How I see it now is, she wanted out, her meeting someone new was an inevitability. Why does it matter the timeframe? What timeframe would have been acceptable? 3 months, 6 months? It's just a number, therefore it doesn't matter. The time it takes them to move on is neither good or bad, it is only your perception that makes it so.
When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.
As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.
If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.
Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"
Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.
Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.
I know why she left. I was useless and had no income as I have a neurological condition and she decided that she wanted to be with the guy who has loads of money and flashy cars that she turned up in on the weekend to collect her clothes. In my book, she has prostituted herself
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You have no idea why she chose him. You seem to be mindreading and villainizing her.
Originally Posted by smilie
I didn't think that I was, it's just what I see. I suppose I'm wrong again then smile
You observed she's driving a new car, implied his car/money was why she chose him, then went as far as to say "she has prostituted herself." That leap requires some mindreading.
The women I dated who had underemployed or unemployed ex's did tend to look for someone self-sufficient. There's a difference between dating for someone who doesn't decrease her wealth, and dating for someone who increases her wealth. When you date real people, they often exceed your minimums in some areas. That may be the case with his flashy car, or maybe that is why she dated him! Neither of us knows.
She does own at least one villainous action--cheating on you by having an exit affair.
I’m a romantic and still believe in love and unconditional love for my partner.
Originally Posted by LH
CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
Originally Posted by Steve
Love, except for parent-child (and for those of us who believe, God to human-beings) is never unconditional.
Originally Posted by Wayfarer
As to unconditional love, there's no such thing. All love is conditional. If your child is a serial killer you're still going to love them but you're not going to love them the way you loved them as a baby. Love evolves and changes.
LH, deep question. I believe I can love someone AND decide it's best if our lives don't intersect. You've no doubt read or watched some adaptation of the story, "The Fox And The Hound?"
Steve, I grew up with parents who didn't love me. Look at how many full-time single parents there are, cases of abandonment or neglect. If the enduring love parents give their children is a free choice, not automatic like breathing, that makes it more special, something we can bestow upon others?
Wayfarer, yes, the way(s) we love someone changes. If Little Johnn became a serial killer, some love may endure, but I may act against his interests (turn him in) and stop proudly sharing his pics. In your book, I could honestly tell a partner or child, "I'll always love you," but not "I love you unconditionally."
Food for thought. My big takeaway is I still have baggage to prioritize working through re: my XW, as I can fairly say I love all my ex's except her. She's just an acquaintance I co-parent well with.
[quote=CWarrior]I’m a romantic and still believe in love and unconditional love for my partner.
Ok so you say this then:
Originally Posted by CWarrior
LH, deep question. I believe I can love someone AND decide it's best if our lives don't intersect. You've no doubt read or watched some adaptation of the story, "The Fox And The Hound?"
Then you say this:
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Food for thought. My big takeaway is I still have baggage to prioritize working through re: my XW, as I can fairly say I love all my ex's except her. She's just an acquaintance I co-parent well with.
So after summing it all up I would say you have no clue what the meaning of unconditional love means lol.
LH19, lol, I strove for unconditional love towards my XGF. I never claimed to unconditionally love my XW. I wasn't in a place in my life when I married her to offer anything like that.
As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.
If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.
Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"
Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.
Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.
Do you think this applies to everybody or just those who have problems communicating? For me I held no resentment for my wife. If I had an issue, or something on my mind or thought there was a problem, then I would mention my concerns to see if there was something to them. You know, just lightly throw it out there and see what comes back.
This is what I don't get, how can somebody put you on trial, not tell you you're on trial and give you no reason why you are on trial and unbenownst to you, you're not on any trial at all! This is Death by Silence. It may be real, but why the hell don't people just communicate - you know, talk with each other once in a while, rather than giving the other person no clue, no hope and a bloomin' huge surprise ending ... and not a happy one either!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I know why she left. I was useless and had no income as I have a neurological condition and she decided that she wanted to be with the guy who has loads of money and flashy cars that she turned up in on the weekend to collect her clothes. In my book, she has prostituted herself
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You have no idea why she chose him. You seem to be mindreading and villainizing her.
