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Drh2001 Offline OP
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Hi all,

I appreciate the advice.

I found a divorce support group held at a local church. There is actually a manual for this called "Divorce Care" It's over 140 pages and contains info on budgeting, depression, anxiety, anger management etc. I came in at the tail end of the course (it's about 12 weeks long) but they start it up again in the fall.

We had a couple of people join over Zoom.

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Drh2001 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Sorry…I’m having an internal reaction to the word “rebellion”. To me, that’s something a teenager does with a parent when they don’t like the rules. Rebellion implies one person is in charge and the other is subservient. That’s not my idea of a good marriage and I would want out if I felt like I had to rebel against my partner. I don’t know you Drh, I only know what I read but your posts come across as controlling. If I were you, I would really do some self reflection to figure out if this is something that contributed to the end of your marriage. Especially if you ever find yourself wanting to get married again.

Also… I don’t think being cordial and friendly with your kids’ other parent is teaching them that adultery and breaking up a family is okay. I have a good co-parenting relationship with my XH and, as KML said, he was one of the worst on here when you take into account the amount of lying and gaslighting he did as well as the emotional pain he put me and our children through for the length of time that he did before he left. I have been very clear with our children about how wrong it is to lie and cheat on a spouse and that I really, really hope that if they get married in the future, they will stay true to their vows but if they ultimately find themselves wanting out, they will leave in a respectful way that honours the love they once shared with that other person. They’ve seen and felt, firsthand, the traumatic consequences when it doesn’t happen that way so I have no doubt they get it. I don’t need to resent their dad and OW for the rest of my life for them to learn this lesson. Hanging onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only hurts you and, by association, your kids. So I agree with your W… you need to move on.

Think about where you want to be three years from now. What do you want your life to look like? What do you want your kids’ lives to look like? When they are going back and forth between homes, how do you want them to feel? When something unexpected happens (an illness, accident, etc..), do you want to be able to turn to your W for help or go it alone? My relationship with XH is such that if something happened suddenly and I needed him to look after our kids for an extended period, he would do it. And I would know they were safe and being treated well which would ultimately allow me to deal with my situation without having to worry about my kids. Now that I’m over most (not all) of the hurt and anger, that is the only thing I care about. Have faith that you will get there too and try to act in a way that will promote this kind of a relationship in the future…even if you don’t feel that right now.

I have the same question as LH. If you’ve blocked your W, how would she get a hold of you in an emergency. I’d rethink that decision if I were you. It doesn’t sound to me like she is spamming your inbox with all kinds of unnecessary texts and you are blocking her because she is harassing you. It sounds like you initiated the argument and then blocked her because you were angry at her response. In that situation, I would have expected her to block you.

I know right about now you may be feeling like we are piling on a bit. Please know that is not our intention. All of us on here completely understand how you are feeling and we’ve felt the same things. We GET IT. But many of us are a few years past all of it and we are advising you based on the knowledge and experience we have gained having gone through it. We are trying to help you get through this stage without doing things that you will fully regret later on when your feelings are less raw. (((HUGS)))


Dejavu,

I picked up the word rebellion from posts others had written. It is not meant to define a teen relationship but rather a wayward spouse who goes against marriage by having an affair.

My marriage felt imbalanced because I took care of everything, so I suppose in that sense you could say I was controlling.

I get what you're saying about having the ex spouse to fall back on and I'm happy for you that you've got to that position - I'm not personally sure I could ever get there.

We have an app called TimeFree that is like a calendar and allows us to leave memos for each other. I have the kids Monday to Friday and she gets them long weekends. She moved out of state with OM and recently works out of state so she's not near the kids to take them to their medical apts. It all falls on me.

The older one doesn't even go round anymore, maybe the odd day here or there but she has a job now and is expected to work weekends.

Thanks for your advice, I will take it to heart.

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Drh2001,

Pulling this over from toughtimes180's thread to respond to you...

Originally Posted by Drh2001
A friend of hers encouraged her to ask me for an open marriage. I said no. But this friend was also cheating on her husband with a married man of four kids.

She divorced her husband, sold the home to buy him out and moved elsewhere. It was her who told my then wife "it's not cheating if you tell him you're separated."

Last year, my ex wife invited her to my daughter's sweet 16 and lo and behold, she turned up with her exhusband who is now back with her.

My relative told me that my ex WW is now the only member of the "leave your husband behind club."
It must be frustrating to see that woman wanting to reconcile with her husband when yours did not (or at least hasn't try to yet). I know sometimes I encounter situations with the couple still together having gone through (at least from my perspective) much rougher, more difficult relationships than mine. I think we had such a decent (ideal to some) situation, so what was so bad? Or, I'm at S7's art show at school and the four of us are walking the halls together to see his art and socialize with others, and I'm sure folks who don't know us/our situation see a perfectly a perfectly normal family, and it makes me think what was so bad we shouldn't be?

To me it enforces the idea that it's more about my ExW's journey than my bad actions (and I suspect this reflects your situation as well). Sure I've reflected on things I could've done better, and vacillate a bit, but overall I think our Exs were dealing with issues bigger than us.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Drh2001
Last year, my ex wife invited her to my daughter's sweet 16 and lo and behold, she turned up with her exhusband who is now back with her.
If he took her back to easy you can bet that is more than likely going to happen again.
I tend to think LH19 is right. How many sitches here have we encountered with a false R. Hope those do the hard work and two deal with their issues.

Hang in there, Drh2001. Wishing the best for you and your teenaged daughters.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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DnJ Online
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Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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