Moving forward with my life

[Oceangl]

Hey everyone -- looks like this is the board for me now.

My 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple months, but there's a good chance I will be divorced by then. I have pretty much accepted it, but I still have sad times and those moments when I can't believe it ended up this way. He cheated on me for two years with a good friend of mine. They still work together every day even though I asked him to change that situation. I had no self-esteem in the beginning and would do anything if I thought he would love me again or it would change his mind, etc etc. Ugh, I gag just writing that. I made about every mistake in the book. So for the past four years I've been in limbo, hoping he would find it worth it to stay together. I think he put his time in so he didn't feel like a bad guy (as in he cheated on her and then dumped her). He says he tried, but he is the only one who would say that.

It's been a hard few years. I am exhausted. The positive side is that while I am sad about the marriage ending, I know I will be okay and am working to be happy on my own. I have WAY more self confidant. I am as NC as I can be right now (he filed on the 8th of Feb but hasn't moved out yet. He did move to another room as I said he could not be in there with me anymore. I have asked him to move out, but he is hemming and hawing about finances and I can't make him leave. Thankfully, he travels a lot, so he is gone often. When he is gone I never call and rarely text. I answer his with pretty much one word answers. It [censored], but this is what it is. I am determined to move forward.

We do have kids, so that is the worst part for me. I feel like I can deal with anything, but hurting them breaks my heart.

[AndrewP]

It's good though to be able to hold your head high and know that you've been true to yourself. You've certainly done this as a marathon going back to 2016.

Welcome to the slower moving side.

I do also think it's a load of hooey that "kids are resilient". And your's have gone through this at a very vulnerable age. As we always say - thank heavens that there's at least one sane parent.

Hopefully he'll soon be out from underfoot - I understand that Hefty makes lovely matching luggage. I see that they have both a 42 gallon and 55 gallon "contractor" set

[kml]

I was married 24 years, together 26. So I feel you. I also worked hard for many years to put my marriage back together after my ex's infidelity, but as he approached 50, MLC took over.

Lessons I learned?
1) I have peace in my heart knowing I did everything possible to repair my marriage.
2) I now know that nothing I did would have changed the outcome, this was about my ex and his issues.
3) Someone who can lie to your face while carrying on an affair has a character defect that likely shows up in other places and may never be fixed anyway.

And yes, divorce is a business transaction. Take the emotion out of it. Figure out what's fair and what you need to take care of your kids.

I hope you have spoken with an attorney already? Are you in a community property state? Do you have an idea of what the finances would look like?

Is continuing to home school your youngest through high school really going to be financially feasible? Or is this just pandemic homeschooling?

Do you have copies of tax returns and all needed financial records? Does your STBX have a pension or other retirement accounts that you are entitled to part of?

Sounds like your ex wants 50:50 custody - is he really capable of that or is he just trying to get out of paying child support?

Are you in the US? Real estate values are really high right now, so I want you to think carefully about the family home and your finances. Many women fight to stay in the family home and trade away other valuable assets (like pensions) for equity in the home. This can be a good thing when home values are rising, but can be a bad thing if home values go bust. Taking on a mortgage and maintenance that you really cannot afford and then having to sell the home or go into foreclosure a few years later can be disastrous. (And there can be tax consequences to selling the home later on your own versus jointly during a divorce).

I was mostly satisfied with our divorce settlement, although nobody gets everything they want. The one thing I would have done differently IF it had been possible (it wasn't) is take a lump sum instead of alimony payments. This is because seeing that check to me every month mad my ex angry and when other things came up with our adult children needing financial help, he stuck me with all of it in revenge (even though his income is more than twice mine). However, my ex owed so much alimony we really didn't have the assets for him to pay me a lump sum for it. Definitely get automatic payments.

If you're not working at present, he may try to "impute" an income to you - what you would be earning if you worked full time. Be prepared for this move. As I said, it might not be economically feasible to home school your youngest all through high school if that means you cannot work for another several years.

