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So here it is then. The big D. I am actually sitting here balling, you know, like a man with a backbone? yeah right, more like a bloomin' whimp!

I have just received a draft divorce petition from my lawyer for approval. This is breaking my heart in so many ways. I never thought that this day would ever come and that I wouldn't even be able to get the chance to heal a relationship issue, let alone know there was one to heal.

I don't know what to do. It has to be approved to file to court tomorrow as it needs to be filed at the same time as the emergency interim Spousal Maintenance (Alimony) claim. I am also submitting a claim for her to pay costs. She has already indicated that she wouldn't pay them, is trying to put herself in a position financially where she doesn't (can't afford to) pay maintenance.

So she's living up life in her flashy cars with all this money to spare because she's just made her outgoings up, while at the same time driving me as far in the ground as she possibly can. WTF did I ever do to her? If this is the price for loving somebody unconditionally, then I really don't know what to say. Why does she just want to absolutely ruin anything positive that I saw in her? Why is she trying to make me hate her, change my feelings and scrub over all of those years we've had together? Especially when there hasn't been any big issues - apart from this bloody health condition.

It feels like it's all my fault. I couldn't support her the way she expected and she just looked at someone else who had a more affluent lifestyle and was self-sufficient (like I used to be when I met her) and she said to herself "I want that", and so she did. Magically she is transported to a nice house and driving new big cars - a true rags to riches fairy-tale.

I now get it when people say that it's like a switch has been flipped. Not only has the "Abandon Relationship" relationship switch been flipped, but also the secondary switch marked "Destroy".

I wish I never had this vertigo thing, it's horrible and I've always said that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - and I wouldn't as it's that bad. I wish it hadn't/didn't ruin my life the way it had. I do still believe though, that it was the stress of her leaving the first time that brought this on a few years later, but I wonder if there is some permanent damage that has been done to my brain.

So here I am at that crossroads and I have to make a choice - to do, or not to do, that is the question.

The answer is just as muddled and gives me no clear choice - I must, but I really don't want to. And that one statement takes away one path and takes away choice. I suppose I must keep to my words that I told her just before she left, "I'll give you what you want". She told me what she wanted, so I must keep up my end of the bargain I suppose, after all, I am and always have been, a man of my word.

I just want to say to her: "Punish me if I have wronged you, punish me if I have hurt you, punish me if I have been unfaithful or untrue. But why punish me like this, just for loving you?"

I will never in my lifetime, ever get that answer :-(

There is a sadness so deep and so real in my heart right now that I'm sure I am scarred and will be for the rest of my life. Perhaps this is part of detachment, perhaps this is part of moving on.

There are so many people here and elsewhere, that have had to endure all this and I respect every single one of them. This is the hardest thing I will ever do - pull the plug on my wife and pull the plug on my marriage that I was never given an opportunity to mend.

This one thing I am sure, will break me ... completely.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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I feel for you, Smilie.

Trust me when I say that we have all been there. It literally feels like the end of the world, like life is over. Like you will never smile again or experience happiness.

Let yourself cry. Scream into a pillow. Feel all of it, and it will lessen it's grip on you.

This is the worst of it, my friend. And you will survive it. And you will not only survive it, you will begin to thrive. And as crazy as it sounds, one day in the future, you will look back and be thankful it happened. Why? Because your W is a cheater and has issues that have nothing to do with you. Yes, you contributed to the end of your marriage. But your W displayed issues before you even started dating her. This is a pattern she will continue until she admits she has issues and then decides to do something about it, which is very unlikely.

Feel your pain and honor it. I promise you will smile again one day.

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Originally Posted by smilie
So here it is then. The big D. I am actually sitting here balling, you know, like a man with a backbone? yeah right, more like a bloomin' whimp!
[/quote]
It's ok to cry and let it all out.
Originally Posted by smilie
I have just received a draft divorce petition from my lawyer for approval. This is breaking my heart in so many ways. I never thought that this day would ever come and that I wouldn't even be able to get the chance to heal a relationship issue, let alone know there was one to heal.

No one ever thought we would be here. Part of the journey is accepting it and processing it.
Originally Posted by smilie
WTF did I ever do to her? If this is the price for loving somebody unconditionally, then I really don't know what to say.

Smilies no one outside of your children should ever get your unconditional love.
Originally Posted by smilie
It feels like it's all my fault.

You feel this way now but that will change in time.
Originally Posted by smilie
I couldn't support her the way she expected and she just looked at someone else who had a more affluent lifestyle and was self-sufficient (like I used to be when I met her) and she said to herself "I want that", and so she did. Magically she is transported to a nice house and driving new big cars - a true rags to riches fairy-tale.

So what kind of person is that Smilies?
Originally Posted by smilie
The answer is just as muddled and gives me no clear choice - I must, but I really don't want to. And that one statement takes away one path and takes away choice. I suppose I must keep to my words that I told her just before she left, "I'll give you what you want". She told me what she wanted, so I must keep up my end of the bargain I suppose, after all, I am and always have been, a man of my word.

