I get where you are coming from with all the bugging etc. I did a similar thing initally, as i wanted that "proof". My proof was for a different reason - not for myself, but for the future if i ever need it with our children ( my ex has narsastic traits and will never ever admit wrong doing and never has - its always somebody elses fault ) and the ex lies to them / paints me as the bad guy.
Your children arent really children any more - they are adults, hence i dont really see the benefit in going this route.
The best thing you can do now is move on and really make a great life for yourself. Do the things you want to do, spend quality time with your children, be a great grandfather when your children have children etc.
none of these things need a WW.. and you can invest your time and energy into you.
Originally Posted by NickWing
And I may disagree with Steve, that if it wasn’t this Om it would have been another. This guy is a manipulator and has had a huge hold on her in the past, so it’s like she never got over him even though they were apart physically for years. They have a godson together, his nephew.
Sorry Nick, it doesnt work that way. LH once posted a great summary about now resentment impacts on a WWs feelings.
There are plenty of guys out there who will chat up any women - especially married ones. In my mid twenties i started to hang out with an old school friend again, after about 9 years of not speaking / drifting apart. He was a bit of a "wild" one at school and my mum disliked him because he never thought about the consequences of his actions. His mentality didnt change as he got older. On nights out, his focus was married or engaged women. If they had a ring on a finger, they were his target..
His reasoning was: Chances are if married / engaged sex is dull / rountied and they are "up for it" He is the only guy chatting them up! - Most "decent"guys wouldnt do this, so its just him seeking their attention. Chances are, its a one night thing, so he doesnt have to worry about them wanting a relationship or wanting to "settle down" Even if they want more than one night, he can still play his games with others, as they are taken anyway, so sex / meeting up was on his terms.
The scary thing is, he was very very succesful at picking up married women for 1 night stands !
The scarier thing was, for the women who wanted sex more than once, they were prepared to pay for hotels etc just to meet him ! ( he still lived with his parents )
Needles to say, we didnt hang out for long as he was still a bit of a unpredictable, but my point being, there are lot of married women who will cheat, if you catch them at the right time.
The journal also shows you what kind of person she actually is. She has deep rooted issues from her past.
This journal is your red flag - it shows you what kind of person she actually is.. It just took a few years for all this to bubble up.
Just sort the divorce and get her out of your hair. This will make detachment so much easier and you can move on and enjoy the rest of your life. You need to let go of the anger and resentment towards her.
You want to punish WW - the best punishment is to live an amazing life without them !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
And I may disagree with Steve, that if it wasn’t this Om it would have been another. This guy is a manipulator and has had a huge hold on her in the past, so it’s like she never got over him even though they were apart physically for years. They have a godson together, his nephew.
So the OM forced your W on his c..k? The point here is that it is your W's fault, the OM may be a douche, but your W could easily deflect his advances. You said it yourself, he is a serial cheater.
Where did I say it wasn’t her fault? She has a unhealthy obsession with this guy she never got over, and he knew that and used it. They both know what they were doing is wrong but don’t care. I know from her journal she thinks OM is her soul mate, but I,think he is just using her as he has done in the past. Both are equally culpable.
Also based on the journals I have a hunch your W is a serial cheater.
I know LH you’ve made that point clear. We know she was OW multiple times in her twenties with the current Om, and we know she is now cheating with Om. My hunch is that she was not physically cheating on me for all previous years of the marriage. I believe she had some sort of connection to Om during this time though.
Isn’t that a cheeseless tunnel, trying to figure out what happened in the past?
Nick, you seem to like to argue. Even when the other party has no skin in the game, is telling you objective truths, and is in it for nothing more than trying to help you. So what is your goal posting here? To argue? To journal? To brag? To gain insight? To seek help to get through this and become a better person?
Help us help you.
