A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
DnJ #2921031 07/08/21 04:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
Hi kml

You bet!

Detachment has been the norm for so long it was interesting and kind of humorous having a reminder.

D


Now: Me53 XW50 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921073 07/09/21 09:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,556
Likes: 7
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,556
Likes: 7
hahaha, now that's funny!

I don't really understand the need to keep tabs on what the ex is doing or to speculate on the details of their new life. I do wonder from time to time if my exh thinks his new life is worth all the pain he's caused to those he considered "collateral damage," most especially our son. However those thoughts don't help me. Ever. They simply lead to resentment and a deep deep deep anger. I feel it's best to focus on our own lives and forget about them. Good on you for doing just that!


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
DnJ #2921125 07/09/21 10:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 730
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 730
Hi D -

I wanted to personally say that what you wrote meant a great deal to me. I am ok now and steady, but in the midst of an upheaval of brutal awareness about my family of origin. It is a lot to process, nearly 5 decades of "stuff" i had buried or avoided. It is a hard but necessary step in the healing process and there is no way through but through. As you know all too well.

Soon I hope to come here more often and have discussions with you, I do so enjoy the philosophical nature of your thread. smile

Thank you for what you wrote. The forum is very lucky to have you.

Take care, friend smile

DnJ #2921139 07/10/21 02:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
Good Morning

bttrfly, giggle. I still laugh at what I did. My goodness, I got distracted within seconds and drove by, with her house on the left side of the road, and completely focused on something else. Weeds in the case. Lol. As I said, it was a passing notion. Fleeting I suppose. smile


IW, thank you for your kind and heartfelt words. It is a very good feeling to be reading your post while having my coffee this morning.

I like the way you put it. There is no way through but through. Yes, it is a tough slog at times, and it will smooth out. Just remember the way through isnít always brute force and head on. Actually, it is seldom like that. Control and influence. There are plenty of opportunities for a more elegant and influential approach with even better outcomes. Our influence touches our life in many many ways.

As an example, gently closing the cupboard door. Each and every time close the cupboard door - gently. Almost silently. Every time. One can control that. One can control their actions. That actions of being gentle, influences us. That influence spreads and affects other parts of our lives. We stop slamming the door on the house, and on the car. Gently becomes more engaged in aspects of our day. We drive to work in a less aggressive and more gentle manner. This affects and influences how we arrive at work and therefore how we approach our day. Which then further cascades to more and more behaviours. All from simply controlling one wee tiny single action of purposefully gently closing a cupboard door. Ah, the elegant simplicity.



S20 is out for the weekend. We had a bbq steak diner last night and stayed up until midnight talking about his work and all that math. OMG! Five hours and it passed by like it was only four. Lol. Hahaha. No, it sped by rather quickly. Such an engaging topic.

Iíve invited Mom and Dad over this afternoon and for supper. We are going to have a campfire and cook campfire pies. If you recall my previous long ago post on them. All of us were talking about them during last visit and weekend meal. How good the hamburger, pork and beans, and cheese all melted and sealed in between two slices of bread was. So, I got the supplies and we are making them tonight. Everyone is looking forward to this.

Usually the ďpiesĒ have pie filling, but a few meal fixings makes a really tasty morsel. Well a bit more than a morsel. Maybe Iíll get some pie filling as well and make some dessert pies too.

Looks like itís going to be a nice day.

D


Now: Me53 XW50 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921142 07/10/21 02:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 550
Likes: 3
9
Member
Offline
Member
9
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 550
Likes: 3
Hi D! Love reading your posts. They put me in a peaceful mood and I can smell the pie from here! Thank you for encouraging me to find the gentle in all things. I can control that.

Have a wonderful time with your parents and thanks for sharing your world.

xo


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
DnJ #2921274 07/13/21 01:12 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
Hello Hope

The pies turned out good and we all enjoyed the day. Funny to have a campfire on such a hot day; we had to sit back rather far. Lol

Good for you seeking the gentle in all things. And nice to see you in such a peaceful mood. Ah, if only you could have shared a campfire pie. I had lots!

D


Now: Me53 XW50 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921340 07/14/21 02:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,377
Likes: 1
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,377
Likes: 1
Oh I loved that story of your drive-by not-noticing. Your eye was focused on your true best friends, all the green growing things of our world! I have so much to report to you and many construction questions to ask you but I never have time so I will just drive by for some pie and a look at the larkspur with my list of questions.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
DnJ #2921385 07/15/21 12:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
Hello Gerda

Iím happy you dropped by. Iíve been wondering how youíve been keeping. How the construction is going. And many other things.

I do wish you would have dropped by and had some pie. That would have saved me from eating so much! Lol.

It brightened my day to hear from you.

D


Now: Me53 XW50 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921517 07/18/21 03:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,113
Likes: 6
Good Morning

Itís a lovely Sunday here. Started out raining a wee bit and is now sunny and bright. It is suppose to be hot and with this moisture it surely will feel sweltering. I am on standby and I hope nothing breaks down today. smile

I was reading here and there and was inspired by a statement made by BL42 on 97Hopeís thread.



