Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I don’t see where she controlled you by telling you who you can and cannot talk to. She told you how she felt about you talking to the cousin, but I didn’t see where she said not to?

You are spewing resentment all over her. I did that for a little while myself in the beginning. You know where that got me? Absolutely no where except swimming in my own pain and resentment. And that leaks on over to the kids and doesn’t allow for coparenting or effective parallel parenting. When I stopped, it was me who felt much better. I wasn’t punishing my ex. He didn’t care one way or another. I was punishing myself and my daughter.

I learned it doesn’t matter who’s “fault” it was or “who started it” just ask yourself what’s best for your kids. Calm peaceful communication regarding the children? Focus on that as your goal.

Are you in IC?

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I don’t see where she controlled you by telling you who you can and cannot talk to. She told you how she felt about you talking to the cousin, but I didn’t see where she said not to?

And actually she didn't even say it to drh until their daughter said she didn't like it and he called her about it.

Drh, in the future I'd ignore these kinds of things. Personally, I'd talk to whomever I wanted and wouldn't care if she liked it or not. Why you felt the need to confront her over it is puzzling. Ginger I think makes a good point. You need to work through your resentment, and the best way to do that is through IC.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
I echo what others have said. I think you are still too deep into your anger and resentment and it’s affecting your judgment and your end goal here which, at the moment, seems to be punishing your W. Look… I get it… my XH lied to me for years, had more than one affair, moved out when I found out about his activities and got engaged (now married) to the last one before the ink was even dry on our separation agreement. I have plenty to resent him for and feel righteous about (interesting word I never use). But the thing is Dr… that does nothing to change the situation…it only hurts me and ultimately hurts my kids for me to hang onto resentments. I’d be lying if I told you I don’t still have my bouts of anger on occasion but when that happens, I process it by coming on here and writing about it. I don’t say anything to my kids and I don’t call up XH or start sending him angry texts or emails. All that would do is continue the conflict and ultimately hurt my kids and they’ve been hurt enough already. I keep my interactions with him and OW (his wife now) very cordial and pleasant and when I do, I feel like a better parent. Yes, I could be a total b*tch to them and some would say, justifiably so, but that’s not the person I want to be and that is not the person I want my kids to have as a role model. They are watching you Dr… what are you teaching them? You may not like what your W did, that’s understandable, but she is still their mother and children need to have a positive relationship with BOTH of their parents. If your W blows that on her own, that’s one thing, but if your anger with her is putting them in the middle and making them feel like they can’t love her or spend time with her without betraying you, that is extremely unhealthy for them. Do not put them in that position.

Also…in the future… I would refrain from confronting your W about information you hear from your kids. My kids have said things to me that have triggered me for sure. When that occurs, I deal with my feelings quietly and I get on with my day. I want them to feel like they can say anything to me without having to worry that I’m going to get angry at their dad. That wouldn’t change anything with respect to XH but it would definitely harm my relationship with my kids and erode their trust in me. That is the last thing I would want.

Know this Dr…there will come a time when your hurt and anger will not be so present in your life. If you follow the advice on here and successfully navigate your grief, you may even find yourself happier than you were before this all happened. When you finally get to that place and you look back on how you handled everything, what do you want to see? What do you want your kids to be able to say about it when they are adults and think back to this time in their life? Do you want them to remember an angry, resentful guy who took every opportunity he could to punish their mom (that’s what you sound like here) or do you want them to remember a guy they had a lot of fun with who rose above the situation and did his best to protect them from all of that? If I were you, whenever you find yourself reacting and feeling those resentful feelings, I would ask myself that question before I did anything else. Choose better not bitter Dr.

1 member likes this: SteveLW
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
Thank you for the advice everyone, it is appreciated.

I've blocked her number so this will reduce any temptation on my part to contact her. I really don't talk to her either way to be honest, even by email.

She announced she was moving my kids to another state last year with OM without asking me or the court for consent to do this. She'll stop by and pick my kids up without telling me when I have them during the week.

This is what I am dealing with, so you can imagine my unhappiness with her for disrespecting every agreement we have.

Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
I should add that I have never contacted OM, nor seen him, nor intend to do so.

Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Know this Dr…there will come a time when your hurt and anger will not be so present in your life. If you follow the advice on here and successfully navigate your grief, you may even find yourself happier than you were before this all happened. When you finally get to that place and you look back on how you handled everything, what do you want to see? What do you want your kids to be able to say about it when they are adults and think back to this time in their life? Do you want them to remember an angry, resentful guy who took every opportunity he could to punish their mom (that’s what you sound like here) or do you want them to remember a guy they had a lot of fun with who rose above the situation and did his best to protect them from all of that? If I were you, whenever you find yourself reacting and feeling those resentful feelings, I would ask myself that question before I did anything else. Choose better not bitter Dr.


