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Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918365
05/01/21 02:37 PM
05/01/21 02:37 PM
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Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Happy frosty but sunny Saturday from Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. There was a heavy frost last night which is common at this time of year.

---

I just wanted to ramble on about attachment patterns and how a number of the ones I've witnessed / been involved in, now seem unhealthy.

I talked recently about 20S and how after the second date she moved in with her boyfriend who is currently her "true love". She is also seemingly taking over, bringing pets into the house over his objections (they live in a granny-suite in his parent's house).

Thinking back to S - from when we started talking about co-habitation, she would come over with piles of "stuff" which would be either unloaded and then reloaded or just left in her van. I expect she was confused as to why the "thinking about moving in together" wasn't "moving in together". I found it odd at the time and was annoyed at the fact that she was pushing the timeline and agenda by bringing her dog, her son etc to stay for multiple days at a time. I should have said something earlier but didn't - boiling frog who was getting some booty perhaps. I do know that when I did say something suggesting that I was surprised she was there for most of the week when we were still "just dating" she got furious, stormed out and the "lost" her engagement ring. I of course caved.

When we were "just dating", S insisted that each and every opportunity that could exist, that I was spending time with her and we would go out 3 times a week which was literally all of the time I had available. My housekeeping and gardening - things that were important to me, took a nose-dive because I just didn't have time to do any of it.

Perhaps it was her normal attachment style like with 20S to just assume that she's going to move in and take over with little pre-amble. It perhaps took as long as it did because she had been burned so very many times before, but it still was the pattern.

Going back to my now ex-wife. I stayed over the first night - not too shocking - we were in our early 20s. We had a couple of dates, I stayed over and then it seemed I was there most every night. When I questioned this, she had a story that she was scared of her downstairs neighbour and needed me there to protect her. When I got a new apartment - which had been intended to be for me, she and her cat moved in as well.

This became apparent to me - at least the similarity between S and 20S when talking to my son who knows 20S very well the other day on how similar the beginnings were.

Some may also recall how in my first interactions with "C" how she seemed to have everything mapped out and planned as well - how we were going to travel together etc.

Thinking back, I can't help but wonder if this isn't part of some sort of insecurity / controlling package. If so, is that what I attract or is it a "normal" female thing? B - the woman who I dated before S was a small bit like this, but certainly seemed happy with me doing my own thing even if a man who liked cooking, cleaning, staying home and listening to that weird jazz music was confusing. I hadn't discovered heavy metal Mongolian throat singing at that point.

Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.

---

Ah well - still things to do before the tea pot gets empty. Today I hope to get to the local landfill and dump the stuff that S left behind plus the usual detrius that builds up in the house over the winter. I have a leaf-bag full of shredded paper, the furnace filters that are too bulky for the usual garbage bags etc.

Last night I decided to forgo the usual Friday night zoom happy hour and sit with the cat and the Muppet Show. Smart choice I think. Early to bed with dirty dishes on the counter. Up this morning feeling rested and refreshed.

My exhaustion is getting better in part as I get more comfortable in my new role. My boss mentioned that in the past few weeks that we've moved double the usual number of railcars of product. Smaller loads though seem to have slowed down. He's been better about giving positive feedback and also some depth to the reasons for actions being taken rather than correcting me when I make the wrong choices. I'm learning the rhythm of the day with the new tasks. I still have to expand my role out more into the forward planning as my planning horizon is still only a few days out but I'm feeling pretty good that I'm getting a better feel for what the various moving parts are. Some other positive feedback from other co-workers has been nice too.

They guys on the floor are appreciating that some of the administrative things that would take them away from doing what they do best, just have to be mentioned and I take care of it. Smoothing the road for everyone including myself. We had a minor equipment failure on Friday morning. The plant let me know, I did all the follow-ups, changed the plans, made the phone calls and decisions and they could focus on fixing things. In the past they would have been interrupted constantly, keeping them from doing the job we are paying them to do and where their skills are. Middle management does have a place in this world I still believe.

