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Ok. The evil side of me would have made her sweat. "Let me think about it and discuss with my lawyer." I think the alternative would have been the children live with you?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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That has crossed my mind.

She said if I chose to make it difficult it would affect the kids because they wouldn't be allowed to go with her if I filed a motion with my attorney. This would affect my youngest as she is close to her mother. And it could affect the divorce process. I'm between a rock and a hard place really.

I count myself fortunate to have 50/50 - it's even a bit more than that given I have them during the school week.

Once they go back to school full time, in person, this September, and make friends, join clubs, get jobs etc, they are naturally going to become more independent - which means less parent time and in her case, living in Penn State, means she'll see them less and less. What can she offer them other than her company? Everything they have is where I live, their friends, school, job, their real home.

Having said that I overheard my youngest telling her on the phone "but it's so far away" referring to the new house that OM bought and WW is trying to convince her it's just across the bridge.

Last edited by Drh2001; 06/03/21 09:21 PM.
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Drh2001,

Originally Posted by Drh2001
Yes She has never apologized for anything that she put me and the kids through. There has been absolutely no remorse of any kind. No regrets. Nothing. Zilch.

Yep. Same here. Best I got so far was a stoic unemotional "I shouldn't have done that" in regards to the affair. What remorse...

Originally Posted by Drh2001
OM is divorced with three kids. He knew my WW was still living at home with her husband and kids but dated her anyway.

Classy. Great foundation for a relationship - I'm sure they're destined to be soulmates.

Originally Posted by Drh2001
I gave consent. WW and OM already bought the house (though I don't know if she is on the title). There's not much I can do except delay the inevitable at great expense. Plus we have an uncontested divorce working its way through the system so I don't want to do anything to aggravate that.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Ok. The evil side of me would have made her sweat. "Let me think about it and discuss with my lawyer." I think the alternative would have been the children live with you?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
That has crossed my mind.

She said if I chose to make it difficult it would affect the kids because they wouldn't be allowed to go with her if I filed a motion with my attorney. This would affect my youngest as she is close to her mother. And it could affect the divorce process. I'm between a rock and a hard place really.

I count myself fortunate to have 50/50 - it's even a bit more than that given I have them during the school week.

Once they go back to school full time, in person, this September, and make friends, join clubs, get jobs etc, they are naturally going to become more independent - which means less parent time and in her case, living in Penn State, means she'll see them less and less. What can she offer them other than her company? Everything they have is where I live, their friends, school, job, their real home.

Having said that I overheard my youngest telling her on the phone "but it's so far away" referring to the new house that OM bought and WW is trying to convince her it's just across the bridge.

I'd have been tempted to let her sweat it out as well. Though, though would be from a revenge perspective, which probably isn't the best reason.

However, from the kids perspective...is it really in their best interest to have to live 30 minutes away and out of state every weekend? I get their school is virtual now, but it likely won't be next year. I'm not saying you should fight for 100% custody - they should be able to see their mom - but would it make sense to not just give in to 50/50 and fight for a majority of time? I'm no a lawyer, but if I were you I'd certainly discuss that possibly with your lawyer. I would think her moving out of state (let alone out of school district) would greatly bias the courts in your favor in terms of custody. Your kids are older and have established schools, friends, activities...etc. which will be interfered with by living in another state part-time. If she's willing to move away and out-of-state (let alone the district) for her own selfish reasons without regard to her kids interests, that should be a strong factor in the custody decision, right?

Besides the kids' best interest this arrangement would likely factor into child support, no? In my state 50/50 means the more monied spouse pays child support regardless, whereas anything more I wouldn't be paying. It could be a big financial consideration for you.

Finally, have you thought out the long-term impacts of your schedule (you having them during the weeks and your STBX having them every weekend)? Not having the kids any weekend will make it difficult to do fun outings and vacations, wouldn't it? Seems like all the school work and logistics are on you, but none of the free time.


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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I got divorced this week over Zoom while I was staying with my family on the West Coast. I didn't get anything in the mail - my lawyer called me on Sunday and sent me the zoom links to the court the next day. Had to borrow a suit. Unfortunately, my camera didn't work on my laptop but they were ok with audio only.

WW was there too, all teary eyed. This month would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

It was an uncontested divorce. I bought her share of the house out and have the kids during the school week.

I don't think I could ever take her back to be honest if somewhere down the road she wanted to come back. Too much damage has been done and some of my relationships with her friends and family have been destroyed because of her actions.

So, it's over - but my 180s are not.

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Originally Posted by BL42
Drh2001,

Originally Posted by Drh2001
Yes She has never apologized for anything that she put me and the kids through. There has been absolutely no remorse of any kind. No regrets. Nothing. Zilch.
Yep. Same here. Best I got so far was a stoic unemotional "I shouldn't have done that" in regards to the affair. What remorse...

Originally Posted by Drh2001
OM is divorced with three kids. He knew my WW was still living at home with her husband and kids but dated her anyway.
Classy. Great foundation for a relationship - I'm sure they're destined to be soulmates.

