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Originally Posted by smilie
Do you think this applies to everybody or just those who have problems communicating?

It applies to everyone but especially people who have communicating problems.

Originally Posted by smilie
For me I held no resentment for my wife. If I had an issue, or something on my mind or thought there was a problem, then I would mention my concerns to see if there was something to them. You know, just lightly throw it out there and see what comes back.

No resentment for lack of sex?

Originally Posted by smilie
This is what I don't get, how can somebody put you on trial, not tell you you're on trial and give you no reason why you are on trial and unbenownst to you, you're not on any trial at all! This is Death by Silence. It may be real, but why the hell don't people just communicate - you know, talk with each other once in a while, rather than giving the other person no clue, no hope and a bloomin' huge surprise ending ... and not a happy one either! smile

Smilies this is going to sound really bad but it very well could be your sickness. What could she have said to you? Get better or else. If I am reading your updates correctly she started her exit strategy as early as last June.

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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Originally Posted by smilie

Do you think this applies to everybody or just those who have problems communicating? For me I held no resentment for my wife. If I had an issue, or something on my mind or thought there was a problem, then I would mention my concerns to see if there was something to them. You know, just lightly throw it out there and see what comes back.

This is what I don't get, how can somebody put you on trial, not tell you you're on trial and give you no reason why you are on trial and unbenownst to you, you're not on any trial at all! This is Death by Silence. It may be real, but why the hell don't people just communicate - you know, talk with each other once in a while, rather than giving the other person no clue, no hope and a bloomin' huge surprise ending ... and not a happy one either! smile


You are still trying to rationalise things.

This is what I do, I'm a logic guy. I was a software develop for many years, then an System Administrator & IT Manager for a legal firm. I find solutions....well, used to. So I'm always trying to find the logic and I know from what I've read here that there is no logic and it's emotions, so all I am trying to do is understand .... still.

I've spent my life watching women leave normal guys to be with the dude with the flash car, flash suit and a buldging wallet. "She's with him for his money", people used to say, as quite often the blokes were to55ers, ugly or just plain horrible. Is there no truth in this then?

Originally Posted by MrBrside

What LH has posted is gold. I remember the first time i read it ( i've reposted it a few times myself ) - i was like "on the money"

People do handle resentment differently - But it was probably a series of things that all clicked into place, and although resement was there, thats the same for most couples - people always carry some resentment around, even over small things..

You are looking for answers, to which you will most likely never know the truth.

You are dealing with emotion. I know you feel like the issues stem from illness / work etc - They may have been a factor, BUT the bigger factor is your WWs history - She has a habit of jumping.

Even if you earned a hundred grand a year and had the nice cars, some other guy could walk along and peak her interest. On a given day, at a given time, if her interest is peaked enough, shes on that roller coaster.

So why bother with dating then, if they all have the capacity to do this? Why wouldn't the next partner do exactly the same thing?

Originally Posted by MrBrside
To put into context, my WW was discussing another baby via text on the Tuesday night. On the saturday, she went out and met a guy in town - and added him on Facebook the day after. A few days later, its 100s of messages between them and shes never been happy.. Like WTF ??

That's tough man, sorry. So if things don't makes sense at all then, how do they make sense to a woman? Arrgh! I know it's emotions but I just don't get it how they can disregard their commitments without a thought or a care in the world.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
Watch Sex Life on Netflix or download it. There is a topic on here about it, and it says a lot.

So I was going to watch this as I have been looking at some of the discussion on the group. I didn't want to watch it in case it makes me feel terrible, as if I think about my wife doing stuff like that I go into an instant panic - don't know why. I am a bit sensitive at the moment. Perhaps I'll give it a go.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
I said on one of my initial posts, you are looking for answers / reasoning - You are trying to apply logic to your wifes wayward mindset - They are not compatible.

So then I ask politely once again and please give a direct answer - How do I make sense of this, as you guys seem to have it off pat, right? smile


M(55), W(45)
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Originally Posted by LH19
No resentment for lack of sex?

