[Ginger1]

The problem with 2 years is that if your families don’t mesh, your kids can’t stand eachother, 2 years in is a long time to find that out. It honestly doesn’t work that way at all. And if there is a couple who are looking to expand on their family and have more kids, 2 years to introduce kids, a year to see how they get along. Another year or 2 for kids….. it’s a little much.

But to each their own. I am am not an advocate of too early, especially fresh out of a marriage. But too long can be detrimental as well.

[SteveLW]

The problem with 2 years is that if your families don’t mesh, your kids can’t stand eachother, 2 years in is a long time to find that out. It honestly doesn’t work that way at all. And if there is a couple who are looking to expand on their family and have more kids, 2 years to introduce kids, a year to see how they get along. Another year or 2 for kids….. it’s a little much.

But to each their own. I am am not an advocate of too early, especially fresh out of a marriage. But too long can be detrimental as well.

Oh no, Ginger, I meant it takes at least 2 years to REALLY know someone.

[MrBrside]

Thanks for answering, and fair enough. If she isn’t the type of person you want around your kids, she absolutely shouldn’t be introduced.

To me its about getting the right person. 2 weeks, 2 months or even 6 months does not reflect most people's true personalitys.

It was probably LH ( sounds like the kind of thing he would post ) that said "for every red flag, 6 are hidden.. lol

I had a date last weekend with a lady who was with a man for 9 months after her seperation. ( husband cheater )

Two regrets she had..

1 - she met the 9 month guy too soon after the ex husband walked out - like a month later. She admits her head wasnt in the right place.
2 - introduced kids after 4 months..

7 months in and she has concerns over anger and agression ( the way he spoke to people when ordering food when they went for a meal etc ) , which had been masked for 7 months.
9 months and he was abusive ( verbally ) to her..

He had children and she had children.. Her children were upset becuase they lost their new friends.

I think i my initial thread, i mentioned my WW introduced OM to the children 3 days after leaving.. 2 weeks later and they found him in her bed - my middle and eldest daughter were so upset. Ive seen first hand how this stuff goes.

its also the long term impact... Ironically my WW's earliest childhood memory is mum and dad arguing when he left ( cheated on her mum) .. My WW was about 3 at the time

She spent a month sleeping in bed with her mum.. both just a mess and upset.. Until 1 day the paperboy ( he was an old paperboy as he didnt have a job ) came to deliver the paper and WWs mum and paperboy hit it off.. from that point, she was not allowed into her mums bed any longer becuase paperboy was there.. True story, but one of my WW's earliest memories and it caused a lot of resentment.

Point being - 35 years later and she used to always reflect on these memories - and it went full circle with her and my children.

But I’ve been encountering men who when there kids are present, the rest of the world does not exist.

Depends on the context i suppose. I have my children just shy of 50% of the time. In that time, its our time. Again, my children have been WW just ignore them / snuggle up with OM and told them to go outside, speak on the phone to OM for 30 minutes etc and they vent on these things.

Hence, i listen - and be the best Dad i can.

With the 7 month lady, she got to see me whenever i did not have the children. If and when i do introduce somebody to the children, that person would be in "our time"..

I am also very up front with dates.. ie i wont text you when i have my children and i wont introduce you for a long time. They know where they stand.

[MrBrside]

The problem with 2 years is that if your families don’t mesh, your kids can’t stand eachother, 2 years in is a long time to find that out. It honestly doesn’t work that way at all. And if there is a couple who are looking to expand on their family and have more kids, 2 years to introduce kids, a year to see how they get along. Another year or 2 for kids….. it’s a little much.

But to each their own. I am am not an advocate of too early, especially fresh out of a marriage. But too long can be detrimental as well.

being honest..

I would rather my kids experience 1 relationship breakdown every 2.5 years if things dont mesh, than every 6 months..

Just my opinion, but thats 3 less upheavels in their lives..

Wanting more kids does impact on that, but if you stick a logical hat on ( sorry i know i love that word ) i would rather wait 5 years ( 2 year intro, 3 years blending ) rather than another relationship breakdown.

[MrBrside]

MrBrside, I have always mentally high fived all of your advice. But I would like to know if I could pick your brain a bit for personal reasons.

oh and FYI - ive always considered you one of the most logical people on here lol

Hence this wont apply to you.. BUT

Walk away after 1 drink red flag for me is if a lady introduced her children to people very soon.. ie weeks / few months.

I had a date with one lady who took her child on the date and left him playing in the beer garden while her and the date got drunk !!!!

It is very common.. A lot more common that i ever though it would be - and to me it shows selfishness behavour.. ie once introduced we can all do thing together and i get to see new partner more etc etc..

Broken people or people who dont care about the kids will apply this practice -

Healthy people pay the bill, kiss on the cheek and run lol

[LH19]

[quote=MrBrside] You monkey brached to your current girlfriend, which took your focus of the ex.. Mentally, you have always been attached to somebody.

I have a sinking suspicion his focus is still on his wife.

Hence IMO you found a quick fix.

Yep like a heroin addict getting another fix

I recently came out of a 7 month relationship and my children were totally unaware of the lady.. clueless..

