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A Message from Michele
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Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: Ginger1] #2917471
04/05/21 01:49 PM
04/05/21 01:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
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KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
You donít have to ghost someone. You can kindly say you arenít ready to date and you apologize. And itís much more unkind to just put someone off until they stop asking. Itís childís games.

Itís also no fair to be on a dating site when you arenít dating. People arenít there for your amusement and void filling. That is whatís most unkind.



I was very implicit AND told this man I was not in any position to be dating and I was taking some time to myself to focus on the divorce.

He was kind in return and said hey, we are not doing anything except getting to know each other. He seemed to have accepted it... but 2 weeks later popped back in and trying to stay in communication. Personally, I think he is just lonely as well and just wants adult companionship. I'm trying NOT to be mean. I'm kind as I can be and just don't accept.

I live in a very small town. There are no women's hike groups... no woman's knit groups. Its crazy how limited my area is. frown

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: CWarrior] #2917472
04/05/21 01:58 PM
04/05/21 01:58 PM
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Posts: 1,702
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KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi KitCat,

I think you mentioned your ex had to work hard to get you, more than once. I wonder if part of you wants that, this is part of your dating ritual, that you need to feel they are trying so hard so you feel secure? I could be totally off-base on that last one! Just an idea to ponder.



I was not interested in my STBXH... Our first date was only because I had tix to a concert during the week and I went through my entire friends list... he was the very last person I asked and he was so excited that I would date him he called in sick to work that night. If anyone knows my STBXH and in the 11yr that followed by H has never called in sick to work EVEN when he has been sick. So I learned over time that he really wanted to spend time with me.

It took a 3 months and a 3rd date before I fell for my H.

Same with pilot. He was nice enough on our first date... still nice on our second date... Honestly it was just nice to date someone from my small town. Most dates on the site are guys 45+min away. It wasn't until our third date that I fell for him... UGH.... and got stuck on him... (FACEPALM).

Anyway I'm not actively dating but I did meet up with a guy I had a date with - we've agreed we both have other things going on in our lives but we like being friendly. We just met up to walk our dogs. It was nice and there was no pressure. He doesn't contact that often - again nice.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: KitCat] #2917485
04/06/21 02:50 PM
04/06/21 02:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,886
Midwest
D
DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,886
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Same with pilot. He was nice enough on our first date... still nice on our second date... Honestly it was just nice to date someone from my small town. Most dates on the site are guys 45+min away. It wasn't until our third date that I fell for him... UGH.... and got stuck on him... (FACEPALM)..

So let me go way out on a limb here with a wild guess... did sex happen on this third date where you inexplicably fell for him? Be honest! It might help to provide some much needed insight into whatís happened to you. It would very much explain why you got stuck on him.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: DonH] #2917491
04/06/21 05:36 PM
04/06/21 05:36 PM
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KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by KitCat
Same with pilot. He was nice enough on our first date... still nice on our second date... Honestly it was just nice to date someone from my small town. Most dates on the site are guys 45+min away. It wasn't until our third date that I fell for him... UGH.... and got stuck on him... (FACEPALM)..

So let me go way out on a limb here with a wild guess... did sex happen on this third date where you inexplicably fell for him? Be honest! It might help to provide some much needed insight into whatís happened to you. It would very much explain why you got stuck on him.



NOPE.

I did not sleep with either my STBXH or pilot on the 3rd date (or before....)

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: KitCat] #2917581
04/09/21 03:05 PM
04/09/21 03:05 PM
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KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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So its been wonderful having the puppy again... I'm exhausted for sure but he is such a good boy. Rambunctious for sure. I know the other dog and I are definitely going to miss him.

The plan is to enjoy the next 72hr. While work has been crazy busy I have this weekend off so fingers crossed for good weather where I can walk both dogs and just enjoy being his nuttiness.

With that said I think I've handled these two weeks pretty well.

7 days into having the dog.. STBXH texted asking how the dog was... REALLY?? You are in HI on a dreamy vacation with her and you need to ask about the dog??? Let's face it I'm the most qualified pet sitter you could have - I can handle any and every pet problem that could possibly arise. And, if there was a pet emergency I would have informed him.

So I know it was just a reason to text... he has NEVER gone more than 9 days in over a year without some reason for contact.

Right or wrong rather than text I just sent 2 pictures of the puppy living his best life playing in a huge mud puddle out in the woods... AND, that was it.

Then 2 days later he texted me "happy birthday"... eh' no reason to reply to that.

Then 2 days later he texted - "was there anything I wanted from HI?" SERIOUSLY??? You are vacationing on your favorite place on earth with OW and you can't stop texting me?

I really wanted to be snarky and say "my husband, I'd like you to bring back my husband from HI"... when I was sharing that with a friend I could help but to be belly laughing out loud at that. What am I supposed to say???

Granted he may just want to bring me something nice for pet sitting for 2 weeks. I 100% did this for the dog AND not for him, but did save him over $1500 in boarding fees and provided much better care than he would have gotten. However, we were together for over a decade. He knows what I like and love for that matter. A silly Sea Turtle trinket would have made my day (he knows I love sea turtles.)

So what was the point in asking??? To remind me that he is living his best life in HI and I'm not???

I put on my big girl pants and realized that he just thinks we are the best of friends. I simply responded hours later "Kona coffee, lilikoi butter, and a dole whip". The latter is not remotely possible but an inside joke.

He responded with a meme and letting me know the Dole Whip didn't last to the car. He never sends memes. Why is trying to joke with me when he is supposed to be with her in a beautiful romantic location???

Anyway BOTTOM LINE - I don't care. It means nothing to me but it helps to journal out my thoughts and how I'm getting through things. I'm literally more focusing on doing things this weekend than the fact he keeps texting me while on vacation.

I just find it humorous... completely humorous because when we were in HI he was most certainly was not texting anyone else especially his ex. He was completely focused on me and the kids the entire time.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: KitCat] #2917582
04/09/21 03:19 PM
04/09/21 03:19 PM
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JosephS Offline
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Maybe he just missed the dog and wanted to check in? A lot of people think of their dogs as children. If my mom was watching my kids while I was on vacation Iíd ask how they are.

I think he was just being polite saying happy birthday.

Maybe just wanted to be friendly or bring you something for saving him $1500.

I donít think heís spending his vacation wondering about you or contacting you. I think heís trying to be friends. Worse case heís just rubbing it in your face heís on a beautiful vacation and...well your not.

Hope you have a great rest of your time with both dogs and the weather holds out.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: KitCat] #2917583
04/09/21 03:37 PM
04/09/21 03:37 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I really wanted to be snarky and say "my husband, I'd like you to bring back my husband from HI".

The same H who use to verbally and physically abuse you?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: JosephS] #2917584
04/09/21 03:41 PM
04/09/21 03:41 PM
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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by JosephS
Maybe he just missed the dog and wanted to check in? A lot of people think of their dogs as children. If my mom was watching my kids while I was on vacation Iíd ask how they are.

I think he was just being polite saying happy birthday.

Maybe just wanted to be friendly or bring you something for saving him $1500.

I donít think heís spending his vacation wondering about you or contacting you. I think heís trying to be friends. Worse case heís just rubbing it in your face heís on a beautiful vacation and...well your not.

Hope you have a great rest of your time with both dogs and the weather holds out.


I hear what you are saying.

Its just in over the 10yr we've known each he NEVER was concerned about our dogs when we were on vaca and had a pet sitter and he was very attached to our lab at the time.

These are just observations.

Ultimately, after the joke I made with a friend when his text came through I haven't given anything any weight.

He will be here Monday for the dog. I will already have everything outside and waiting on him so our interaction will take less than 5 minutes.

When he dropped off the dog he drug everything out and it took like 40min when it should have taken less than 10min... and no he was not sad about leaving the dog. He wasn't paying attention to the dog during that 40min... and he tried to follow me into my house but I cut it short and said see ya and didn't let him inside.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: KitCat] #2917585
04/09/21 03:50 PM
04/09/21 03:50 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Why don't you send him a text and ask him if he is having second thoughts? End all this pointless speculation.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD pt 29 [Re: LH19] #2917589
04/09/21 04:58 PM
04/09/21 04:58 PM
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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
I really wanted to be snarky and say "my husband, I'd like you to bring back my husband from HI".

The same H who use to verbally and physically abuse you?


I said I was being Snarky...

And no, I would take STBXH back unless he showed serious work and dedication to his issues/triggers.

I'm working on keeping my side of the street clean.

TBH I have seen and heard in our brief passings that he has acknowledged some of his issues and he is looking into addressing PTSD. That's a lot of progress for him.

I'm not a hateful person and I wish him the best.

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