Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Michka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Michka,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is very difficult. We used to warn newcomers that an affair being involved wasn't just likely, but very probable. Unfortunately, the best majority of situations involve another person.

Better days are ahead. I know sometimes that seems to be either impossible or so far away. Take one day at a time, put those previous little boys above all else, and keep moving forward. We're here to help and support.
[quote][/quote]




I am most angry at myself for to be honest about it. I feel that had I snooped from the beginning things would have been a lot easier on me because I can then make decisions about the situation and how much I am willing to take. Especially since he kept waffling back and forth... I think thats the hardest part for my boys. It really did seem that we were going to make it.

Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Michka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Happy Birthday, Michka. I understand waking up lonely. It will get better.

I like what you said " I don't want to know more than I do".

I had a mantra when I felt the urge to dig. It was: "I know enough".

That is a good place to be. The details do not matter. For everyone, it's different in what "enough" is. I've found less is better. Hope this makes sense.

I hope you are finding peace in this storm. Steve is right, one day at a time. You are doing great, despite what you feel. ((((Michka))))

97 Hope.... it was never about knowing what was said, where it was said etc. I just needed to know the truth that there was someone, it was a lightbulb moment to be honest because everything else made sense. Those little things I thought were odd, strange, out of character...

The OW is just that to me...someone else. Not bad, good or terrible. She did not do anything to me. My H did. I kinda feel sorry for her to be honest. I dont regret reaching out to her, I actually think I did her a favour. In the end she never pursued contact and I left it there. I know it was highly discouraged by the board but I guess no harm was done.

Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Michka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
I do get your gist, if there is anything I hate its lying, I would have so much more respect for him should he have just been honest from the beginning. He wanted this, own it. Not saying it would be any easier but at the very least my opportunity to decide what to do based on the actual facts would have been preferred. I allowed myself to be strung along because he kept telling me there was a chance. I just thought life/his stupidity got in the way and we could work it out.

OB I do have my in laws coming in each day for a few hours to help with the kids. I am in education so i need to be online during the day, I just stay up at night to do all the backend stuff.

I hope things improve too, I am in of the restricted LGAS (yay) but you know what, I don't think where I was would be making a huge difference right now. At least in my situation.

My boys are pretty well behaved so that makes it easier, they just have shocking palates which I am working on... anything that didnt move when it was alive seems to be abhorrent to them. But we will get there.

This parenting part I dont know, in the 8 months since BD he has been quite detached and I have had to be the main parent. I dont think it will get to 50/50 because I am not sure he wants to make the effort. His loss. my gain.

Thanks OB for the bday wishes, I made myself a strawberry cake (was very nice considering how easy it was) and watched a movie with the kids. I feel the future is bright.

Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Michka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
Question for the people...

He keeps asking me to meet with him when I am ready so he is able to tell me the "truth".

I finally offered to do it over the phone or via text, i really don't want to be physically around him more then I have to. However he insisted it was a conversation that needed to take place "face to face".

I just left it, have not replied, just don't know what his game is with this.

What would you all do?

Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 673
Likes: 11
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 673
Likes: 11
Hey Michka, as I see it, you’ve told him the way in which you are prepared to talk with him, stick your guns in that, nothing more to say. I would just do what you’re doing and not respond. You’ve stated your preference, that’s all that needs to be said.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,003
Likes: 55
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,003
Likes: 55
Michka,

Originally Posted by Michka
Well its been a week and half or so since I found out the extent of his lies and the fact he has been actively involved in an affair for close to a year. I am sure there is more to everything but I don't want to know anymore then I do.
Sorry. It [censored], but is often the case.

Originally Posted by Michka
I wanted to really channel my energy and emotion into myself and my boys. The first thing I did was ban H from coming at night, the boys need to get used to me only putting them to sleep so we have been working on that and I am happy to say we have made real progress in a short time.
Have you met with a L yet? Document all of this. If your husband stays away longer and you becoming the defacto primary care giver it may help you with custody and child support, should it come to that.

Originally Posted by Michka
I had a dream last night that I was being held by someone, I could never see their face in the dream but it was someone who loved me that was all i know. It sucked waking up because I felt so lonely. Waking up alone is not something I signed up for either, but i took a deep breathe and forced myself to shake it off.
When you're in the midst of a very difficult time, depressed, and trying to get through the minutes/hours/days, finally getting to sleep can be a reprieve to having your mind be consumed by your sitch. Unfortunately waking up brings us back to reality. I know that feeling well - waking up and that half second until you reality comes crashing back. Fortunately, this too will pass. You'll get through this and you'll wake up happy again.

Originally Posted by Michka
Its my birthday today, I treated myself to some new clothes, and I am looking forward to a new week.
Happy belated! I think it's great you treated yourself to some new clothes. It'll make you more feel more attractive and boost your confidence. Definitely right in line with the DB'ing playbook.

Originally Posted by Michka
Question for the people...

He keeps asking me to meet with him when I am ready so he is able to tell me the "truth".