NO! You do what's best for you!
Originally Posted by smilie
I will never in my lifetime, ever get that answer :-(

You will never get the answer that is satisfactory to you.
Originally Posted by smilie
There is a sadness so deep and so real in my heart right now that I'm sure I am scarred and will be for the rest of my life. Perhaps this is part of detachment, perhaps this is part of moving on.

You may be but you will keep going.
Originally Posted by smilie
This one thing I am sure, will break me ... completely.

Only if you let it.

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Originally Posted by smilie
WTF did I ever do to her? Why does she just want to absolutely ruin anything positive that I saw in her? Why is she trying to make me hate her, change my feelings and scrub over all of those years we've had together? Not only has the "Abandon Relationship" relationship switch been flipped, but also the secondary switch marked "Destroy".

Smilie, I doubt she’s thinking along those lines. More likely, “I’m getting divorced. What achieves the best possible settlement for me and mine?” You aren’t partners anymore. She’s doing what’s best for her. You’re doing what’s best for you. I get it doesn’t feel like just business, it feels very personal to compete with her in a process where her gains are your losses.

Originally Posted by smilie
If this is the price for loving somebody unconditionally, then I really don't know what to say.

Yes, loss is the price of love. I’m a romantic and still believe in love and unconditional love for my partner. Divorce and DB’ing don’t require relinquishing those. Maybe, with perspective, years from now you’ll look back and say you had 10 great years with her and 2 miserable years getting over her, and it was worth it on the balance. It may take time to get there.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
I’m a romantic and still believe in love and unconditional love for my partner.

CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

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Originally Posted by LH19
CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:

LOL! Stay safe buddy!

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
I don't see myself as doing well at all.

You did a great job dealing with your STBXW today.

Originally Posted by smilie
R jumping is exactly what she has done since she left home. I need to study Red Flags.

A RED FLAG is a behavior you won't accept in a partner. A YELLOW FLAG is something that causes you to be more cautious. When you met your STBXW, she (A) had an exit affair with you, (B) intentionally jumps between relationships without processing baggage, and (C) had baggage to process being fresh out of a relationship. For me personally, (B) would've been a red flag, (A) is a yellow flag. Immediate disqualification for having an exit affair would rule out too many women I'd be happy to be in a relationship with. Your preferences and flag colors may vary. The key is to note and consider past behaviors. smile


I'm on catchup today.. But this post caught my eye.

CW, you would date a cheater who had an exit affair with you ? Would this really rule out too many women ? For me this would be the biggest red flag possible, as it shows you where their mindset (and values) are at - As Smilie is now seeing..

As i saw with my WW - she didnt have an exit affair, but did have an affair with a guy prior to meeting me.

Just intrigued really - after all the things we have seen on this board, and the consequences of WW actions, you would still date a lady with a mindset that its ok to cheat ? Not having a dig, i'm just very curious as to why you would risk you being the next guy she exit affairs on ( as Smilie became )


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH19
CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:


I'll take a crack.

Depression was her cross to bear. CW's decision was how long he was willing to wait for her to do what she needed to do to work on her problem. I am sure CW, you didn't pull the plug on your marriage the day after her depression diagnosis, am I right? It was probably a long, sordid journey where her depression caused her to behave in ways that were counter-productive, destructive, and/or unacceptable. Depression is like any things else, it isn't the disease that is the problem, it is the patient's reaction to the disease. Like the diabetic that just ignores the doctor's advice, refuses to take the medication, and continues to eat a diet problematic for their condition.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Trust me when I say that we have all been there. It literally feels like the end of the world, like life is over. Like you will never smile again or experience happiness.

I know you all have and that's why I appreciate everybody's comments here. More that that I value your support. It blows me away how nobody knows me and yet here you all are helping me through - thank you.

Originally Posted by Thornton
This is the worst of it, my friend. And you will survive it. And you will not only survive it, you will begin to thrive.

I long for that day to come.

Originally Posted by Thornton
And as crazy as it sounds, one day in the future, you will look back and be thankful it happened. Why? Because your W is a cheater and has issues that have nothing to do with you.

Yeah, that bit still hasn't sunk in, but the pieces are starting to come together a bit more together with the shear depth of the lies and deceit over the years.

Originally Posted by Thornton
Yes, you contributed to the end of your marriage. But your W displayed issues before you even started dating her. This is a pattern she will continue until she admits she has issues and then decides to do something about it, which is very unlikely.

I didn't act. I let this illness get the better of me and waited for my wife to get onboard with starting some incomes streams, as she said she wanted to. I waited... she didn't want to and chose to communicate that and keep telling me that she wanted to. I should have just done it - I saw that as clear as day in an instant, the day she left.

Originally Posted by Thornton
Feel your pain and honor it. I promise you will smile again one day.

smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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