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Hey Cardi,

Just letting you know I'm watching and thinking about you often. Don't stress too much about the timing. H is going to be a jacka$$ about it whether it happens next week, next month or next year. I know you know this. And it's not fair to have to live on egg shells this long. But the sooner you push through the hard parts of this D the sooner this will all be over. Find the rainbow in the rain. You got this cardinal. Lots of love and light your way, my dear.

xoxoxo

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((wayfarer)) Thanks so much for stopping by and for your support shared with me and so many others here. Eagle, you are always welcome to write to May on my thread, as is anyone! smile

Reminders from both of you: Answers will reveal themselves in due time. Don't stress too much about timing.

H texted to announce he's moving out by the end of the month and he's starting to move next week. Maybe my boundary pushed him along a little. We'll see if it happens this time. I've been in a slight stress mode making arrangements for my trip during a crazy busy time at work, and now I'm choosing, for the second time, to delay this trip so that I can be here with the pets while H (maybe) moves out. I will enjoy being away more if H is actually gone from the house anyway. L gave me the go ahead to re-sign the lease in my name, so, either way, that's a step forward. By the time L sends the letter regarding disclosures, H will be gone (or he won't, but he's getting that at the first of the month for sure!).

I've come a long way in becoming financially independent and in just plain feeling like I can handle stuff on my own, yet there's still a tiny part of me that is anxious about taking the remaining expenses on, nervous about how the moveout might go. A natural response to change and uncertainty. Of course I can take care of myself; I've been doing that for quite some time now. I suppose this is where I thank these feelings for trying to protect me and stay the course with no expectations. Greet each day as it comes. Focus on what I am thankful for. Gratitude has had a really centering affect on me lately. One of the good things that comes from difficult experiences like the ones we've all had, I think, is that we know we can survive. Or eventually, I hope, we come to see and believe that.

I'm also thinking it might be helpful to remind myself here that even if H does leave, even if/when I finally have a safe space for myself, I might not feel that space in my body right away. Or that feeling may come and go. I might find myself egg-shelling for a while, and it's okay if it takes some time to work through that.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
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Somehow did not expect all the emotions as H begins actually moving out, things going out the door, dividing books, etc. He’s calm again, not in a huff like the last time I saw him. Of course, he’s starting a couple days earlier than he told me. I thought since I’d waited for this day for so long, and I’d already grieved…but I guess there’s still a bit more to grieve along the way. More processing to do at each milestone. I reminded myself the loss already happened the day of BD; I lost H then and it’s not happening again. I didn’t choose this but I’ve made peace with it, etc. What was Gerda’s analogy about a broken arm? I caught myself imagining what it would be like the last time I see him here. What will that moment look like? I suppose it’ll come when it comes. And there’s still a D to finish! I’m trying to remind myself to simply stay present with these emotions and not to overthink too much. It’s been a while since I felt sadness about all this, but that’s okay. There are other emotions on the other side.


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Hi Cardi darling!

I read about your recent challenges with an obstinate, pot-smoking H and his friend and felt like I was reading a passage from The Book of Joy (by Tutu and The Dalai Lama). Your patience, compassion and understanding of yourself and those around you is truly inspiring. And your human-ness in all of it is what is the most relatable.

Originally Posted by cardinal
Somehow did not expect all the emotions as H begins actually moving out, things going out the door, dividing books, etc.

You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel some emotion right now. It's one thing to predict this day, anticipate it, perchance look forward to it, but it is still going to bring up the past. With every book taken from the shelf and added to a box, you are reminded of a past that is no longer. I feel this way every time I deep clean another room and find objects belonging to H that I pack away for him to take. All this history, all this love, consolidated into a meaningless box.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I caught myself imagining what it would be like the last time I see him here. What will that moment look like? I suppose it’ll come when it comes.

If you are anything like me, the anticipation holds more gravitas than reality. I thought the exact same thing, but now I can't even remember the day he actually moved out, or the last time I saw him in a particular room. None of it holds any weight, but at the time I thought it would crush me with its significance.

Over the past year, I have unceremoniously taken down wedding photos, pictures of H with my late Dad, pictures of us as a family and it was just that: taking down old photos and making room for the new ones. My lack of emotion has been both welcome (I've come so far!!) and concerning (is something wrong with me that I am not crying right now?) but at the end of the day points towards the resiliency of the human spirit: you will survive.

Thinking of you, sweet friend.

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Good Morning cardinal (and Sage)

Yes there is more processing at each milestone.

I also held all those last moments. Last hug, last time XW was in the house, last talk, time since her departure, etc. So many counters/timers. I have no such detailed accounting anymore. I now have to calculate how long it’s been since <whatever last time>. It’s funny how we let go. Well, I suppose how we hang on actually. Man that stuff had so much meaning before.

Originally Posted by Sage4
With every book taken from the shelf and added to a box, you are reminded of a past that is no longer. I feel this way every time I deep clean another room and find objects belonging to H that I pack away for him to take. All this history, all this love, consolidated into a meaningless box.

Originally Posted by Sage4
My lack of emotion has been both welcome (I've come so far!!) and concerning (is something wrong with me that I am not crying right now?) but at the end of the day points towards the resiliency of the human spirit: you will survive.

A past that is no longer. It does feel like that. For a while. Have faith, indifference does unwind.

It’s not a past that is no longer, it is a particular visioned future that is no longer. Your past exists.

As indifference rolls back, emotions return, and with us being better healed, it ushers in a bright future. Your past returns. Have no doubt about that. You lived it, you loved it, you will remember and recall it - rather fondly, as you’ve invested into yourself over this time.

And how we traversed this unwanted path comes back as well. Seeking and displaying grace, dignity, kindness, compassion, while one’s world is crashing around them, brings very few regrets. How one walks the journey matters. After all, it’s always been the journey not the destination.

The past is.

The future is new, unknown, and as yet written. Write big and bold. Make it a great!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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keep it in the moment. suffering happens when we are in the past or anxious about the future. very easy for me to type. very hard for us to practice.

you can get through this. I believe in you. xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Dear Cardinal,

Can relate to your feelings big time at the moment.

It's odd to see that when we read each other's thread there is so much similarity and we can have the same feelings at the same time.

And that makes it just that little bit easier, to have the feeling that you are not alone and that we can come out of this stronger together.

Most of the people here who have replied have already gone through these stages and they have all made it through.

Surely we will be able to do this too.

We undoubtedly have to have those moments, in order to be able to take that extra step forward again.

As they all say, everything will be all right in the end. We have to hold on to that. (indeed Bttrfly, sometimes easier said than done...) xxx


Me(45)EXH(44)
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04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Now is a great time to make a vision board, envision a great future for yourself. And to reclaim the space, arrange the furniture any way you want, redecorate, change it up.

Would you consider getting a roommate to help with the rent?

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Oh - and keep an eye on what he's taking, don't let him either walk off with stuff you want, or leave a bunch of his stuff behind for you to have to store.

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Originally Posted by kml
Oh - and keep an eye on what he's taking, don't let him either walk off with stuff you want, or leave a bunch of his stuff behind for you to have to store.
what she said.

Remember, everything is a marital asset. Everything.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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