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Previous Thread : https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2915770#Post2915770

Originally Posted by BluWave
KC,

I have only loosely followed your thread. I do recall a conversation where posters (and perhaps you?) speculated if you had some personality disordered tendencies. I was really impressed at the way you handled yourself and received those comments. You were not overly defensive, like many would be. It is all too often that we throw out these terms here -- narcissist, borderline, histrionic, etc -- and I have probably been guilty of that too. The thing is, none of us here are psychiatrists AND sitting in an office with a more objective assessment, so it's easy to throw those terms around but we could be very wrong. I am not even sure how much those labels matter. What I do know about these disorders is that they are incredibly hard to treat. I think the reason for that is because a large part of the pathological thinking includes a lack of insight to the self.

All of that said, and where I am going here, is that I do not view you that way. You seem to have good insight into yourself and your behavior! You are fully able to admit what you are doing and how it's a mistake. And you do have the power to change that. I am sure it's not easy, but you can. You don't have to beat yourself up for it and wallow in regret. You can accept it and then set it free. You can recondition your thought patterns and behaviors. I do agree with others tho that it might require some professional help. I have never been the person that thinks that therapy is the solution to all problems. I think there is a wide spectrum of how skilled counselors are and also what sort of things they really can help with.

Now that you are starting to identify what your patterns of thinking/behaviors are, why not search for someone that is highly skilled in this area? It really could be life changing for you and your future relationships. Maybe? Maybe not? But I doubt it could hurt you. You deserve to be your best self, we all do.

Blu


Blu - Thank you. I appreciate your insightful and kind comments.

UGH... I do sort through a lot of my whys in my choices. I admit I have terrible impulse control. Its a strange mix. I'm a horribly shy person. Painfully shy my entire life!!! I got set up on a date with a guy I knew a little of for a dance in high school - was a friends cousin and we double dated. I did not say a single word to the guy the entire night. I listened and smiled but did not utter a word. I had a great time! Dear lord what an awful experience for him!

In college as a freshman I worked in cafeteria in my dorm. I was always pleasant. Did my job happily even when on the dish washing line on mashed potato night (and for those of you who may not know... it was typical for college kids to find humor in pasting plates together with mashed potatos which is a pain in butt to get them apart!!!). However, I never spoke much outside of my roommate who also worked there. In my second year I was clearly more comfortable and had a few more friends that worked that and I was a lot more talkative and funny! I made even more friends and they each told me how wrong they were about me... they all thought I was stuck up and snobby. They never realized I was just THAT shy.

What a terrible mixed message to the guy I was dating. Here I am going out to dinner. Listening a lot because he talked a lot. I did talk. I added things to the conversation but perhaps he felt he was not getting enough about me??? But, here I am texting him quite a bit and very sexy pics... that he would imply or ask for. I'm being a very sexual person but he kept referring to me as "Miss Quiet" or "I wish you would talk to me". That had to be very confusing to him and leaving him feeling that I was not interested in him when I was very much so. I was getting to the point of being more comfortable and open with him when all this imploded in a bad way. I can see now that my walls were still WAY up... I was just in the beginning of my journey in letting go of my M. I'm trying to accept that this was doomed anyway as in just in the natural part of my journey the first few relationships I will enter will post M are just filling some hole in my prior life and won't have the sustainability long term... in other words I'm still learning who I am and my own issues played a role in my M.

As for my impulse control... it has been seriously fun at times!!! I mean over a decade ago before meeting my H I randomly friend this guy on Myspace... many states away who ends up having a best friend not to far from me. We had a lot of great conversations in addition I ended up friending his local friend. In just less than 2mo found an excuse to travel to his state for work. Originally I was supposed to stay at his house but at the last minute he began exclusively dating a girl so that would have been awkward having some chick you met on the internet crashing at your house. So I got a hotel room. We hung out and went hiking, visited museums. I went and did my work related stuff. I traveled on my own to visit some local spots and drive the coastline. His friend who lived near me stayed in touch and set me up for dinner and drinks at a few places. I just had to go in and give his name and I was taken care of! It was a great adventure. And too this day I'm still friends with the guy and we chat a few times a month over a decade later.

However there is clearly a dark side to my impulse control issues. My logical brain knows that I need to leave this guy alone and respect his space. He made a choice about me based on his feelings of the situation - of course I feel his opinion of me is wrong. I get it. The mixed messages... I'm still married... he feels disappointed with my lack of empathy... UGH. But, my impulsive side is like if I can be funny and make him laugh because he does have a good sense of humor... if I can inquire and state "hey I saw X breed of dog and it made me think of how yours is doing"... that he will see he wasn't correct in how he thought about me. So I'm telling myself that by contacting him I am not respecting him is my logical brain and at the very same time my impulsive brain is typing him a message.

I get it... all I am telling him is that I'm overbearing, rude, stalkerish, etc. He isn't realizing that I'm a kind compassionate person at all. ((facepalm)). He is regretting ever meeting me. So then my impulsive brain wants to follow up with an apology and suggest just being friends... but my logical brain knows the best apology is to leave him alone. I think my logical brain finally has a firm grasp on the situation over my impulsive brain.

I sincerely regret when he last contacted me I just didn't say "I hear you". "I apologize if you felt I was not showing interest in you because I very much was interested, but I understand how you feel". AND NEVER EVER CONTACTED HIM AGAIN. That would have been showing him that I value myself very well. Instead I vomited my feelings and my situation all over him in a text message --- UGH.

At the very least I was able to take more of my focus off my H and my impending D for a period of time. But, the downside of the implosion is that right back to questioning a few things.

I went to church with my MIL yesterday. She had been asking me for months to go and long story short there was an odd visit to my office by a women who felt she was there to give me a message... etc. So rather than stay at home OR go on yet another date I went to visit my MIL.

We went to lunch afterwards. We chatted about all kinds of things. I NEVER mention my STBXH and she is careful too for the most part. She stated how much she appreciated all that I did for my SD19. We talked about SS21 and S19. We talked alot about SD19. Our worries and concerns for her and her poor relationship with her dad.

That's when it happened... she let it slip that OW's daughter thought the world of STBXH and how this girl and her seriously disabled sister where living with their mother and my STBXH. The disabled daughter is in the basement and the other daughter is in the attic. That is a 950sq foot house with 4 adults in it... And, my STBXH is convinced his S21 is going to move in with him when he out of the service - so 5 people living there?? YIKES. I'm certain SS21 is NOT going to want to live in that situation. Previously, OW did not have custody of any of her children. they lived with her XH and she only had a 1 bedroom apt.

Either way I have known in my heart that STBXH was living with OW even though as a month ago he is still trying to tell me he lives alone... WHY?? He is also trying to tell me he is going to HI alone and that is also a lie... WHY???

I live in a no fault state. what he does has no bearing on the D.

What is his motivation to lie???

He also still does not have an atty so he texts me once a week for updates... I ignore half of them but guilt sinks in and I end up texting him.

QUESTION: So here's a situation: We have a court date coming up next month. Its just a status hearing... nothing else. I will NOT be attending. My atty can handle it. STBXH texted me earlier this month that he was on his way to my town... then texted oops he made a mistake and the court date is next month. I'm totally confused because he does not need to drive to my town for court... its a zoom meeting and the court letter has a link for the zoom meeting. Do I tell him that he needs to use the zoom link and not drive to my town... or is this not my circus not my monkeys thing and let him F it up??? The guilt is eating at me that I know that he is going to be making a mistake and he would end up missing the court date. But, again I'm no longer mothering him... that was the old me.

And if you've made to the end of my ramblings today you deserve a gold star!!!! PEACE AND LOVE

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A disco ball is hundreds of pieces of broken glass put together to make a magical ball of light... I'm not broken... I'm a disco ball!!!! smile

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Originally Posted by KitCat
STBXH texted me earlier this month that he was on his way to my town... then texted oops he made a mistake and the court date is next month. I'm totally confused because he does not need to drive to my town for court... its a zoom meeting and the court letter has a link for the zoom meeting. Do I tell him that he needs to use the zoom link and not drive to my town... or is this not my circus not my monkeys thing and let him F it up??? The guilt is eating at me that I know that he is going to be making a mistake and he would end up missing the court date. But, again I'm no longer mothering him... that was the old me.

Hi KitCat,

You are not his mother, his partner, or his friend so I would leave him be to figure his own life out. He is also not a good influence on your life, a person who drives you towards beings your best KitCat.

Originally Posted by KitCat
WHY???

We'll never know with perfect clarity, not now, not twenty years from now. This is a question we all must let go of after a breakup. Learn what we can from the past, then leave it to exist only in the past.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm trying to accept that this was doomed anyway as in just in the natural part of my journey the first few relationships I will enter will post M are just filling some hole in my prior life and won't have the sustainability long term... in other words I'm still learning who I am and my own issues played a role in my M

I'm not sure I agree with this framing. I think your relationships may be "doomed" until you take the time to figure out how to fill your hole without romantic partners (your ex-husband, pilot, or random dates), until you take the time to figure out what attracts you to men with anger issues so you don't do that again. I'm drinking my own kool-aid. I'm not dating, trying to figure out how to fill my holes, trying to figure out how not to be attracted to women who are critical of me. I should be attracted to more compassionate partners! Sending ((hugs)) your way. Your 2x4s and support have been very helpful. I wish you well. Take care!

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
You are not his mother, his partner, or his friend so I would leave him be to figure his own life out. He is also not a good influence on your life, a person who drives you towards beings your best KitCat.


I'd generally agree, but not if it's going to drag things out if the court date gets postponed because he misses it. A short text with a link to the zoom meeting might not be a bad idea.

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Originally Posted by harvey
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You are not his mother, his partner, or his friend so I would leave him be to figure his own life out. He is also not a good influence on your life, a person who drives you towards beings your best KitCat.


I'd generally agree, but not if it's going to drag things out if the court date gets postponed because he misses it. A short text with a link to the zoom meeting might not be a bad idea.


I'm wracked with guilt for sure.

On one hand I a not his mother. He has moved on and has OW.

On the other I am a being a good person??? Am I someone that I'd want in my own life because I respect the morals and values I have?

The court date is just a status update. Letting the judge know we are moving from Legal S to D. Unless he is contesting it I don't think missing it is an issue. I told him 2 months ago I would NOT be attending.

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He's a big boy, all grown up. And has been through a D before, right? You are not his baby-sitter/personal assistant. I'd let him deal with it and wouldn't remind him of a single thing.


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Originally Posted by CWarrior


Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm trying to accept that this was doomed anyway as in just in the natural part of my journey the first few relationships I will enter will post M are just filling some hole in my prior life and won't have the sustainability long term... in other words I'm still learning who I am and my own issues played a role in my M

I'm not sure I agree with this framing. I think your relationships may be "doomed" until you take the time to figure out how to fill your hole without romantic partners (your ex-husband, pilot, or random dates), until you take the time to figure out what attracts you to men with anger issues so you don't do that again. I'm drinking my own kool-aid. I'm not dating, trying to figure out how to fill my holes, trying to figure out how not to be attracted to women who are critical of me. I should be attracted to more compassionate partners! Sending ((hugs)) your way. Your 2x4s and support have been very helpful. I wish you well. Take care!


Well I don't buy into that completely.

I've read a couple of highly recommend books on D. Both state to expect that early relationships will not usually be more than short lived for many reasons... one of which is just due to your own growth and moving forward and sometimes filling those holes that life creates.

I don't think its wrong to accept that or acknowledge that...

Everyone has heard of rebound relationships. They seem so perfect but later implode due to unrealistic emotional issues that led to the rebound relationship.

Additionally not everyone you ever date will be long term whether you've been in a serious relationship, marriage or not. You might date someone for 3 months or a year and still not want to commit to them or realize that your personal growth has led you to see what it is you did or did not want in a long term partner. Additionally these are things on YOUR end of the partnership... your partner may be going through their own things in life leading to just a short term relationship.

I don't feel its a faulty sense of self at all to accept that I will most likely have a few short term relationships before finding someone more ideal for myself. The key is to not maliciously enter into these relationships and I not disputing I still have a lot more healing to do for myself.

Based on the book I reached out to two men that I have casually been dating and simply stated that I've probably started this dating process a little too early. I pointed out what great characteristics they each had and thanked them for allowing me the chance to know them. This is a mature way to handle the ending of a relationship (and NOT the ghosting that was done to me.)

Interestingly enough both men in their own way thought I was wonderful and that neither felt misled (they knew my marital status upfront). Both offered support, expressed wanting me to check in and hoped to remain on good terms with me over time. I really liked that. I felt good about myself in my honesty and putting myself first and I was very much respected for that.

I could be friends with both. And, its good to have friends. Romantic interests are put on the back burner now.

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Originally Posted by SteveLW
He's a big boy, all grown up. And has been through a D before, right? You are not his baby-sitter/personal assistant. I'd let him deal with it and wouldn't remind him of a single thing.


Thanks for you input!

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Ok so I have a different take. This is where your unpredictable behavior will frustrate your STBXH.

Are you puppy buddies who occasionally text, joke and exchange your life experiences or are you the stbxw who has been abused, cheated on etc. and value yourself too much to let him in your life?

If you are going to be the first then let him know. If you are going to be the latter then don’t let him know.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Ok so I have a different take. This is where your unpredictable behavior will frustrate your STBXH.

Are you puppy buddies who occasionally text, joke and exchange your life experiences or are you the stbxw who has been abused, cheated on etc. and value yourself too much to let him in your life?

If you are going to be the first then let him know. If you are going to be the latter then don’t let him know.


There in lies the crux...

The good person in me... wants to let him know...

The hurt person in me... say F it...

Do I work on personal growth and continue to be that good person inside of me OR do I let the hurt person win??? Regardless of how he has treated me - cheating, the on going lying. Its reflection on my character and not his right?

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