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Hi Elbereth,

Not much to add. Read your update and love all the introspection youre putting in.

Youre doing an excellent job making sense out of a jumble.



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Originally Posted by Elbereth
... but the point of the process they focused on was how it can free you from your own guilt/rage/anger, etc.

Yes. I found forgiving oneself to be the most difficult.

You are pondering really excellent ideas. I believe a private journal will be most helpful for you.

Ive been thinking about your question on how to write the entries. I mentioned factually telling of events. However, I have written a few letters which were never sent and were never meant to be sent. Your idea of writing as if to someone is also a good exercise.

I enjoy reading your posts. You are doing such a fine job of things.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Good Morning El

The online financial course you are taking sounds interesting and most worthwhile. I really like your desire of taking control of your own destiny. And furthering ones knowledge of investments and such will be a very good thing.

Proud of you. Much respect.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Thank you. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and logically, and in the best ways to grow or improve myself.

H has been in and out the last few weeks. Most recently I am not aware of where he is. While he is out, there has been very little to no communication. Unlike before, seemed he was at least sending me at least one chat a day (miscellaneous stuff or family stuff). But during these last two times away, very little. So much for Distance and Pursuit. Seems he's full on in distance mode and accepting of mine.

He did communicate a response to the agreement, that he claims less funds taken were used for his A or in ways that were not in my agreement. He sent all kinds of banking records etc, but nothing showed what really happened versus just spending of his normal income. So I sent that back with comments. In addition, he sent me the paperwork that he started for the D, but hasn't filed yet, along with info on how to file. Very bare on content. One key thing that caught my eye is that he had the date of our marriage wrong. He even totally missed our last anniversary. That was painful. And enlightening. Truth is, it really shows how far away he is at the moment. And how important is is for me to just keep the D process moving along (hoping for the agreement as a start).

Younger son has been coming over later than the normal shift day. Not sure if it's just he's lazy about moving his stuff (it is a process from house to house) or if he has feelings about being here with me when his Dad is not around. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it also happened on our last time...so that has me a bit concerned. But I can't do anything about it except keep my love for him out in the open, and keep the door open. H wants to sell the house in the next few months anyway, and things will change drastically in our living arrangements, so I am trying to not get caught up in the worrying about it. It has been hard as the boys I know love me, but they don't open up to me emotionally like they do with their bio-mom or dad. So it's really hard to know what is going on in their heads about this whole situation. Lastly, I am bothered that H is not always around when his son is here...the days are numbered on when he will be living at home (he's off to college soon) and H should be trying to be with him during his weeks on parenting plan.

Anyway, not much more to journal about right now. One step at a time.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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(((El)))

I don't have a lot to add. You're going through an incredibly painful process but with true grace, dignity, self-awareness, and honor. I am just really impressed and inspired by you.

One thing that caught my eye that was especially impressive is that when you noticed he got the date of your marriage wrong, you acknowledge the hurt-- of course that hurts-- but also are able to not take it personally. You are completely right in that it is just another signal of how lost he is right now.

I know it bothers you that your H isn't being a good dad to your younger son. To me, it would feel like I could take anything, but to do it to your child is enraging... but just like every other aspect of this sitch, you can't do anything about your H's behavior. It is all on him. I think you're doing all you can, being there for him. I guess the only other thing I could possibly recommend would be talking to a child psychologist who has experience in D and see if they have any other suggestions about ways to demonstrate your continued love and presence, and red flags to look for in case things are tough.

Hang in there, E. You've got this.

xoxo May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Elbereth
... but the point of the process they focused on was how it can free you from your own guilt/rage/anger, etc.

Yes. I found forgiving oneself to be the most difficult.


D


So true. You can add me to that list. I found that forgiving myself for the mistakes in my marriage, of which I made many, was harder than it was to forgive her of her indiscretions. Like many LBSs I tried to take all of the blame for what she was doing. It was fine people in this forum and other places that had to remind me that what she was doing was her own fault, and that there were dozens of ways she could have better handled my poor behavior. I think as LBSs we forget that the WAS has no excuse for what they are doing. None. Nothing justifies breaking their own vows and stepping out of the MR and being intimate with someone else. If things are so bad they could try working on the marriage, getting the LBS to see how badly they are behaving, or just going and filing for D. It is so much more admirable for someone to end the marriage before beginning a new R with someone new, but as this forum shows so few WASs do it in that order. Most of the time they have already found someone new before they decide to end their MR. Cart before the horse.

So own your mistakes. Admit them. Learn from them. Resolved to be better and do them no more. But then forgive yourself and move forward!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Oh Elbereth, I hear you on so much of this. I don't want a divorce, but I feel that same itch...if he wants it and has filed, then just rip the band-aid off and get it over with. I need to figure out how to move forward, and maybe I am hearing that in you also. Space to lick wounds and heal. At least this limbo is going in a direction, I guess.

I am not so good at journaling and was thinking about it today, that I need to get better at it. Never did I think I would be writing any of these words down, and yet here we are. I am glad to see you at least thinking of your future and taking the class. I think we have to be proactive and envision a positive future, even if some days are harder than others for me.

You are doing well, it makes my heart happy to see you doing positive things for yourself and making it through this. xo


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Thank you SteveLW, May22, and Oceangl. I am doing my best to take one day at a time, one step at a time, and trying not to get caught up in the little things. And keep the big picture in mind. Yes, Oceangl, I am ready to "rip the bandaid off" and just get it over with. Every day that goes by the itch is getting worse...literally as well as mentally...as all this emotional stress is playing out as an eczema flair-up rash around my neck... He has filled out paperwork, but hadn't filed it...he just passed it to me to look at still thinking that we can do this amicably and without lawyers. I'm not going to settle for that...as he's not even agreed to the post-nup I wanted him to sign for the money he has taken and used towards his A.

Step S18 was moody last night so H and I talked about it last night. H says he's at a loss at what is going on with him and thinks it was some trouble with friends. Yes, the poor kid is already dealing with so much, two households, lost senior year, lost sports, and now parents divorcing. I asked H if he thought the D was also contributing to his moodiness...and he refuses to believe that it will have any effect on S. His selfishness just astounds me. H is like "it will be okay, we all just need to find our own way". Easy for him to say as he's hopping from one life into another of his choosing while the rest of us are forced to deal with a future we didn't want or ask for. But to avoid R talk, I didn't get into it...not sure anything I would have said would have been heard anyway. Poor kid is losing his car (as we losing one car and not getting another one due to the D), he's going to lose his second home (which is much nicer and better than what he has at bio-moms house), and he's already lost a year of his life during his youth. How can he not be affected? I wish S18 would talk to me, but he doesn't share with me his emotions. All I can do is continue like discussed, be there for him however I can be...and show my love and commitment.

I know I am not supposed to stalk the OW, but from social media it appears that her situation is moving along too...where before it appeared the family didn't know, they do now...at least that she wants a D. And she has a son still at home too. Two families destroyed by two selfish people. I feel bad for them too.

I do feel more empowered doing my financial course. I am also starting to try to figure out what assets will be split so that I can also use this new knowledge as part of that process. And setting a real budget for myself and my future. I am also taking time for myself, long walks, and other things I enjoy and working on my resume and portfolio to help ensure I can take care of myself, by myself in my future. But it is hard. I've been emotional and irritated...and just wish I could just skip this hard part and be on my own by now, with everything taken care of for me. Ha! Wishful thinking.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent. And for your kind words and good advice. I am not sure what I would do without this forum.

xo
El

Last edited by Elbereth; 04/06/21 04:56 PM.

Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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Hey El,
So I don't write much on your sitch because every body pretty much has it covered at all times. So there isn't really anything for me to add to it. The only thing I'm going to add because I'm one of very few on here who had to deal with with a non-bio kid with a less than stable bio parent I wasn't in the MR with and less than stable WAS/WS who was the other bio parent. Also my girls are not little. D18 is a senior this year. D17 is a junior.

Girls don't talk as much as you'd like to think they do. They are teenagers first, and girls second. I spent many years in juvenile justice. So dealing with difficult kids is kinda in my nature. I've also been told I have a ridiculous amount of patience. I say this so you know that every convo I had with these girls that I journaled here was preceded and succeeded by many others those were just the fruitful ones.

So the thing about teenagers is they will do their absolute best to appear as if they don't care and that they aren't listening. Sometimes that's true on both counts. Most of the time it's not. Kids hear you. No matter what they hear you. Are they listening or actively listening? More often than not, that's a big fat nope. But what you say does sit in their brain and if you keep saying it over and over and over eventually it clicks. One day it'll go on like a light switch.

I spent a lot of time saying to my girls over and over and over again that I was going to be ok and that they were going to be ok. That H didn't get to determine if we were a family or not. We make that choice. He doesn't get to dictate how we feel about men or relationships. He doesn't get to dictate how we feel about any of this. We get to feel any way we want. We get to be a family if we choose. We get to be sad or angry if we want to. I said over and over how much I loved them and I was there for them in any way. Even if their feelings were messy. Even if they were mad at me for standing. Even if they thought I was door mat. (which they did). Even if they loved him and hated him at the same time. Or me. Or each other. That I was there, zero judgement. The only thing I asked was if I took the time to listen they needed to take the time to listen to me after they spilled their guts. They didn't have to like it. Believe it. Agree with it. They just had to listen.

I had no ability to passively parent either one of them in the middle of this. Especially the one that I didn't give life to. S18 will not spill his guts simply because you ask him to, S20 won't either. Just keep reiterating that you love them. That you will be a family regardless. That your life after D plan has room for them in it. That you will do what you can to be a rock in their life if they need it, and that you want to be a part of their life in what ever capacity they want. And that you understand how complicated and messy that feels right now and if they need distance you understand that too. Don't just do this in actions do this in words too. They won't say much now unless they feel absolutely compelled to. But in time you will likely remain a bonus parent.

As far as OW goes. Don't torture yourself with internet sleuthing. The sooner you can put here in your rearview the better. She isn't worth more emotional energy than your pity.

Last edited by wayfarer; 04/06/21 08:50 PM.
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El, you sound so balanced and strong right now. I think you have been given such excellent advice and also seem like a plucky, growth-minded individual that is going to naturally fill in the gaps (the financial class you are taking has piqued my interest, thanks for sharing).

Apologies for the thread hijack, but I wanted to say thank you to Wayfarer for the absolutely stunning and insightful post. WF, you are such an amazing human being and your wisdom, compassion and beautiful perspective is an honor to read. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and approach, your family is so, so lucky to have you. As are we as readers on this forum.

Hugs to you both.

xx
S

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