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A Message from Michele
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KC, all I know about you is what I read here, and what I read here is a desperate cry for help from a person that is driving at blinding speed down a course of self-destruction while trying to paint it as self-improvement. This man physically and emotionally abused you and even now that he's gone and in another relationship, he still has an extremely strong hold over you that you seem powerless to escape. I'm honestly afraid for you, at best the emotional trauma from this will likely last the rest of your life, at worst your husband's violence or his girlfriend's anger may make that life unnaturally short.

We've said over and over again to seek professional help. And your response is always that you had a bad experience. When I was a kid I had an extremely traumatic experience with a dentist that involved physical and emotional abuse. As horrible as it was, I still needed dental care, and sought it elsewhere and have since had many really good dental experiences. You are dealing with serious emotional issues and there are many great doctors out there that can put you on a path to healing. Don't let a past bad experience stop you from getting the help you so desperately need.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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KC, I do strongly support AnotherStander's message.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Don
Then I see others here nearly just as broken cheering you on.
I'm not sure which of MrBrside, Thornton, Steve, LH, or I that you mean. Possibly me? My journal posts may come across as more vulnerable than I am. I struggle to keep my home and car organized, but I have a teenage daughter who talks to me, I'm a top performer at work, I have a network of friends, I'm enjoying life's adventures, and my health is in solid shape.

I told KitKat getting back together with someone who lies, cheats, and is abusive should be off the table. I want to see her self-esteem rise to the point she never considers that. Therapy would really help.

I also have her back. I've been writing on KitKat's thread for months. She has a sweet side that cares for animals and wants to do right for her son and stepson. I'm not sure if or how we can help her move past this guy, to being happy alone, to a healthy relationship. I'll call out her actions, not the person I want to build up?

Yo CWs for the record he’s definitely talking about you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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I personally find KK’s posts, actions and justifications disrespectful to the many who have spent countless hours of their own time posting here to try and help her.

She may be still legally married to her ex, but he has a new life and another woman.

KK has become that other woman now IMO and is trying to justify her actions..

The sane way the hundreds of other OW / OM tried to justify their actions when they slept with the LBS of this board.. The WW could have said no, not they carried on as well.. how is KK any different..

Just my 2 cents, but her actions are rubbing it in the face of every LBS here.. very disrespectful.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by LH
Yo CWs for the record he’s definitely talking about you.
Figures. Messy sink. Guilty! I feel blessed by my life most days. While I could use your advice re: my date tonight, I anticipate a good weekend and year whether I couple up or remain single.



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Well I for one feel completely thrown under the bus...

Yes, my STBXH has some serious anger issues... many months before dday it was broached that he has PTSD like many combat veterans. His best friend tried having a talk with me but his timing was completely off...

My H has been doing the work... addressing the issues. There was humility when he contacted. He is still wrestling with guilt and shame.

To say I'm disrespectful and rubbing every LBS faces in it.... is completely mean and almost hateful.

I'm a human being. I went through a terrible loss. It's been an interesting journey but I no longer feel lost or broken. I own my choices. I did not come here because I was ashamed of my actions. This is a divorce busting forum and I was sharing my journey. Choose to believe me or not but I am not outcome dependent. The D is actually the best thing financially for me.

I can't be the OW while I'm still legally married... sorry, until the D she is and will remain the OW. AND, I owe her nothing. She's a fly on rotting meat.

I chose to have sex with my H.... in a car... at the side of the road because it was HOT. Sex is what we always got right. It's no different than swiping right on Tinder... well I take that back it is... because after 10yr you know what works and theres no discussing it.

If I never see my H again or if in 2 weeks I've got health insurance and I'm signing the D I have no regrets over the sex.

CW don't accept their disrespect.

I have come here meaning harm to no one. I don't feel that I've ever gone out of my way to say a mean thing to anyone, yet I have been bullied. There is so much negativity on this board in general. It's become clear why it seems to be dying off.

I've always appreciated the veterans here but there needs to be serious change if you feel that attacking members is the way to promote yourselves.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Yo CWs for the record he’s definitely talking about you.
Just about P’d my pants after I read this.

As for your comments and response CW, these are your words verbatim. They are not taken out of context. They were not coerced or forced. This is your response.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I'm glad you had some seriously raunchy sex. No judgment here. Maybe a bit of jealousy, lol!
You’re happy or in your words glad for her. You have no judgement and in fact are jealous of her. Just how else can that be taken?