Originally Posted by Drh2001
I gave consent. WW and OM already bought the house (though I don't know if she is on the title). There's not much I can do except delay the inevitable at great expense. Plus we have an uncontested divorce working its way through the system so I don't want to do anything to aggravate that.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Ok. The evil side of me would have made her sweat. "Let me think about it and discuss with my lawyer." I think the alternative would have been the children live with you?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
That has crossed my mind.

She said if I chose to make it difficult it would affect the kids because they wouldn't be allowed to go with her if I filed a motion with my attorney. This would affect my youngest as she is close to her mother. And it could affect the divorce process. I'm between a rock and a hard place really.

I count myself fortunate to have 50/50 - it's even a bit more than that given I have them during the school week.

Once they go back to school full time, in person, this September, and make friends, join clubs, get jobs etc, they are naturally going to become more independent - which means less parent time and in her case, living in Penn State, means she'll see them less and less. What can she offer them other than her company? Everything they have is where I live, their friends, school, job, their real home.

Having said that I overheard my youngest telling her on the phone "but it's so far away" referring to the new house that OM bought and WW is trying to convince her it's just across the bridge.
I'd have been tempted to let her sweat it out as well. Though, though would be from a revenge perspective, which probably isn't the best reason.

However, from the kids perspective...is it really in their best interest to have to live 30 minutes away and out of state every weekend? I get their school is virtual now, but it likely won't be next year. I'm not saying you should fight for 100% custody - they should be able to see their mom - but would it make sense to not just give in to 50/50 and fight for a majority of time? I'm no a lawyer, but if I were you I'd certainly discuss that possibly with your lawyer. I would think her moving out of state (let alone out of school district) would greatly bias the courts in your favor in terms of custody. Your kids are older and have established schools, friends, activities...etc. which will be interfered with by living in another state part-time. If she's willing to move away and out-of-state (let alone the district) for her own selfish reasons without regard to her kids interests, that should be a strong factor in the custody decision, right?

Besides the kids' best interest this arrangement would likely factor into child support, no? In my state 50/50 means the more monied spouse pays child support regardless, whereas anything more I wouldn't be paying. It could be a big financial consideration for you.

Finally, have you thought out the long-term impacts of your schedule (you having them during the weeks and your STBX having them every weekend)? Not having the kids any weekend will make it difficult to do fun outings and vacations, wouldn't it? Seems like all the school work and logistics are on you, but none of the free time.


BL42,


Thanks for the advice.

School is in person next month so I'll have them during the school week which is slighlly more than 50%.

Because we did mediation there is no formal child support order as we agreed to share the child expenses and it's been working out well that way.

I get what you're saying about free time and you're absolutely right. drh needs free time too. I shall have to think about this.

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Drh2001,

How are you feeling about the Divorce? For me, even though it was a year and a half since BD and a year since separation and I had been feeling stronger it was emotional. Glad the process was over, but still a sad day. 20 years is a long time. Unfortunate our Exs wouldn't work on the marriages instead of running off to find "happiness" and a quick fix.

Glad you got the house and have the kids most of the time. I'm still concerned for you (or maybe more your kids) about the arrangement between school weeks / weekends with your ExW moving across state lines out of state / a decent distance away (30-40mins?). What happens when they have a game or friend's birthday on the weekend? Will their mother drive them back into town for those types of events? What about your down time / fun time with the kids? Make sure to keep an eye on those things. The situation does seems to be to "your advantage" over your Exs at least. Unfortunately the kids are negatively impacted by their mother's decisions. It's good you're bringing stability to the their lives. Keep being the rock and the best dad you can be.

You mentioned on IronWill's thread your Ex only has a high school diploma yet works full-time and makes "decent" money. Do you make a good bit more? If so, it seems like no child support is a BIG win for you financially. I can related to my Ex blowing through her money! She's racked up tens of thousands of dollars in surgery, new A/C, new windows, credit card, new minivan, and now a new house. I'm funding some of it through child support payments but wonder where's she's getting the rest. Maybe her mom / step dad are funding her life now like they always have done for her brother or maybe she's digging a hole that will bite her in the future. It's amazing I'm able to save as much as before even with essentially paying the equivalent of her mortgage and car payments. It's not always "cheaper to keep her" lol

Anyway, hope you're getting through the D finalization alright. Hang in there...your life is going to be great!


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by Drh2001
I got divorced this week over Zoom while I was staying with my family on the West Coast. I didn't get anything in the mail - my lawyer called me on Sunday and sent me the zoom links to the court the next day. Had to borrow a suit. Unfortunately, my camera didn't work on my laptop but they were ok with audio only.

WW was there too, all teary eyed. This month would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

It was an uncontested divorce. I bought her share of the house out and have the kids during the school week.

I don't think I could ever take her back to be honest if somewhere down the road she wanted to come back. Too much damage has been done and some of my relationships with her friends and family have been destroyed because of her actions.