Ouch! Yep, found some! Not strong enough though, but I suppose it builds up. I certainly wouldn't end a relationship because of it without first raising it as a serious issue. Thinking as I type, it's just what I do because that's what is right - to me, doesn't mean that's what everybody else is going to do and of course, she has always had her strategy for acting on that feeling - the trigger if you will that starts that process off.

Originally Posted by LH19
Smilies this is going to sound really bad but it very well could be your sickness. What could she have said to you? Get better or else. If I am reading your updates correctly she started her exit strategy as early as last June.

Course it doesn't sound bad, it's true and I've thought that as well. Remember she sent a text telling me that it wasn't that and it wasn't because I didn't work. The brain can't process negatives directly so she was telling me exactly why, the only bit of truth she did say probably, was that she "didn't know why".

Seems so lame to cause so much damage to somebody else in a calculated and cold-hearted fashion, organizing the drawing out of money to make them destitute, ruin their retirement and all without my knowledge and not know why? What a crock! And I just have to accept and live with that? It's a tough one!


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Quote

This is what I do, I'm a logic guy. I was a software develop for many years, then an System Administrator & IT Manager for a legal firm. I find solutions....well, used to. So I'm always trying to find the logic and I know from what I've read here that there is no logic and it's emotions, so all I am trying to do is understand .... still.


You will find that a lot of men are logical. Especially on this forum, the majority ( not all ) have a very rational minset. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of men who arent - I joined a few facebook groups for men who had been cheated on, and the amount of men that have melt downs / turn to drink / get angry is astonising. Generally, the posters on here seem to look for answers and end up here.

I get where you are coming from. I'm an IT Director and also spend my days fixing things - When i'm not at my desk or with my kids, i'm under a car - fixing things. Thats what we do - We apply logic to these situations, that are fuelled by WW emotion.. Hence logic wont work - EVER.

In her current mindset, your WW believes everything she is saying - YOU are at fault and YOU were making her unhappy. Nothing you say or do at this point will change it.

Quote

So why bother with dating then, if they all have the capacity to do this? Why wouldn't the next partner do exactly the same thing?


Only you can answer that question - For me, i date because i enjoy sex lol. That said, i very much doubt i'll ever end up in a long term relationship again. I am very very happy with my current life. One thing i do know, is that i will no longer compromise / ignore red flags - this is the downside, as i frequently walk away from dates thinking she was nice, but X, Y, Z red flag wise.

Quote


So then I ask politely once again and please give a direct answer - How do I make sense of this, as you guys seem to have it off pat, right?



I cant tell you what to do.. For me it was 3 things.

Control, respect, dignity

IMO the first thing you need to do is realise you have no control over the WW or her actions.
You can only control you. Until you accept this, and keep going over the same old ground, you wont move forward and you will keep over thinking everything.

Then, like i said initially - get a list together and work on you - Where you want to be - what you want to achieve as a single man - Then hit that list .. tick, tick , tick !


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by smilie
Why wouldn't the next partner do exactly the same thing?

It's certainly possible but you will be better prepared. I was dating a girl and things were going great for about 3 months. Then out of no where I got a text saying she needed to step back from us and figured some stuff out. She had been contacted by an ex boyfriend regarding reconciliation. She had been with him and known him longer. More of an EMOTIONAL connection. Logic and reason would say it didn't work out the first time why would it now. So I wished her well and moved on. It stung but once you survive what you are going through now you become so much stronger and wiser. Eventually as we age people are more looking for stability. Most of the WS here are in their 40s and think this is their last shot at "happiness". So much of this is hormones, brain chemicals, mental illness and lack of understanding how long term relationships work.

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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Only you can answer that question - For me, i date because i enjoy sex lol.

So awesome! Spit my coffee!

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Originally Posted by smilie
So why bother with dating then, if they all have the capacity to do this? Why wouldn't the next partner do exactly the same thing?

smilie, why bother dating, if all men and women have the capacity to leave?

I find dating rewarding because I enjoy learning new things, companionship, romance, sex, and people I can count on (whether or not the relationship works out romantically). In the last month, I met Ms Paddleboarder, who's up for lending me her board so we can go standup paddleboarding any day we're both free. I met Ms TallChemist, who hikes with me and we chat most nights. If someone has a positive impact on my life, I'm glad I met them, whether they're there 3 months or 10 years, a friend or lover. Love comes with the potential for heartbreak. Heartbreak is a sign that I can still love. I'd rather feel it than be jaded.

If you had 10 good years, hold onto that and resist the urge to rewrite them as miserable. If you had 10 miserable years, learn from that--why didn't you fix it or go? Don't repeat that mistake in the future. I hear that war inside of you. You blame being sick on living a lie (of your choosing) for 10yrs.

I tend to choose partners who fought hard to keep their relationships, whether they ultimately stayed or left, because I want an "enduring love" (nod to wayfarer). Over the years, I've learned how to fight harder than I thought I could, and when to let go. I've never been cheated on afaik. Many won't cheat on you.

If you're here in 1-2 years, you'll probably find me in a new LTR, hopefully my last. (:

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Why doesn't the WAS tell you that you're on trial or when you lose the trial?

When I was a WAS (married, 10yrs together) and "BD" was serving her D papers--
1) I didn't feel I should have to threaten my XW with divorce to get her to make the necessary changes.
2) My attorney advised against telling my XW until I'd ensured my interests were maximally protected in a divorce. Those preparations took time. Giving my spouse a heads-up would be counterproductive

When I was a LBS (3yr LTR) and "BD" was finding half my family and furniture gone--
1) She felt home life after announcing could be awkward for her daughter.
2) She wanted to ensure she landed on her feet--e.g., had found an affordable place to stay, could get her daughter moved to a local school, etc.--before announcing the end.

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Originally Posted by MrBrside
I get where you are coming from. I'm an IT Director and also spend my days fixing things

Any jobs going? Can I work remotely? Lol! smile

Originally Posted by MrBrside
When i'm not at my desk or with my kids, i'm under a car - fixing things. Thats what we do - We apply logic to these situations, that are fuelled by WW emotion.. Hence logic wont work - EVER.

My brain see's this. It hears me say this, so why doesn't it listen? It's the life-long conditioning of trying to find solutions that's the downfall here I think. But then logic says, that if you know that you can't apply logic to solve the problem - and in actual fact the only person who perceives it as a problem is the LBS - then why keep trying? It's maddening and I don't even think I'm doing it most of the time.

This is where the focus on you and GAL comes in, isn't it? I think something's just clicked.... Only I, the LBS, has a problem.

For a HUGE issue that was created by her walking away, it's such a simple thing. There's all the stuff around it such as why did she do this and how long for and who with and where, is he better a better person than me, etc., but the actual thing was that she chose to leave, she wanted out and she went. She chose how to go about it and she will have to answer to her actions and the damage she has caused - especially financial - towards me. She has also given herself a bad reputation with the estate agent lady who will, without doubt, have conversations about this 'fantastical story', which will fly around this very small town in a nano-second. Wouldn't be very good for the business she works for as how would people trust her with their money once they know? Let alone the risk to her potentially losing her practicing certificate and therefore her career, if it is proven. These things are HER problem.

They are the consequences of her actions that she probably didn't even think about, but us logic guys would. I still say somebody is pushing her buttons though, influencing her to do this. I may be surprise one day to find out it was all her, but I have never seen her do stuff like this. The opportunity presented itself (Claim money & Pension money) and she chose.

That must be where detaching comes into play. I am just waiting for the day to arrive when I just can't be bothered to think about it anymore. If it wasn't for the fact that I have to move I would be able to concentrate more on GAL from the outset, but all my days at the moment are spent gathering paperwork, approving lawyers letters and court forms, and looking for a place to be. Finally got to bed at 1:30am last night.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
In her current mindset, your WW believes everything she is saying - YOU are at fault and YOU were making her unhappy. Nothing you say or do at this point will change it.

And that then gives her the excuse she needs to take all my dental damages money, our savings and try to grab my pension funds, just because she feels everything is my fault and she has to punish me and ruin my life completely, whatever the cost? After all, she has to recoup some of the money she's been bringing home, doesn't she? Wow, if that is the way she is thinking, no wonder she didn't think about the consequences - just acted.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
One thing i do know, is that i will no longer compromise / ignore red flags - this is the downside, as i frequently walk away from dates thinking she was nice, but X, Y, Z red flag wise.

Something else I need to learn about at some stage I suppose.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
IMO the first thing you need to do is realise you have no control over the WW or her actions.
You can only control you. Until you accept this, and keep going over the same old ground, you wont move forward and you will keep over thinking everything.

But I have known this for years, decades even, that you can't control the other person and I am not trying to do that, never have. It's just the understanding I was trying to get, but I can't get that either. Again, this is where GAL comes in otherwise I'll be unfocused on things and still trying to work it out - driving myself nuts!

Originally Posted by MrBrside
Then, like i said initially - get a list together and work on you - Where you want to be - what you want to achieve as a single man - Then hit that list .. tick, tick , tick !

Doing that. Done so much house hunting with very little return. I'm working out just one body part a day at the moment as I find it hard to focus for long, but I'm not happy, I wasn't fat, but I've now got sagging skin especially around my middle, like I was an obese person who lost weight. It's horrible. I was only a 34 waist! about 28 now. I did a bit of research and apparently collagen can help, so I got some of that. It's because I lost one and a half stone in just under 3 weeks because of this AND I've been eating. If it weren't for my skin I'd be well chuffed! Hope it catches up. Tips anybody? Lol!


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Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
So why bother with dating then, if they all have the capacity to do this? Why wouldn't the next partner do exactly the same thing?

smilie, why bother dating, if all men and women have the capacity to leave?

I find dating rewarding because I enjoy learning new things, companionship, romance, sex, and people I can count on (whether or not the relationship works out romantically).

I've never really been one to go dating, always been fairly reserved. I tend to prefer meeting people in general surroundings, but these days it's all about dating apps. I don't have an expensive phone, mine is years old and I de-googled it so it's pretty basic. It's my wife's old phone that I had when I brought her a new one for her birthday one year ago next month.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
In the last month, I met Ms Paddleboarder, who's up for lending me her board so we can go standup paddleboarding any day we're both free. I met Ms TallChemist, who hikes with me and we chat most nights. If someone has a positive impact on my life, I'm glad I met them, whether they're there 3 months or 10 years, a friend or lover. Love comes with the potential for heartbreak. Heartbreak is a sign that I can still love. I'd rather feel it than be jaded.

That sounds nice. I haven't dated for a lifetime it seems, 21 years? Blimey, that's long. The problem I have is that if women are looking for men who work, then I've lost before I've even begun.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
If you had 10 good years, hold onto that and resist the urge to rewrite them as miserable. If you had 10 miserable years, learn from that--why didn't you fix it or go? Don't repeat that mistake in the future. I hear that war inside of you. You blame being sick on living a lie (of your choosing) for 10yrs.

Well I had 19 good years, with the relationship, minus the issues 10 years back for a year or so to get back on track, I just don't know how many year of that were fake - probably the last 10. It's been overcast by this wretched illness for the past 7 years.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I tend to choose partners who fought hard to keep their relationships, whether they ultimately stayed or left, because I want an "enduring love" (nod to wayfarer). Over the years, I've learned how to fight harder than I thought I could, and when to let go. I've never been cheated on afaik. Many won't cheat on you.

Being cheated on is horrible, it is like mental torture, especially if you suspect but don't really know. I was cheated on by my first serious girlfried in my 20's. We lived together and she used to go out with friends ... and come home really late. There was me waiting, wondering, worrying. Then one day she didn't come home from work and that was that! Just a repeat of this really.

My second serious girlfriend cleared my house out and I came home to a bed and my tropical fishtank and the 3rd one turned into a violent drunk when she lost her job, then transformed into an absolute psycho. Arguments, plates crashing around, passing out and vomiting everywhere - nice - and well, you know all about the 4th one, the one I waited 8 years to make sure we were good together before we got married, then she cheats inside of a year and then again now. That's my love luck.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
If you're here in 1-2 years, you'll probably find me in a new LTR, hopefully my last. (:

I think I'll stick around for a while. Reckon you'll have better luck than me and I wish you well in your search. I remember finding it hard to get a date as I hadn't got a lot of confidence. smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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