Today marks 13 years from when my ex told me he wanted a divorce and he left the night he dropped the bomb. No I’m house separation, no second thoughts, no forewarning, it was simply the end of my marriage and my family as I knew it. He was planning to go live at his sisters that night , but I called my dad to come get me and my daughter. I scooped up my sleeping baby girl and we never spent another night under the same roof again.
And here I am 13 years later, with a 13 year old daughter, who happened to be born on the 13th! Must be my lucky number.
This day doesn’t really affect me anymore. I mean, it does for a second, because I always remember it, because I’m one of those weird people who remembers the date to everything. I think there is actually a name for that.
Which brings my to UR’s post. I still have dark moments. Crazy thoughts still come in my head from time to time like the one about what a man who did what he did thinks. It’s a dark thought that crept in. I know it doesn’t define my worthiness or what I think of myself. Those thoughts thankfully leave as quick as they come. I did have a dream that brought that on. I think it was couples with the fact they will be celebrating their anniversary on April fools day.
Am I ready to date? I don’t know. I actually think I am a more emotionally healthy person than most people I know and they are coupled. But perhaps what I want to attract is a higher degree of emotional intelligence and maybe I’m not putting that out there yet. For now, I do continue to do what I can with friends, keep exercising, working on my house, and doing what I can. If someone wants to hook me up, and I am quite flattered my friends came to me wanting to hook me and one wants to hook me up with her best friend S’s who passed away a husband. That’s pretty humbling.
I don’t know that I am ready for the mean cruel world of online dating though. But I don’t know I am always a work in progress and forward moving even if I still have dark thoughts. I am honestly scared to date. I don’t know if I have the energy anymore to put into dating what I want to get out of it. I also know I want to move in 4 years. But I also know I am so lonely for a partner and intimacy. It’s a tough one alright.
My cousin sent me videos our other cousin had of me and my mom. I have never seen a video of us before. And in this one, my my has her arm around me, she smiling and laughing and we gave eachother a kiss. And I lost it. I haven’t cried about her in a long time, quite honestly. Sadly, my memories of my mom are not all that loving. But this made me remember what was really deep down in her soul. She did love me. She was just too broken.
Anyways, I have my dad and his wife coming to stay with me for a week on Thursday. Please pray for my sanity, lol.
I never mention today to anyone IRL what today is on the calendar and how my life as I knew completely blew up 13 years ago. But man am I proud, because I couldn’t see myself making it to 13 years later. And here I am
Last edited by job; 03/16/2102:02 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I read this a day or so ago and I'm sorry I haven't responded before now, but life has been seriously crazy at work and at home.
Your question about if you are ready to date and your honest answer of I don't know is what prompted me to respond. I would lean toward the cautious side and say if you honestly don't know if you are ready then you are really NOT ready. I may be wrong in that, but I would think if you were truly ready, you would know. You KNOW comparing yourself and your life to others is not good for you, so I caution you to not do that. Look at your own life. Divorce [censored], being single [censored], but you have been single and been a great mom to a wonderful teenager and you are a total rock star.
I like that you can recognize that you have dark thoughts, but that you also realize your worth. I think that is a healthy balance and a much-needed perspective when you start seeking out a partner. Just don't settle. You are way too rock star to settle for a one hit wonder.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Hi dawn! I do think I’m ready to be in a relationship . I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to not have these fleeting dark thoughts I get sometimes. I’m always going to have some scars from all that has happened. But my reaction to them is what’s important. Tolerating being treated less than is no longer an option. Being third fiddle and somebody to just occupy someone’s free time is not OK with me. I am not a void filler anymore. I want to be treated with respect. And I just won’t settle for any less than that again. I still have my soft side, I will still be giving and loving to someone who doesn’t abuse that. That’s just who I am. But I’m done giving everything to receive not much in return.
The dating aspect to get there is daunting to me. I’ve gotten comfortable not going through those motions. Most people seem to not have to go through it as much as I do and some pretty good fortune earlier on. I just keep thinking about going through months and months of talking to strangers trying to find a decent guy and I get exhausted.
Tough spot to be in for sure . But I’m almost 41. I’m never going to be in this picture perfect place to date. I just cannot do it from a bad place which I am not in right now. I’m in a good place. Many people have partners and healthy relationships and those people have their issues and demons. It’s how they handle them and let them affect their relationships. I am finally past that place I believe. I can have a healthy relationship if I don’t let those demons control my relationships.
Still haven’t been able to pull the trigger and set up my online profile. But I have been trying to take some new pictures and see what happens
You imagine it taking months and months of dating to find a decent guy.