Good Morning BL

You are receiving some truly excellent advice. As one who lives and believes in the middle ground - all sides of an issue as valid - it is quite freeing and peaceful. Far too many people are extremely polarized and quite unable or unwilling to see or consider the other view. Strive for better not bitter.

Originally Posted by BL42
I know I'm not supposed to care at all about what my now ExW is doingÖ

This is not quite correct. Of course you are going to care. What youíre supposed to do is focus on yourself and your kids.

We cannot directly control our feelings - only influence them. Feelings are actually quite fleeting when not reinforced. You control your thoughts and actions and reactions. Thatís it. Those three things are all that is in the realm of your direct control. Your feelings and beliefs are then influenced from those controlled thoughts and actions. Of course, external factors influence your feelings as well; we are discussing that which you can control and therefore alter.

That is how one alters their path. Finds their middle ground and peace. Mental assertiveness - sword and shield (if youíve read my posts smile ) - influences your beliefs and values and feelings. Controlling what you can leads to detachment, letting go, and such.

A word on indifference:

The ďnot supposed to careĒ is a heading one is temporarily on. We learn detachment; the ending of being dragged around by our spouseís behaviour, actions, and words. We regain ďcontrolĒ (lol, influence remember) of our feelings and emotions. We then find indifference and the peace it brings.

Indifference is a temporary state. It is the absence or muting of your feelings towards your spouse. This is a weird landscape. That void causes other feelings to loom larger than they really are. Nature abhors a vacuum and your feelings will grow to fill it. Many different emotions will seem and feel very strong and therefore real. Infatuation and temptation is one of the cautions this is specifically direct towards. Our feelings are real; and temporary.

Do not make life altering decisions based upon feelings. Indifference does fade and our feelings do return. Something to consider.

While the noise and commotion of oneís spouse is muted and pretty much absent, use that time wisely. Seek your internal self. Discover your beliefs, values, and convictions. Strengthen those beliefs that serve you. Craft values that you aspire to. Alter or discard those that do not serve the life you want. Discovering our beliefs and altering them is a key step to peace and contentment.

Beliefs are not directly controllable either. Like feelings they are influenced. However, beliefs are slow to change. It is the slow change which make them excellent headings for oneís life. Once you have organized and sorted our your convictions - live them. Feeling are fleeting. Thoughts come and go. Follow your beliefs.

Back to your quote. It is alright to care. It is alright to not care. And then it is alright to care again.

Not caring is different than uncaring.

From a guy a bit further down the path. I still care for my XW. Heck, I still love her. And Iíve forgiven her.

It takes a certain amount of understanding to let go. With understanding comes compassion. Compassion leads to empathy. With understanding, compassion, empathy, and a life of kindness and gentleness comes acceptance and eventually forgiveness. Although I do at times think maybe forgiveness needs to come before true acceptance.

At any rate, forgiving requires one to not be indifferent. Oh, the counter-intuitiveness of this path.

One cannot forgive when one doesnít feel anything towards the other. Without feelings there is no need to forgive. No actually ability to forgive. I think this to be the biggest huddle for most folks - their working to remain indifferent and not caring.

I get it. The peace from feeling nothing is so welcomed after that ceaseless horrible pain. There is a valid concern of reentering that world again. Thing is, indifference is a skill. One can lessen it and one can strengthen it. We control ourselves. And we influence ourselves. Indifferent is a feeling (lack of feeling) which is affected and influenced by us. It can be turned on and off rather quickly as it turns out.

As indifference melts away and our feelings return, those beliefs will kick in. Hopefully one has organized them well. Some of the common societal values I believe need to be altered - vengeance, punishment, justice, restitution, and such.

We all feel and believe in the justified punishment of the bad guy. Heck, I too cheer when in the movie the bad guy finally gets his comeuppance. I also enjoy watching videos of bad guys getting caught as much as the next person. Our values need altering. And our focus.

It is not our place to dish out justice in our situations. If/when you stand in the middle ground, you will see and understand the other side. Nothing is as straightforward as it appears. No one know all ends, so serving justice is best left to God or fate or karma.

Likewise our belief or need for vengeance or restitution or punishment. These are ego driven. Our need to be right. Another belief we need to alter somewhat. There is definitely a place and time for our ego in our lives; although here it is rather bruised and hurt, and we therefore want to lash out. Let go and seek better.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday

D


Now: Me53 XW50 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2921622 07/19/21 11:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 186
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 186
DnJ,

I just had to pop in and saw your detachment/distraction by the weeds story. I can only hope to get to this level sooner rather than later! ha! I am holding in there, but have no choice but to interact with my STBXH while we settle the house. I've been keeping things light and not being overly responsive, and that is working for me right now with the level of stress I am under. I almost cannot wait for another month or more when things hopefully change enough to have even less contact. And I'm sort of glad I won't be able to 'drive by' where he is living. Will really be a "out of sight, out of mind" reality.

Anyway, hello! And thanks for all your stories and advice!

El


Me 51, H 55
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (18 and 20)
BD: Fall 2020
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...
Divorce Started: Spring 2021


Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004