Wolfman moving forward

[Ginger1]

Well, i know in my town, tackle football involves a certain level of commitment. It’s a team sport and he can’t be on a team where he just doesn’t go on mom’s days and goes on dads days, he will likely get kicked off the team or not let him play and stay on the sidelines

If she doesn’t agree and says she won’t take him, well, then your kid will see who is holding back and it isn’t you

[Wolfman]

I can't comment on the best way to handle the ex, but please watch the movie Concussion with Will Smith before putting an 11 year old in tackle football.

I did. I played football since I was 10 also. I played college football and semi pro football. Went to a NFL tryout. So I am very aware of the dangers. I was hesitant on him playing, but if I can coach and make sure things are done correctly the. I am fine with it.

CW, I don’t know how football is where you live, here it is a full time commitment. If he starts missing practices he won’t be able to play. So, his mom would have to bring him on her days. Or else he won’t be able to play in games. I just feel bad for my s if she refuses.

Ginger, he would see but he is so afraid of her, he won’t say anything. Just like with baseball. She didn’t want him to play so he stopped playing. She tried very hard to limit me with the kids. And I don’t like her manipulation, telling him she will lose time with my d. When it’s convenient for her, she throws the kids in the middle. Ugh so frustrating!!!

[Traveler]

Wolf, I've coached rec league soccer and especially basketball, not rec league tackle football. I guess I could see football being different as it relies on more coordinated plays.

In basketball, if a player attended practice the week before the game, they were guaranteed a minimum playing time. The coach was who indicated whether someone attended or not unless a parent complained. Most skills (dribbles, shots, passes, picks, etc.) could be practiced effectively with 1-3 people. I'd feel fine offering my kids a "makeup" practice as long as everyone got an opportunity to attend so I wasn't showing favoritism.

If a sport requires you and your XW to get along, seems you're out of luck until you repair that burned bridge. Maybe stick to the sports that don't require any cooperation until you're ready to tackle that?

[Ready2Change]

What did you decide?

[DejaVu6]

Just a thought Wolfman… it seems like your S is being lost in the war (not yours, hers) between you and your ex. He could really use a third party representing his illness. I don’t know what is available in your area but I think in the US, there are “guardian ad litem” programs? I am not extremely familiar with how they get involved or when but it seems to me it would be worth looking into. I played basketball as a youth. Missing every other practice would have got me kicked off the team and/or warming the bench. If your son really wants to commit to a sports team and his mom’s attitude/behaviour is preventing this, perhaps a third party could add some pressure to her to do the right thing. Anyway…just something that occurred to me. Hopefully things will improve over time. (((HUGS)))

[Wolfman]

Ex is at it again. My 11 year old son was begging me to play tackle football. I had some reservations about it. I played college and semi pro. I know a lot about football. When I found out I could coach my son I gave him the ok. He was super excited, he couldn’t wait to play. He was cheering in my car when I told him he could play!! I said you just have to ask your mom. I spoke to him last night and he said his mom said no. I asked why? He said because she said it’s not safe. I said I would be coaching. He said I know but mom said it’s not safe. I said that’s ok that mom said no, if you still want to play I can sign you up.
Side note, the only reason I have to get his moms permission is because of the expense. We would split it, if she says no and I decide to put him in the expense is on me. Just wanted to clear that up.
He said no I don’t want to play now. I said what do you mean? You were begging me to play, now you don’t? He said he is already doing flag. I told my son, open your eyes your mom doesn’t want you to play because it would be more time with me. Why else would it be ok the following year when he is on the school team and I can’t coach. She did the same thing with baseball. He wanted to play and convinced him he didn’t want to. I am most mad because he said he doesn’t want to play now when he was begging me for months. Now he doesn’t want to play because his mom said no. This is just so wrong!!!

[kml]

I dunno - if I were his mom I wouldn't be happy about an 11 year old playing tackle football either. You being the coach doesn't mean he can't get a concussion. Even the mild effect of head butting the ball in soccer is associated with reduced IQ points. I know you assume this is about your ex wanting to restrict your time with him, and you might be right, but it might also be that she has read about the effects on young brains of the sport. I certainly wouldn't have put him in the middle of it by telling him you could still sign him up.