I had two short exclusive relationships 3-4 months each in which my children had zero clue were going on. I did meet the one girls son which was her idea not mine. To each his own.

I didnt call / text her when i looked after my children and i asked her not to call / text me until i instigated ( ie when the children were asleep / gone )

So I didn't set these boundaries but it was sort of a mutual respect thing. I would answer texts when I could but not if I was engaged. We would plan calls at night. We would meet early in the morning for a run or walk before my kids woke up.

She started to ask to meet my children and i just said no.. not happening..

I never experienced this but have respectfully declined if I wasn't ready.

To me there are so many factors in play. Age of children, how long have you been divorced, how long have you been dating, do you see a future, children's maturity.......etc.

[LH19]

It was probably LH ( sounds like the kind of thing he would post ) that said "for every red flag, 6 are hidden.. lol

It does sound like my usual words of wisdom but I can not take credit for it lol.

Point being - 35 years later and she used to always reflect on these memories - and it went full circle with her and my children.

Same with my WW. Her dad moved out when she was 14. She often talked about how traumatizing it was for her and the worst time of her life. 30 years later she does the same thing when my son was 14.

[Steve_]

To bat down a whole bunch more assumptions:

I have my kids 43% of the time. On my days with kids I don’t get on the phone with GF until they are in bed, or in the evening. I don’t call/text all day long. It’s bad even from an attraction standpoint /hat tip to CW.

I am not monkey branching lol. Maybe someone should re-visit that term. That is when you literally are in one R and then you find the next R and transition over. That’s what my EW did. She left me for OM, then left OM for current OM. She allows no gap. Y’all act like I spent time with my EW during this, I had been alone, her with OM since early September. Yes I tried some things to see if I could get her to shake it off and come home but obviously to no avail.

I don’t mind the 2x4’s here but sometimes you guys need to understand too that faith can be a big part of someone’s view on an R. Not just the “dating game” if it was not for the exact lack of red flags (thus far) I would not be exclusive with this GF. But the way we both are that’s how it is. We agreed if it doesn’t work and we don’t end up together long term we will be a good learning point for each other and respect whatever time we had.

She does want kids, I am okay with that, it would be nice to re-live that with a partner who is actually a good partner I missed a lot of the joy of that process due to the toxicity. I explained to her this would be a couple years from now but something I’m okay with. If things work out for us.

Did this happen quick? Yes.. unexpected ? Yes! Was I looking for an R? Hell no. Do I believe god put her in my life for a reason when I forsaked a lot of “hot girls” at work trying to “help me get over this” yea..for sure.

If I thought she was a play toy. I wouldn’t even have bothered. I don’t need that. No offense to casual daters, just people coming in and out of my life casually doesn’t line up with my beliefs.

[LH19]

Not just the “dating game” if it was not for the exact lack of red flags (thus far) I would not be exclusive with this GF.

Steve I do not know your girl friend but I can promise you that if she is many years younger and she is willing to immediately jump into a relationship with a broken man who has a couple kids and a looney toon exw a month after his marriage ended. There are RED FLAGS! You are just to caught up in emotion right now.

She does want kids, I am okay with that, it would be nice to re-live that with a partner who is actually a good partner I missed a lot of the joy of that process due to the toxicity. I explained to her this would be a couple years from now but something I’m okay with. If things work out for us.

So again you are already planning a family. Crazy talk.

No offense to casual daters, just people coming in and out of my life casually doesn’t line up with my beliefs.

This doesn't have as much to do with your beliefs as it does with your abandonment issues. You keep kicking the can down the road. Have you read Wolfs thread?

[Steve_]

More extremes… it’s like the sith, dealing in absolutes here…

Her saying “my goals are a family and a marriage” and talking about family and marriage so that we both understand that is the ultimate goal we both have (assuming things work out) is not “already planning a family”

I communicate everything with her. It was important for me to know her relationship goals, what she is looking for, and to understand what is going on. I told her that would be years from now. Like “hey, not gonna happen for a long time”

If you call that convo “already planning a family” c’mon man… I call it healthy communication as adults about what your relationship goals are, not playing games and then coming out with it 6-8 months later after all this attachment has been made. And yeah I sometimes wonder why she is willing to work with the crazy EW and the strange sitch, I have asked her this straight up, her answer was pretty much “yeah I know I’m 31 you are 36, I know you have kids and I don’t, but I have not met a man who is able to talk to me, he straight up with me, and who has such a record of being a good father and took his commitment seriously, who is strong in his faith”. That was essentially her answer. She’s had 2 LTR’s first one didn’t wanna commit after 6 years to an M and the second wanted to propose and buy a home at 1 year. Too fast for her. But you are totally allowed to use your extremes here, I get it. I’m keeping my eyes open, waiting for the big reveal of something wrong..until then I’m just taking it easy.

I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, not looking to move closer or have her come here any time soon. She is 5 hours away. I like that for awhile. I get to dictate how much time I invest and ensure it’s not too much. Still work on myself and have my privacy with my kids. This is why I’m okay with her. I would not be doing this if she lived in this city I do and I wouldn’t be doing this if my family did not know her so well as a well rounded woman.