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#2915325 02/18/21 06:53 PM
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2914277&page=10

Previous thread.


So, today I get my loan for 17k. I had to contact her and let her know I gave the broker his fee because it was facilitated through her. (Was absolutely neccesary) I only sent a screen shot that I had paid the man. She replies with this "I dont see the money for me finding the loan or the money for my gucci purse you promised"

I have not responded. I know no matter what I say she will fire back a rude, demeaning and disrespectful comment. If i give her the money she will just pretend she cares, I will slide futher into pathetic LBH land and she will be happy. So I certainly dont want to do that. Especially after this:

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of our marriage. Until she pays the filing fee we are legally still married. Papers signed everything ready to go but she owes the L money. So thats in limbo atm. Also after her giving me the "I love you husband" card on the 14th then going out of town to meet up with a man she was talking to (lied she wasnt talking to anyone of course) I called it, snapped and havent said anything besides the loan the last 4 days. She sent me a picture of the purse she had bought, a $3,000 Gucci bag and said she ditched the date because of me and bought a purse instead and now feels like I should owe her. I think she is pretending she caught a whiff of guilt or something and is trying to test to see how pathetic I will respond. I have not.

I am deciding if I should respond to her message today where she asked me about paying for the purse. I did tell her I wanted to get her something nice for our 10th anniversary (before I knew she was talking to other men). Now that I do I sure as hell dont feel like doing anything. I am not a mean person so I dont want to fire back some emotional anger response I feel like saying absolutely nothing. I will be spending the day alone tomorrow on our 10th anniversary. I havent decided what to do yet.I am leaning on zero response. (I think so far thats been the only thing ive done right the last 4 days).

So far with that loan I paid off my truck, a credit card and a personal loan. That saves me $620 a month. I bought myself a new beard trimmer, some protien powder I really like, a blender bottle, a dresser and a couple new grunt style T shirts in XL since I am no longer XXL. I tucked away 10k for savings and put around $500 into Acorns (the stock savings kinda app). Thats it. I certainly dont want to shoot $1500 to someone spoiled woman who believes to be entitled to it since I am the weak simp that always takes care of her. I was considering splurgin one time and taking myself out tomorrow, maybe to the gun range to shoot a bit, maybe to a cabin and go fishing. Havent decided but Ill do something for sure, alone, wont respond to her. She WILL try to illicit something on our 10th Ill bet. I cannot buckle. I want to respond, I want to say (I would love to buy you that stuff for our anniversary, Its really important to me and I wanted to spoil you, but I cant do that while you are seeing other men, I wont. ) but even that she will fire back something like "wow, you liar" or "wow your so sensitive" or "you always get nasty when its not your way" or just something stupid to punish me for standing up for myself, whenever I do i get punished and fold. I wont do that.

I talked to my IC about that and he said "wow man you sound a lot better than you did last month, it seems like logically you get it, you just gotta keep making your heart believe what your mind knows is true" So thats what Im working on.

My plan is to do nothing at all whatsoever and let her just go off pretty much. I expect it to get nasty, I expect her to threaten to go out with more men, pretty much anything to hurt me for not complying with her demands. Thats the bed I made for myself with this woman and I gotta face that now unfortunately. She will not like me ignoring her at all. She will get nasty.

Many years ago I left to a friends house when we had a fight. She drove around town looking for me, the three of us were walking back from a supermarket and she spotted us. She jumped out of the car with her friend ran up to me punched me twice and kicked me once. (only time she ever did that, like 7 years ago or so) I did not move and took it out of 1. shock and 2. I was holding a 30 pack of bud light and didnt wanna drop it. She then got in the friends car and sped away yelling out the window "im gonna go [censored] someone and send you a picture" ... yeah thats the person she is. This is gonna get ugly. I have never stood up to this and said '"no" until now. Storm incoming...

Last edited by Steve_; 02/18/21 07:02 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Don't respond. Nothing to say.

I can't pretend I understand the financial part, the loan, whether or not she has any right to the funds since you're still legally M-- all of that is totally beyond me-- but why don't you just pay the L the filing fee so that you can be free?


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Steve,

I'm also lost on the loan part. Really lost TBH.

Couple of things ( which are none of my business, but make me wonder your reasonings )

Why take out $17000, to put $10000 in savings ? I cannot believe the saving interest rate is better than the loan interest rate.

