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Someone asked earlier about the house.

She bought it in 2009. We started dating in 2014, and got married in 2016.

Also, I think I mentioned she makes a lot more money than I do. She paid the house off, at my encouragement the past 2 years.

Due to the relatively short duration of the marriage (4.5) years and me not being on the deed, I don't get much out of the house. I am receiving a cash pay out for my contribution with some appreciation factored in.

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Ok - so you are waiting for the cash payout before you move out, is that it? How long will that take?

I’d suggest you move as soon as you have that money in hand. Nothing good comes from you sharing that space with her at present, except that it puts pressure on her to cough up the settlement money.

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Originally Posted by kml
Ok - so you are waiting for the cash payout before you move out, is that it? How long will that take?

I’d suggest you move as soon as you have that money in hand. Nothing good comes from you sharing that space with her at present, except that it puts pressure on her to cough up the settlement money.





I have 30 days, well roughly 25 left now to move my stuff out. Then I get the payment. Oh I haven't been staying at the house since she called the cops. That let me know where she is at, so to speak-- how far she's degenerated.

Something did happen after the divorce was final. I felt my duty as the "stander" was officially over. I do accept that this is almost all her. Everything else, the things that were said and done was/is just white noise. She is, in a real sense, out of her mind. At least in terms of, she is not the same person who married me.

In the last week I am feeling less of a personal connection to her and less of a responsibility to try to figure out and push her to get help for her issues. I am accepting that this is not my wife. This is mostly a stranger.

I have a psychiatrist friend who is actually one of the top research psychiatrists in the world, with 30+ years of experience.

I gave him the entire run down, family history, substance use, relationship history with me-- being as objective as I could possibly be--making sure to point out my issues as well-- and he says he strongly suspects chronic depression and said "people do strange things midlife".

I asked about midlife crisis and while he said it is not a clinical diagnosis it is an event that people experience that is spurred on by depression. In his experience when the depression is treated, the crisis dissipates.

He said, I'll quote him here

“Midlife crisis” describes a real phenomenon that some people experience. It is not an official diagnosis but, rather, a description of an even in a person’s life. We would use the term in a way that is similar to how we use “suicide.” It is an event in a person’s life that is most often related to underlying depression. I have a patient who has a “mid-life crisis” every time he gets depressed – he wants to leave his wife, go into another field of work, move away, etc. When the depression subsides, the crisis goes away. BTW, he is 67 years old and I have seen this happen with him several times now. I am able to “talk him out of it” by reminding him of the prior experiences. This kind of event often affects a person globally – that is, affecting multiple areas of life. So, in your wife’s instance, it is not just leaving you, it is moving to Denver, getting a new job, etc. That global unhappiness (rather than unhappiness about one thing in particular) is usually a product of depression in my experience.


I shared some of this with my wife. He suggested cognitive behavioral therapy for her. She admitted, and told me, with no prompting several times that she has issues, is covering for them with substances, that she needs help.

When I say basically the same thing back to her, she acts like I am accusing her of something awful and gets defensive. I don't get it. She gets to admit it, I just don't get to say it, not even out of a place of concern and motivation to help.

I have also expressed concern to our mutual friends about her mental state and alcohol abuse, in a loving, concerned way. W frames it as "You are telling all our friends that I am crazy and a drunk".

It's like "I am expressing the exact same concerns you have expressed to me! You know you need help and have said as much. So-- what gives?"

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Originally Posted by LeeChild
When I say basically the same thing back to her, she acts like I am accusing her of something awful and gets defensive. I don't get it. She gets to admit it, I just don't get to say it, not even out of a place of concern and motivation to help.

I have also expressed concern to our mutual friends about her mental state and alcohol abuse, in a loving, concerned way. W frames it as "You are telling all our friends that I am crazy and a drunk".

It's like "I am expressing the exact same concerns you have expressed to me! You know you need help and have said as much. So-- what gives?"

Lee everything you try to tell her right now is going to pi$$ her off. There is a quote a poster uses that describes how a WW feels about a LBS at the current moment "Every Breath You Draw In My Presence Annoys Me."

This will change in the future with time and space. Right now just wish her well and go out and lead a kick a$$ life. That is your only winning strategy because she will want to be a part of it or you won't care because you are leading a kick a$$ life.

Last edited by LH19; 07/06/21 04:42 PM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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She is, in a real sense, out of her mind. At least in terms of, she is not the same person who married me.


Or. more likely, she is not the same person you THOUGHT you married. I must admit, my ex didn't "suddenly change" when his MLC hit. Looking back, I can see the red flags that were present even in the beginning, but that I chose to ignore. A narcissist can seem fine when they're wooing you and happy with you because you make them look good or fit their current idea of what they want. You might not notice the uneveness in the relationship while it seems fulfilling enough. I thought I was being a good, flexible spouse by accommodating him but in retrospect I see how much more I gave than he did.

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My offer was accepted on a townhouse near a location I wanted to be at, so I am very happy about that.

