Recap: After BD, I made the mistake of Reconciling a relationship that wasn't worth saving. I'm doing better now!
I met my old friend, F53. Pre-COVID, once a quarter I'd visit her home for a party, and once a year she'd join me on a trip. She referred to it as our "Limited Friendship". Tonight was different. As she spoke, I listened and asked questions and she began opening up about things she never had before. She said despite hosting so many parties, she'd recently culled her friends list. I was only 1 of about 20 who cared enough to ask her about family issues she'd alluded to since January. She kept extending the evening, then asked more about me than she had before--my dream, my training, my kids, my ex-wife. I finally said I had to leave, and she proposed meeting again in two to four weeks.
I knew her long before my GF. How did we go on multi-day backpacking trips and I learned nothing beyond her funds, her connections, her gear, her strength, and her cardio? All that time spent on the trail or around the campfire. My friendships have been too utilitarian. That may be where it starts. That shouldn't be where it stops.
Last edited by job; 03/25/2103:03 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
@CanBird - It's the first time I *could* see her that way, but I'm M41 and my dating range is F35 to F50. F53 is.. planning to retire outside the country. I can't see doing that this decade. I did text, "Thanks for the wonderful dinner."
@Elbereth - Thank you. I did an exercise to try to ID my values--1. loyalty, 2. family, 3. determination, 4. sexuality. That last one seems shallow vs. compassion, but good sex is important?? lol. I love your chill approach, that what you need to decide isn't if they're your soulmate, just if you might enjoy one more date. I actually feel READY to date now. The only reason I am holding off is I need my focus on that goal of climbing that mountain.
@Andrew - I've been slowest to reply to this, because it cuts so deep. How could we be so slow to pick up on this? In retrospect, I can ID many times she wanted to control me and hold me down. E.g., my first 10K I was so proud of where she kept telling me to stop and do it right, or the first major marathon I qualified for and she didn't, where she asked me to drop out because by participating I would be taking over and ignoring her dream.
Originally Posted by Andrew
When we met I was fit and had abs. But she would, from the very beginning, make jokes and unkind remarks about my weight. "Dance for me doughnut boy" was used in our first year of marriage - I still remember that day.
In the future, would you please link your previous thread to your new one. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
@Job, I knew I forgot something—thanks for the assist.
Tomorrow will be hard. Between my ex-wife (10yrs) and ex-gf (5yrs), I dated another woman (5yrs). In that relationship II was a first class arse. I said things damaging to her self-esteem. I want to apologize for three specific mistakes, I want to give her a chance to vent. I hope to restore her as a family friend. She once knew my kids very well. I’ve sometimes thought of my last relationship as comeuppance/karma for this one before.
A good apology should build them up, not cause pain by rehashing every detail. A good apology should not be overly long or dramatic--then the person being apologized to is put in the awkward position of soothing you.
"I wanted to apologize. When we were friends, I didn't respect how much you tried to engage my kids, helping D to ride a dolphin, building S's minecraft birthday party. I regret the jokes I made, the harsh words I used that one night but didn't mean. I cut a wonderful person out of our lives. I've missed you."
"I wanted to apologize. When we were together, you truly loved my kids--helping D ride a dolphin, that Minecraft party you built for S. Unfortunately, I think I offered you more criticism than gratitude in return, especially that final night. Anyway, I'm sorry for how I treated you, and grateful you were there."
CW - First examine why you feel the need to take this step. Is it for you, for her, or your family. Do you think she even wants this apology? Are you looking to rebuild a relationship with this person? It does seem like that. If so - why?
One thing that I learned (painfully) is that it is ok to just let people go - even those you care about. I have a few people who are no longer in my life because of hurts in both directions. I've let them go to live their own lives without any real "closure" and I feel ok with that. Each of us is different of course with our own motivations.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells