One foot in front of the other

[Oceangl]

I am going through the divorce process and my husband is still in the house. He travels a lot for work, which is good. I have gotten better at it. He stays in another room. I think of him as a roommate I tolerate. I try not to be petty or punishing, but I do not act like a friend. I don't do "wifely" things anymore. At night I take my favorite snack to my room and watch something on netflix. I schedule at least two dinners out with friends so that I can get out of the house and clear my head and receive their support. I will leave just to mosey around at TJ Maxx or something and buy something small for the house that makes me happy. The hardest thing for me is that he still comes to family dinner. Ugh. That's painful. But I console myself by reminding myself I am a really good cook and that's going to suck for him when I'm not in his life lol.

You are doing great. This is hard hard heavy stuff. You will be okay. We will be okay. xo

[Elbereth]

Hello Oceangl,

I glanced at some of your sitch and you have had it harder than I do. How hard it is when you sharing a space with someone you love but they act so detached. Isn't it? I find that I hate it when my H is at home, but I also hate it when he is away. Truth is, I still miss the H I fell in love with even thought I know he's been gone for a few years now (that's how far back things started to get bad).

I'm doing my best to have my space. I'm away from the house right now and I have plans tonight and for Friday. Then after the weekend, I will have the house all to myself, at least for a week or so. Like you, I'm a great cook too. But I left him easy foods to make some nights. I'm not going to be the one cooking the whole time like before.

Yeah, this period is hard. But I try to tell myself, it will end. I will get through it. And yes, WE WILL BE OKAY.

(((Oceangl)))

[Elbereth]

Update. Had a convo with my L today. Still hoping to get the agreement signed and then we will start the D process on paper next week. I do hope it stays civil and doesn't get dragged out or super expensive, but I feel I have no choice but to use a L now that H has been taking funds and hiding things from me.

Feeling a bit lighter the last day or so. I think just making the decision to D helps. Even though it's not what I really wanted...I do not want to live like this any longer than I have to. If I am really going to move forward, I want my own place and my own financial freedom to do what I want.

I really wish I could just put everything in storage and go travel for a year. H hated traveling, and I have wanted to do it more. So embracing that would bring me joy as well as distract me from the awful last few years. I would feel empowered and excited to travel. And hell, I'm not getting younger.

[Oceangl]

You sound like you are in a good place, and I love that! IMO, you need a L even in the most amicable situation, just because we aren't well-versed in law and it's good to have a guide.

So go travel! I went a couple years ago to Europe by myself. For three weeks. It was awesome but hard too, as this was when we were in limbo land. So sometimes I cried because I knew we would probably never take this trip together. Oh well, onward. Anyway, this is YOUR life and we have to make it exciting and happy whether we are alone or not. Traveling is one of my favorite things.

[Eagle3]

I glanced at some of your sitch and you have had it harder than I do. How hard it is when you sharing a space with someone you love but they act so detached. Isn't it? I find that I hate it when my H is at home, but I also hate it when he is away. Truth is, I still miss the H I fell in love with even thought I know he's been gone for a few years now (that's how far back things started to get bad).

I'm sorry to hear that you too are already a long time in this situation as well. I fully understand these feelings and they are very normal to feel that way. I too was glad when he came home, but when I look back to it now I preferred the times when he was not since it is much easier to stay detached if they are not around all the time.

Update. Had a convo with my L today. Still hoping to get the agreement signed and then we will start the D process on paper next week. I do hope it stays civil and doesn't get dragged out or super expensive, but I feel I have no choice but to use a L now that H has been taking funds and hiding things from me.

Feeling a bit lighter the last day or so. I think just making the decision to D helps. Even though it's not what I really wanted...I do not want to live like this any longer than I have to. If I am really going to move forward, I want my own place and my own financial freedom to do what I want.

If you read my stitch I'm also in the proces of the D, on my initiative now since that is what he wanted but did not do anything for it. I strongly believe, as far as the stories I have read and the advice given, that it is better to arrange the D ASAP, even if you still want to stand. (is only arranging financial security in my opinion)
I have no L and working on an divorce with mutual consent and for the moment this is working. Let's hope...
You are doing well Elbereth, definitely so soon after BD!

I really wish I could just put everything in storage and go travel for a year. H hated traveling, and I have wanted to do it more. So embracing that would bring me joy as well as distract me from the awful last few years. I would feel empowered and excited to travel. And hell, I'm not getting younger.

Will do this as well. Once the divorce is final I will buy a nice house and keep enough money to travel with the kids.
Much more important in live to make good memories with the children.

Keep well dear Elbereth!

[Traveler]

I really wish I could just put everything in storage and go travel for a year. H hated traveling, and I have wanted to do it more. So embracing that would bring me joy as well as distract me from the awful last few years. I would feel empowered and excited to travel. And hell, I'm not getting younger. grin

I love this goal! If any part of your travel includes US National Parks, post in my thread. I can give good advice on half of them, and I can point you to good resources for the other half. I've regretted buying cars and electronics. I've never regretted travel. The good memories you make stay with you.

[BluWave]

Hello there,

I am sorry you are here. I have tried to read all of the posts in this thread to familiarize myself but I didn't go back further. I am glad you are getting good support from the community here. It can be hard sometimes with friends IRL because they care so much for us and want to give us advice, and that at times it can feel judgmental and hurtful too. Here we all have a similar sitch and understanding and also the safety of privacy. I am not sure if I ever mentioned this in my threads, but I got dumped by one of my closest friends and support people at the same time my H came back. She never told me why but we didn't have a falling out or a conflict. She just disappeared from my life and when I reached out she told me "it's not you, it's me ..." So as much as our friends and family want what us best for us, the choices we make also has an effect on them.

When I read someone's threads I try and really think about what I can say that might be different or helpful. I don't want to reinvent the wheel or repeat what has already been said. You seem to have a level head and are doing great. It's so, so hard. I am glad you are adopting more self care (GAL) because it's the best way to combat the stress and also to look forward. A couple of things stood out to me in reading here that I wanted to point out.

You mentioned that his last M ended with adultery and so it appears history is repeating itself. And while I do believe that people can change, they have to want to first. It seems he is one of those people that moves onto the next relationships seeking comfort and validation from someone new instead of dealing with the issues in the M that he has in front of him. That is a pretty big character flaw IMO. It is also a pattern. Patterns repeat unless the individual is aware of it and motivated to break it. He expresses feeling guilty for hurting you, but that is not the same as wanting to understand why he is making theses choices. ... BTW, my H had the same patterns and he did return to our M. When I met him 20 years ago he started to take an interest in me even tho he already had a GF ....

May brought up that she doesn't like the term plan B and I totally get that. Heck, I was plan B for the duration of my H's A, but really he was a confused mess, so what does that even matter who is A, B, C? I think sometimes we say "plan B" to empower the poster to remove themselves from feeling, and appearing, that they are vying for the affections of someone who has eyes for someone else. Because no one wants to be that person, right? Ugh! I cringe at how I messed that up for sooooo long. And just as in May's sitch, it wasn't until I dropped the rope and let go of him, that he started to genuinely want me back .... Humans are messed up creatures!

What makes me cringe more than Plan B tho is the term MLC. I just still do not understand how using that benefits anyone. I could argue that my H was having a MLC as much as anyone on here. But how does that help my sitch? Yes he was in a crisis, yes he was mid life, and depressed, and changed his personality and became an alien, and had an affair and yes it lasted awhile (before my BD for a couple years I think), but so what? He also was unhappy with me and our M and that is also one of the reasons he left. It is not one or the other. So by labeling our spouse as having a MLC, do we find some comfort in believing that it has less to do with our M issues and more to do with their personal crisis? I just do not see the benefit of it. Either way, our M is in crisis, we are not their personal psychiatrist to diagnose them (which by the way it is not recognized by the DSM) and our focus should be on us and what we can control. We can only control our own behavior, choices and mood. Yes, mood. As we learn to care for ourselves better and detach, our mood will slowly improve over time and we will have more good days than bad.

I see you are talking to an L and also want to file. You guys are having a lot of D talks. Are you sure this is what you want? Because thats not clear to me. If there is any part of you that thinks you may want to save your M at some point, I think it's better not to discuss any of this with him. The more you guys have R or D talks, the more you are reminding him that this is what he thinks he wants. I am firm believer that less is more. Distance, time and space are the safest route. Less conversations and less replies to anything that isn't urgent. It better for your mental health too. Time does heal all. For some it's just a longer process!

Blu

[Elbereth]

So go travel! I went a couple years ago to Europe by myself. For three weeks. It was awesome but hard too, as this was when we were in limbo land. So sometimes I cried because I knew we would probably never take this trip together. Oh well, onward. Anyway, this is YOUR life and we have to make it exciting and happy whether we are alone or not. Traveling is one of my favorite things.

Wow! Sounds amazing! Yeah, I would be sad in some ways too...as he promised me some trips and they never happened. So disappointing.

If you read my stitch I'm also in the process of the D, on my initiative now since that is what he wanted but did not do anything for it. I strongly believe, as far as the stories I have read and the advice given, that it is better to arrange the D ASAP, even if you still want to stand. (is only arranging financial security in my opinion)
I have no L and working on an divorce with mutual consent and for the moment this is working. Let's hope...
You are doing well Elbereth, definitely so soon after BD!

Yeah, I'm mostly doing it because I realize I have no choice and need to protect myself financially. Even if I wanted to stand and try to make the MR work, I need to protect myself as it may never happen. But he is also insisting he still wants to divorce but also has dragged his feet, and he's spending a lot of money, so what choice do I have? You are right, if I decide to stand, I can do it regardless of D. Thanks for your advice Eagle3. Yeah, it's up to us to make our own new memories right?

And CWarrior, I will definitely ping you if I decide to do National Parks. But first on my bucket list is outside of the US, like Europe!

[Elbereth]

I am sorry you are here. I have tried to read all of the posts in this thread to familiarize myself but I didn't go back further. I am glad you are getting good support from the community here. It can be hard sometimes with friends IRL because they care so much for us and want to give us advice, and that at times it can feel judgmental and hurtful too. Here we all have a similar sitch and understanding and also the safety of privacy. I am not sure if I ever mentioned this in my threads, but I got dumped by one of my closest friends and support people at the same time my H came back. She never told me why but we didn't have a falling out or a conflict. She just disappeared from my life and when I reached out she told me "it's not you, it's me ..." So as much as our friends and family want what us best for us, the choices we make also has an effect on them.

Wow, I can't imagine what that must have felt like for you. I'm so sorry. I agree that sometimes the choices we make does affect them, and not always positively. I have felt that even if I could forgive my H someday, my friends/family would not, and that is unfair to me, when it's really about my life, not theirs. You would think they would support us in our decisions, but instead, I feel they would be a roadblock to saving my MR.

You mentioned that his last M ended with adultery and so it appears history is repeating itself. And while I do believe that people can change, they have to want to first. It seems he is one of those people that moves onto the next relationships seeking comfort and validation from someone new instead of dealing with the issues in the M that he has in front of him. That is a pretty big character flaw IMO. It is also a pattern. Patterns repeat unless the individual is aware of it and motivated to break it. He expresses feeling guilty for hurting you, but that is not the same as wanting to understand why he is making theses choices. ... BTW, my H had the same patterns and he did return to our M. When I met him 20 years ago he started to take an interest in me even tho he already had a GF ....

To clarify, his XW and XGF both cheated ON HIM, one after the other. He was very devastated and it took a lot for him to get passed that. And that is why I trusted him so completely...that he would never do such a thing knowing how horrible it felt. Alas, I was wrong, obviously.

As for 'big character flaws' I've been thinking a lot about this the last few days...and struggling a bit. There is a part of me that wonders if some of these terrible traits I saw in the last few years are character flaws that I ignored or made excuses for? I've been thinking about how selfish he had become over time, and how no matter how much I did to try to support his needs, the more it felt like failure. It wasn't that he blamed me for his unhappiness or stress, but that he expected me to be the strong one and would tell me that he couldn't deal with things, or that he needed me to do more, etc, as if he was the only one dealing with a lot of stress and problems (or at least his were 'bigger' or 'more important' than mine). If I expressed exhaustion, or needed support in return, he got even more frustrated as he said he didn't have the bandwidth. So, in looking at the last few years, it does feel like I didn't matter as much as I should have. That my needs were secondary to his (and the kids). Was this extreme stress that we had in our lives that just pushed him to the edge or was this the real him that finally showed itself? Then other thoughts go through my head, like did he drive the other women in his life to search for love and respect from others? And that is why they cheated on him? Is he just a weak person, or does he really only care about himself?

May brought up that she doesn't like the term plan B and I totally get that. Heck, I was plan B for the duration of my H's A, but really he was a confused mess, so what does that even matter who is A, B, C? I think sometimes we say "plan B" to empower the poster to remove themselves from feeling, and appearing, that they are vying for the affections of someone who has eyes for someone else. Because no one wants to be that person, right? Ugh! I cringe at how I messed that up for sooooo long. And just as in May's sitch, it wasn't until I dropped the rope and let go of him, that he started to genuinely want me back .... Humans are messed up creatures!

What makes me cringe more than Plan B tho is the term MLC. I just still do not understand how using that benefits anyone. I could argue that my H was having a MLC as much as anyone on here. But how does that help my sitch? Yes he was in a crisis, yes he was mid life, and depressed, and changed his personality and became an alien, and had an affair and yes it lasted awhile (before my BD for a couple years I think), but so what? He also was unhappy with me and our M and that is also one of the reasons he left. It is not one or the other. So by labeling our spouse as having a MLC, do we find some comfort in believing that it has less to do with our M issues and more to do with their personal crisis? I just do not see the benefit of it. Either way, our M is in crisis, we are not their personal psychiatrist to diagnose them (which by the way it is not recognized by the DSM) and our focus should be on us and what we can control. We can only control our own behavior, choices and mood. Yes, mood. As we learn to care for ourselves better and detach, our mood will slowly improve over time and we will have more good days than bad.

I don't want to be a Plan B, but if I 'stand', isn't that essentially what I am? It is messed up, but I think that is why we must drop the rope to have self-respect and to protect ourselves. Plan B becomes instead something else....like that amazing person I was dumb enough to lose....which is much more of what I would like to be thought of.

As for MLC, I think it helped me a lot to understand and to see some reasons for this hell I've been living the last few years...and that some of it wasn't my fault. Yea, we both were unhappy in the MR. But I was trying and he was in La La land. None of this knowledge changes what happened, but I personally find some 'comfort' if you can call it that, in believing that a lot of the issues were due to his crisis. But, it's not an excuse and it doesn't mean that he would be forgiven. What he's done and the decisions he has made have repercussions and I am not even sure I could ever forgive him for it. So, yeah, I see what you mean, but for me, feeling that he is in MLC helps me to deal with all of this better than if I had just felt like everything I had tried to do for my MR was a failure on my part. Maybe that is crazy...as I really have no clinical proof.

I see you are talking to an L and also want to file. You guys are having a lot of D talks. Are you sure this is what you want? Because thats not clear to me. If there is any part of you that thinks you may want to save your M at some point, I think it's better not to discuss any of this with him. The more you guys have R or D talks, the more you are reminding him that this is what he thinks he wants. I am firm believer that less is more. Distance, time and space are the safest route. Less conversations and less replies to anything that isn't urgent. It better for your mental health too. Time does heal all. For some it's just a longer process!

He's been pushing for the D, and I have tried to avoid R and D talks as much as possible. I agree with you that less is more. Mostly, I've just been trying to get him to sign the agreement about funds he's spent and took from joint accounts. I didn't want a D. So I can see why you struggled to tell where my head was at. In principle I believe I committed to this MR and I can't feel good just handing him what he wants with a D. But I also feel threatened financially and with this being my second D, I'm already not in a strong financial position. So I can't just help fund his A and be left with scraps. I feel strongly that his AP visited him in his rental sometime during the last month. Why should I have to pay for that? So, I'm doing the D to protect my financial situation. If the A ended, I may not rush to D, but so far there is no sign that he is changing his mind, so I will move forward with D.

It's been hard because for financial reasons, it's better he stays at our home. And we still have his son (my Step-son) here too. So it's better for him too. But it is harder to detach and have space. But this last week while he was back, I did stay in other rooms, had him manage some meals, and I went out with friends some evenings. We spoke very little until the last day before he left on a trip. So, I will do my best to have less convos (especially R ones), less interaction, space and detachment, even if he is staying here. In part of the D we also have to start selling our H, so I think it will be temporary anyway...

You have given me a lot to think about the last few days. It was your comments that had me digging deeper into thinking about if my H has the character and the integrity that I want in a partner. I know that what I have seen the last few years is not what I want in a partner. I just wish I knew if this is who is truly is and it took awhile for him drop the veil, or if this is the man in crisis that deserves me being the lighthouse for? That question is still running though my head, and I guess I don't have to decide today. I just need to keep focusing on me and what I can control and the rest will come.

Thank you so much for your thoughts! I really appreciate them! Sorry if my response is way too long!

[DnJ]

Good Morning E

I have felt that even if I could forgive my H someday, my friends/family would not, and that is unfair to me, when it's really about my life, not theirs. You would think they would support us in our decisions, but instead, I feel they would be a roadblock to saving my MR.

Family and friends will follow your lead; make it a good one. Be the lighthouse to them as well.

If I expressed exhaustion, or needed support in return, he got even more frustrated as he said he didn't have the bandwidth.

A person in crisis has their emotions cranked to eleven. Then cannot handle your’s or anyone else’s emotions, they can’t even handle their own. Affairs and fantasy life, running away from all of life’s responsibilities, cognitive dissonance, and consuming depression, are hallmark behaviours of a Mid Life Crisis.

Was this extreme stress that we had in our lives that just pushed him to the edge or was this the real him that finally showed itself? Then other thoughts go through my head, like did he drive the other women in his life to search for love and respect from others? And that is why they cheated on him? Is he just a weak person, or does he really only care about himself?

It is common for us to analyze and look for a cause and blame. You knew H, you completely believed that he would never cheat on you. (Take comfort, I completely trusted my XW. Completely! Absolutely!)

Do not rewrite your own history. MLC is a strange thing. Our once loving spouse becomes an alien. They blow up their life, and everyone’s around them. And we try to find answers in that which we know. However, most of us don’t know about MLC; it ain’t like it’s portrayed in Hollywood. MLC is a terrible thing, a foreign thing, and it takes quite a shift in our perception to understand it.

Is this just who he was underneath? We all pull the small signs of the past, and the “remembered” signs, to help find answers. Careful not to rewrite your history, not to skew the data. He is a different person now. This might be the new and permanent him, or it might not be. That is really up to him.

I'm doing the D to protect my financial situation.

Good for you!

But, it's not an excuse and it doesn't mean that he would be forgiven. What he's done and the decisions he has made have repercussions and I am not even sure I could ever forgive him for it.

Your capacity to forgive will probably surprise you. If you want it.

I don't want to be a Plan B, but if I 'stand', isn't that essentially what I am?

Depends on who and why you are standing. It’s not for H, or M. Stand for you. Stand for your beliefs, values, and convictions.

You are Plan A. The prize. Whether H ever sees that or not, changes nothing. You are worthy! Never sell yourself short.

Be the way, standing really starts when one is healed enough to stand down. Up to that point “standing” is the default; more a byproduct of our healing path. After that, it is a choice.

I just wish I knew if this is who is truly is and it took awhile for him drop the veil, or if this is the man in crisis that deserves me being the lighthouse for?

Be the lighthouse for yourself.

As you said, you only control you.

Be the lighthouse of your life. Kids, family, and friends will follow your fine example.

There is plenty of journey ahead of you, ahead for all us. Life’s path is full of surprises, troubles, wonders, opportunities, and blessings; be open to it. Be patient, live today well, and let the unknown future unfold in its own time.

Acceptance and forgiveness are hard earned, along with the wisdom one picks up along the way. Pretty good headings for a great life, in my humble opinion.

Have a great day E.

D