I have 11 days to get my stuff out of ex W house--what was our house. Sort of just dreading going into the house with all the memories but it has to be done. Other than records, books and clothes I only have a bed frame and a chest as far as bigger items to get out of there.

Closing on my new place is on August 9th. Once I get it furnished and livable I think I will feel a lot better.

Continuing to exercise -- I've dropped 30 pounds. At this point I am not even trying to lose any more weight yet it keeps coming off!

Going to therapy once every 2 weeks. Therapist says I am not feeling or acknowledging the emotions -- I am intellectualizing instead.

I am having these little "aha" moments. When W laid out the things she thought were wrong with the marriage I was so excited to have items to tackle. But those things were red herrings.

I had so much love and respect for her that when she would give me these criticisms I assumed they had to be valid but now I understand that, sure they are valid in the sense that no one is perfect but it was never about those things.

And everything she says about me seems to apply to her but even more so.

For example she said something about wanting me to "be more of the man" and do yard work and other traditional male chores. We have a small city yard. We pay a guy 30 bucks to cut and trim. This was never an issue before or something she ever said she needed me to do, but now come divorce time it is one of her complaints.

I thought "dang man maybe she's right. I should have done more of that stuff". But then, it just dawned on me-- why was she bringing gender roles into this?

My wife didn't want kids. Doesn't like children. Save for a few recipes she learned, I cooked every meal every night (I like to cook). If I wanted to turn this around on her I could say "You don't like children and don't cook. Are you a "real woman"? (I would never say such a thing)

There are just so many instances here where her criticisms of me seem to be obvious projections of her own faults.

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Or just "reaching" to find something. The better a spouse you were, the farther they have to reach for some excuse. I'd say if the lawn care is the excuse, you must have been a great spouse!

Congratulations on the townhouse, I know how difficult the real estate market is right now. Hope your closing goes smoothly and you can make it your own when you move in.

You'll continue to feel the emotions off and on in the future, but it's kind of like walking away from a train wreck. There's a certain amount of relief mixed in with everything else.

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My sister-in-law, one of ExW best friends, originally hooked up with my brother at my Wedding. The rest is history. They now have 2 children together.

She is an interior designer and so she helped me with the layout and furniture for my new place. We are waiting for the furniture to arrive for delivery and set up.

She tells me yesterday that the stuff might arrive next week when she is "out of town".

"Oh, where are you going?"

"Scottsdale. Girl's trip."

The Phoenix Arizona area is where ex wife's probable affair partner lives. I am sure she suggested the city for "girl's trip".

It just really, really bothers me on multiple levels. She is still lying to everyone about the reasons for the divorce. It's her affair, not the fact that I didn't enjoy hiking as much as her and my bathroom wasn't as tidy as she'd prefer.

She still isn't coming clean. She is manipulating everyone and everything to her whims. Initially, the two girlfriends I mentioned that I am closest to, took up for me. She used time, and manipulation (cutting eyes, cutting off friendship until she gets the desired treatment) to manipulate them. Apparently now half the time they are repeating her mantras "Well, you know he didn't like hiking as much as her and oh his bathroom!" Ridiculous!

They aren't going to ask questions? They aren't going to press her on this? They don't even care? These are my friends too. My "family" of friends. My sister-in-law. Also my best friend's wife, who I've known for 25+ years

I shouldn't care and I am fairly well detached, at least in process. I would not WANT my wife back at this point after what was done to me. But this nags pretty deeply.

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Hello Lee

They are masters of manipulation. Your ExW will expend incredible energies bending those around her to see her side. For those strong enough to see through her narrative, she will push them away. Her psyche cannot handle it if she were wrong. She has to blame so to justify her version of things, as petty and false as they be.

Your mutual friends will get caught up in her net. Do not fight fire with fire. You cannot win that way. You simply cannot go toe to toe with her. Live your life. Let those friends choose their path and find the truth. I know how hard that is.

These people just don’t understand. Consider how mixed up you were during the first while of all this. This is a pretty incredible and hard to believe situation. Most folks have no clue about just how deep the rabbit hole can go. And most don’t want too.

People like easy solutions. Quick fixes. ExW offers a quick easy narrative. And delivers it in a believable manner. Realize she has to, she is driven to.

Divorce is messy and horrible. Plenty of things get split up. Keep your side of the street free from filth and lies. Live your great life. Those that should be in your life will find their way to the truth.

Have faith and remain strong. You will get through this.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hey LC, if it makes you feel better to hear that it is not specific to you, my STBXW has done the same thing. She has lied and manipulated everyone who has chosen to stay in touch with her. And this isn't just her perspective versus mine type thing, these are genuine provable lies. I understand how you must feel, its frustrating and feels so unjust and if you could only they could just see who she is...

But DNJ is spot on, she cannot handle to be wrong, heck I'm sure she has convinced herself of the lies. Justification is the most important goal. Unfortunately some will believe her and fortunately some will not. Be grateful for those who choose the path of truth and fairness.

My experience has played out just as DNJ lays out. Somehow knowing this is just how it goes makes it feel better. And trust me, as someone who tried to fight fire with fire initially, it didn't work. But it is never too late to take the honourable path.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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