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Step AWAY from the crazy, Andrew! Listen, if you are so intent on rescuing some damsel in distress, I'll start sending you my MIL's bills and you can take care of her. LOL Just kidding, but you get my point, hopefully. STOP trying to rescue crazy. Crazy doesn't want to be rescued. You deserve WAY better.


Me 51, H52
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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Good Morning Andrew

I'm glad you are feeling more adjusted to your numerous and mostly non clearly identified work tasks. I believe you have found the reward in accomplishment rather than the overwhelming of the vastness. It's a mindset that some just cannot get.

My work is never caught up. Never! I never get the satisfaction of no emails in my inbox, or �hey there is nothing to do let's just sit down and chat. Lol. There is always a backlog of maintenance and corrective actions that require attention. Inevitably something comes up most everyday; switching, equipment failure, unplanned or inadvertent outages, and such.

The inadvertent outages were my bane last week. Three from one of my technicians. He had lapses of judgement / concentration and poof - an outage. Thankfully, no injuries, and no customers out of power. Just equipment not available for use. Rather large equipment. The stuff that feeds the stations that feeds the stations that feed the cities and towns.

As such, I've reassigned him. These wee incidents are the warning signs that need to be heeded before something far more serious or deadly occurs. Over the next few weeks and months, he and I will be working closely. Intensive mentoring and coaching is on the agenda. Some habits need to be broken and other created and reinforced.

Given the never ending of the tasks before me and my staff it is critically important to take breaks. To: say hey, let's have a break and sit down and chat. I think you've found that as well. We need those times to unplug and recharge. Even a wee 15 minute break - away from the computer, phone, transformer, rail car, whatever - in the coffee room - gives one's mind a rest. One comes back focused and more effective. My technician needs to learn this. He has the habit of working through breaks or just remaining right at the job site. That means you really don't stop working. Your mind is still on the task. An easy enough habit to instil, I hope.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
As has been discussed on DnJ's thread, there's still a certain level of WTF about what happened and how it has played out. Part of me wishes for Karma to drive by and bite her in the butt still but largely I don't wish her any ill.

Oh yes, the WTF happened is pretty normal is such a situation. Reasonably happily married for decades, and then not.

Our long time spouse, now ex spouse, followed an irrational path. The LBS attempts to rationalize and make sense of it all. Understanding can happen, although are plenty of counterintuitive acceptances along that path.

From my point of view, and you can correct me if I'm wrong ( smile ), I see your reluctance to accept MLC holding you back.

I get it. I see those that are strongly against such tripe as MLC. Seeing it as nothing more than an LBS trying to avoid looking within or accepting their role in the demise of their marriage. Plenty of strongly worded posts abound heralding the being lost in denial if one listens to such a view as MLC and the dangers of accepting such heresy.

And there are those that are proponents for MLC as a valid and real explanation. There is certainly plenty of WTF behaviour in your XW's journey that leads credence to her living within an emotional crisis.

Both sides of this are valid. And both are true. You know me - middle of the road guy.

Let accepting the validity of both views and the validity of never truly knowing what someone else is feeling or thinking be enough. We LBS only fix ourselves, regardless of the reasons for our spouses leaving.

For what it's worth, MLC is real. You can accept that, or not. Believe that, or not. It changes nothing. MLC exists. People suffer within their emotional torment. It is only how you see it that might change. And that changes everything!

Karma. One of the things that change. One�s need for karmic intervention.

The MLC canon shows how tormented these lost souls are. Sure, outwardly at times they appear quite happy. Look bigger. Look at their lives. Their loves. Their passions. Their dreams and desires. Shadowy figments in a fake reality.

There is no need for wishing any karmic happenstance. For they are already living it!

Love the sinner. Forgive the sin. Ah, forgiveness. Another thing that comes from such a small and significant change in point of view.

Have a great weekend.

And by the way. Nice hair cut!

D

Last edited by job; 07/31/21 08:47 PM. Reason: removed weird lettering within the post.

Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

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Originally Posted by DnJ
The inadvertent outages were my bane last week. Three from one of my technicians. He had lapses of judgement / concentration and poof - an outage. Thankfully, no injuries, and no customers out of power.
I think most workplaces have people like that. We have one of the loaders / assistant engineers who is like that. One of my varied duties is providing instructions on what trucks are to be loaded, out of which tank and to what level. In the past I've seen him try really hard to please and to anticipate the instructions and not actually listen to them. Last week I very explicitly identified on 2 out of 3 documents that he was to short load a truck by about 3 1/2 tonnes (out of 26). He loaded to the full value. He doesn't report to me and his supervisor backed him up - to a degree - but accepted that the very large note about the need to short load should have worked. My own opinion is that if people aren't following my instructions the fault is mine for not being clear enough and communicating in a way that is effective. Of course, my micro-managing boss pointed out to me early that day that we'd drawn more product than we should have and then I spent time chasing it down. Blergh.

Originally Posted by DnJ
And by the way. Nice hair cut!
Thanks. First time with this new barber and one of the fastest haircuts I've gotten. I made sure to tip generously even though I wasn't completely sure about it as I want to be sure that the next time I go back that he remembers me as a "good customer" and puts in the effort.

----

Not a lot going on. Long weekend here. I finally have given up on trying to chemically get rid of the odour de la chaton incontinent from the front porch and laundry room and tore up the top level of flooring. Fortunately with the multiple renovations here there is a serviceable layer below. Yet another reminder that people who can't take care of where they live before you date them are not people who will take care of where they live later.

Despite it being a long weekend I've been stuck in my home office for a lot of it. The cat chewed on the corner of my laptop and cracked the screen about a month or so ago and the replacement is finally in which I'm typing on now. Getting it set up the way I want isn't a quick process. I also bought a new home computer (Raspberry Pi) that I need to get set up too.

I talked to my daughter and have made the choice that I won't try to get over to Seattle to visit her at the end of August. Just too much uncertainty about travel restrictions pending. The reports out about the new Covid variant make me think that hunkering down for yet more time is probably the smart choice vs traveling cross-continent.

My son and I are resuming our every-two-week brunch and going out tomorrow to a new place. It will be nice to see him and catch up.

I feel a bit guilty about not reaching out to "C" to set up a date. I may do that in the next week or so, perhaps on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon after church. It would be nice to see her and catch up. She is undoubtedly in a better place than she was when we dated a few years ago and she was mid-divorce.

I'm still in a place where I just don't have the bandwidth to date anyone. I was thinking earlier today that these past 2 years have more or less just been "lost time". I got drawn in to the chaos of "S"'s world and since we split last November have just been paddling as hard as I can to avoid being pulled down-river. Heck, I've even been considering hiring a neighbourhood kid to cut my grass and someone to help clean despite these being things that I enjoy and are a priority for me.

Well - A bit of wiggle room this weekend. I have my third load of laundry just about to shift, it's a cool and rainy day here so a nice soak in the tub is called for and then perhaps early to bed.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Not a lot going on. Long weekend here. I finally have given up on trying to chemically get rid of the odour de la chaton incontinent from the front porch and laundry room and tore up the top level of flooring. Fortunately with the multiple renovations here there is a serviceable layer below. Yet another reminder that people who can't take care of where they live before you date them are not people who will take care of where they live later.
and I will also add that people who make the commitment to caring for an animal then treat it with such neglect are not likely to do much better with commitments to humans. A stretch? I think not.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Despite it being a long weekend I've been stuck in my home office for a lot of it. The cat chewed on the corner of my laptop and cracked the screen about a month or so ago and the replacement is finally in which I'm typing on now. Getting it set up the way I want isn't a quick process. I also bought a new home computer (Raspberry Pi) that I need to get set up too.

i have to ask why our furry friends choose to do such things. I left to pick up son yesterday and came home to a mess on the floor. The dog (who had been fed dinner just before I left the house) jumped up and grabbed a container of crushed eggshells (I save them for my girls - calcium for them) and decided to dig in. Why? It's not like he was hungry, he is well fed. He's just 12 and getting a bit daft I guess. My cat loves to chew on my gardening crocs. I have a customized pair with itty bitty kitty bites all along the part that goes over the top of my foot and the very back. At least he made them match beautifully. The dog predictably puked up egg shells this morning. No breakfast for him and perhaps no dinner either while I watch to see if he's in distress. He's a springer, so they do have cast iron stomachs as a rule, but really. I think he's going to be crated every time I leave the house from now on as this is becoming more frequent. The cat puked up a hairball on my pad of tracing paper. Le sigh. All before a cup of Joe this am. Happy Sunday.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I talked to my daughter and have made the choice that I won't try to get over to Seattle to visit her at the end of August. Just too much uncertainty about travel restrictions pending. The reports out about the new Covid variant make me think that hunkering down for yet more time is probably the smart choice vs traveling cross-continent.
I hate to say this but I think this is a wise choice.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
My son and I are resuming our every-two-week brunch and going out tomorrow to a new place. It will be nice to see him and catch up.

I'm really glad you two are resuming this.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I feel a bit guilty about not reaching out to "C" to set up a date. I may do that in the next week or so, perhaps on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon after church. It would be nice to see her and catch up. She is undoubtedly in a better place than she was when we dated a few years ago and she was mid-divorce.

No need to feel guilty, AP. Life happens.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'm still in a place where I just don't have the bandwidth to date anyone. I was thinking earlier today that these past 2 years have more or less just been "lost time". I got drawn in to the chaos of "S"'s world and since we split last November have just been paddling as hard as I can to avoid being pulled down-river. Heck, I've even been considering hiring a neighbourhood kid to cut my grass and someone to help clean despite these being things that I enjoy and are a priority for me.

Lost time is one way to look at it. Another is that you've learned a very great deal from the last two forays out into the world of dating that you would not have perhaps learned in any other way. I hope that you will feel less sad and lonely over time and more grateful for the lessons, as you continue to heal. BTW healing isn't lost time. And you are dating - right now you're dating AndrewP. He's a pretty nice guy, even got a spiffy new haircut recently.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

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Originally Posted by bttrfly
i have to ask why our furry friends choose to do such things. I left to pick up son yesterday and came home to a mess on the floor.
With the cat it's absolutely an attention getting thing. He doesn't chew on anything unless I can see him do it. I had been worried because he does chew on wires and that is a pretty big safety risk. Dogs I don't have experience with but I'm not surprised your pup went dumpster diving. This is new behaviour I presume?

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by AndrewP
My son and I are resuming our every-two-week brunch and going out tomorrow to a new place. It will be nice to see him and catch up.
I'm really glad you two are resuming this.
Had a nice brunch with my son. We generally talk about work and life and whatnot. His poker games have started up again which are around the corner from me and one of his few social outlets so that's good. Overall he seems to be doing well. He had a fresh haircut and his beard is back - it comes and goes depending on wind direction I think. Like me, it was very sparse until he hit about 25. An acquaintance stopped by our table and remarked on how much we look alike - which I don't see so much.

One thing that came up that was slightly annoying, but not all that surprising is that he needs me to drive him to an eye appointment in a couple of weeks. He started by asking if I still worked from home on Wednesdays when I said no - it seemed to be an issue that he wouldn't be able to get to the appointment otherwise. I never bothered to ask if he had checked with his mother or not - presumably that wasn't an option for him. Her fella is retired so .... - anyway - whateva. His mother historically hasn't been one to go out of her way for her kids or me - I remember her wanting to just drop me off at the hospital when I was in for a heart procedure years ago - her boss had to insist on her taking the day off. She hates missing a day of work which was always her first loyalty it seemed.

Oh and bttrfly - I picked up a moka pot and made some nice coffee with it this morning. I had reached out to my daughter - her husband is "very" into good coffee for recommendations and she suggested a medium roast. I put the kettle on as well so after the moka pot brewed up the espresso I added water to get Americano. Very tasty and it will be nice to have the option to have coffee from time to time for myself and any potential guest. It's just a small pot so I end up with 2 mugs full of coffee which is exactly the amount I need. And the moka pot is a pretty cool piece of kit as well.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Odd feelings this morning. For the first time in a long time I miss my ex. It's the whole holiday morning / sleeping in thing that hit the hardest. Holiday mornings are for laying in and just "being".

