People here are not going to tell you what you want to hear, they are going to tell what's best for you. You might take it as being negative, but I want you to step back and ask yourself, is it negative or hard to hear. Mostly everyone providing comments on your thread has had their world devastated by a Spouse.
You have only one concern and that's getting your husband to stay with you. No matter the cost. That's not a healthy place to be for you are your child.
You have to respect yourself before your husband, who's asking to be your friend will respect you, y'all relationship or a Marriage.
There's a poster here, who didn't like what we was telling him. He barely took our advice and his WW didn't respect him. He didn't have respect for himself, he was here for a while and his situation only got worst over time.
There were two other posters, I can't think of their names at the moment. One of them, his wife was having an A with his brother-in-law, and he thought we were being mean, and his situation got worst over time.
And one other one, he was a police officer and his W was a teacher and she wanted to move to another state with his kids to be with her AP, he had a hard time taking the advice here as well.
The common theme in their threads were, not having respect for themselves and taking the advice on the board as an attack and not as help.
Take care of yourself
Onward and Forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
It's not so much that I'd be okay with him cheating, we are separated, just because I don't wan to be doesnt make it any less true. I am wanting to save my marriage and My husband and I fell in Love being as we got eachother and because we have always been friends, I am trying to remind him of the ease and joy in which we have together.
Here is a Post from years ago on this site, I've copied and pasted it...
Originally Posted by Cadet
The following is the very original Lighthouse post that come from another website. I was looking around and finally found it and dug it up. It was originally posted by a user named ark^^ Thanks for this!
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life... yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get... you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now... but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions..... set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives.... without lovebusting... offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them... you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul... and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
Also in DR Michele talks about how being postive around your S and being the person that they want you to be and fell in love with is what could make them realize the Grass isn't Greener on the otherside. I was trying to find the story in the book where Michele talks about the lady that was her Husbands best friend when they were separated and talking divorce while he was having his affair with the OW and how they came back together because of her reminding him of the friendship and love they have with eachother. So to answer your question, Yes I do want to be his best friend right now. I am going to be pleasant to him and remind him of why we got married in the first place.
Well for the record I do respect myself fully, and my spouse respects me to. He believes he wants a divorce due to many reasons. And no i never said anyone attacked me, i simply stated that I am asking for advice to MY questions. And instead of answering some, I am getting alot of just leave him. I'm honestly quite shocked by it as after reading the book with such the clear understanding that you have to follow your gut and do what you believe is best to save your marriage, people are still so unwilling to give me the advice for which I am asking. Im simply stating that no one knows any other persons marriage but them, I am not being blinded by love or any of these things, my husband wants a divorce, he is seeing other people during this time, but I still believe my marriage is worth saving and I am going to fight for my marriage and I am wanting some advice on how to handle some boundaries. I can't and will not apologize for asking for advice for the questions I am asking or for wanting to find some support. I appreciate the advice nonetheless as I'm sure everyone on here only wants to help
I'm sorry if my post upset you on your other thread, Artemis.
It's important that you are honest with yourself or your situation will never change.
You want the best shot at getting your H back (and faithful)? Bare with me, I'm going to be blunt.
You stop putting up with his bullsh!t and start respecting yourself. People can't love people they don't respect, and your H does not respect you. There are zero consequences to his behavior. Why would he stop talking to and having sex with other women? There's no reason to.
Personally, if I wanted someone who is like your H to back in my life and committed (and faithful) to me, this is what I would do.
1. Kick him out of the house. I would not tolerate serial cheating, flirting, "just talking to other people" again. ZERO tolerance. This will be stage one in gaining his respect.
2. I would go no contact with him. No phone calls, texts, emails, nothing. This shows him you respect and value yourself and that you will not tolerate sh!tty behavior from anyone. This also helps solidify his respect for you and gets him wondering about you.
3. Start building myself up. Therapy, gym, healthy diet, friends and family, God. New job opportunities, better relationship with your child. This will prove to yourself that you are worthy of respect and love. It might also start to make him think of you in a more attractive way.
4. If my ex started poking around at this point, I would make them work for me. They would need to be in therapy, consistently to work on their issues. They would need to prove to me they were sincere over time, with no blips or relapses with other people.
Being his "friend" will not work, Artemis. Being a friend enables his behavior and provides him with a very solid Plan B. It will also make him drag things out so he has time to sleep with as many women as possible. Be his friend and watch this drag out for months if not years.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I felt it was important to not blow smoke up your a$$.