I like this quote. I am pretty much over her, it's just random situations that come up when I least expect them to. You make valid points and yes, I need to mindful by how the kids see me.

As for punishing the mother, I don't really think of it like that. I don't communicate with her at all, except for that one occasion last week. We use a shared calendar app to reserve our custody days and apart from an app for sending child support there is no other communication and that's just how I like it.

I told exWW that we could never be friends after what she did and I have stuck to this. During the early days after she moved out, she would break the custody agreement and pick the kids up on days and times that weren't hers. She would lie to my kids and tell them she was separated when she was living with me and the kids all the time she was conducting an affair. She left the marital home and moved immediately to OM's home, while telling me, "anyone would think I left you for OM." There was a lot of projection and gaslighting from her to me. This is why going dark is necessary. You cannot control a wayward mind nor should you attempt to. They are, as Sandy put it, "in complete rebellion."

Last edited by Drh2001; 03/11/22 03:00 PM.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Drh, I am a big proponent of making it clear to the WAS/WS that we aren't going to be buddies post D. My W said to me early on after BD "I hope we can still be friends." I told her, "I have lots of friends, I don't need anymore. That ain't happening."

Now, that doesn't mean you cannot be friendly in coparenting so please do not take it to mean that. I think you will find less stress in your life taking the high road as often as you can. That is why I seconded the suggestion to get into IC to process through your anger and resentment. So you can remain friendly and realize a lot of this stuff doesn't matter. That is why I said "who cares if she likes it or not that you talk to her cousin?" Seriously, you shouldn't care. But hearing that from your daughter seemed to set you off. There are going to be things you do she doesn't like. Things you do she doesn't like. You can't worry about it.

IC is hugely important and I highly suggest it. You've been through the ringer and you need someone to help guide you through the rest of the storm.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Drh2001
[quote=Drh2001] She told me she will "unblock my number" so for a short time we texted about the kids. One morning I was driving my kid to school and she said "Mommy doesn't like it when you talk to her cousin."
So she has you blocked and you have her blocked. Shouldn't be much communication.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I did text exWW to tell her that my keeping in touch with this person has nothing to do with her and wasn't done to spite her or cause problems.
So as others have said, no need for this text.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She wrote back and had the nerve to tell me that it hurts her when I talk to her cousin and crosses a boundary.
Si how about practicing validation here? "I understand why you feel this way."
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I told her not to talk about herself and boundaries in the same sentence and reminded her that she destroyed my relationship with her sister and another friend of the family.
So this is you trying to control her.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She responded that I had lost the respect of her sister and another friend even though they were the ones who aided and abetted her adultery and told her to cover her tracks, delete her emails etc.
Why are you mad about the destroyed relationship with her sister when she helped her leave you?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
There was nothing abusive or rude about the texts I send her. Her last text to me was "Good bye"
Well trying to control someone is abusive and I can understand why she said good bye.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I told her I would block her again and did. I also blocked her email. The only contact we have is through Google calendar which is solely used for the kids.
So if there is an emergency with the kids how can she get a hold of you?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
Why should I have to lose my existing good relationships with ppl because exWW dug a hole for herself?
Well you don't necessarily have to but some relationships are lost during divorce. Unfortunately it is part of the process.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
On rare occasions, if I'm in the neighborhood, I'll stop by with the kids so they can still have that contact with family. Obviously I told the cousin that I could no longer attend family events since I am divorced but I'm ok with stopping by to check in on her. Why should the kids be deprived of family?
I see nothing wrong with this and you should continue if you like.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
exWW has not changed her attitude one bit. She is still wayward in every sense. She resents me because I refuse to speak with her and says "you can't make me disappear". She doe not want to accept that things have changed due to her actions. She wants everything to continue as it once was with no consequences of any kind. The fallout from her actions has affected the family and extended family.
Well you know from Sandi's thread they do tend to live in fantasy land.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I wrote exWW a final email telling her that if you can't take ownership, accountability and responsibility for what you have done, then I want nothing more to do with you and please don't ever contact me again.
What does taking ownership, accountability and responsibility for what you have done look like? An apology? A gift card? I am curious.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I recently read something interesting, that if you start acting friendly and chummy with a wayward, it teaches kids that it's okay for a parent to commit adultery, break up a family because in the end, everyone will be friends again.
I think there is some validity to this article. Lots of open ground to being cordial on kid related items and being BFFs.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
If I were to go this route I would be disrespecting myself and next thing I would be chummy with OM.
Again lots of open ground up to BFFs with OM.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
Associating with an exWW would be akin to swimming in a pool and expecting to get out without smelling of chlorine.
huh?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
Sandy was correct when she mentioned waywardness is like a disease that affects everyone around a WW and I don't want to disrespect myself by associating with her.
Are you afraid you will catch it?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
On a reddit threat it spoke about no contact having an effect - first there is loss of the BS, followed by "loss consciousness" which is awareness the BS has disappeared. Then comes "fault consciousness" which is when the wayward realized that mistakes have been made and a line has been crossed.
Just so you know most don't ever realize/think they did anything wrong.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
Without "loss and fault consciousness" a wayward will never become fully aware of what they have done and the effects it has had.
I would not hold your breath DRH.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I'm not doing this to get her back because I don't think I would ever want her back even if she did have a change of heart, but neither will I just accept her decisions and her bad behavior because she still has that very resentful, disrespectful and rebellious attitude towards me.
Hmmm. You are not sure so best not to burn a bridge.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She keeps saying what she has done is in the past and I should just move on and let it be but I told her I am living in the present with the consequences of what she has done in the past and they will reverberate into the future.
She's right you should move on. Can't change the past.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
So I maintain no contact with exWW and that's just how I like it. I am slowly rebuilding my life and starting to get back into shape. It's a long process though.
It is a long process so keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I told exWW that we could never be friends after what she did and I have stuck to this.
I understand your decision, I just think you should tweak some things.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
During the early days after she moved out, she would break the custody agreement and pick the kids up on days and times that weren't hers.

