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A Message from Michele
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Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: ovrrnbw] #2918571
05/05/21 08:33 PM
05/05/21 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I will say what works for me in terms of attracting women is knowing how to carry a smile right behind your lips without smiling. Be confident, prepare, speak clearly, stand tall, learn when to be direct and when to be coy. But there is a lot of info out there so go and get it.

In order to do these things you really aught to arrange some GAL around things that will make you better. Achieve something, build something, do something of value.


Sounds like Mr OverTheRainbow did his homework!

The key is enjoying the interaction without expectations. No need to focus on the opposite sex. Just enjoy every interaction with everyone. Make it about them. Be genuinely interested in them. Focus on remembering as many important details as you can. Be in the moment. For example, everytime I get coffee, I focus on catching the new servers name. Any future interactions I address them by their name. I try to get them to laugh.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: mako] #2918814
05/13/21 07:48 PM
05/13/21 07:48 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Mako,

How is the piecing coming?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: mako] #2918827
05/14/21 12:19 PM
05/14/21 12:19 PM
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mako Offline OP
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Nothing exciting going on, things are mostly the same in that department. I am kind of impatient but also realize it took a long time to get here and could take a long time to move out of wherever we are. We are still less than one month from W saying she wanted to work on things after all, and she was in quarantine for a week of that so...yeah it doesn't change overnight.

Now W got sick again, pretty badly. Strange so close to having covid. She was curious so she got tested again and was negative. But she's been mostly staying at home and resting.

I have pretty much turned off all physical affection, figuring as discussed above that she needs to start coming to me. She has not. I still feel we are getting along great, far better than the past few years, but that part isn't there yet.

At some point we are going to need to talk more about this. I am feeling more of a want to start MC than I had before and I have been researching who I want to see. I will bring this up again, like I said "at some point" but I don't know when that will be yet.

We went to W's parents' house for Mother's Day, and that was fine. This was the first I've seen them since they found out we were getting a D. They've always treated me well and this was no different.

I got vaccine #2 this week, so that's good. It put me out of commission for a day though.

GALing is kind of tough with a sick spouse and 3 young kids. I am trying to find the balance there. Work is very flexible so sometimes I get out during the day to do things. I've been volunteering around once every two weeks so that's something. I learned a chess club I want to join is starting up again in person in a couple weeks, so that's nice. If that works out that's another day per week planned to get out of the house. I'm an introvert and don't have a ton of social needs so if I can get out a couple times a week that's sufficient. I'm doing well with working out too, I've lost something like 20-30 pounds and weigh what I did in high school, and am probably stronger than I've been since then too.


Me: 42 W: 40
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 9 and 5, Daughter 4
Bomb 2/21/21
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: mako] #2918828
05/14/21 12:47 PM
05/14/21 12:47 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted by mako
Nothing exciting going on, things are mostly the same in that department. I am kind of impatient but also realize it took a long time to get here and could take a long time to move out of wherever we are.

I bought into this BS type of thinking early on. It all comes down to does she desire to do the work. If she does you will be fine. If she doesn't you will certainly get bombed again. Ill post below what I posted to you awhile back.
Originally Posted by mako
I have pretty much turned off all physical affection, figuring as discussed above that she needs to start coming to me. She has not. I still feel we are getting along great, far better than the past few years, but that part isn't there yet.

Look at the first & second sentence. The third sentence don't me jack $hit.
Originally Posted by mako
At some point we are going to need to talk more about this.

So Mako I told you before I had a year and a half false recon. I too believed in time she would work her way back to me. The problem is she had no incentive to do so because I didn't require things like MC, IC etc. Eventually she found OM2 and the rest is history. I wish I would have had the b@lls to say "you are either all in or your out".

If she's already tried dating sites chances are these are her issues that she doesn't want to address that you may or may not be exacerbating, and she doesn't believe in her heart that she can navigate back to "happy" with you.

If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

So you have to question number 1 because she was going to D you. She didn't really get to find out about number 2. It doesn't look like number 3 is there right now.

I am not saying to give up. What I am saying is don't make the mistakes that myself and countless others have made.


Last edited by LH19; 05/14/21 12:49 PM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: mako] #2918830
05/14/21 01:42 PM
05/14/21 01:42 PM
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mako, thanks for the update. All I can tell you is that to DB you have to have patience. Patience, patience, patience. And when you run out of patience, more patience!

This is why I am such an advocate of an end date. Set it out in the future. "On such and such date if she isn't recommitted fully back to the MR, I will go file." It gives you an end game, something to look forward to. Limbo is one of the worst things a human can go through! No one likes it, not even the WAS. But limbo is also, as Cadet says, the gift of time. So doing things that can help you remain patient can help...like setting a drop-dead date.

I am not a big fan of starting R talks, period. The reason I do not advocate R talks is because when forced to make a decision, a WAS will almost always default to their original announcement that they want a D. Even the ones that were having second thoughts or considering recommitting to the MR. Also, it is nearly impossible for a LBS to start an R talk without expectations. Expectation will kill you. "She has been being nice. We have been getting along. I think I can nudge things along by suggesting MC!" Uh, probably not. As you found with the physical affection, she just isn't there yet.

The next question we always get from LBSs is "When will I know?" The answer always is the same: You will have no doubt. It will be abundantly clear that she is ready to recommit to the marriage. In fact, we also had a saying around here that I haven't seen in a while: When she is ready to recommit to the MR you will know, when she isn't you will be confused. I see a confused Mako in this latest update. So that is your answer.

So my advice? Do not start an R talk. Set a drop-dead date where you will be able to move forward with your life, without her. Make it a date you can live with. If that is a year from BD, so be it. If it is 2, so be it. Whatever you are comfortable with. My only advice is to make it far enough that you can move forward and file for D without regrets, but not so far out that you do not get the benefit of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For example, next week is probably too early. But waiting until D4 is 18 is too far! Be realistic.

In the meantime, just keep doing what you are doing. Once she is well again jump on the GAL like there is no tomorrow. Keep self-improving (including IC!!!). And continue to work on detachment.

Mako, you've got this!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: mako] #2918832
05/14/21 02:05 PM
05/14/21 02:05 PM
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LH19 Offline
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So Steve just to clarify you are advising to go along with no suggestion of IC or MC and then at some point to just drop the D papers on her if nothing has changed?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: LH19] #2918833
05/14/21 02:44 PM
05/14/21 02:44 PM
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Agree with LH.

I had 3 false recons after periods of physical separation, including an out of state move by my ex.

She would come back into my life after months of NC and tell me all the wonderful things she accomplished in therapy, books she read, epiphanies she had etc. I would fall for it, and then not follow up with holding her accountable for not continuing MC or IC.

We would get back together and find our dysfunctional equilibrium after the honeymoon period wore off and she would take off again.

Don't do what I did, and don't be afraid to let her go if she isn't expressing and committing to a continual desire to work on the relationship.

Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: LH19] #2918834
05/14/21 03:04 PM
05/14/21 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
So Steve just to clarify you are advising to go along with no suggestion of IC or MC and then at some point to just drop the D papers on her if nothing has changed?


Action, not words.

(And no, I am not advocating MC UNTIL she makes it clear that she is ready to work on the marriage through action....not words.)


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: SteveLW] #2918836
05/14/21 03:33 PM
05/14/21 03:33 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
(And no, I am not advocating MC UNTIL she makes it clear that she is ready to work on the marriage through action....not words.)

Right! Hence you are either in or your out.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WAW willing to try, for now (#2) [Re: mako] #2918838
05/14/21 05:02 PM
05/14/21 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by mako
GALing is kind of tough with a sick spouse and 3 young kids.
I have not been to MD, but if I was there, I would find a hotel close to the coast, pack up the car and the three kids and go have a great weekend with them. Let sick mom stay home and recover.

Until sick mom misses what she lost, she will not desire you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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