Still not divorced

[BL42]

Gigi123,

Good to hear from you.

So my question is mainly around how do you interact or not with your exs other half?

Fortunately whether it's my ExW's preference to "keep up appearances" or if OM2 doesn't want to go, but he and his family haven't attended any of my kids' events in the first two years of this, so I've had very few encounters. The first was early on at a transition and I made some comment out of strength like "what, OM2...you're not going to say hello to me?!?" (as he's living with my then-W and young kids). The second was a chance encounter at a grocery store in which he walked right by me and I completely ignored him.

My $0.02 is do whether is best for you. I don't think you have to say hello to your ExW's "partner", especially if they were having an affair while you were married - maybe it's different if down the road he met someone else. But do whatever makes you feel the best, most comfortable, strongest.

I like the idea of not ever seeing her or anyone else for that matter

I completely get it!

Would it be worth speaking to the kids about this?

I personally would not have a discussion with the kids on it. They're too young to be put in the middle and worried about whether you should or should not say hello and what to do in social engagements. If they were grown adults a conversation might be appropriate, but not at 6 & 8. Just my opinion.

How are you doing personally? Did you sell the house and get a new place? Any fun GAL stories?

[Gigi123]

I think she was probably fed something along the lines of our marriage has been dead for years and to this day she thinks we are divorced, which causes confusion for the kids, because mum snd dad say different things. In reality she was a subject of our conversation for some time before i found explicit messages that he sent to her, the same day he ended it and the next day they met at a hotel.

I wouldnt be doing this for me, im happy to ignore her, i would only ever do it for my children. Ill try and smile at her next tome i see them and make a point of saying hello to both of them.

Let see if that settles the questions from the kids.

[Gigi123]

Thanks for asking BL, the house is sold, but we are still here, i have found somewhere to buy but the vendors havent, so we are waiting on them, its a long process really.

Your lucky in that sense, H and OW are literally joined at the hip, in the 2 years he hasnt ever gone anywhere with the kids without her. She religiously comes to the kids lessons, which I personally find odd, but here we go.

In terms of GAL, we continue doing a lot with the kids, i find i need downtime after work and when they aren’t here because of everything that’s going on. I have come off dating apps, i just don't think i can do it. I do get lonely sometimes and when H is being horrible i do miss having someone just for a sense of safety. My family is in a different country, so im literally on my own here.

[BL42]

Your lucky in that sense, H and OW are literally joined at the hip, in the 2 years he hasnt ever gone anywhere with the kids without her. She religiously comes to the kids lessons, which I personally find odd, but here we go.

Not sure any of us are "lucky" LOL, but agreed. It must be upsetting to have it throw in your face every time you go one of your sons' activities.

In terms of GAL, we continue doing a lot with the kids,

The kids should be #1 for sure, but don't forget yourself.

i find i need downtime after work and when they aren’t here because of everything that’s going on.

Same here. I completely understand that.

I have come off dating apps, i just don't think i can do it.

Understandable. I signed up only after my D and am thinking off dropping them for awhile.

I do get lonely sometimes and when H is being horrible i do miss having someone just for a sense of safety. My family is in a different country, so im literally on my own here.

That's tough. I can relate to the lonely part, but am fortunate to have family supporting me close by.

Is OW still the 22yo (now 24yo?) who was living with her parents? I can't remember your age or and H's, but if it's any consolation just based on that it doesn't seem destined to work out between them in the long run. Regardless, remember to focus on your own self care. Your GAL was mostly kid stuff and decompressing. Any exercise, activities, socializing?

[Gigi123]

She is indeed 24/25, they now live together, im 36, h 38, i dont think its a forever situation, however it has been over 2 years now and although he says he is buying on his own, the houses they look at indicate otherwise, buying together is a huge commitment for me and im so pleased that i will be buying on my own, i will always have somewhere for me and the boys to live no matter what.
I do see my friend as much as i can, however i do find that most of my friends have families, its a different dynamic isnt it. I meditate on and off and im hoping to integrate this into my daily routine, i exercise at home, im not really a gymgoer or i need company to do that. Small steps to feel like im living. I volunteer at the kids school when i can also, this is probably as much as i can fit in anyway, boys are at their dads 3 nights per week.

We travel to see my family as much as we can, boys are really close to my family and although H family are literally 30 mins away, none of then are close and see the boys or are in touch with me. So i make sure that they are connected to my side of the fam.