I'm not as far behind with work stuff as I usually am on a Saturday morning which is nice. I still have a few things to take care of "of course". I was in to the plant after hours Friday night as there are some product quality issues I need to document and deal with that I did my fact-finding for. I also wandered along the rail line and took note of where and how the cars were placed which didn't "quite" match up with what I had expected so that was good too. My boss was there trying to catch up as well so we crossed paths and had a chat for a short while. It's good to have that personal touch.

My son is expected for dinner on Sunday so I'm going to do up another batch of ribs plus also use up last year's rhubarb with a crumble top pie. Next Sunday is Mother's Day so I'm assuming he has plans - not sure though - while I do hope that he has a healthy relationship with his mother, there's no evidence of it that is visible to me. Nothing I can do about that either way.

A bien tot mes amis


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918366
05/01/21 03:17 PM
05/01/21 03:17 PM
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Hi Andrew,
Originally Posted by Andrew
When we were "just dating", S insisted that each and every opportunity that could exist, that I was spending time with her and we would go out 3 times a week which was literally all of the time I had available.

I found it odd at the time and was annoyed at the fact that she was pushing the timeline and agenda by bringing her dog, her son etc

I do know that when I did say something suggesting that I was surprised she was there for most of the week when we were still "just dating" she got furious, stormed out and the "lost" her engagement ring. I of course caved.


Interesting thoughts. I think these are three separate, but related things.

First, her attachment style has an anxious component, pressing to move in and protesting (losing her ring) when it isn't happening fast enough. Anxious attachment styles require more work. IMHO, a negative not a dealbreaker.

Second, her pacing is faster than yours. There's a range of reasonable paces for kissing, exclusivity, ILU, engagement. This is the one I'd most be willing to compromise on for the right person. It's temporary. My ex-GF moved in after 18mo when I would have preferred 12mo. Both reasonable. 2 weeks sounds cray-cray to me.

Third, her preference for together activities vs personal activities. To me, if your partner can't give you time to pursue your interests (housekeeping and gardening), this is a dealbreaker. This issue isn't going away with time. If compromise were possible it'd be, "Well, I need to garden. You're welcome to join me."


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918367
05/01/21 03:29 PM
05/01/21 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Andrew
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.

Well, according to studies, 56% of adults have secure attachments, but only 20% of singles over 40. This applies to women and men. To me, this isn't too scary--that means 1 of 5 dates will be securely attached. Dating is a numbers game and that's not so many dates! I suspect it is baggage that drives us to be ANXIOUS or AVOIDANT. The bad news for the 80% who are ANXIOUS or AVOIDANT is they tend to attract each other. So, the trick to dating SECURE partners is to be SECURE yourself. Work through your baggage. Be happy single. (:

I was AVOIDANT when I met my ANXIOUS ex-GF of 5 years who I wronged. I was ANXIOUS when I met my last AVOIDANT ex-GF of 3.5 years who wronged me. I'd like to think I'm closer to SECURE now. This is the only time I can recall feeling happy and capable on my own and not needing a partner.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918368
05/01/21 04:04 PM
05/01/21 04:04 PM
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Quote
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.


The question isn’t why do they do it, but why do you ALLOW it? What is it about your boundaries and your past that makes this seem acceptable, familiar?

Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918370
05/01/21 04:42 PM
05/01/21 04:42 PM
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Andy,

This is the type of woman that you attract become you are as what’s known in the poker world is a “mark”. Everyone good poker player knows who the mark is and takes all his money. Do you blame it on the good poker players for taking his money? No it’s up to the mark to either not play or get better. You either need to stop dating or get better at spotting these women who take advantage of you. Instead of posting a 5000 word essay about your work day start reading up on attraction and boundaries. No one will ever say or do to you that you don’t allow them to.

I know you’ll ignore me but I am trying to help a fellow Canadian.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918372
05/01/21 05:13 PM
05/01/21 05:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,928
Southern Maryland
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Andrew,

Don't hold your breath on S20 moving her stuff out of your home. I would be very much surprised if her current boyfriend is going to put up with her and her behavior of gently pushing things along.

As for the stuff that S left...good for you for taking it to the dump. You are getting your house back in order.

I hope that you and Monty have a pleasant weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: kml] #2918375
05/01/21 08:54 PM
05/01/21 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Quote
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.


The question isn’t why do they do it, but why do you ALLOW it? What is it about your boundaries and your past that makes this seem acceptable, familiar?

Kml for the win


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Everyone is doing the best they can, even if it's a lousy job.
Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: LH19] #2918376
05/01/21 09:01 PM
05/01/21 09:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
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Originally Posted by LH19

I know you’ll ignore me but I am trying to help a fellow Canadian.


What he said.

BTW, LH did you move your tent to a village across the border??


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Everyone is doing the best they can, even if it's a lousy job.
Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918819
05/13/21 08:42 PM
05/13/21 08:42 PM
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kml Offline
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How's your vacation week going? Manage to get vaccinated yet?

Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 4 [Re: AndrewP] #2918837
05/14/21 04:20 PM
05/14/21 04:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,721
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
How's your vacation week going? Manage to get vaccinated yet?
I got my first shot of the AZ/Covishield vaccine last week. Despite the concerns, I'll probably choose that as my second dose when available. The science seems solid to booster with the same formula.

Nothing much going on here - little to report in on.

Last day of vacation. It's been good. I've de-stressed a bit and slept in which is glorious. I was pleased that work never felt any particular urgent need to reach out to me. There were a couple of minor things that popped up that I looked into. There were a number of fairly big things that I'm sure were major headaches at the plant.

I've been getting some back spasms all week so have - for me - taken things easy. Went on a couple of longer hikes in some of the local nature areas we are so very fortunate to have. We are still under a now extended stay-home order here so adventures farther afield weren't an option. When the spasms happen I just move very carefully and they pass. I've had these for a long time off and on so I just need to let them pass. Every now and then I'll get a big one that will throw my back out for about 6 weeks.

When I walk, it's usually good thinking time. I'm not one of those who listens to music or podcasts when walking so lots of thinking happens. For good or for ill, more and more I'm having difficulty imagining having someone else under this roof with me. S must really have done a number on my ability to be open and trusting. For a while during one of my walks I gave some brain space to "what if" my ex and OM broke up. That's a person who I lived with for 26 years more or less harmoniously. Nope - definite nope for several bucket loads of reasons. Even dating seems like too much effort although the loneliness has bumped up this past week as I lost even the usual human interaction with people from work. Oddly though too - I felt pretty much zero need to reach out to anyone and so didn't.

I've not heard anything from or about S since we parted. I had a talk to the post-office the other day and let them know that they could just reject any mail that comes here for her. It's been 6 months after-all. There's only one thing that has come in recent times. I did have a laugh when I popped my head around and saw the back-side of the PO boxes. My ex-wife's name is still on mine.

I did have an odd interaction yesterday with a neighbour who I rarely see. I was working on my shed and she yelled over a "hello" from her back yard so I wandered over to visit. She has an 11 month-old who I last saw shortly after she was born. We caught up on the news - she was very sad for me that my last relationship didn't work out for me and assured me that "true love" will find me. I think she's struggling a bit with the lockdowns - hasn't seen her family for a while. Her husband and mother-in-law are - to say the least - not social people - and I think that's hard on her. She said she's going to get a second job - she's a nurse - just to get out more. She suggested that I join her on her lunch-time walks with her little one but I dodged that. I'm sure everything is all innocent but don't want to even provide the appearance of impropriety. She did come over and harvest some rhubarb from my garden (ah - I miss doodler) and said that she'll bring me a piece of pie.

I did find it odd as well that a bit later her mother-in-law came over to ask about what she'd heard that I was looking at selling part of my property and that she was interested in it as well. Perhaps a full de-brief was held?

Ah well - yeah - nothing much going on. I'll maybe get some plants today for my flower beds. Should be a nice quiet weekend too as many of my weekend chores have already been done. Then back into the harness sometime Sunday to start the planning for Monday for the plant.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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