Our divorce agreement also laid out that both of us were required to pay a certain part of the college expenses for our kids. (My ex's lawyer actually tried to talk him out of this, but ex insisted, as if I was the one who would be a deadbeat to our kids! I ended up being happy for it because it forced my ex to pay for his share of their college. )

If you are in a community property state, 401Ks and other retirement savings should be split 50:50 for whatever part was accumulated during the marriage, which is probably all of it given your ages and length of marriage. A pension needs to be QDRO'd - a legal division. My best asset from my marriage, aside from half the house equity, has been my share of his defined benefit pension, which is a very important part of my retirement funding.

Think carefully about retirement - it will be upon you before you know it (says the woman who got divorced at 53 and just signed up for Medicare! Boy those years flew by!). Unless you will have plenty of assets to cover you, if you aren't employed outside the home, you might consider taking a job with generous healthcare and retirement benefits - you are young enough to accumulate some decent retirement benefit if you start now in such a job. And try to get whatever home you end up in paid off by retirement if you can. (My biggest regret at present, after living in the home I bought after my divorce for ten years, is that I wasn't able to pay the mortgage down as much as I had planned. This was due mostly to unexpected kids expenses, but I wish I had been more disciplined too.)

I bought a largish house with 4 bedrooms in case any of my children or my mom came to live with me. Turned out my mom did live with me for 8 years until she died, and two of my sons lived with me for many years (one just moved out, one still with me and likely will be long term). I don't regret it, but if I hadn't had to do so for them, I could have a paid off smaller home by now.

The best thing I did was take up playing the drums when my ex left. I joined an Adult Rock Band class, and ended up forming an amateur band with a couple of guys there. I played in that band for 5 years and it really was my saving grace during that time. Really helped to have a challenge outside my divorce to focus on too. My exH thought HE was the musician in the family because he could play a dozen Neil Young songs on the acoustic guitar, but now I'M the one who has toured with my BFF who is a professional singer songwriter and played in NYC Central Park 2 years ago in a festival with many famous musicians from my youth. So neener neener neener to my ex!

[Oceangl]

It's good though to be able to hold your head high and know that you've been true to yourself. You've certainly done this as a marathon going back to 2016.

Welcome to the slower moving side.

I do also think it's a load of hooey that "kids are resilient". And your's have gone through this at a very vulnerable age. As we always say - thank heavens that there's at least one sane parent.

Hopefully he'll soon be out from underfoot - I understand that Hefty makes lovely matching luggage. I see that they have both a 42 gallon and 55 gallon "contractor" set

Thanks, Andrew, I needed that laugh today! I do have some good days, but today is not one of them. The stbx is missing a sensitivity chip, so it can be hard. One day, I think I have a handle on it, and on another day, I think I never will! Thank goodness for good friends. And for learning to take care of myself as best as possible.

[Oceangl]

KML - thanks for all your thoughts. I live in a state where things are divided 50/50. We also have an option to divorce through a "collaborative" process. So we each have a lawyer to guide us, but there is also a neutral financial facilitator and a neutral facilitator who guides us through making a parenting plan and covering the non-financial areas. It makes the process shorter and less expensive.

I am just learning about my best options. Trying to sort through it and figure out in the long-term what is best. Today is a hard day (it seems like it always is when he returns from out of town), and trying to process this experience and all the decisions is not easy. Perhaps because I am more at the beginning of it. We bought our house on a short sale, and it is not too far from being paid off. So I need to look at all the options and figure out the wisest.

We have not told our kids yet still. I want to do it sooner, but he wants to wait until he knows exactly what is going to happen and what it will look like. That's really hard on me. I want to do what is healthy for my kids, but I also want to make sure my own emotional health is important also. I mean, the whole thing is awful no matter what. There's no real way to pretty it up.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

[Elbereth]

Lessons I learned?
1) I have peace in my heart knowing I did everything possible to repair my marriage.
2) I now know that nothing I did would have changed the outcome, this was about my ex and his issues.
3) Someone who can lie to your face while carrying on an affair has a character defect that likely shows up in other places and may never be fixed anyway.

This ^^ is golden and what I am trying to get to myself.

Oceangl, I'm glad you are using lawyers and a financial person. You may want to check out the financial course I am doing by Michelle Smith for divorced/divorcing women. I'm feeling more empowered about what decisions I can make for my future.

Hang in there...sending hugs your way. (((Oceangl)))