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I struggle to keep my home and car organized, but I have a teenage daughter who talks to me, I'm a top performer at work, I have a network of friends, I'm enjoying life's adventures, and my health is in solid shape.
This sounds to me like many, many people. It’s sort of a minimum, or a baseline to aspire to - not a pinnacle model for others to aspire to. Most people have some struggles, yours is cleaning. Okay. You have a daughter who talks to you? Well I’d hope all children spoke with their parents. This is an accomplishment? You have friends. That’s good, most people do. You have a job where you do well. Again, I’d hope that’s the case for everyone. You’re in good health, again that’s good. I guess I just fail to see what your point is and just how having a D that talks to you along with friends and a job relates to cheering on and being jealous of very self destructive, quite possibly damaging behavior from someone clearly struggling to do the right thing and badly in need of professional help. It’s our job to hold fellow posters accountable not cheer them on and be jealous of their destructive behaviors. At least that’s the way I see it. Maybe I’m the one not getting it. I just don’t think so.

The behavior being described and exhibited is anything BUT DBing. And I thought it was the principles of DBing that we were all here for, not the principles of Jerry Springer.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Originally Posted by Don
It’s sort of a minimum, or a baseline to aspire to - not a pinnacle model for others to aspire to.
Don, I'm not impressed by your attempts to belittle or bully me. I do not plan to engage or converse with you again. Have a nice day. (:



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So, just for $hits and giggles, let's dissect CW's original post:

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hey KitCat,

I'm glad you had some seriously raunchy sex. No judgment here. Maybe a bit of jealousy, lol!

Originally Posted by KitCat
I didn't want the convo to drag out.
Is this tactical? You care but are cutting conversations short.

My biggest worry is that you still don't want a D. Like you, I don't like to call people names like "dirt bag", but I do recognize he lies, cheats, is abusive, and is manipulative. I worry you still haven't gotten to a place where you want to D him, that you're still open to a relationship with him when you deserve either a life solo or a worthy partner. I also worry some part of you wasn't concerned about meeting him in a deserted place at 4am. I do risky things. I let someone know where I'm going and carry protection.

Imagine you were outside your body, perhaps a sister/hermana/sestra, someone who loves you. What sort of partner do you deserve? Are his actions in-line with that?

To me, the first line reads like an attempt to connect with KC and let her know she's supported. I'm sure that CW (like all of us who read KC's original post) knew she was going to get slammed, hard, for this behavior. And those of us who have followed KC's story know by now that slamming 2x4s hasn't helped her change her unhealthy behaviors in the past. I read this as CW relating and validating her experience such that she didn't shut down and get defensive, and perhaps would be more open to the remainder of what he was trying to say. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is how I interpreted this line of CW's.

I think it is not right then to take that one line out of context. Read the rest:

Originally Posted by CWarrior
My biggest worry is that you still don't want a D. Like you, I don't like to call people names like "dirt bag", but I do recognize he lies, cheats, is abusive, and is manipulative. I worry you still haven't gotten to a place where you want to D him, that you're still open to a relationship with him when you deserve either a life solo or a worthy partner. I also worry some part of you wasn't concerned about meeting him in a deserted place at 4am. I do risky things. I let someone know where I'm going and carry protection.

Imagine you were outside your body, perhaps a sister/hermana/sestra, someone who loves you. What sort of partner do you deserve? Are his actions in-line with that?

Reading this, especially the last piece-- I thought there was a good chance taking this angle could get through to KC. What would someone who loves you say?

CW has consistently shown himself to be a caring, smart, and empathetic person. He looks within and makes changes. He struggles, like all of us, but I would never call him broken or characterize this post as cheering KC on, taken in full context. Just wanted to say this for the record. We're all supposed to be here to help each other.

I had stopped posting on KC's thread because it didn't seem like anything anyone said ever got through. Suggestions are met with excuses why it doesn't work. But reading this I am compelled to echo again what many others have said and please, KitKat, get some professional help. You deserve it. There is nothing wrong with getting professional support. There is no reason that you can't overcome your fears of this just as you've overcome so many other obstacles.

You responded defensively in your last post, but you didn't address AnotherStander. Can you respond to him directly?

HUGS. May


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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Originally Posted by DonH
The behavior being described and exhibited is anything BUT DBing. And I thought it was the principles of DBing that we were all here for, not the principles of Jerry Springer.

Sadly, the principles of DB’ing are becoming harder and harder to see here by the day.

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