So, it's over - but my 180s are not.

drh, hang in there. Praying for you brother! Onward and upward.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Originally Posted by Drh2001
This month would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

It was an uncontested divorce. I bought her share of the house out and have the kids during the school week.

I don't think I could ever take her back to be honest if somewhere down the road she wanted to come back. Too much damage has been done and some of my relationships with her friends and family have been destroyed because of her actions.

So, it's over - but my 180s are not.

Drh, congrats, I know it's not what you really wanted but it's a huge weight off your shoulders and it's onward and upward from here! Your situation mirrors mine, my XW left just before our 20th anniversary. The divorce was uncontested. Our house had been paid for but I had to mortgage it to buy her out. We shared custody 50-50 (every other week in our case) and no child support or alimony. I'm now 10 years down the road and it all worked out quite well, so I think you've paved the way for peaceful co-parenting and coexistence. I did not feel sorrow after the divorce was final, just relief. I thought I might fall back into depression but instead it was turning the page to a new chapter in my life, one that has been quite different than before but filled with fun and excitement. I think you have a lot to look forward to smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by BL42
Drh2001,

How are you feeling about the Divorce? For me, even though it was a year and a half since BD and a year since separation and I had been feeling stronger it was emotional. Glad the process was over, but still a sad day. 20 years is a long time. Unfortunate our Exs wouldn't work on the marriages instead of running off to find "happiness" and a quick fix.

Glad you got the house and have the kids most of the time. I'm still concerned for you (or maybe more your kids) about the arrangement between school weeks / weekends with your ExW moving across state lines out of state / a decent distance away (30-40mins?). What happens when they have a game or friend's birthday on the weekend? Will their mother drive them back into town for those types of events? What about your down time / fun time with the kids? Make sure to keep an eye on those things. The situation does seems to be to "your advantage" over your Exs at least. Unfortunately the kids are negatively impacted by their mother's decisions. It's good you're bringing stability to the their lives. Keep being the rock and the best dad you can be.

You mentioned on IronWill's thread your Ex only has a high school diploma yet works full-time and makes "decent" money. Do you make a good bit more? If so, it seems like no child support is a BIG win for you financially. I can related to my Ex blowing through her money! She's racked up tens of thousands of dollars in surgery, new A/C, new windows, credit card, new minivan, and now a new house. I'm funding some of it through child support payments but wonder where's she's getting the rest. Maybe her mom / step dad are funding her life now like they always have done for her brother or maybe she's digging a hole that will bite her in the future. It's amazing I'm able to save as much as before even with essentially paying the equivalent of her mortgage and car payments. It's not always "cheaper to keep her" lol

Anyway, hope you're getting through the D finalization alright. Hang in there...your life is going to be great!



BL42,

I'm relieved that's it's over. I got my D papers last week. It would have been our 20th that month but it's done.

I think she is starting to realize what she's lost. Now that my kids are back in school and not remote, she doesn't get my youngest daughter midweek. She just gets long weekends with them and my eldest daughter barely goes round there anyway.

If my eldest child has other aarrangements she simply doesn't go. She has a bf too, who lives fairly local, so that keeps her busy.

Fortunately WW does accommodate the odd weekend for me so I can take the girls out.

Regarding finances, I make about 40% more but I have the bulk of the child care expenses since they live with me during the school week and I also put by savings for them and their college funds.

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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I got divorced this week over Zoom while I was staying with my family on the West Coast. I didn't get anything in the mail - my lawyer called me on Sunday and sent me the zoom links to the court the next day. Had to borrow a suit. Unfortunately, my camera didn't work on my laptop but they were ok with audio only.

WW was there too, all teary eyed. This month would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

It was an uncontested divorce. I bought her share of the house out and have the kids during the school week.

I don't think I could ever take her back to be honest if somewhere down the road she wanted to come back. Too much damage has been done and some of my relationships with her friends and family have been destroyed because of her actions.

So, it's over - but my 180s are not.

drh, hang in there. Praying for you brother! Onward and upward.



Thank you SteveLW!!!


something interesting to relate. My eldest daughter had her SW16 celebration and unfortunately I had to see the former friend of the family who encouraged my WW to cheat on me.

She cheated on her husband and slept around and they recently got divorced, however they are on good terms and came to the celebration together.

WW told me that they're back together - after getting divorced. They also have a son.

When I told my relative that they said "look's like she's the only member of the 'leave your husband behind club. Must have been a slap in the face for her.'

This woman was giving my WW hints and tips about how to hide her cheating.


Also, last week was the kid's first day back at school. WW drove from PA to my house, parked in the driveway, got out and took pictures of them in their new back to school outfits. They stood outside the front door. This is something she always did each first day back at school. She never said a word to me, then got back in her car and drove off. Someone told me she posted the pics on FB which would have been weird because it would show the front door of a house she no longer lives in.

Odd.

Last edited by Drh2001; 09/12/21 08:24 PM.
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