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A Message from Michele
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Previous Thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2918048&page=1

Recap:
My Ex-GF has a disease that causes mood swings. I would've stood by her if we could've talked through them, but she was ashamed and ran from therapy. After 4 months of blocking her, I unlocked her. She texted she wanted to snuggle up to my chest, and 1.5 hours later I was a bad person for not responding. She's blocked again.

*** Last Update ***

Hi Don,

Thanks for your constructive criticism.

I want to continue picnic hikes because they're affordable, fun, and easy to shorten or extend.

This morning's $14 picnic (for a friend) included 2 nitro cold brews, 4 lemon-blueberry protein muffins, and feta watermelon salad. Passerbys commented on it and my friend finished everything. I gave up the last muffin to my son who I happened to run into by chance and that was one more happy customer. (:

I get your point that the rose and picnic may have been interpreted by MsCutePuppy and MsSoloAdventuress as me having a higher interest in them than I did. I could nix the rose and let them know I often prepare picnics. Don, Ginger, etc. if any of you lived nearby I would offer the same with no romantic strings! I get your point that when I put my arm around MsCutePuppy and tried to hold MsSmileyBallerina's hand, they may have interpreted those as a higher interest than I had since by then I knew a romantic path was an unlikely outcome.

So, Dating Dos: 1) Be myself, 2) Put a bit more thought into how my actions may affect my dates!



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Hi CW,

I have been following along and just wanted to chime in with another female perspective on this whole thing. First off, you know I heart you a lot so please know this all comes from a place of caring.

I have to say that I also feel you're setting certain expectations with these women before you yourself know you're interested, and it doesn't feel fair to them. The flower is definitely a romantic gesture and feels authentic and good if you know you're into someone, you want them to know it too, and everyone is kind of on the same page. It feels a little like you're doing it more in an insurance-policy-type way-- in CASE you are romantically interested, you're setting yourself up for success and making it as likely as possible that she is swept off her feet. Which if it all works out is great! But if it doesn't, she could feel pretty badly and rejected if you come across as so into her before you even meet that you're bringing flowers and a romantic picnic, you see meet her in person, and all of a sudden you're backpedaling and not sure if you want a second date-- how would you expect her to feel? Also, at some point you're going to meet someone you could really hit it off with and she's going to see these gestures as hollow and maybe slightly creepy-- why are you bringing me flowers and whisking me away for a romantic picnic when you don't even know me? Do you do this on every first date? That starts to no longer feel spontaneous and romantic but more like a player. If I were you, I'd work to tone down the overtly romantic tones, lose the flower, keep the picnic but maybe choose beer over wine (DEFINITELY not sparkling wine!), etc. Are you putting this all in a big fancy picnic hamper or are we talking cooler or in your backpack? Maybe refer to it as "snacks" rather than a "picnic" too... just some suggestions to keep it feeling less like a grand romantic gesture and more like just fun and thoughtful.

On the date where you didn't click in person and you asked to leave early, why did you go to brush your fingers together? Same with the arm around Ms Puppy and holding Ms. Ballerina's hand. I don't really understand your motivations there.

xx M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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Yeah nix the flower. The picnic is fine if you don’t make it all romantic looking. Soft sided cooler not wicker basket with red checked tablecloth.

Also, when are you gonna post the recipe for that watermelon/feta salad!

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Originally Posted by May
But if it doesn't, she could feel pretty badly and rejected if you come across as so into her before you even meet that you're bringing flowers and a romantic picnic, you see meet her in person, and all of a sudden you're backpedaling and not sure if you want a second date-- how would you expect her to feel?

Omigosh! I never thought about it that way. MsOneMonth made me a picnic on our second date—complete with waterproof blanket and an orange juice carafe. It would definitely be unexpected and disappointing if I mentioned a next date and suddenly her schedule was murky and complicated. Okay, roses, begone! I bring imported sparkling water in a glass bottle—no wine or beer to worry about. I use a hiking daypack, each “component” in a ziplocks, plus dishes/napkins/silverware. I can refer to it as snacks instead of a picnic—good idea. Well, except MsSoloAdventuress —she had a terribly hectic day and came straight to our date, which is why I modified the basket to be more filling. I try to be compassionate but have blind spots. Thanks so much for pointing them out.



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Originally Posted by May
On the date where you didn't click in person and you asked to leave early, why did you go to brush your fingers together? Same with the arm around Ms Puppy and holding Ms. Ballerina's hand. I don't really understand your motivations there.