I still believe my marriage is worth saving.. I am asking for advice to MY questions.. Well for the record I do respect myself fully, and my spouse respects me to. he has told me I'm his best friend constantly, almost every day throughout this whole process. So I am trying to think of him only as my best friend.
Originally Posted by Oxford Languages
Respect - due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.
Originally Posted by American Heritage
A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
Hi Artemis,
You asked, "Should we have sex?" We answered that but also challenged "We're best friends" and "He respects me" because his behavior doesn't indicate those. Many of us have reconciled.. or moved on in a healthy way. It's helpful to face what you're dealing with? Especially, if you want to reconcile. (:
I apologize for confusing things Wayfarer, I am honestly not use to forums, and threads so i wasn't sure if everyone looked everywhere and I was trying to make sure many people saw my threads as to get the most advice possible. I will remember the advice in the future so thank you. And we are separated, I have never meant to give the impression that my H wont be with someone else, Just because he is not in an affair with one person thats lasted months like many of the stories within the books etc doesnt mean its not like the situation. I am very much aware of what can happen. But just as the people who decided they wanted to save their marriage despite their partner having an affair, I am doing the same here. As for being a friend to him and being positive with him I am simply taking the advice that was given to me within these books that are the backbone to this site.
Also he is not out of the house, we live in the same house still, simply are sleeping in different rooms. And thats why im asking for advice on boundaries, i'm not sure if I should make clear that he is not to ever bring anyone home even if I'm not home (I dont believe he would ever do that in a million years to be honest) but i'm just not sure if its something i should bring up anyways. We both take turns with dropping our son off at babysitters etc. Not sure if one of us isn't going to come home at night if I should ask that we let the other know or if this is pushing the limits and pressuring him too much. Just trying to get advice on what others have done in this situation.
Also my H has never Said anything about working on the MR. He says he wants a divorce, period. Which many of the stories in the books that has been what was said which is why I am keeping in mind the rule to "not believe any of what you hear and only 50% of what you see" My husband does things in which makes it seem as if he doesnt truly want a D. The small victories as they are called.
Also If me and my H get a divorce, I will be his friend. Our friendship means too much to both of us to give it up for any reason, that is one thing we have always been clear on. I will not give up our friendship and more then i would give up on a friend who I have gotten into a fight with etc.
Okay so I'm trying to keep up here. First off, I can't kick him out, it's his dads house, his dad is a truck driver and his home 2 days a month so we live there. I don't have anywhere else to go and my H won't kick me out like that, he also has already offered to give me his car and he keep making the payments on it as well. He has another car he pays on.
Also I am working on myself, so thank you for advice, I have been contacting him less, not being as easy to get ahold of, spending more time with friends, and trying to remember hobbies I enjoy and doing them. Contact can't fully be given up as for our son. We both take him and pick him up babysitter wise, etc. Also my husband says he is 100% of divorce as most in this situation have said, so although I am pulling away from him to focus on me to cause him to miss me, im not sure if disappearing completely helps as i feel like the divorce will just happen quicker and for sure.
Although I respect your oppinion about being friends thing not working, or isn't right. I respectfully disagree, Even Michele talks of a woman who did just that, was a safe place and a friend to her husband who she was going through the D process with and having an affair that they ever talked about the OW as friends would and they ended up back together as she has reminded him of the friendship they had etc. I also have had a family member who went through just about the same thing as the story i keep mentioning and her husband and her have been together happily ever since for 45 years, it was within the first 5 years of marriage it happened to her.
Everybody's situation is different, so not everything works for everyone, what i Know is while putting the techniques into place and monitoring results as suggest in DR. Ive learned that when I am his friend and not talking of the relationship etc. And i'm not getting ahold of him and being friendly, he reaches out to me and i respond as his friend, he contacts me more, he does kind gestures for me more, he acts more loving towards me, this is what has been working for my situation so far. He has respected me and just about everyway possible in every situation since this stuff came out. Except for when he was saying he wanted a divorce and still having sex with me, granted I will say he tried to stop it a few times, but frankly I am the more sexual partner in the relationship and I was quite aggressive, i'm saying this as you can have all the facts.
I'm not sure if I should make clear that he is not to ever bring anyone home even if I'm not home (I dont believe he would ever do that in a million years to be honest) but i'm just not sure if its something i should bring up anyways.
Hi Artemis,
That doesn't sound like a boundary. That sounds like an attempt to control him. There's a thread here on how to set boundaries. "If X happens, I'll do Y." Since they control you, they rarely need communicating.