Originally Posted by smilie
I didn't think that I was, it's just what I see. I suppose I'm wrong again then smile
You observed she's driving a new car, implied his car/money was why she chose him, then went as far as to say "she has prostituted herself." That leap requires some mindreading.
Maybe, but the dots aren't that hard to connect, bearing in mind that she deals with high-worth clients. Maybe I am wrong and maybe I'm wrong for assuming that, but I can see it as plain as day and by past experience, I have usually 'assumed' correctly.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
The women I dated who had underemployed or unemployed ex's did tend to look for someone self-sufficient. There's a difference between dating for someone who doesn't decrease her wealth, and dating for someone who increases her wealth.
When you date real people, they often exceed your minimums in some areas. That may be the case with his flashy car, or maybe that is why she dated him! Neither of us knows.
I get that, but if you are in a relationship and the wealth has been minimal and an opportunity comes along to have a go at changing that but you'll have to put some effort in, why would you not want to do that? We were speaking of creating more income. She said that's what she wanted but she didn't act on anything or do anything about it with me. She repeatedly gave me the impression that she wanted to do it together, then didn't. So I didn't as I was waiting for her instead of just doing it.
Compare that with an opportunity that comes along where you don't have to apply any effort. What's more it's more enjoyable because somebody is pressing your buttons and making you 'feel' something that you haven't felt in a while because you're in a long-term relationship that you can't be bothered to ever work at - remember she had an affair inside a year of being married 10 years back. You don't have to struggle anymore, you don't have to have an older car anymore and you can live in a much nicer house with much nicer things - and all at a moments notice - out of one door and in to the next, and all you have to do is sleep with somebody for a while. How is that not prostituting yourself for a better life? Or am I missing the point entirely?
This is what really gets to me, as you can probably tell. This is the knife in the heart. This is what makes me want to just curl up and die. It's just seems so, so shallow. Seriously. Just knowing she has done this hurts bad, even now.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
She does own at least one villainous action--cheating on you by having an exit affair.
And more besides, as has clearly been shown with some basic uncovering of records. The entire thing stinks to high heaven and has been carefully calculated and planned. However, loopholes were left and the tidy-up wasn't that precise maybe. Only time will tell.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Can't believe the unconditional love thing is still going on! Lol
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Do you think this applies to everybody or just those who have problems communicating? For me I held no resentment for my wife. If I had an issue, or something on my mind or thought there was a problem, then I would mention my concerns to see if there was something to them. You know, just lightly throw it out there and see what comes back.
This is what I don't get, how can somebody put you on trial, not tell you you're on trial and give you no reason why you are on trial and unbenownst to you, you're not on any trial at all! This is Death by Silence. It may be real, but why the hell don't people just communicate - you know, talk with each other once in a while, rather than giving the other person no clue, no hope and a bloomin' huge surprise ending ... and not a happy one either!
Smilie,
You are still trying to rationalise things.
What LH has posted is gold. I remember the first time i read it ( i've reposted it a few times myself ) - i was like "on the money"
People do handle resentment differently - But it was probably a series of things that all clicked into place, and although resement was there, thats the same for most couples - people always carry some resentment around, even over small things..
You are looking for answers, to which you will most likely never know the truth.
You are dealing with emotion. I know you feel like the issues stem from illness / work etc - They may have been a factor, BUT the bigger factor is your WWs history - She has a habit of jumping.
Even if you earned a hundred grand a year and had the nice cars, some other guy could walk along and peak her interest. On a given day, at a given time, if her interest is peaked enough, shes on that roller coaster.
To put into context, my WW was discussing another baby via text on the Tuesday night. On the saturday, she went out and met a guy in town - and added him on Facebook the day after. A few days later, its 100s of messages between them and shes never been happy.. Like WTF ??
Watch Sex Life on Netflix or download it. There is a topic on here about it, and it says a lot.
I said on one of my initial posts, you are looking for answers / reasoning - You are trying to apply logic to your wifes wayward mindset - They are not compatible.
Last edited by MrBrside; 07/15/2102:28 PM.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
