Which changed yesterday when I asked for a divorce.
I am sorry SaltyDog but you will be so much better off down the road.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
During this time I also started talking to an old friend on Facebook - my age and single. It is nothing romantic and I don't expect it ever to be, but the thing that also helped push me over the edge was talking with someone who was nice. Who seems interested in what I have to say. Who was happy and positive.
I wish every LBS could get a glimpse of this in their situation.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
She said sure and then a bit later responded asking if I wanted to talk because I was going to ask for a divorce and I said Yes. She says OK, and says she's sorry we didn't work out, again still wants to be friends, and all that good stuff.
Dude your W is a kook.
Make the necessary financial restrictions. Do not fund her affairs. Onward and upwards my friend.
Which changed yesterday when I asked for a divorce.
I am sorry SaltyDog but you will be so much better off down the road.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
During this time I also started talking to an old friend on Facebook - my age and single. It is nothing romantic and I don't expect it ever to be, but the thing that also helped push me over the edge was talking with someone who was nice. Who seems interested in what I have to say. Who was happy and positive.
I wish every LBS could get a glimpse of this in their situation.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
She said sure and then a bit later responded asking if I wanted to talk because I was going to ask for a divorce and I said Yes. She says OK, and says she's sorry we didn't work out, again still wants to be friends, and all that good stuff.
Dude your W is a kook.
Make the necessary financial restrictions. Do not fund her affairs. Onward and upwards my friend.
Thanks LH - I appreciate all the time and help you gave me. And you're right about getting that glimpse - it's like eating tofu every day and thinking it is good and then someone comes along and gives you bacon. And she is a kook. She isn't the woman I married anymore.
SD, sorry things didn't return out, but you can move forward with your head held high that you gave out time and energy. And can move on without regrets.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SD, sorry things didn't return out, but you can move forward with your head held high that you gave out time and energy. And can move on without regrets.
Thank you and you are 100% correct. I have a clear conscience I did all I could. Which is funny because through all that work to try and save things I ended up coming out the other end not wanting to. If I didn't do that, and was still who I was back in December, I'd likely feel like I lost a good thing because I was just focused on saving the marriage. It wasn't a marriage worth saving.
The train to crazy-town has arrived at the station. All-aboard!!!
We went to lunch yesterday to discuss things and it started out very nice. Both of us were sad and hurting, but we also still felt that closeness that comes with being with someone for so long. As we are discussing some of the details I share how I've looked at different places to rent and where they are at. She is shocked. She was thinking we'd get another place together that is bigger than the studio and keep the nesting arrangement so the kids won't have to go back and forth. She used to go back and forth as a kid and I know she absolutely hated it, but it never occurred to me if we were divorcing that we'd continue that! Obviously things go sour from there. She tells me I'm being selfish, putting myself ahead of the kids, she can't afford the house or handle the upkeep, etc. etc. I basically shrug my shoulders and tell her I can't keep things the way they are and that I need to move on and start fresh. She says "So you want to erase me!" And again I'm left wondering WTF is going on? Of course I don't want to "erase" her, but it isn't like I still want her to be a part of my life beyond kids/parenting. That's what a divorce is. She says "why do we have to do what everyone else does?" I say "because that is what is needed to move forward!"
Anyway, we go back home and sit in the car talking, she calms down, acknowledges she's having a tough time with my new boundaries, and things are good again. She invites me to stay for dinner, end up spending the night, and things end on a nice note. Wake up this morning - and she's already mad at me. LOL! She's resentful of my boundaries, all that good stuff. We end up going to the studio to start breaking things down and figuring out who gets what. End up talking again - angry words, sad words, apologies, crying, etc. We come to an agreement that things don't have to happen NOW, we can take time and work things out without being angry, and come up with the best plan for all parties moving forward.
I get the feeling it's gonna be a bumpy ride. She is NOT liking the boundaries and it is much easier for me to enforce them with my current mindset of "it's over, I'm done" than my previous one that always held onto the lingering hope of things working out. The only thing that worries me is things going from amicable to contentious. We have agreed 100x to keep things amicable and to do what's best for the kids, but seeing her volatility over the past few days has me worried. I'm not going to give in or change my boundaries over fear of pissing her off, it just is giving me some anxiety.
Sounds like she is continuing to manipulate you. Nobody likes boundaries. So before you disappeared for awhile you were never going to the apartment and you caved. So I’m concerned you will cave again due to your anxiety. Everyone agrees to keep it amicable in the beginning. Sometimes is does sometimes it doesn’t. Not sure why you slept over I guess you’re a glutton for punishment. She’s going to drag this out as long as she can see she can continue to eat cake.
The train to crazy-town has arrived at the station. All-aboard!!!
We went to lunch yesterday to discuss things and it started out very nice. Both of us were sad and hurting, but we also still felt that closeness that comes with being with someone for so long. As we are discussing some of the details I share how I've looked at different places to rent and where they are at. She is shocked. She was thinking we'd get another place together that is bigger than the studio and keep the nesting arrangement so the kids won't have to go back and forth. She used to go back and forth as a kid and I know she absolutely hated it, but it never occurred to me if we were divorcing that we'd continue that! Obviously things go sour from there. She tells me I'm being selfish, putting myself ahead of the kids, she can't afford the house or handle the upkeep, etc. etc. I basically shrug my shoulders and tell her I can't keep things the way they are and that I need to move on and start fresh. She says "So you want to erase me!" And again I'm left wondering WTF is going on? Of course I don't want to "erase" her, but it isn't like I still want her to be a part of my life beyond kids/parenting. That's what a divorce is. She says "why do we have to do what everyone else does?" I say "because that is what is needed to move forward!"
Anyway, we go back home and sit in the car talking, she calms down, acknowledges she's having a tough time with my new boundaries, and things are good again. She invites me to stay for dinner, end up spending the night, and things end on a nice note. Wake up this morning - and she's already mad at me. LOL! She's resentful of my boundaries, all that good stuff. We end up going to the studio to start breaking things down and figuring out who gets what. End up talking again - angry words, sad words, apologies, crying, etc. We come to an agreement that things don't have to happen NOW, we can take time and work things out without being angry, and come up with the best plan for all parties moving forward.
I get the feeling it's gonna be a bumpy ride. She is NOT liking the boundaries and it is much easier for me to enforce them with my current mindset of "it's over, I'm done" than my previous one that always held onto the lingering hope of things working out. The only thing that worries me is things going from amicable to contentious. We have agreed 100x to keep things amicable and to do what's best for the kids, but seeing her volatility over the past few days has me worried. I'm not going to give in or change my boundaries over fear of pissing her off, it just is giving me some anxiety.
This is another reason I'm not a fan of nesting. Sets a bad precedent. If I were you I would not budge on that. Nesting is not sustainable. I agree with you that to start fresh that needs to end. She hated going back and forth as a kid, but I guarantee of her parents would have nested she would have hated that too. Kids hate when their parents divorce, no matter what the arrangement. But their dad being miserable isn't going to improve that any. So you have to do things you want that will make you happy as well.
You're right about a bumpy ride. Anytime she doesn't get what she wants she will flip out. But your pigs, not your farm.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
