A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" #2918125
04/23/21 09:29 PM
04/23/21 09:29 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 160
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
Drh2001  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 160
edited to add, I forgot the Title should have Part 4 in it. Can someone fix this?

Link to Part 3 https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63182&Number=2914996#Post2914996


Last year when WW was in an in-house separation with me (she is now living with OM) one of the things I would hear her say was "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" whenever I told her what she was doing was wrong.

I learned the hard way that you cannot reason with a WW. Even throwing truth darts doesn't penetrate their mental armor of self-justification. It just makes them more angry.

Now that she's gone and I have time to think (and yes I do GAL and other things as well), I am trying to fathom out how a wife and mother who had good morals can suddenly go wayward with no time in-between the transition. While the resentfulness had been brewing for a long time, the transition seemed to happen instantly - as if she got a software downgrade overnight.

Sandi mentioned that a WW's morals vanish and for how nobody knows. My WW has thrown everything away including moving to her dream house in her dream town. She now lives outside the school district. It's like everything that used to be important to her is no longer relevant.

I get the kids all school week and she has long weekends, and is more or less a nanny to OM's kids.

I think there is some guilt there deep down because someone told me she hasn't posted any pictures of herself and OM. I blocked her on social media ages ago. For some odd reason, she still has our wedding photos on her FB account.

How long is a WW able to live this delusional fantasy without feeling anything?

Last edited by Drh2001; 04/23/21 09:35 PM.
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Drh2001] #2918126
04/23/21 09:39 PM
04/23/21 09:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,539
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,539
It seemed instantly to you but she likely check out a long time ago. Not worth your time to mind read about her FB account or what she’s feeling. It will likely be a really long time if ever that she feels remorse if ever.

Move on with your life.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: LH19] #2918128
04/23/21 09:43 PM
04/23/21 09:43 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 160
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
Drh2001  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by LH19
It seemed instantly to you but she likely check out a long time ago. Not worth your time to mind read about her FB account or what she’s feeling. It will likely be a really long time if ever that she feels remorse if ever.

Move on with your life.



She did check out a long time ago. I've only just started to have time to really think because my mind has been a bit of a blur lately. I blocked her on everything but occasionally ppl tell me what she's doing or posting. Last week she posted something to the effect that I was "a controlling ex" and we don't even talk. I've stopped caring to be honest.

Last edited by Drh2001; 04/23/21 09:44 PM.
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Drh2001] #2918129
04/23/21 09:46 PM
04/23/21 09:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 160
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
Drh2001  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 160
I've been getting a lot of strange dreams over the last few weeks of me and WW. Sometimes we're in our old apartment. In every dream we're separated. I think my subconscious mind is trying to make sense of it all. On the rare times I do see her in person, like when she drops off or picks up the kids, I can feel the hostility towards me.

Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Drh2001] #2918131
04/23/21 10:04 PM
04/23/21 10:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,539
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,539
You are never going to be able to make sense of it all. Don’t not waste another minute trying. Decide how you want to live the rest of your life.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Drh2001] #2918169
04/25/21 02:24 PM
04/25/21 02:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 352
C
Core Offline
Member
Core  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 352
You're searching for answers. Consciously and subconsciously. Your body and brain don't want to go through such an ordeal again. What went wrong? Can I avoid this in the future? Was it something I did? Where was I in the wrong? Can I make peace with anything on my end? All questions that may be percolating.

LH has some of the best advice. Moving on is best. If you cant, maybe there is something you should dwell on for a short time, just dont get stuck on it. Facing what we may have contributed is the hardest part and maybe you need peace there. If you want to know what happened to her....well...why? If you knew what caused her change, then what? Why do you have to know the cause? Likely if your similar to me, it could be because you want your conscience clean. If you did contribute, face it head on and get through it. You've been through worse now so that piece would be easy if thats your case.

You'll find peace in time.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Core] #2918175
04/25/21 03:02 PM
04/25/21 03:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,928
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,928
Southern Maryland
I have attempted to add Part 4 to your title, but your title is too long and it will not allow me to add "Part 4". If you want to change the title to something that isn't so long, I'll be happy to come back around and edit the title and add the "Part 4" for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Drh2001] #2918176
04/25/21 03:37 PM
04/25/21 03:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
C
CWarrior Online
Member
CWarrior  Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I am trying to fathom out how a wife and mother who had good morals can suddenly go wayward with no time in-between the transition. While the resentfulness had been brewing for a long time, the transition seemed to happen instantly

The term for this is a tipping point. "[A] tipping point is that moment when a small change tips the balance of a system and brings about a large change;" Her values weren't leading her to happiness--you say there was a long period where resentment grew, and small changes might have delayed or avoided a tip, but once the boat flips it's hard to right. Humans generally don't want to remain unhappy.

When I was a WAH, after leaving my ex-wife, I questioned every value I'd been following, because they led me where I was. In my pursuit of happiness, I adopted a more minimal code of ethics--experimentation, metamorphosis to find self-fulfillment is more apt than downgrade--but some actions were wrong. It took years to rebuild my values system. My values now look little like pre-BD or post-BD.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: CWarrior] #2918188
04/25/21 10:12 PM
04/25/21 10:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 243
B
BL42 Offline
Member
BL42  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 243
Drh2001,

Originally Posted by Drh2001
Last year when WW was in an in-house separation with me (she is now living with OM) one of the things I would hear her say was "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" whenever I told her what she was doing was wrong.

I imagine they have to make it about you, not self-reflecting, otherwise they'd hate themselves too much.

Originally Posted by Drh2001
How long is a WW able to live this delusional fantasy without feeling anything?

Maybe never?

Originally Posted by LH19
You are never going to be able to make sense of it all. Don’t not waste another minute trying. Decide how you want to live the rest of your life.

I've heard that one from one friend of mine as recently as this weekend! Guess I'm too analytical. Do agree it's best to not dwell at this point, and move one.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
When I was a WAH, after leaving my ex-wife, I questioned every value I'd been following, because they led me where I was. In my pursuit of happiness, I adopted a more minimal code of ethics--experimentation, metamorphosis to find self-fulfillment is more apt than downgrade--but some actions were wrong. It took years to rebuild my values system. My values now look little like pre-BD or post-BD.

CWarrior - Just curious mostly...did you ever have doubt or regrets about being a WAH?


Me:39 W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Suspect OM: 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
W/OM1's work & OM1's W know: 5/20
W moves out: 6/20-7/20
W w/OM2: 6/20-7/20
W files for D: 7/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Re: WW: "I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty" [Re: Drh2001] #2918190
04/25/21 10:40 PM
04/25/21 10:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
C
CWarrior Online
Member
CWarrior  Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
Originally Posted by BL42
CWarrior - Just curious mostly...did you ever have doubt or regrets about being a WAH?

I have regrets. Walking away from my ex-wife isn't one.

How much of one's life should one waste in an unhappy relationship?

My situation (a decade ago) was similar in that my marriage was poor for awhile, my LBS ignored my requests for therapy, and I moved on quickly after BD (in one month served her, moved out, one-night stand). My situation differs in that I left with my kids and had primary custody the decade after.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004