[Traveler]

. I told my son, open your eyes your mom doesn’t want you to play because it would be more time with me.

Wolf, I'm surprised. You were just speaking out against parental alienation. I get you're angry she won't take your son to tackle football, and additionally told him she thinks it's unsafe. Is it appropriate to tell your son what your wife's motives are with certainty ("Open your eyes!") when even you aren't certain? I don't think so. If you're having trouble controlling your anger towards her I would consider therapy. I'm seeking therapy. You have a lot going on!

As for her motives, it may be as black and white as she wants to make you angry. I bet it's more complex. Your son attending tackle football involves safety concerns, spending money, you get a higher share of custody, your son may get exposed to more negative statements about her such as the above, and more painful handoffs.

This is all stuff two ex's who can communicate can negotiate. Until you repair your relationship with her, I wouldn't expect her to do you any favors. Make offers that are zero-cost or slightly benefit her. I do think repairing your relationship even a little would have a huge payoff that trumps any tackle football benefits.

So, his mom would have to bring him on her days. Or else he won’t be able to play in games... I said that’s ok that mom said no, if you still want to play I can sign you up.

I'm glad you figured out how you could do tackle football even if his mom doesn't bring him on her days. Like I said, as the coach, I could make 50% custody work for soccer and basketball with makeup practices.

\Side note, the only reason I have to get his moms permission is because of the expense. We would split it, if she says no and I decide to put him in the expense is on me. Just wanted to clear that up.

Yeah, I had to eat the cost of most of my kids' activities for the first few years of divorce, because if I didn't, suddenly there would be other concerns. I shifted to a donation model. "I'm signing the kids up for X. It costs $Y. Feel free to donate whatever you feel is fair." Getting 33% of the costs reimbursed still helped. (:

[Ready2Change]

Ex is at it again. .....I told my son, open your eyes your mom doesn’t want you to play because it would be more time with me.

No surprise on her choice.

How many times have you read "Divorce Poison?" I strongly suggest you read it again. There are significantly better ways to help your children deal with unhealthy parenting styles.

[Dawn70]

He said no I don’t want to play now. I said what do you mean? You were begging me to play, now you don’t? He said he is already doing flag. I told my son, open your eyes your mom doesn’t want you to play because it would be more time with me. Why else would it be ok the following year when he is on the school team and I can’t coach. She did the same thing with baseball. He wanted to play and convinced him he didn’t want to. I am most mad because he said he doesn’t want to play now when he was begging me for months. Now he doesn’t want to play because his mom said no. This is just so wrong!!!

You talk an awful lot about parental alienation coming from your XW in your direction, but do you not see that in responding to your son in the way that you did that she could claim the same thing from your direction? It has been said many, many times on this board and in other arenas that I'm sure you heard and that is do NOT put kids in the middle of adult situations. You can't control what your XW does so if she tries to put the kids in the middle, that is on her. But, in this case, you did it. You said it was ok that she said no, that you would go ahead anyway and then went on to tell him to open his eyes and she's doing it to prevent him having more time with you. That puts him right smack in the middle of all the crap.

I have to agree with some of the others. You keep insisting that he will be fine if you coach, but there are NO guarantees when it comes to tackle football. Did your XW say no to keep him from having extra time with you? Possibly. Could she also just be worried about her son's safety? Absolutely.

I can't remember who keeps saying, CW maybe, but you are going to HAVE to get some stuff straight with your XW before you worry about doing things that require the 2 of you to communicate and compromise effectively. This particular instance seems very personal to you because you played football yourself and you want to share that experience with your son and want to coach him. That's great, but as I already said, there are NO guarantees, even with you coaching that he might not be seriously injured. You can't prevent accidents.

You are going to have to learn to pick your battles and figure out if this is the hill you want to die on, so to speak.