Do you know what you’re looking for? In online dating, a study found one inch (5’8” -> 5’9”) to be worth $40,000 in income for a guy’s desirability! Our default feelings can be shallow. I think I’m honing in on my values in a partner: determination, loyalty, family-focus, good sec—and what else must be present (6+/10 attractive, emotionally stable, feel good around them, bring out my good side). I hope this helps me override chemistry a bit and be slower to lock in someone hot without these attributes, or give a second and third date to someone not as hot who fits all of them.
I realize I’m at 2.5 months single out of my goal of 5 months single vs. how much time you’ve taken to self-reflect, so maybe this was already obvious to you. What made me wonder is in a previous post you said anybody you added to your life would have to be really great, and you mentioned holding out for someone incredible. If you’re a happy person with no void to fill, they’d have to good as good as they get, but would they need to be “incredible”?
We might have different definitions of incredible. Incredible means a great heart, giving and respectful with a good moral standing. That’s incredible to me. Holding out for someone who sees me as an equal and wants to give what he gets.
Attractiveness for me is determined on who the person is on the inside. I cannot rate a man’s attractiveness on a numeric scale. Personality qualities actually changes Outward appearance for me. Someone who isn’t considered conventionally attractive can be in my eyes if they are a good man. Someone who is a cr@p person but conventionally physically attractive will actually become physically unattractive to me.
And height doesn’t matter to me probably because I’m short . A decent income is important to me because I have one and I do need someone who can pull their own weight financially. Not pull my weight, but pull their own. I’ve made more than most of my partners and I have been fine with that, because I don’t need anyone to support me and I didn’t have to support them.
So my definition of incredible is probably a lot different than most
I always read along. Stopping by to say hang in there. Glad you and D are healthy.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Sorry I have not commented sooner Ginger. (((HUGS))). I’m a date person too. I can also appreciate your perspective on having dark thoughts from time to time. I am definitely guilty of that myself for sure. I’ve gotten good at putting the brakes on when I feel myself start to spiral a bit. I know you have worked a lot on that as well. Ever since I agreed to sell my half of the house to XH and OW, I have had to do that a fair amount. I remember thinking at BD that there was no way I would ever allow OW to take over my life to the extent that she would move into my home and life would go on as if I hadn’t existed. That was just too much for me to take back then which is why I never even considered allowing XH to buy me out back then. But that was over two years ago and it is amazing how perspective can shift and other things become more important. Not gonna lie, it does still sting a tiny bit when I think about them living in my home but I quickly shift my focus to the joy my kids are feeling at not having to leave their home...and that is more important to me than anything. You have been an inspiration in that regard as you always find a way to manage your feelings and put D13 first. Many people in your position would not be able to do this but you have created a good coparenting relationship with XH despite having to have a front row seat to his marriage to OW. You have a strength of character that not many people have and I hope you recognize it because certainly the rest of us do.
RE: online dating. Maybe it would be easier to deal with if you treated it as just another activity to engage in when you’ve got nothing better to do? I think it becomes exhausting when you attach a lot of hope and expectations to it. When you view it as just another “game” on your phone you can choose to play or not play, it may seem less onerous. IDK...I’m sure others have some thoughts around this that they can share with you. Anyway....just wanted to lend you my support and let you know I am thinking of you.
BTW...42 is YOUNG!!!! You’ve got so many adventures still to come!! (((HUGS)))
“Success in any endeavor in life comes down to your actions and the strategies that you use to optimize your personal and professional life, so you can achieve your grandest goals and dreams in the shortest time possible. Whatever you focus on tends to expand. That’s why it’s always best, when things seem hopeless, that you focus on what you must do each and every day before you go to sleep at night. Bad times never last forever. They sometimes may even last several years, but with an emotionally compelling vision of what you want to create for your life, an action plan to make it happen and the willingness to constantly change and adapt your approach, as you learn to optimize your results after each failure, eventually with enough time and repetition, you will finally succeed. Time is going to pass no matter what. So, it’s always better to be grinding towards your grandest goals and dreams.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Ever since I agreed to sell my half of the house to XH and OW, I have had to do that a fair amount. I remember thinking at BD that there was no way I would ever allow OW to take over my life to the extent that she would move into my home and life would go on as if I hadn’t existed. That was just too much for me to take back then which is why I never even considered allowing XH to buy me out back then. But that was over two years ago and it is amazing how perspective can shift and other things become more important. Not gonna lie, it does still sting a tiny bit when I think about them living in my home but I quickly shift my focus to the joy my kids are feeling at not having to leave their home...and that is more important to me than anything.
DejaVu - if it helps any, imagine how OW feels about moving into the home that YOU shared with your ex for so long, and in with the MIL who is so close to you! I'd be mighty uncomfortable if I was in her shoes!!
