A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
Recap: 11yrs ago I was a WAS to my XW. after trying to fix the marriage for 1.5yrs. 2yrs ago I was BD'd by my XGF. Now? I'm training to climb a big mountain and enjoying the single life and dating. (:

Prior Thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2919509

Well, TONS of good advice. These are the two women I'm dating--

MsDoGooder (3-4 dates in) is attractive, very kind, very affectionate, active and *maybe* loyal. The chemistry is spicy, but our conversations outside pillow talk and romance were so-so. She suggested I join her for 1 week of a 2-week vacation?! She also is ready for full intimacy. Saturday's date is a 1.5hr drive, 2.5hrs kayaking, and 1.5 drive home. This will be a good test of how we travel, communicate, and work together. If she hits this one out of the park, I'm ready for more intimacy, and would even be open to joining her for 2-3 days of her vacation.

MsTallChemist (2-3 dates in) is attractive, very active, very loyal, kind and.. not sure about affectionate. She moves fast enough we can workout together, and I feel like I could talk to her forever. But 2 dates in we didn't even hug! To be fair, neither date was romantic. Sunday'st date is a romantic picnic where I get to prepare a meal and she gets to dress up. She says she has a romantic side--somewhere, lol. If we can find it she'd be a great partner.

*** Dates Past ***
MsAdorablePuppy (interest: high) - 1 date - She wanted an "inseparable" partner and that ain't me.
MsSmileyBallerina (interest: high) - 1 date - We had nothing in common despite lots of fun texts.
MsWineAndClimb (interest: medium) - 1 date - She wanted witty banter in the evenings when I'm sleepy.
MsSoloAdventuress (interest: low) - 1 date - She's too busy to date. She made a good choice deleting her app.



Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,909
Likes: 1
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,909
Likes: 1
OkÖgotta weigh in with everyone else here. Be careful CW. When I read your descriptions of both of these women, I worry about you getting too caught up in the chemistry of #1. If that is the major attraction here, I would be very cautiousÖespecially if you are looking for someone long term.

Relationships that go from zero to 100 in the blink of an eye tend to burn out just a quick. Compatibility and chemistry are not the same thing. You can love a lot of people but you canít build a life with everyone you love. Compatibility is really, really important. ďI feel like I could talk to her forever.Ē That sounds like chemistry to me - at least from an intellectual perspective. Physical chemistry isnít always immediate. Ms Tallchemist may be more of a slow and steady wins the race kind of girl. She also may want to know more about you before she gets to the romance side of things. To me, that shows a mature mindset and someone being very thoughtful about who they bring into their life. And with respect to her wearing baggy clothes to go on a hike. I just see that as someone who wants to be comfortable and someone who is comfortable with who she is. She isnít trying to pretend to be someone she isnít to get the guy. That wins a lot of points in my book. And, no offence but if that is something you would write her off for, frankly, you donít deserve her. You know Iím a fan of yours CW but geezÖ


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,556
Likes: 7
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,556
Likes: 7
I'm gonna turn this puppy on its head:

Forget the women. What I want to know is this: what exactly are you looking for vis a vis the opposite sex? You've said your main goal is your athletic training. You've set a date with a mountain for 12 months from now or so, and a lot of work to accomplish that goal. Where does a romantic partner fit in? These are the kinds of questions I would ask myself regardless of other parties.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
Hi DejaVu,

Iím definitely getting caught up in the physical chemistry with MsDoGooder. Thatís why I chose a road trip and kayaking for our next date. I feel like our time together has been.. curated.. and when we talk I hear about rosy things but not her struggles or challenges. Today is 6hrs together. Maybe Iíll see another side to her?

With MsTallChemistry, I guess my initial feeling was baggy exercise clothes didnít show any effort and I chalked up her speaking about her miscarriage and whatís good and bad in her life as poor emotional regulation. Who talks about those on early dates?! Not that she was an emotional mess, but they werenít canned, practiced stories. Iím beginning to see sheís just genuine, and I feel safe taking freely around her. I admire her loyal friends and strong physique.

Iíll keep dating both until the choice is clearer.

CW the Polyamorous? lol. It feels weird to fool around with one woman while dating another. Iíve always rushed to exclusivity, so Iím working through new feelings of guilt and jealousy, and where my boundaries are. (:



Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
Butterfly, this is an excellent question. Iíll think on it.



Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,941
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,941
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Iíve always rushed to exclusivity, so Iím working through new feelings of guilt and jealousy, and where my boundaries are. (:

Perhaps this is what some of us are sensing. Old habits are hard to break. LH has said it several times now, you are a different type of guy than some of the others here. Thatís neither good nor bad but might make it harder for us to understand and give good advice for someone like you. You certainly put in effort and work at this. Part of why I date less and less is I just donít have it in me to put in that much effort. But you also spend extra time trying to figure this all out rather than just enjoying what is. In the end, at least from my vantage point you still seem to be rushing to exclusivity. I will say, you seem to have flushed out a high percentage of real people out of OLD. I think it took me several years to go on the number of legit dates youíve been on in several months. Again, you seem rather different than me (and out in more effort) so perhaps thatís part of it. But even when I tried the ratio of actual ladies ready and wanting to actually date was low. OLD works better for some and at least so far itís worked better for you than most any guys Iíve seen.

Trivial and just an aside, I thought (: was a sad face and : ) was a smiley face. Have I had that wrong all these years or is that too part of being a different breed? Lol


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,465
Likes: 18
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,465
Likes: 18
Don - the sad face us when the parenthesis curves away from the colon. frown like a frown.

Afraid youíve been sending people happy faces for sad things!

As for dating success - a lot may depend on age, location, and how picky you are. OK Cupid studies show that men especially appear to contact women way above their own attractiveness level - they might have more success picking less perfect looking women. (African American women apparently get the fewest date offers, for reasons I simply cannot fathom).

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,465
Likes: 18
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,465
Likes: 18
Like this. : ( But with less space

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,922
Likes: 6
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,922
Likes: 6
So I read a stat that a guy will swipe right on one out of every 10 women where a girl will swipe right on one out of every 200 men. I also read that 33% of people trying OLD never go on one date.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,496
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by LH19
So I read a stat that a guy will swipe right on one out of every 10 women where a girl will swipe right on one out of every 200 men. I also read that 33% of people trying OLD never go on one date.

Wow--if when OLD the average guy discards 90% of single ladies based on superficial characteristics, no wonder they have a hard time with online dating. I bet they wouldn't turn away 9 out of 10 women offline who indicated they were attracted. A Bumble exec made the same point about women. In an OLD study, 1" of height (5'8" to 5'9") was worth like $50,000 in income, whereas in speeding dating one inch made almost no difference. We tend to optimize based on what is easy to filter on. Bumble tries to guide people away from discarding great matches based on superficial characteristics by only giving you 1-2 free filters, plus an extra checkbox next to each--"Is this really a deal-breaker?!" Beyond basic attraction (7 out of 10) I'd prefer to NEXT people based on values (re: affection, activeness, kindness, loyalty) as we get to know each other. Someone asked me, does anyone really say "No" when you ask if they meet your values?--I said yes! Of course, that's only the first layer of the onion. You learn more each chat and date together. (:



Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004