MsCutePuppy opened with a more enthusiastic hug than normal and she was the one who closed the personal space gap on our walk. I wasn't opposed. She was walking so close, our hands/fingers kept brushing into each other. (Maybe a cue to hold her hand?) Before we sat to eat, I heard the "inseparable" dealbreaker. Sitting across from each other she looked at me and her voice trembled when she said she missed affection. It felt like a plea. I had an urge to move beside her and embrace her, but a second thought that we didn't seem a match and being affectionate for someone else wasn't a pattern I wanted to repeat. I remember feeling icky when I did that in the past. (Granted, in the past I went further than a hug, and maybe "Would you like a hug?" so it's clearly compassionate and not romantic would've worked well.) Soon it was clear to both of us "inseparable" vs "needs time mountaineering" was a mismatch. I finally decided an embrace was too much but I could offer an arm around her and that would feel good to me, too--so when we sat by the shore, I did that. Extraordinarily complex? My first date with a stranger in 4yrs and a new situation. wink

MsSmileyBallerina was simpler. I said I was fading and wanted to call it a night because the conversation wasdying. Why did I take her hand 5-min into the 10-min walk to our cars? We'd had such a connection texting, I guess it was a Hail Mary hoping that we felt something we hadn't been feeling. I wanted to give that every shot?



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Next time: "Hmm.. if I'm not feeling it, might holding their hand or putting my arm around them send mixed signals?"



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Obviously, no dates for a couple of weeks, this is all for future research. (:



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I just popped in to say that I applaud you, CW. You seem to be making a concerted effort to learn and grow to be a good partner when/if you eventually find the woman you are looking for. All of this advice that is getting thrown at you if just making me more and more grateful that I am no in the dating world and if I found myself there, I would not be that interested in dating because there are just way too many things to think about these days. I won't bother to offer any further advice, because I can see from what you are being told that my views are very old-fashioned and just don't line up with expectations/reality of the current dating world. Everyone is saying nix the flowers and I'm thinking I would like to get flowers and while I can see why people are saying it is a romantic gesture, I was raised in the South and in the South, you just don't show up without some little trinket for someone, so why can't flowers be that trinket? If you will forgive the hijack, I will tell a brief story..............years ago, long before all these swipe right sites apps and before online dating was even a thing, I was a single woman and in my late 20's, working as a high school teacher. I had a core group of students who I spent a lot of time with because they were a part of an extracurricular group that I served as the sponsor for. I had a bond with these students. One of the young men, one of my favorites in fact, came to me and asked me if he could fix me up with a guy he worked with. I was never much a fan of fix ups, but prior to internet dating that seemed to be more prevalent, so I figured what the heck and told the student he could give the guy my number. I vaguely knew who the guy was because the business where my student worked was one that I frequented. The guy called, we chatted, he called a few more times and we chatted a few more times, then he asked me on a date. He was a very nice guy. He showed up to pick me up and brought me flowers, took me to dinner, then took me to see a movie. "Typical" date, I guess, though honestly I have never been a huge fan of movie dates as a first date because it is hard to talk and get to know each other. Anyway, super nice guy and I had enjoyed our phone conversations and I even enjoyed the date with him, but I did not feel any kind of spark at all. I just wasn't attracted to him in a physical/romantic way. Did he bring flowers to maybe "sway" me? Possibly. Did it work? No. My point with that story is that I guess the days of that sort of thing are over, but I always think bringing flowers/a flower is a nice touch. Maybe just avoid red roses.....LOL As I recall, the guy brought me a bouquet that had pink roses in it, but was not just roses.

As I always say here, you HAVE to do what works for you and what feels right for you. But, as I said in the beginning, good for you for really making a point of learning what it is that works and feels right for you so that you can really make some good choices and be a good partner (when you find the person you want to get to that point with). The only advice that I would offer that I haven't seen offered yet would be take your time. It is a marathon, not a sprint. wink


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Dawn - I think flowers would be lovely on a real first date. But these are not real dates, just first "meetings", and shouldn't be treated quite the same as an actual date. If they like each other and decide to go on a REAL date later, then you can haul out the flowers.

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Again why I'm glad I'm not in the dating world. I get what you all are saying and am not disagreeing...just saying I see it differently, which is what makes the world go 'round. Dating was much easier when I was younger and you could just go out without all this "meeting" stuff and all that. The first time I met Sparky in person, we had lunch together and I would totally call that a date. For the record, so would Sparky, but we are old farts, so there is that. Meetings seems more impersonal and like a job interview situation, but again, NOT disagreeing, just saying I see it differently. Lord, the whole world has changed. LOL


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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