I suppose in part that it's the nearly literal life-time we spent together for over 2 1/2 decades that play in to that feeling of "comfortable" that I had. If I had been asked about the state of my marriage prior to everything going all "explody" I would have said that I was content.

August in particular is a difficult month because what was my anniversary is in the middle of the month as well as the anniversary of when we met. It is also when I typically take a week or so off - historically so that we could go somewhere for our anniversary and to also get the house ready for winter - yes - the year has just vanished in a blur.

I'm also getting more comfortable in mentioning his mother when my son and I visit. Tales like the fact that when car shopping I had to be sure to not hit my head and that she could see over the dash. I don't know if that's a good thing or not - but I feel less need to shunt those memories into the bin. They happened. That probably helped to put her front of mind as did some old pictures of us together resurfacing in social media in the past few days.

Waking up in that empty bed didn't create any sort of urging to find anyone to share it with though. Perhaps it's a function of just being so darned busy lately, related to the burning my trust and heart took with "S". Not that I had any heart-break at the end of that relationship - just that through it, those values that I have about respect, trust etc just got stomped into the mud. Along with the optimism that there could be "someone" out there for me.

My marriage nor my partner certainly weren't perfect. And neither was I. I could be a bit of a "stick in the mud" and also get wrapped up in random interests be it boat building or wearing bow ties. She had a nasty temper and while capable in many ways and things, it always felt that I and the kids took second place while her energies and capabilities were focused outside the home.

As I've written before recently, I'm "stuck". And like the 50 year old wallpaper in this room, if I don't know what to do I will often do nothing. On the other hand I know that some changes - like pulling up the flooring in the laundry room and front porch this weekend - can have unexpected and pleasant results. It was so nice to walk down the stairs this morning and not get a whiff of incontinent cat. I put up with that for months though - hoping that with minimal effort that it would get better before taking the risk that I would make a bigger problem when removing the flooring - yeah - sometimes my analogies are really a stretch.

It used to be that when I would see random women on the street or talking to them, I could imagine what it would be like to have that person as a partner. Now, no. In part I feel broken even though I know I'm not. Tired and bruised, yes.

Well - examining my entrails here isn't getting stuff done. I need a quart of milk so may drive a bit for it rather than just getting it across the street. I may stop out at the cemetery on the way too and check on my real estate investment and visit some relatives.

I have an hour or so of work to do today, the grass needs cutting and the dusting is hovering - but a break to do something "useless" is a good plan.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Quote
If I had been asked about the state of my marriage prior to everything going all "explody" I would have said that I was content.

Quote
She had a nasty temper and while capable in many ways and things, it always felt that I and the kids took second place while her energies and capabilities were focused outside the home.

You were content with very little, it seems.

Can you construct a picture in your mind of what a better relationship would look like? Someone who is kind. Who likes your bow ties. Who wants intimacy. Who can share an intellectual discussion with you? It's not too much to ask.

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Hello Andrew

I too felt pretty content and assured before my married went all explody as well.

It�s ok to miss your ex. I miss mine as well. Of course, I endeavour to be accurate and clear so to clarify.

It is W you miss, not XW. The person she was, or you thought she was if that is more along with what you think or believe (or want too). Personally, I go with she was that person you slept in late with and felt so comfortable around. She changed along the way, like all of us do with the passage of time. Unfortunately, her changes were likely driven by some unrealized hidden irrational forces which lead to irrational and immoral behaviours and actions.

Over two and a half decades. It�s a lot to accept and let go. And with the anniversary date a few weeks away, feelings are stirring. And by the way, those memories are not meant to go in the trash bin. Our ghosts can either haunt or help; the choice is up to each of us. Your�s are helpful in my humble opinion.

I empathize with your feelings of being stuck. I do not believe you are stuck, just pondering is all. A good thing in my view. Taking stock and ensuring one�s path is a pretty good reason for a pit stop.