I finally offered to do it over the phone or via text, i really don't want to be physically around him more then I have to. However he insisted it was a conversation that needed to take place "face to face".

I just left it, have not replied, just don't know what his game is with this.

What would you all do?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Hey Michka, as I see it, you’ve told him the way in which you are prepared to talk with him, stick your guns in that, nothing more to say. I would just do what you’re doing and not respond. You’ve stated your preference, that’s all that needs to be said.
I don't have a "right" answer. I agree with OnlyBent on sticking to your guns, if that's how you truly feel. He can probably type up a long email explaining everything easier than an emotional chat in which you or he forgets things or starts to argue. Just be wary of face apologies and fake intentions. As they say on here, actions not words...and actions over a prolonged period of time.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Michka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Hey Michka, as I see it, you’ve told him the way in which you are prepared to talk with him, stick your guns in that, nothing more to say. I would just do what you’re doing and not respond. You’ve stated your preference, that’s all that needs to be said.

Thats how I feel OB, I have been maintaining as little contact with him as possible. Its hard with lockdown because the kids want to see him daily and right now I think they need that. However, it just means he is always around and his mere presence is more than I want to deal with.

I just wasn't sure if this was one of those " i should listen and validate" not in hopes of anything, but simply because he is my co-parent. So I thought i would put it out there in DB land.

Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
M
Michka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2021
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by BL42
Michka,

Originally Posted by Michka
Well its been a week and half or so since I found out the extent of his lies and the fact he has been actively involved in an affair for close to a year. I am sure there is more to everything but I don't want to know anymore then I do.
Sorry. It [censored], but is often the case.

Originally Posted by Michka
I wanted to really channel my energy and emotion into myself and my boys. The first thing I did was ban H from coming at night, the boys need to get used to me only putting them to sleep so we have been working on that and I am happy to say we have made real progress in a short time.
Have you met with a L yet? Document all of this. If your husband stays away longer and you becoming the defacto primary care giver it may help you with custody and child support, should it come to that.

Originally Posted by Michka
I had a dream last night that I was being held by someone, I could never see their face in the dream but it was someone who loved me that was all i know. It sucked waking up because I felt so lonely. Waking up alone is not something I signed up for either, but i took a deep breathe and forced myself to shake it off.
When you're in the midst of a very difficult time, depressed, and trying to get through the minutes/hours/days, finally getting to sleep can be a reprieve to having your mind be consumed by your sitch. Unfortunately waking up brings us back to reality. I know that feeling well - waking up and that half second until you reality comes crashing back. Fortunately, this too will pass. You'll get through this and you'll wake up happy again.

Originally Posted by Michka
Its my birthday today, I treated myself to some new clothes, and I am looking forward to a new week.
Happy belated! I think it's great you treated yourself to some new clothes. It'll make you more feel more attractive and boost your confidence. Definitely right in line with the DB'ing playbook.

Originally Posted by Michka
Question for the people...

He keeps asking me to meet with him when I am ready so he is able to tell me the "truth".

I finally offered to do it over the phone or via text, i really don't want to be physically around him more then I have to. However he insisted it was a conversation that needed to take place "face to face".

I just left it, have not replied, just don't know what his game is with this.

What would you all do?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Hey Michka, as I see it, you’ve told him the way in which you are prepared to talk with him, stick your guns in that, nothing more to say. I would just do what you’re doing and not respond. You’ve stated your preference, that’s all that needs to be said.
I don't have a "right" answer. I agree with OnlyBent on sticking to your guns, if that's how you truly feel. He can probably type up a long email explaining everything easier than an emotional chat in which you or he forgets things or starts to argue. Just be wary of face apologies and fake intentions. As they say on here, actions not words...and actions over a prolonged period of time.


BL42 Thank you for the support and kind words.

I have been in contact with my L since shortly after BD. They are currently aware of the situation. These conversations are all via TM as I have refused to speak to him face to face unless I had to.

I know in theory this phase will pass but in practise it [censored]. I just keep breathing. It's the kids that get to me, it really is.

I agree too with OB but I thought I would ask the question regardless. The main reason I don't want to speak to him about this is I don't believe he will be truthful. He evidently hasn't been and I have no reason to believe he will be nor am I interested in alleviating his guilt which I suspect may be part of it.

Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Hi Michka,

Just chiming in to say I agree, no need to meet him in person. he's fired you as his wife and you have no obligation to have a in-person chat if you don't want to. And I think you're right on-- there really is no point as you won't be able to believe anything he says anyway. He's free to write you an email if he wants.

Hang in there! Strawberry cake sounds amazing!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 673
Likes: 11
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 673
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by Michka
The main reason I don't want to speak to him about this is I don't believe he will be truthful. He evidently hasn't been and I have no reason to believe he will be nor am I interested in alleviating his guilt which I suspect may be part of it.

I think you're right M, if he tells the truth would you even believe it...boy who cried wolf. It becomes pointless, and knowing the truth will not help you move forward anyway. You're doing well. Lets hope there's light at the end of this lockdown tunnel.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard