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Originally Posted by Artemis1
Advice in something. So I'm trying to back off and focus on me etc. My H keeps texting me today and I'm being friendly. He just sent me a picture after he got done chasing a guy... Security work... Just oh his face and sweating after the chase captioned " my post chase face" in these moments should I flirt with him? Some forums say to flirt but in my situation not sure if I should or what


Time and space is not flirting. That's what you should be giving him even when he initiates contact. You need to treat him like the cashier at the store. Friendly, but not overly so. Do not over share.

Did his picture text contain a question? If not, hopefully you didn't respond.


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Originally Posted by Artemis1
But he did say if I came up with a Separation plan he was happy with, he would hold off on the divorce and try it. I am completely aware that divorce is still very much a possibility and of course I am hurting with all of this. But I am trying to keep faith and stay strong.
As others have said. His job. Not yours.

Read this:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2050041#Post2050041

And this:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2051316#Post2051316


This post links to all the threads I have with quotes from wise DBer. Reading through them will take some time:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2910892


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Please stick to one thread in each forum. When you post more than one thread in a forum, it is difficult for posters to follow and provide advice to you. When the moderators see more than one thread created by a poster in a forum, they will merge the two threads into one until you have reached at least 100 postings/replies.

One last thing! Slow down and breathe!!! One second, one minute, one hour and then one day at a time. Try to keep the focus on you and what you need to do in order to survive and get through this period of time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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It didn't contain a question, and I had responded before i read this. I'm still trying to read through and figure out exactly how to react. I'm backing off and not giving him as much information about my life, being more myseterious, going out with friends etc. The reason I wasn't sure about the flirting was in DR in the Infedelity section where it talks about when they wont give up the Affair and doing the LRT, It says to find out what your S is getting from the OW such as boosting their ego, really listening to what they have to say, etc. and that you want to give them whatever it is they are getting from the OW. So that's why Im Not sure as to if I should flirt. I know for my H it's the excitment and I believe the getting his ego boosted. I believe he likes talking to people that don't know his faults, when he looks at me he feels guilt over having cheated on me and with them he doesn't feel that way.
So I feel there is some conflicting information here, people say don't flirt etc, but in the book when it discusses the OW it says to find out what your H is getting from the OW and then give it to them, such as being positive in the presence etc. Thats where my confusion lies...

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Thanks for those articles, I've been reading through them, slowly but surely, I'm very busy so its taking me time to read through everything.

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Originally Posted by Artemis1
It didn't contain a question, and I had responded before i read this. I'm still trying to read through and figure out exactly how to react. I'm backing off and not giving him as much information about my life, being more myseterious, going out with friends etc. The reason I wasn't sure about the flirting was in DR in the Infedelity section where it talks about when they wont give up the Affair and doing the LRT, It says to find out what your S is getting from the OW such as boosting their ego, really listening to what they have to say, etc. and that you want to give them whatever it is they are getting from the OW. So that's why Im Not sure as to if I should flirt. I know for my H it's the excitment and I believe the getting his ego boosted. I believe he likes talking to people that don't know his faults, when he looks at me he feels guilt over having cheated on me and with them he doesn't feel that way.
So I feel there is some conflicting information here, people say don't flirt etc, but in the book when it discusses the OW it says to find out what your H is getting from the OW and then give it to them, such as being positive in the presence etc. Thats where my confusion lies...



MWD does make that suggestion. But she also says you need to back off and give space. The second suggestion doesn't go away for the last one. DBing principles are hierarchical. We also see a lot of LBSs that try to use a suggestion like "find out what your WAS' AP is providing and try to give that to them" as an excuse to do something they want.

For instance, sex is something that an AP gives to the WAS. However, sex is NOT something you should be engaging in with a cheating WAS!! Do not use a simple suggestion as an excuse to break core DBing principles.

I know this is all confusing, but the other thing flirting does is keep the focus on him, when you should be removing the focus from him and focusing on yourself! Giving him time and space, GAL. 180s (self-improvements), and detachment are paramount to anything else at this point. You flirting with him has a minimal chance of ever getting him back. Doing that which is counter-intuitive has a much better chance of getting him back. Read the pursuit-distance dynamic as to why backing off has a higher success rate than chasing does.


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Read the Last Resort Technique.

In a nutshell, your H has to feel like he is going to lose you and that he's on the clock.

I'm paraphrasing here because it's been awhile since I've read the book "You want your spouse to think you have had an awakening and that you now realize you will be fine with or without them". In essence, let them go.

The 3 times I was able to get my ex to come back was with pitch black no contact. I never fought her on wanting to separate, in fact, I would help her load her car up with her stuff because I wanted her last memory of me to be an easy- going, helpful, excited about the future (fake it til you make it right?) guy. As soon as she would leave, I would fall apart. But I never let her see me sweat.

She would say "this isn't working and I'm going to move out". My response would be "this isn't what I want but I won't fight you". As soon as she would move out, I erased her phone number and went no contact indefinitely. Eventually she would reach out after a few months. One time she even moved to another state and then came back.

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Okay I am definitely focusing on GALing and focusing more on me and my son, some of the information was just confusing. Trying to find the right balance of being positive when hes around but not giving him too much of my attention. Its been a big learning process for me. Yes of course flirting and what not would be something I want as I am only human, but I am not trying to find an excuse to do it, I swear, I'm simply trying to find the balance between doing a 180 and LRT and at the same time giving him what the OWs give him to a degree. It really is a delicate thing to master lol

And I am trying to stop initiating contact with him as much as possible, its difficult as we do live in the same house still and have our son as well.

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You are going to get different opinions on how to behave. Some will say go left, while others will say go right. If you have always went left, then going right is a good 180. On the other hand, if you always go right, then going left is a good 180. At some point you can go from full left when needed or full right when needed or even straight as needed.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Lol sounds about as confusing as it has seemed to be so far. Ive definitely noticed when I dont contact him he contacts me more often. Other times me listening to him makes him be more open towards me and more loving... So it's a bit of both as I am seeing for sure.

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