that WW or MLC behaviour is exactly the same as narcissism, or is she actually a covert narcissist?

So am I getting it wrong? Yes I'm still trying to work stuff out, but I am interested what others see here, as I think that this is the case. Not that it matters anymore, but the behaviours described in both of these videos almost fit my wife like a glove.

Last edited by smilie; 07/18/21 01:49 PM.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
I see a LBS in pain and anger demonizing their WAS and not taking responsibility for their own choices. I get finding empathy for your WAS is a bit much at the moment. Where I would try to curb your behavior is where you spend time mind-reading her motivations. I would also not invest so much energy into negative things that could happen. Do some basic preparation, but focus most on what’s actually happening. Good luck!

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Let’s say she is a narcissist. Now what? What are you going to do about it?

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Let’s talk backup planning.

It makes sense that your STBXW having moved out and moved on may not want to continue spending her income on your Internet. A reasonable guess is your access will end when the next billing cycle hits. You asked for the passwords and she declined. I doubt giving you more control would make her life easier.

A reasonable backup plan would be “Hey neighbor/landlord, I’ve been having Internet issues. If I get cut off may I use yours for a couple of hours?” A backup plan just needs to ensure you’re not dead in the water. You don’t need to go as far as switching over or choosing the best antenna for that “what if” scenario now. You can wait until it happens to invest that time, energy, and money. That’s better invested now in finding a new place.

A month ago my car was having issues. I knew I had to get to a certain work appointment even if my car broke down. I called a rental shop, and asked if they had cars tomorrow. They said they did. That was good enough. The next day, my car did break down. I did not actually end up using the rental shop. It was just a back up plan to know I wasn’t dead in the water. I ended up negotiating a start time for the appointment one hour later. I ended up negotiating a time to get my car running that was three hours earlier. It cost less than the rental fee. But I did not need to negotiate that ahead of time. That would’ve been a waste of energy if my car has been fine.

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
I did the same thing, Smilie.

I just couldn’t reconcile why my ex left me. I needed a reason so I started reading up on personality disorders, and like you, I noticed some similarities in my ex.

I would feel better for a while because now I could point the finger. And it felt better for me to be the victim for some reason.

It’s been almost 2 years of no contact for me since we split up. And looking back, I think doing all that work trying to diagnose her did nothing for me. It took the focus off of my own healing.

So even if your ex is a narcissist, it doesn’t change the past. And since we can’t change the past (and I’m assuming you would not want to get back with a narcissist), that only leaves you in the present.

What can you do today to make tomorrow better? Stay focused on you.

Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 569
Likes: 46
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 569
Likes: 46
I’m sorry you’re going through this and doing everything you can to find a reason and understand. But the bottom line is even if she tells you it doesn’t mean she isn’t lying. You’ll never know what really happened. It could be she never cared to she got burned out on the marriage and the feeling of having everything on her shoulders. To anything in between. At the end of the day she left, at the end of the day for now it’s over. And the whys do not matter.

What matters is how are you going to heal from this? How are you going to handle the new obstacles that you will face. Are you going to sit around and spend the next year trying to figure this out until you give up and then start trying to heal and move on? Or are you going to start now?

As hard as it is for you to accept (and trust me I understand and we’ve all been there) for now it’s over. Focus on you. Focus on what part you may have played in it so you can be a better person for the next relationship if you choose to have one. Focus on making sure you are ok and will be ok. Focus on what you can do to have some fun. Do you have any family or friends you could reconnect with? What hobbies were you interested in before you were married? Could you read, do puzzles, color, paint, build model cars? Maybe you could learn a new skill.

Please try to remember, it doesn’t matter why she’s turned into this. It doesn’t matter if she’s always been this way. It doesn’t matter if she’s a narcissist or the kindest person in the world. Because it doesn’t change your situation. Only you can change your situation and you are and can be responsible for your happiness.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
S,

I read in a book once that a dumpee will try to diagnose the dumper with MLC, NDP etc so they can convince themselves that they can still love them because they are not in their right mind. If they were they would certainly never do this to the dumpee.

I have gotten flack in the past for calling WS $hitty people and have since then rethought it and changed it to selfish people.

Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Let’s say she is a narcissist. Now what? What are you going to do about it?

Nothing, I'm just wondering - that's all. Not trying to pass blame in the least. I just wondered if there was a possibility.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I see a LBS in pain and anger demonizing their WAS and not taking responsibility for their own choices. I get finding empathy for your WAS is a bit much at the moment. Where I would try to curb your behavior is where you spend time mind-reading her motivations. I would also not invest so much energy into negative things that could happen. Do some basic preparation, but focus most on what’s actually happening. Good luck!

In pain, yes - anger? Not so much. I am taking responsibility for my own choices, of course. I am just trying to understand the likelihood, not to portion blame. Please don't get me wrong here. I like to try to understand as much as I can about stuff, especially so that I know how to recognise these types of things again. It's so hard trying to come across properly in text. I must be coming across really bad..... frown

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Internet. She hasn't declined to supply the information, just hasn't supplied it.

I can't understand why she hasn't as I could then change the bank details to come from my account, therefore I won't lose internet. It would make her life easier as she then hasn't got to deal with it. It is my belief that she is purposely going to cancel stuff with no notice - which is a very nasty thing to do and controlling.

I went to have a chat with my neighbour and they have gone away on holiday it would seem - which is a pain. I don't know when the next billing cycle is as they can't give me any information as I can't get past the security questions on the account. Apparently I am named on the account, but they won't give me access. I shall have to wait to see what the courts decide now. I can always go to the pub, but I do a lot of my stuff in the evenings and I need a big screen. I shall do what I can for now.

Just finished shortlisting properties. Not too sure about the areas as I've never been, but doesn't look too bad on the internet. There's 5 all around the same area (after after just over a 4 hour drive). I shall call the agents tomorrow see how the ground lies. All the procedures here in the UK seemed to have changed and now you need to apply after you've seen the property, rather than just say "Yeah, I'll take it".


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by Thornton
I did the same thing, Smilie.

I just couldn’t reconcile why my ex left me. I needed a reason so I started reading up on personality disorders, and like you, I noticed some similarities in my ex.

I would feel better for a while because now I could point the finger. And it felt better for me to be the victim for some reason.

What can you do today to make tomorrow better? Stay focused on you.

It's not my intention to point fingers. I'm looking back over our relationship and noticing these tendencies. I'm not saying that it would be her fault or anything, but it would just give me a better understanding of maybe why she exhibited that type of behaviour. If not narcissistic, then what? I can't just accept that somebody can treat somebody they have lived with for 19 years and been married to in such a crazy and appalling manner and as if they are their worst enemy in the world, when I have treated her really well. It's the way she seems to absolutely hate my guts and wants to go out of her way to grind me into the ground - that is what I am trying to understand.

I get that maybe I am coming across like I'm playing the victim, but I don't feel that I am. I just cannot understand this emotionally violent behaviour when I have never known her to be like that in the 21 years that I've known her or in the 19 years we have been together. It's like I mistreated her really badly. Crazy.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard