Not surprising you are not detached it takes a really long time and just comes naturally. You can speed up the process by avoiding those situations. If I had a nickel for every LBS who did the dinner thing and thought things were like normal I would have retired by now. The good news she doesn’t feel pressure from you. The bad news is you are slotted yourself into the friend zone. Your response should have been “can’t have plans gotta run”.
Prepare for the fact that there is another man in the picture that she panty upgraded for and right now you are a slot filler when she has free time. You need to decide if you are ok with that role.
Yeah, I don't want to be slot filler. I need to avoid the friend zone stuff and just do my own thing. While it felt sort of good to be sort of normal, it just was ultimately unsatisfying. Knowing that will help me avoid it.
I am not sure if she actively has an OM, she hasn't left the house since I've been back earlier this week other than to drop off the kids for daycare and stuff. In her spare time she has mostly just been watching TV by herself. I really did expect, when she said on Wednesday that the kids would be gone for the weekend, that she would be gone starting yesterday afternoon. I'm sure she would be open to an OM, but if she doesn't go out tonight that would be curious. This may be naive wishful thinking, and of course any number of things could be happening on her phone.
Back to me, I enjoyed being outside in good weather this morning. There are a bunch of state parks and things around here, I will probably do this more often.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
It doesn’t sound like a terrible setback, just a learning experience.
Glad you had a wonderful time in the state park! It’s hard to go wrong with physical activity outdoors. At least for me, it improves both my physical health and my mental state.
W did not go out on Saturday night. However, Saturday afternoon she asked if I wanted to watch some TV with her. So I did for a bit. Bad decision. Out of the corner of my eye I see she keeps glancing at her phone and then I can see her typing on what appears to be Bumble. There it is.
I tell her "I'm going to go, you're going to do what you want but I'm not going to sit here in the same room with you while you chat with other guys, I have too much self respect for that." She apologized and said that was fair, she is not sleeping with anyone, she isn't emotionally or physically available to anyone right now, she just likes to talk and there are a lot of nice people who have gone through the same thing. Ok. Definitely a dating app is where you go to talk about your problems, not an IC or something. And I'm sure these guys joined a dating app just looking to have a nice little supportive talk.
If it had ended there it would have been fine, but we ended up in a R talk. It was actually a decent talk for a while but ended up with too much rehashing of stuff. I know exactly how to DB but when I'm in the moment I just don't follow through. I was unhappy and just left and took a long walk. This would have been a good time to GAL but I was really not in the mood, being outside a while cleared my head though.
Lesson learned (AGAIN). Do not hang out as if you're friends. Do not hang out as if you're friends. Nothing good will come of it. This is not going to happen anymore. If I'm home I will hang out with the kids or with myself. I don't need her to help me spend my time.
Yesterday we did not hang out at all. She texted me while I was outside playing with the kids that she is going out on Tuesday and Friday (why she couldn't just tell me, who knows). So I responded that I am going to go out Wednesday and Saturday. So good, I have plans, though I'm not sure what they are yet.
Today I went to IC. It was good to get some things off my chest. We talked a little about detaching and letting go and we agreed that was something I needed to do. I'd like to think I am finally ready. TBH it's a lot harder when you're under the same roof, but I'll get there.
Last edited by mako; 03/29/2104:27 PM.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Sorry man, I know this stuff is difficult and it is easy to know what to do, but harder to DO what you know to do. Been there and done that!
I think as you elude to, that if you had stated your case "I will not sit here while you message other guys" and walked out that would have been fine. Make your case, end the discussion.
Where we as DBers always make our mistake is in saying too much.
Talking RARELY solves anything. This is what I am trying to DBX80 to see. ACTION not words. So many DBers default to the LBS mistake of trying to talk their way out of what they acted their way into. It doesn't work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Out of the corner of my eye I see she keeps glancing at her phone and then I can see her typing on what appears to be Bumble. There it is.
And there it is.
Originally Posted by mako
I tell her "I'm going to go, you're going to do what you want but I'm not going to sit here in the same room with you while you chat with other guys, I have too much self respect for that.
No words necessary. Next time just walk away.
Originally Posted by mako
She apologized and said that was fair, she is not sleeping with anyone, she isn't emotionally or physically available to anyone right now, she just likes to talk and there are a lot of nice people who have gone through the same thing.
Oh yeah. So the new panties aren't for you, I wonder who they can be for? Hmmmm.....
Originally Posted by mako
And I'm sure these guys joined a dating app just looking to have a nice little supportive talk.
spit my coffee
Originally Posted by mako
If it had ended there it would have been fine, but we ended up in a R talk. It was actually a decent talk for a while but ended up with too much rehashing of stuff. I know exactly how to DB but when I'm in the moment I just don't follow through.
This stuff is tough. That is why there are so few recons right away.
Originally Posted by mako
Lesson learned (AGAIN). Do not hang out as if you're friends. Do not hang out as if you're friends. Nothing good will come of it. This is not going to happen anymore. If I'm home I will hang out with the kids or with myself. I don't need her to help me spend my time.
Think of the touching the hot stove analogy.
Originally Posted by mako
Yesterday we did not hang out at all. She texted me while I was outside playing with the kids that she is going out on Tuesday and Friday (why she couldn't just tell me, who knows). So I responded that I am going to go out Wednesday and Saturday. So good, I have plans, though I'm not sure what they are yet.
Great!
Originally Posted by mako
Today I went to IC. It was good to get some things off my chest. We talked a little about detaching and letting go and we agreed that was something I needed to do. I'd like to think I am finally ready. TBH it's a lot harder when you're under the same roof, but I'll get there.
IHS while a spouse is fooling around is soul sucking.
The good news is that you know you will survive. It will take some time.
Sorry man, I know this stuff is difficult and it is easy to know what to do, but harder to DO what you know to do. Been there and done that!
I think as you elude to, that if you had stated your case "I will not sit here while you message other guys" and walked out that would have been fine. Make your case, end the discussion.
Where we as DBers always make our mistake is in saying too much.
Talking RARELY solves anything. This is what I am trying to DBX80 to see. ACTION not words. So many DBers default to the LBS mistake of trying to talk their way out of what they acted their way into. It doesn't work.
Very true. Talk is cheap. W told me that a little while back and she's right. The other spouse doesn't want to hear anything once it gets to this point, so nothing good is going to come out of it anyway.
Originally Posted by LH19
This stuff is tough. That is why there are so few recons right away. ... Think of the touching the hot stove analogy.
Yep. Takes a lot of work and focus. I think touching the stove twice in two days has me covered for a while. I had felt like I was going along pretty decently before this weekend. It's easy to do well for 90some % of the time and then backslide, just gotta get back to it.
Originally Posted by LH19
The good news is that you know you will survive. It will take some time.
This is the benefit of being here once before. I don't know when, but I know at the end of the day it'll be alright.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I bet that was hard. It sometimes takes all our energy to not launch into some version of, "Don't you get it--I love you, that's precious, what are you thinking tossing that out?!" Ironically, the more in their pocket you are, the safer it is for them to explore the single life and OM while still having you as a safety net. Being willing to walk away can simultaneously make you more attractive and reduce their safety net. As you read other threads, you'll see we all goof, but we don't all learn from our goofs. Good job. Chin up!
On the plus side, I think this is actually helping me to let go a bit. As I watch her sit outside with my daughter, merrily typing away, the feelings start to subside a little. And every time she almost runs to the garage when her phone sends a notification the affection seems to deaden ever so slightly. It only takes time I guess.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
