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Originally Posted by KitCat
Last night in my exhausted frustration I mentioned the gutter issue and that my ceiling guy just disappeared... This am I woke up to a text stating how he is in my area daily with a truck full of tools and he can fix nearly anything.

Oh, KitCat.

((Hugs))

You called out for a rescuer. One appeared. You don't need a rescuer.

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Hmmm. Pilot was never over? You were ready for him.

Last edited by LH19; 04/01/21 08:45 PM.
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It's April 1st! I challenge you to totally stop interacting with Pilot, this guy, and anyone else on or from dating sites (Tinder, Bumble, Match, etc.) for <Your-Age> days. My 3-month break has been life-changing. You don't even have to burn bridges. "Hi, I'm taking a break from folks I met on dating sites. Talk when I return!"

No dates. No hookups. No rescues. Strong KitCat showing off her power!

Get over the hump. You have a problem--you break it into little pieces and solve it. You're lonely--be good company to yourself (music, food, etc.) or get social with others you'd never date due to gender or age.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Hmmm. Pilot was never over? You were ready for him.


????

I'm not sure what that means....

I have not contacted pilot in 6 weeks now...

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
It's April 1st! I challenge you to totally stop interacting with Pilot, this guy, and anyone else on or from dating sites (Tinder, Bumble, Match, etc.) for <Your-Age> days. My 3-month break has been life-changing. You don't even have to burn bridges. "Hi, I'm taking a break from folks I met on dating sites. Talk when I return!"

No dates. No hookups. No rescues. Strong KitCat showing off her power!

Get over the hump. You have a problem--you break it into little pieces and solve it. You're lonely--be good company to yourself (music, food, etc.) or get social with others you'd never date due to gender or age.



I thought I did DO that... but this guy keeps popping up as well as one other one.

I did meet someone on a dating site who I would not ever date... he is 10yr younger. He seems nice and fun. Can I be social with him since I would not ever date him due to the age difference?

Frankly, most of my interactions these days are just texts anyways... work is pretty busy.

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It’s a dating site. People are there to date.

Someone can only keep popping up if you allow them to

Last edited by Ginger1; 04/02/21 06:03 PM.
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s a dating site. People are there to date.

Someone can only keep popping up if you allow them to


True.... I guess I'm just WAY too soft. I just know how much it hurt me to be ghosted and I just want to make sure I'm not guilty of doing that to someone else....

I feel that if I keep putting them off enough they will eventually stop asking???

Thank goodness work is busy and I've got the puppy. No extra time to focus on anything but myself.

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You don’t have to ghost someone. You can kindly say you aren’t ready to date and you apologize. And it’s much more unkind to just put someone off until they stop asking. It’s child’s games.

It’s also no fair to be on a dating site when you aren’t dating. People aren’t there for your amusement and void filling. That is what’s most unkind.

Make some female friends. I’m joining a female only hiking group. I realized you can find lots of local groups on FB. I signed up for a full moon nighttime guided kayak tour on the Hudson.

You knit, join a knitting club.

Leading guys on a dating site isn’t the only way to socialize you know......

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Hi KitCat,

I read yesterday while I was on a summit and wanted to reply but it wasn't the time. :p

Originally Posted by KitCat
I just know how much it hurt me to be ghosted and I just want to make sure I'm not guilty of doing that to someone else....

Well, don't Ghost! The message I proposed, "Hi, I'm taking a break from folks I met on dating sites. Talk when I return!" tells them you're done talking, it's not about them, and you will reach out later. Kind and up-front.

If after communicating that--and no replies yourself--they text more than to acknowledge the message or check-in very occasionally, you know they aren't the type to respect boundaries. Red flag. Block them.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I feel that if I keep putting them off enough they will eventually stop asking???

No. Psychologically, intermittently rewarding them with responses is a turn-on. See Pavlov.


Originally Posted by KitCat
I guess I'm just WAY too soft.

It's soft, but in a way that's unkind to them, flattering to you. They joined the site to date. You then told them your roof woes and they offered a truck. They're continuing to work on you TO GET A DATE. If you know you don't want to date, then a clear message stating that and dropping communication is kindest. When you do want to date, "Hey guy! I enjoyed our two dates. I'd like another and see what happens."

I think you mentioned your ex had to work hard to get you, more than once. I wonder if part of you wants that, this is part of your dating ritual, that you need to feel they are trying so hard so you feel secure? I could be totally off-base on that last one! Just an idea to ponder.


Originally Posted by KitCat
I did meet someone on a dating site who I would not ever date... he is 10yr younger. He seems nice and fun. Can I be social with him since I would not ever date him due to the age difference?

Bad idea, feeding into the desire to be flattered.

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As Ginger said, there are a gazillion ways to meet people that don't involve dating sites. For me, that's included existing connections, social media groups, and strava (a fitness app--may not be too helpful if you're not into fitness). There's also meetup. It's easy when you're not dating because it's okay if the group is full of 20-somethings or 50-somethings, male or female, married or single. In many groups there's even a stigma to heavily flirting with or asking out group members you don't know well.

You may not be willing to date him because he's 10yrs younger, but how did you match? On most sites, it's because they found you attractive. I get that feels good. Strong KitCat doesn't need that. She's a powerful, independent woman who doesn't need any ego boost or attention to fill some void. If she knows she's not interested because he's 10yrs younger, she closes the match and adjusts her filters.

I used to have narrow filters based on age and physical characteristics, but meeting great people IRL outside my filters has made me question if I really want to filter on "height" or would rather filter on values like loyalty, compassion, determination, and sexuality. If I'm attracted? If I feel good around them and they bring out the best in me? My "criteria" is a work in progress. We'll see!

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