Why did you not contact your lawyer?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She would lie to my kids and tell them she was separated when she was living with me and the kids all the time she was conducting an affair.
Yeah WWs are pretty $hitty people.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She left the marital home and moved immediately to OM's home, while telling me, "anyone would think I left you for OM."
huh?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
There was a lot of projection and gaslighting from her to me.
Most certainly but I bet it went both ways.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
This is why going dark is necessary. You cannot control a wayward mind nor should you attempt to. They are, as Sandy put it, "in complete rebellion."
Well dark with contact regarding kids.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Sorry…I’m having an internal reaction to the word “rebellion”. To me, that’s something a teenager does with a parent when they don’t like the rules. Rebellion implies one person is in charge and the other is subservient. That’s not my idea of a good marriage and I would want out if I felt like I had to rebel against my partner. I don’t know you Drh, I only know what I read but your posts come across as controlling. If I were you, I would really do some self reflection to figure out if this is something that contributed to the end of your marriage. Especially if you ever find yourself wanting to get married again.

Also… I don’t think being cordial and friendly with your kids’ other parent is teaching them that adultery and breaking up a family is okay. I have a good co-parenting relationship with my XH and, as KML said, he was one of the worst on here when you take into account the amount of lying and gaslighting he did as well as the emotional pain he put me and our children through for the length of time that he did before he left. I have been very clear with our children about how wrong it is to lie and cheat on a spouse and that I really, really hope that if they get married in the future, they will stay true to their vows but if they ultimately find themselves wanting out, they will leave in a respectful way that honours the love they once shared with that other person. They’ve seen and felt, firsthand, the traumatic consequences when it doesn’t happen that way so I have no doubt they get it. I don’t need to resent their dad and OW for the rest of my life for them to learn this lesson. Hanging onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It only hurts you and, by association, your kids. So I agree with your W… you need to move on.

Think about where you want to be three years from now. What do you want your life to look like? What do you want your kids’ lives to look like? When they are going back and forth between homes, how do you want them to feel? When something unexpected happens (an illness, accident, etc..), do you want to be able to turn to your W for help or go it alone? My relationship with XH is such that if something happened suddenly and I needed him to look after our kids for an extended period, he would do it. And I would know they were safe and being treated well which would ultimately allow me to deal with my situation without having to worry about my kids. Now that I’m over most (not all) of the hurt and anger, that is the only thing I care about. Have faith that you will get there too and try to act in a way that will promote this kind of a relationship in the future…even if you don’t feel that right now.

I have the same question as LH. If you’ve blocked your W, how would she get a hold of you in an emergency. I’d rethink that decision if I were you. It doesn’t sound to me like she is spamming your inbox with all kinds of unnecessary texts and you are blocking her because she is harassing you. It sounds like you initiated the argument and then blocked her because you were angry at her response. In that situation, I would have expected her to block you.

I know right about now you may be feeling like we are piling on a bit. Please know that is not our intention. All of us on here completely understand how you are feeling and we’ve felt the same things. We GET IT. But many of us are a few years past all of it and we are advising you based on the knowledge and experience we have gained having gone through it. We are trying to help you get through this stage without doing things that you will fully regret later on when your feelings are less raw. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
DRH in summary there is a middle ground between being one big happy family and blocking them on every form of contact.

Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard