Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had an XW (11yrs) and an XGF (6mo). I entered a new training program and have obstacle course races planned for Aug and Nov. Next year, I'll try to climb TheMountain again. I'm dating two people:MsBunnyBoiler is passionate but damaged. and MsTallChemist is amazing but never kisses.
Four important items of note:
#1 - I re-watched Fatal Attraction. MsTallChemist gets a slight boost. MsBunnyBoiler gets a slight drop. :p
#2 - My new daily circuit class (intermediate) and obstacle course training class (advanced) are amazing. I'm making new friends there. My "Never Surrender!" approach wins over people even when I'm terrible at an exercise. Admittedly, my DOMS pain has been 6 out of 10 for the last couple of days.
#3 - MsBunnyBoiler and I have been texting daily. She called while I was recovering from a workout and watching Fatal Attraction. After planning our next date, she freaked out about our last date and told me she "regretted not canceling" and "barely knew me". She asked why I was so quiet. I was tired. We said farewell. I was a bit hurt she regretted a date I put effort into, but within a minute I was distracted by Glenn Close.
The next day I texted, "Last night I was too tired to say this, but I was surprised you wish you'd canceled our date. Having your pet here, setting your guard down, the physical stuff felt intimate and it's why I asked for sexual exclusivity. I get how you experienced it--you didn't feel safe being vulnerable because we're 5 dates in, so you don't know me well."
(Ninja skills--I wait until I can organize my thoughts, say how I'm feeling, and validate how she's feeling.)
She told me she really liked me, those positives mattered to her too, and apologized for not thinking about the impact of what she said on me. She AGAIN mentioned her heart took a battering in her last relationship.
She's beating me over the head that she's not over her ex.
#4 - MsTallChemist and I have talked 2 of the last 3 nights. Tonight is date #5! If her concern is me dating others, I'd go fully exclusive and eject MsBunnyBoiler. More likely she's dating others. Time to get ready!
On date #4 MsBunnyBoiler felt a life-shattering heartbreak after her 5-month XBF, on date #5 she was stressed she's seen him in person for the first time in 5 months while driving her car, and on the call being vulnerable is scary because her heart took a beating in her last relationship. I doubt I will date MsBunnyBoiler again. I do understand getting over ex's is hard.
the day before she'd seen her ex, and then today driving home she'd stared at him directly while driving home for the first time in months?! Weird, right?
She said some affection would make her feel better. Things escalated. In the heat of the moment, I declined sex/exclusivity. In the afterglow of not-quite-sex I felt closer but now she declined sex/exclusivity. She canceled the overnight and went home.
I'm re-reading date #5 a week ago. Did I write that?! Of course, how intimate we got on date #5 meant something completely different to her than to me. I wanted her to stay and cuddle. She suddenly wanted to leave. After date #4 we were "closer than many couples who knew each other for a year". After date #5 we "barely knew each other." I guess that's why you don't hook-up with people who aren't over their ex's. It's like the Eagles sing, "Some dance to remember, some dance to forget."
written on June 17 On date #4 MsBunnyBoiler felt a life-shattering heartbreak after her 5-month XBF, on date #5 she was stressed she's seen him in person for the first time in 5 months while driving her car, and on the call being vulnerable is scary because her heart took a beating in her last relationship. I doubt I will date MsBunnyBoiler again. I do understand getting over ex's is hard.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
stated/written a week prior on June 10
She's going away for 2 weeks. She left strategic items at my place.I won't speak to her again unless obligated to.
So what are we to believe. You seem addicted to her drama. If it’s weird and bumpy and up one minute and down the next you seem to get something from it. She sounds a lot like your ex gf who you kept saying you are done with then kept going back to or allowing her back to you. Sound familiar?
I agree with Ginger - she’s a whack a do. But why does that appear to attract you to her? That’s the real question. If I were to bet, I’d bet you’ll be seeing her again.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Date #5 - MsTallChemist - Sad. She says she wants to take things very slow. She accepted holding my hand. 4x I attempted a kiss and she accepted but was non-responsive. She's excited to continue with weekly dates.. but she also seems to be meeting weekly with two friends who are single men. She did say I'm the only guy she's kissed in 3 months. I'm out.
The reason she wants to take it slow is she was burned by her partner of 1yr about 1.5yrs ago. Her prior story was that he didn't want her in the kids' lives. Tonight she added she met them, had Thanksgiving with them, but wasn't allowed at events where his XW was also present such as Sporting Events. And the real end of the relationship was when he wanted to date other women. She doesn't want to be burned again on commitment.
She also isn't sure what will make her happy. She's NOT happy now, working 10hr days in a high position at a job that frustrates her, her respites being her morning and evening runs and weekends. She doesn't know what she wants to aim for in her career, in her free time, or where she wants to retire, and that makes it hard to choose a partner. She suggested 5 possible futures and I said I was on-board for 4 but not the 5th.
So, it's multi-dating + emotionally distant + future uncertainty.
CW - yeah, I’d take a pass on the tall chemist. Whatever the reason, she’s not really available or interested or sexy enough (who knows which of these is it? I don’t ). I’m not saying she should be sleeping with you already, but if she doesn’t even want to kiss you by this point , something’s off.
So - as others have mentioned, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Write off both the Bunny Boiler and the Tall Chemist and take a look at some others. You gotta shop around, as the old song says. You’re doing fine, btw. You’re a thoughtful dater. When the right woman comes along she’ll really appreciate that. You’re learning to rein in your attraction to crazy. Let them both go and check out a new batch.