Actually asking to him to lunch is something that loses your dignity. You’ve been here a long time and seem to be making zero progress which is a shame.
I don't agree with either statement.
Looking back I gained nothing from lunch... if I had to do that over I would not but I don't think I lost any dignity over it.
Also, I think I've made lots of progress. I have a lot more peace. I carried so much blame in the beginning. I'm not afraid to own my mistakes and if I had a do over would definitely do things differently. But, my H brought his share of sh*t to the meltdown and used me as his justification to do so... that I no longer accept.
I've also done a lot of self work. I'm not afraid to put my feelings and thoughts out there. Its real and its raw. Am I always right - far from it but I'm not afraid to use this as a way to work through what bogs me down. Could I do somethings differently? better? Perhaps. But I will not have my journey shamed...
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Your GAL seems pretty strong so I guess that’s a positive.
That still needs some tweaking but I'm getting it there...
Last edited by job; 05/03/2107:13 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I think you asked him to lunch as a last ditch Hail Mary so to speak. I think you were hoping going to court would wake him up and he wouldn’t want to get divorced and seeing you immediately afterwards might be the push to get him to come back. There’s no other reasonable explanation. You said you don’t wanna be friends, so that’s not the angle. You didn’t need to do any of that to maintain dignity or grace, so it can’t be that either.
I can tell you with 100% certainty I did not expect court to get H to change his mind. This WHOLE court thing P*SSES him off. And, when my H is P*SSED off there is zero chance in expecting him to do anything.
I think I genuinely felt bad about him driving 2 hr to only be told its been postponed was a sh*tty thing to have to deal with.
I have no doubt I have nice girl syndrome...
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My question is solely this....why can’t you be single? You are still trying to get your H to come back while missing the pilot whom you can’t forget months later after a few dates. I think you have codependency issues.
I am single. I told the men I had been dating that I'm taking time to focus on myself and getting this D done. This happened over a month ago. I'm not on any dating sites and haven't been.
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You have justified being abused, justified your behavior with pilot, justified really everything that holds you back, and refuse to get professional help. Do you believe there is a some stigma to it? Like is someone or yourself going to call you crazy?
I was 100% honest in being stuck because I understand what limerance is... Its a complete disconnect between the brain and the heart. Its completely normal... it happens. My logic brain has to keep working with my emotional brain that its not real... its just solely because I can't have it.
Maybe my frankness and honesty may help someone else out who is dealing with the same stuff.
I'm coherent and take it for what it is (or more appropriately what it is not). I wrote it out in my post realizing that it was an issue... and I'm admitting it freely that being stuck was an issue in me that needed to be sorted in me.
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You need professional help. You really do and that’s not a bad thing. I’m so sorry you seem to think it is. Most people don’t have a bad experience and quit all together the way you have therapy. And it’s only hurting you while everyone else is moving on in your life.
Well did you suddenly go to school and get that degree???
I 100% admit I'm terribly stubborn. I had such a severe vaccine reaction that my entire body HURT. I was unable to stand OR walk with an elevated heart rate and blinding headache for over 36hr. I know I should have gone to the ER. I did not... I felt that I had it under control and my respiratory rate was normal. I set goals... If I am not the LEAST bit better by X hours... I will go. I met the goals I set and did not go the ER. In 48hr my life was starting to look like my life again.
I'm doing the work... trust me. Books on this... books on that... books that I have to put down and walk away because digesting the information is painful and I have to do it in small doses... many books on X because I realize I'm not seeing the answer I want to see and that does sadden me but it is what it is.
Healing is not linear. My journey is not your journey. I distinctly recall others telling you not to date... and you coming up with all kinds of reasons why you felt it was fine... so were you single the entire time?
I know where I struggle because I freely put it out there.
The man choked you out, verbally abused you, cheated on you and is basically telling you the OW is better than you and you’re inviting him out to lunch. If you can’t see that you’re losing your dignity I’m not sure what to say anymore?
Again this is DB 101 so you tell me where’s the progress.
The man choked you out, verbally abused you, cheated on you and is basically telling you the OW is better than you and you’re inviting him out to lunch. If you can’t see that you’re losing your dignity I’m not sure what to say anymore?
Again this is DB 101 so you tell me where’s the progress.
I’m sorry!
What you wrote is true.
But, I no longer base my self worth on what he thinks of me.
I've approached my Hs abuse much like a drug or alcohol addiction. He had some very unhealthy coping mechanisms. While I feel that his approach for help is not ideal ((I will not call the kettle black!)) He has shown that he is talking to someone and has a support system.
I have not seen his anger in almost a year.
Maybe lunch was a test on my part? How would he handle a wasted day? He drove over 2hr to cancelled meeting he never wanted to be a part of from the beginning.
1yr ago he would have called me spewing anger and making it my fault.
While he said "well that was pointless" there was no anger and I couldn't even detect frustration and he was clearly exhausted when I saw him... and being tired is a huge trigger for explosive behavior from him.
Quite simply there was none.
He made none of the events about me. Wasn't upset or angry. Wanted to be sure that I got the date and time of the next t court date. The only thing he said was my atty was dumb... but it wasn't hateful and shoot if I drove an hr and it was cancelled i would have been a little pissy for sure. I should have been contacted so I agreed she was dumb.
Sooooo here is what I found hilarious... he never talks about her EVER. Wants me to believe he lives alone and went to HI alone. Ok... whatever. But I have found when he does talk about her he says "his buddy" or his "guy friend"
For example... a year ago he stopped by house when he still tech lived here to pick up tools to help his friend move HIS son out of the dorm. Ok, I know 100% it was OW and her daughter.
The following fall... he is helping his buddy move his kid back into the dorms... 100% OW and her daughter.
Many months ago he stated his friend has HIS kid at school and wanted to park closer to the dorms but that park pass was super expensive so the kid decided to leave the car in the cheaper lot and walk as she needed to lose 40lbs. I know with 100% certainty that the only kid at this college my H knows is OW daughter.
So for over a year he uses the Male pronoun when he does talk about her.
Circle back to lunch. I happen to mention that I was helping S19 do his taxes but the ding dong did some online crap that generated $82 in documented income and then I had to do an entire schedule C for a lousy $82 which as a student with less than 5k income was not even taxed... I basically just let him know how obnoxious it was.
H then asked... oh what does he do online... I said streaming. Couldn't remember the company but its online gaming. So H say wasn't Onlyfans? I was like no... he was like you know what that is right? I said no... he then looked right at me and says he has a buddy that sells his dirty underwear and pictures of his butthole and makes a lot of money. Uhmm... ok... I don't think woman buy dirty mens underwear... maybe??? Its more men buying women's underwear... right??
So he just sat at lunch and told me OW makes her money selling her dirty underwear and posting pictures of her butthole on online.... and if he thinks that she is better than me that's clearly a delusion.
I'm WAY better than her even on my worst day.
I'm not losing sleep over having had lunch with him.
I’m not sure what I just read, but I think you have officially gone of the deep end.
I guess you can file it under "sh*t you can't make up"...
I'm not forgiving my H's abuse. But I see he has taken steps in dealing with his anger. I love my step kids who I have remained in contact with. I've seen my H take some BIG steps in trying to repair his relationship with D19... she is still not ready to have anything to do with him.
Sadly OW's career choice... she has gone from massage therapist to doing weird and gross online sh*t to make $$ and STBXH is okay with it.
I'm not in competition with OW and frankly I never was. I'm only in competition with myself --- focusing on the things I can control and being the best version of myself.
Nope didn’t go to school and get a degree. But I’m very aware of what a healthy minded person is. I know that from going to therapy myself. And you’re ok. It’s not shameful but unfortunately you believe it is. Sorry you got offended, Though that’s par for the course. Books mean absolutely nothing when you are either reading or listening to the wrong ones or flat out letting them go in one ear and out the other.
Fine I’ll bite, what made you decide to ask a cheating wife beating stbxh out for lunch? Just came to mind it would be fun?
KC i really do hope for the best for you, but I am starting to question a lot of what you say.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Well moved my son home from college yesterday. We know how to rock a road trip for sure.
I've muted STBXH texts so my phone doesn't notify me... however, even though they are muted when I am driving somehow that gets bypassed?
My STBXH moved to a town an hour away from me. This state road that we take to get home hits the edge of his town... we are talking the very edge. We only drive through it for about 8minutes. I deliberately never drive into this town even though I have business there.
The longest STBXH has gone without contacting me over the last 15months is 9 days.
Well yesterday was day 9.
Driving home - about 40min away now two texts from STBXH pop up on my car dash. I immediately hit ignore.
Its Friday. He probably is asking if I have heard from my atty... AND I SO DO NOT WANT TO DEAL.
Got my kid home. Unpacked. Then I showered and went out to the bar with the "guy friend" that we've been walking our dogs with about every 2 to 3 weeks. The place was amazing as always. There was supposed to be live music... but none. Then about an hour later after it was supposed to start a couple shows up very rushed to set up. I know this group and they were not the scheduled group. They were a last minute fill in as the other performer did not show. I was actually more stoked for this one. I've seen the woman perform several other times and she is awesome.
So it was a great night. My "date" bailed at 10pm stating it was past his bedtime... but I stayed another hour. Had an amazing time.
So this morning I got up and read and did some chores. Getting ready to head over to the state park for an event. Decided it was time to read the texts and just deal with it.
Hahaha
STBXH - Are you bringing S19 home today? STBXH - Thought I saw you on (state road) 20min ago.
Yup - that was us...
Funny is that anytime I'm on the road and I see motorcycles I always look to see if its him. He has a very distinct Harley. I didn't really notice very many bikes out. So he must have been in his truck? Which again is pretty unique - color is typical but its on a lift kit so it stands out.
Didn't see him.
Told him it I didn't notice him but that was us as the timing was right when we were on the road. Then said S19 is home and sent a pic of the mountain of laundry in the laundry room laughing.
Even though STBXH lives in this town the odds that we would be driving by the outskirts on noon on a Friday and he would see us are freaky low... AND, he felt the need to ask if it was us...
Sometimes the universe is a cruel mistress!!! Keeping my chin up!