[Gigi123]

Well, i was very envious knowing that there are people out there who have not met their exs new partner/wife. I also have to accept that my situation is different and that unfortunately H does drag her around everywhere. So today was my day and there was a school event and i was rather surprised to see her there. I felt it was overstepping, so i have asked him why he felt the need to bring her on my day, he just huffed. So i decided to go straight to the problem and an hour or so later when she was standing in her own i have approached her asked he if she felt it was a good idea for her to come. We had a calm discussion, but at one point i referred to H as husband, which raised her eyebrows as she thought we were divorced. I didn’t respond to that, as that would have caused further conflict between H and I and he would have started sending me emotionally abusive txt messages. Speaking to her was nothing to do with H, it was about boundaries and where she stands with my children. And i realised she is just a young girl who is clearly being lied to by H.

[BL42]

Gigi123,

I do see my friend as much as i can, however i do find that most of my friends have families, its a different dynamic isnt it.

Yes, for sure. The folks with marriages and families can't always go out for dinner and drinks on a whim, and the single folks don't necessarily understand the commitments of being a parent. I find myself alternating between the two. It's been difficult developing friendships with families with kids of similar age to mine as I tend to find it's the woman/wife who coordinates things and are less incline to include a father. I'd love to have some go-to families of kids with similar ages to go to activities or on trips with. Something to work on.

I meditate on and off and im hoping to integrate this into my daily routine

i exercise at home

I volunteer at the kids school when i can

Good stuff. Maybe something a bit more social for yourself. Meditating and exercise are good, but am home alone. Volunteering at school can help you meet people. But any passions or interest or hobbies which will get you out of the house and enthusiastic and meeting people?

I felt it was overstepping, so i have asked him why he felt the need to bring her on my day, he just huffed.

So i decided to go straight to the problem and an hour or so later when she was standing in her own i have approached her asked he if she felt it was a good idea for her to come.

I completely agree with the whole situation is inappropriate - both living with your husband and her showing up at events - but the thing is you can't control it. It's hard to accept, but we simply can't. And it's unlikely a conversation with H and OW is going to help. You see how he brushed you aside, and is she going to stop showing up because of your chat? Unlikely. Obviously she has no shame about living with your husband and flaunting it publicly anyway.

Speaking to her was nothing to do with H, it was about boundaries and where she stands with my children.

Not sure this is really a boundary. You don't want her showing up at your kids' school events. Definitely understandable. But you also can't control her behavior. How would you enforce this "boundary". You can't. You can only take action on your own.

And i realised she is just a young girl who is clearly being lied to by H.

Very possible. But...that's her problem, not yours.

[SteveLW]

Gigi, I do not recommend that approach in general, but am glad it worked out in your case. Though it could have gone another way very easily. I actually give her a lot of credit for staying calm in that situation. Sounds like she is more mature than your STBXH.

[Gigi123]

Thank you both, I certainly didnt plan it, its was spur of the moment. We were in the middle of a school field with bouncy castles and people around, cant imagine it could have gone any other way.
She said she was always anxious when she went to my kids swimming lessons and feels it would be good for the kids for us to correspond. I explained that my kids dont really care whether we do, however they do care that mum and dad get on. She said all the right things….in the interest of the children, we all want whats best for them etc.
i guess the reality is that i do not want her there, certainly not on my time with the kids.
You are right i can’t enforce anything, i have tried to get through to her, however you are right, nothing will change and i dont think she actually gets it, she doesnt have kids of her own. And i have to endure sports day at the kids school tomorrow with her there.


I do have friends with kids that are friends with mine, and your right it’s generally mums who coordinate, so might be easier for me i guess.

The boys are away for 8 days in august and im consodering going to italy for 3 nights with a friend.

[BL42]

Gigi123,

She said she was always anxious when she went to my kids swimming lessons and feels it would be good for the kids for us to correspond.

It goes to show you the LBS isn't the only one who feels anxious and uneasy. Sometimes we feel like we're the ones going through our emotions alone and the WAS/WS and OM/OW is just happy and carefree about life. I don't know why, but it gives me comfort at times to know it goes both ways.

She said all the right things….in the interest of the children, we all want whats best for them etc.

If she really mean that she wouldn't be sleeping / living with your H! I guess if it's just assumed they're going to have an affair than do what's best for them in light of that.

i guess the reality is that i do not want her there, certainly not on my time with the kids.

Yep, I get it 100%. Unfortunately not up to us.

The boys are away for 8 days in august and im consodering going to italy for 3 nights with a friend.

DO IT!!! That's prefect GAL.