Also, your fixation on this OM is unhealthy. Believe what you want (if it wasn't him then she would still be totally faithful to you and committed to the marriage....yeah right), but if she were open to it with him, she would have been open to it with someone else. You act like this is the only guy on the planet that your W would cheat with. That is a statistical impossibility. Your years as a detective should let you see that objectively.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
People can only be angry at themselves for so long, and then they need to stop. What tends to happen at that point is that they look to displace blame. If someone stole money from you, initially they might be mad at themselves for doing it, but eventually they'll usually convince themselves that it was someone else's fault that they were in that position. Its just human nature.
As a WAS, they will often displace blame on the LBS because they need to give themselves some relief, so eventually they are angry at you for what you did, and then they are angry at you again for what they did.
If they are in that state of mind, can you see why pursuing them or having relationship talks is just totally hopeless?
Can you see why if you address their past complaints *now* it just makes them angrier at you?
The three biggest things she's dealing with right now are fear and uncertainty about the future, guilt for what she's doing to you and your daughter, and anger and resentment over your role in pushing her to this point.
Everything you do right now is going to make her either more resentful, or less resentful.
If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.
If you pursue her, argue with her, or try to convince her to work with you on the marriage, she's going to resent you for not letting her go and not giving her the space she wants.
If you immediately address all her historic complaints, she's going to resent the fact that you didn't do it sooner, and things had to get this bad for you to take action.
If you give her space, it’s going to make her less resentful.
If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make her less resentful.
If you are respectful in your communications with her, but not intimate, it’s going to make her less resentful.
*Eventually* she will burn through that big pile of resentment.
*Eventually* she will process her anger at you and it will dissipate.
UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training.
If she thinks you wear blue every day, and you start wearing red, she's still going to think of you as the guy that wears blue, because she literally can't see you right now.
WHILE she is processing her anger and resentment, YOU work on your changes. You do it slowly and methodically *for you*.
If you're a 2 today, you don't focus on being a 10, you focus on being a 3. Then you focus on being a 4. You be kind to yourself.
While her anger and resentment are burning down, your changes are building up.
When eventually she's had enough time and space that she can SEE YOU again, she'll be surprised by what she sees, and she'll question for the first time the assumptions she has held about you.
THAT is the beginning of your opportunity to turn things around, but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.
Buckle your seatbelt, it’s a marathon and you have to be patient and surrender to the fact that this relationship is NOT something you can control right now.
That's an uncomfortable feeling, but the sooner you own that fact, the better you'll do.
I know LH you’ve made that point clear. We know she was OW multiple times in her twenties with the current Om, and we know she is now cheating with Om. My hunch is that she was not physically cheating on me for all previous years of the marriage. I believe she had some sort of connection to Om during this time though.
Isn’t that a cheeseless tunnel, trying to figure out what happened in the past?
The point I am making Nick is to accept this is who she is right now and will be for a really long time. Be thankful she is not your problem anymore she is OMs problem now. Be the better person and WW and go live an amazing life. Find a nice woman who is not a serial cheater and appreciates you for who you are as a man.
Buckle your seatbelt, it’s a marathon and you have to be patient and surrender to the fact that this relationship is NOT something you can control right now.
That's an uncomfortable feeling, but the sooner you own that fact, the better you'll do.
Oh boy do I ever realize I am not in control. The only control I exercised was in filing, and only after Stbxw went to South Beach with Om and left D at home by herself. I actually thought if LH saw this, he would say I’m in an open marriage, and that was a humiliating thought. And Stbxw was pi**ed because it blew up the narrative that We were going to stroll to the courthouse with her lawyer holding hands while I cave to whatever settlement demands she had.
I didn’t hire a lawyer to make her mad, that was just an unintended side benefit. My lawyer wanted to serve her at work, but I said no, just call her L. Who eventually told stbxw I had filed. Stbxw was also pi**ed that I didn’t tell her I said I didn’t want to get into an argument, she said I could have texted her.
And actually, my L has jumpstarted the case to get it done quick, which is what stbxw wants.
And LH, thanks for some of the best advice I received, that I’m not co parenting, I’m parenting.
