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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Thany for your input CWarrior en DnJ. And thank you again for showing me there are 2 sides to handle this.

The biggest question is.. what do I want?
Honestly. I don't know.

2 years and 2 months past BD and I still don't know...

One day I want to be divorced, completely detached from him because I have the feeling that only then I will be free, only then will I be able to build my own life again which probably isn't true.

On the other hand, I'm fine here, with the exception of the fact that he comes every 6 weeks to be with the children for 1 week, so we are in the house together for 1 week. (I'm always nervous and anxious about that)

DnJ, you're EXW never gave you a choice, she was immediately gone which had to be so painful...

You know, I can't say I'm unhappy, but I just feel like I'm missing something all the time. That something is missing in my life. And I can't get rid of that feeling.

Situation between Tuesday and yesterday completely turned around. H sent a lot of friendly messages yesterday. He even let me understand that he was planning to return permanently to his homeland (where we live). I didn't comment on it, just answered on another message he'd sent.
Today he act like this and tomorrow he act differently so why breaking my head over it.

This morning he was messaging my son. My son told me what he wrote and something came out of it that made me think he is seeing someone else. (linked to social media, from something I saw on his account...I know, I'd better not watch...)

Then messaged me if we could call about his travel plans with the kids this summer and when he would be coming to see the kids. (is planning to come during the birthday of S16)

He just called.
After discussing some things I asked him if there was anyone else in his life.
He did respond calmly, but immediately said no and why I would think this.
Just said if you come over in the house and you have someone else you can't be under the same roof with me.
That this is not fair to her, nor to me.

I also asked him if he still goes to the psychiatrist and how he felt now, if he was better and he said that he actually felt better and that he still goes sometimes but not much anymore. He also said that it had helped him.

What really struck me was how little he wants to tell me.
He sounded very absent-minded and very protective of what he wanted to tell me. I've noticed that for the last 2 months already. Before that, this was absolutely not the case. Then he regularly called in the evening if he had had too much to drink etc.

He also asked if we could have dinner the 5 of us in a nice restaurant to celebrate the birthday of S16. I said it was OK.
(he also mentioned, no other people please, just us)

This summer he is planning to rent something abroad, in another country then where he currently lives. Why does he always wants to be on himself, in a place where nodoby knows him?

Last edited by Eagle3; 06/04/21 07:08 AM.

Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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DnJ Online
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Good Morning Eagle

Originally Posted by Eagle3
The biggest question is.. what do I want?
Honestly. I don't know.

2 years and 2 months past BD and I still don't know...

It is ok and normal to be unsure of what you want and where you are headed. Life was flipped around and upside down on you and it takes a while to get one’s legs back under them.

My go to advice. Feeling are fleeting. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings or the lack thereof.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
One day I want to be divorced, completely detached from him because I have the feeling that only then I will be free, only then will I be able to build my own life again which probably isn't true.

Freedom is a state of mind. Divorce is only a piece of paper.

In the context of rebuilding your life; the emotional healing not dating and such; being married is not impeding that. Just as much as divorce will not suddenly promote healing. As you alluded to, you are able to rebuild your life. Be patient and keep doing the inner work, time will work it’s magic.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
On the other hand, I'm fine here, with the exception of the fact that he comes every 6 weeks to be with the children for 1 week, so we are in the house together for 1 week. (I'm always nervous and anxious about that)

Precisely. You are fine and doing well. Encourage and strengthen that thought and belief of you are doing fine. Great even!

The every sixth week anxiety is like waiting for that other shoe to drop. How is H going to be. What is going to happen now. And so on.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
DnJ, you're EXW never gave you a choice, she was immediately gone which had to be so painful...

True, it was pretty painful. And over. No coming around or periodic visits. The withdrawal was horrible.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
You know, I can't say I'm unhappy, but I just feel like I'm missing something all the time. That something is missing in my life. And I can't get rid of that feeling.

Indifference. Limbo. There is an emotional void. And nature abhors a vacuum. In time that nagging feeling of missing something will fade. It’s less “getting rid of” and more “accepting of” that feeling that moves one along the path.

Remember we are also around mid life. We have our own journey through our midlife transition. We look back upon our life’s work until this point. We have to make peace (or not to one’s detriment) with our accomplishments and regrets, our successes and failure thus far. This normal healthy journey is against the backdrop of our MLC spouse, marriage blowing up, pending divorce, and such. It is a lot to take in and internally reconcile. Be patient.

Oh my, I’ve got to get going to work. Lol

Talk again soon.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ
My go to advice. Feeling are fleeting. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings or the lack thereof.D


Originally Posted by DnJ
You are fine and doing well. Encourage and strengthen that thought and belief of you are doing fine. Great even!D


Thanks for this. I was indeed doing just fine and on the right track. And I'm almost there again.

I had a set-back until this morning because I had expectations. I expected (don't know why) H was working on himself and made some progress.

He reached out quite a lot last week in a good way, asking for my help on some things to arrange (not D wise but other stuff) which I off course helped him with. (cake eating?)

Then he called on Saturday to explain his holiday with the children during summer. He sounded very absent, like a stranger almost.

I had a strong feeling he is having an OW2, or even OW3 and is lying about it again. When he told me he almost didn't go to the psychiatrist anymore I couldn't not believe it. This person has helped him in two months time, and he feels better now? How is that possible at all?

He did creep in again due to this and left me feel hurt and anxious which resulted in 2 sleepless nights and some crying.

Strange to say but if I would know he is having an OW, I could be more firm towards him in order to agree to sell the house.

After reading the advice on Cardinal's thread, (DnJ, Scout, kml and Gerda) this has brought me back on the right path.
I don't have to think about him, only about myself now since I can't change his path.
My path was to set through with the D and that is exactly what I'm going to do.
Back on where I left it last week, I'm ready.

Sent him an e-mail today, very straithforward, with a new proposal of the agency with some amendments he mentioned in his last e-mail. I wonder what the reaction will be like now. TBC


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Quote
Strange to say but if I would know he is having an OW, I could be more firm towards him in order to agree to sell the house.


If it would help you to know that, then find out. Snooping is generally not advised because it can be hard to unsee things and because it makes it harder to act as if things are going to be ok, but sometimes knowledge is power.

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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
If it would help you to know that, then find out. Snooping is generally not advised because it can be hard to unsee things and because it makes it harder to act as if things are going to be ok, but sometimes knowledge is power.


Thx kml, and I most probably would have already but I simply can't find out, unless I would go to the country he currently lives and spy on him. laugh He is not active on social media at all, and I don't have access anymore to mail, personal accounts etc. I asked him to block everything for me about 1.5 year ago as it made me sick back then.

Anyway, I don't have to know. I simply go forward the way I did before. In a polite and gentle but yet firm way.

We had some back and forward e-mails about the agency contract, still not there but I have patience.
If we don't come to an agreement then the next step would be laywers and court but I'm not yet ready for that.
We'll see how things move in the near future.

Yesterday it was Fathers Day in the country where I live.
I sent him a small message, simply said my thoughts were with him and telling him it must be difficult to not be with them on this special day. I got a message back thanking me for my support and how he appreciated my message.

In the afternoon he called with the children and they chatted for a while. It was a nice call and they all seemed happy afterwards.

Later that day, I answered his email regarding a question he had asked about the sale.

And then, suddenly out of the blue, don't ask me why, yes very impulsive but for me the right thing to do, I decided to send him a personal e-mail.

Did I do this for him? Not al all. I did this for myself. I felt I was ready.

Forgiveness is more and more present. And this goes hand in hand with looking at the past in a positive way.

I am not saying that the pain is no longer there, or that it could not strike again in full force should other things happen or come out again in the future, if there is love there can still be pain, but today I can say that I have reached a point where I can be at peace with myself and all that has happened in the past.

The email was about gratitude, and about the fact that I am grateful I met him so many years ago and that he completely turned my life upside down in a good way.

Grateful for the children I have with him, grateful for the intense love and happiness I have received all those years.

I can't rewrite history. A friend recently put it to me so beautifully. She knew both of us very well and always knew how great our love was for each other. She literally told me, be happy that you have known intense love and happiness for so long. Many of us have been with someone for years and will never experience what you have experienced. I added this to the e-mail as well.

Also mentioned how he turned my life upside down again 2 years ago, in a completely different way then the first time but that it made me, weird to say, a richer and more complete person.

A mail, straight from the heart, not really DB, but felt a huge relief when the e-mail was sent.

I wasn't expecting a response at all but got one today anyway.

Have read your mail, beautiful wording. Thank you for that.

Wasn't necessary, but nice to see he'd read it anyway and there was no negativity.

I simply replied short. (and took a phrase of somebody's story here which I never forgot) grin)
Thank you and kind of you for sending me a short answer.
We can't change the past, but we don't have to be stuck in it forever.

A bit about the GAL as well now. A few weeks ago I was chatting with my sister and we came up with an idea to start a potential business together. blush
Don't say it will happen but at least I'm filling my left-over hours with searching for a name,doing some market research, and putting a business plan together.
Great thing to do, and hopefully with a positive outcome.

Have a nice morning, day or evening everybody.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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He signed the contract!
Don’t have a clue why suddenly he did, maybe my e-mail?
Anyway, taking steps forward again!


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
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DnJ Online
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That’s good news!

I’m sure your email didn’t hurt. Probably not the deciding factor for him; still a factor though, a whatever level he placed it. The less one pushes the less they push back.

Sincerely telling him how grateful your are to have had your life turned upside down years ago by him was heartfelt. And I love your realizing your history and keeping it intact.

It’s an interesting journey for us and our crisis spouse. Nothing you do will affect their path, and everything you do does.

D

Last edited by DnJ; 06/15/21 03:32 PM.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hey guys!! I am a new member here and this is my first post. I’ve read these threads for about a year and half now and they have helped me tremendously. Wish I would have found them a lot sooner! Can you tell me where I need to post my story or where to seek advice? I expected this to be a lot easier then it is🥺 I am a bit overwhelmed.

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Great news, Eagle! I hope things continue to move forward for you. I admire the way you were able to choose words for you and find gratitude in that email. It’s making me realize I don’t think I could do that. I can imagine being grateful for the good times we had but not sharing that with my H, because all of those “good” times to him are colored by his lens and his resentments—any caring we did for each other is now me never doing enough and him doing everything at his expense, to his detriment. My challenge, I suppose, is to write that kind of letter to myself and not let his current view rewrite what I experienced, which sometimes feels false in the face of his beliefs. His perspective is valid, but is it true? I struggle there. (Here again I remind myself that living with him still makes it harder for me to see through his fog.)

But your friend’s words are beautiful and ring true to me, and your words are inspiring too. You are not letting go of your history, it seems, or trying to rewrite it, or even fighting against his rewriting; you are simply acknowledging it. Taking a moment to appreciate it.


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Originally Posted by Navarro
Hey guys!! I am a new member here and this is my first post. I’ve read these threads for about a year and half now and they have helped me tremendously. Wish I would have found them a lot sooner! Can you tell me where I need to post my story or where to seek advice? I expected this to be a lot easier then it is🥺 I am a bit overwhelmed.


Hi, Navarro! You just start a thread here in MLC and you will get many replies though it seems like the Boards are more quiet than they used to be. Another thing that helped me when I started this journey was I wrote down every expectation I had of H as a list of "Expectations of H I Surrender." I put it in an envelope to look at a year later. It helped then and it is astonishing to see it now, how far I came.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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