During this internal shifting and organizing, you can still do something. Being still doesn�t mean not progressing. Removing that old wall paper and the smelly floor boards are excellent examples of useful projects. And in more than just the obvious fresh air. Letting one�s mind and heart be, ushers in fresh and renewing as well.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Waking up in that empty bed didn't create any sort of urging to find anyone to share it with though. Perhaps it's a function of just being so darned busy lately, related to the burning my trust and heart took with "S". Not that I had any heart-break at the end of that relationship - just that through it, those values that I have about respect, trust etc just got stomped into the mud. Along with the optimism that there could be "someone" out there for me.

Values can get stomped on, even by ourselves. It�s ok. Pick em out of the mud. Belief in respect, trust, honour, etc. doesn�t shatter from pressure. Strengthen that which serves you.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
In part I feel broken even though I know I'm not. Tired and bruised, yes.

Glad to see you recognize the feelings and the temporariness of such.

Life at times is hard and can hand out some bruises and scars. (Chicks dig scars I�m told. Lol) Dust off, rest, heal. Keep moving forward.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have an hour or so of work to do today, the grass needs cutting and the dusting is hovering - but a break to do something "useless" is a good plan.

My grass needs cutting as well; around 5 hours of work. Probably an other 5 hours of spraying weeds is also required. Instead, I�m taking the day off and enjoying this holiday. I actually slept in til 8:00 am. Completely unheard of! Of course I was called out two nights ago and got home at midnight and got up at my internal alarm of 5:30 am. Then had an other call to attend to. So maybe my over ten hours of slumber was due.

I think I�ll go brush the dogs for a bit. I like your idea of �useless�.

Ah, the fresh air - body and soul. Breath deep my friend.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

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I have no grass to mow so cannot really relate, but my sister in Portland OR daydreams about getting something called an iMow, apparently a roomba for mowing your lawn.

Andrew, you're so busy these days that I'm not surprised that you lack the energy for dating. And unfortunately, with the pandemic, the opportunity for other types of socializing are limited. It will get better. You need to take this time alone I think, so that you will be more choosy in the future.

What will you put down in the porch? Maybe just a large area rug over the existing linoleum? Or maybe some of that new, inexpensive vinyl plank flooring that looks like wood? Or maybe peel and stick tiles that you could put down easily yourself? Look at your home like a new girlfriend might view it - if you build it, they will come. wink What is the purpose of the porch now that it's no longer a storage unit?

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Andrew,

Thank you for my new favorite word "explody". Explody is bad, but it provides an opportunity for rebuilding.

I just bought a Ruggable (well two, but only put one down as a test). My cats tear up everything. So this is a low pile, chenile top rug (no loops for them to pull at) that you can wash in the washing machine that grips to base layer. I put a runner in the kitchen as an experiment and so far the cats have shown zero interest in it. Because it is low pile and has the grippy bottom, it works great in the kitchen. Doesn't slide around, you don't trip on it, etc. I know they make indoor/outdoor ones as well.

I hired a yard guy when I moved in. Looked for the nicest yard on my street and then waited till the yard guys showed up. They quoted me a good price and I've not had to worry about the lawn. I imagine you probably like doing it when you are able, but I didn't want to have to buy the equipment/maintain it/get heatstroke or lug the trimmings out on bulk trash day (and store them until then).

I'm sorry you are sad to wake up alone. I imagine it's the sort of thing that comes and goes. I've been quite delighted to do so (well, sometimes because my fat cat will often be there when I awake). Kick out my legs and revel in my choices each day. I think the loneliness will set in after my amygdala calms down from all the stressors I have had to deal with for years now. I'm planning to join some activities when it does. Until then I'm in a happy hermit stage.

Have you ever read anything by Pema Chodron? She's an American Buddhist. At the beginning I read a book called "When Things Fall Apart". I found it very helpful. I don't know much about Buddhist tenets and it is probably something very basic, but I liked the notion of being most free when we have nothing, are tied to nothing, and have nothing else to lose. Life is an empty canvas and you get to paint it any way you want. I love that (right now anyway).

Thinking about you dear friend.

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