Why involve WW.. I'm pretty sure there would be a way not to involve her..

Very first thing that came to my mind when i read this post was that you are trying to show WW you are cash rich.. i.e look what you are missing WW..I've now got money..

Similar to your cabin trick with the kids...

Call me sceptical, but seems like more manipulation on your part. I would move heaven and earth to avoid my WW knowing my finances - You do the opposite !


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Hi Steve,

As usual, I'm confused.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She replies with this "I dont see the money for me finding the loan or the money for my gucci purse you promised"

Steve, did you unblock her cell phone and/or social messaging? Your plan was e-mail only. wink

Originally Posted by Steve_
So, today I get my loan for 17k. I had to contact her and let her know I gave the broker his fee because it was facilitated through her. (Was absolutely neccesary) I only sent a screen shot that I had paid the man. She replies with this "I dont see the money for me finding the loan or the money".. So far with that loan I paid off my truck, a credit card and a personal loan. That saves me $620 a month. If i give her the money she will..

It sounds like this $17,000 loan is important to you, you reached out to her meaning you couldn't do it on your own, and her risk/involvement was significant enough it was "absolutely necessary" to send her proof of payment. Set aside your anger and how she may respond. Connect with Steve's values. What did you promise her? If this were an acquaintance you met at a grocer who did this for you, what would you give them in return? My values would include fulfilling any promises and, if nothing were promised, offering a thank you gift (<$100). Your values may differ. Do what will make you proud of your actions 5yrs from now.

Originally Posted by Steve_
my gucci purse you promised. She sent me a picture of the purse she had bought, a $3,000 Gucci bag and said she ditched the date because of me and bought a purse instead and now feels like I should owe her. . I certainly dont want to shoot $1500 to someone spoiled woman who believes to be entitled to it

Well, if you promised to pay for half or a full Gucci purse in return for the above or some other task, I would keep my word. If the idea sprung from her head out-of-the-blue, I would not respond. I try to live my life according to my values, not according to how I imagine someone else may feel about it.

Originally Posted by Steve_
but even that she will fire back something like "wow, you liar" or "wow your so sensitive" or "you always get nasty when its not your way" or just something stupid to punish me for standing up for myself, whenever I do i get punished and fold. I wont do that.

You're making more good choices, but your focus is still misplaced on how she may or may not respond.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I would love to buy you that stuff for our anniversary, Its really important to me and I wanted to spoil you, but I cant do that while you are seeing other men, I wont.. but even that she will fire back something like "wow, you liar" or "wow your so sensitive" or "you always get nasty when its not your way" or just something stupid to punish me for standing up for myself,

Agreed, bad idea, and even worse if she responds favorably and you have a good anniversary together--since that pulls you and your kids deeper again into this ridiculously bad situation.



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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Why take out $17000, to put $10000 in savings ? I cannot believe the saving interest rate is better than the loan interest rate.

I missed this. I agree it sounds questionable. If the savings rate or acorn interest rate were better choices, the person writing the loan would not do so, they'd simply tuck their money into savings or acorn. This raises questions about other motives or the "shady people" he says his wife is involved with.




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ah I get it, the 10k isnt just to sit on its to pay into my school so I can continue onto my RN program, The VA decided they wouldnt cover some of the final stuff and im working on them to see what they will do before I shell out the rest. Yeah it would be nuts to borrow money to sit on it and pay intrest, im not that stupid. the APR is around 8% definately not just sitting on that. Overall it was a debt consolidation loan.

I just wasnt sure what to do on this since she did help me get it and I did tell her I wanted to do something for her for helping me, but now that shes gone off the rails with other guys it seems like i really dont want to do that. She is not entitled to anything and i didnt actually promise, I just told her I wanted to. So I wasnt sure how to handle it. For now no response is best I believe.

Last edited by Steve_; 02/18/21 07:49 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Sounds good, Steve, good work thinking through this instead of reaching out to her.



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Steve,

You're making progress man. I wouldn't give that woman a cent for a Gucci purse. And bet your bottom dollar she did not cancel her date, she just wants you to believe that so you will cave.

Crazy story for you... when my ex last BD'd me, she was nasty and cruel. She was disrespectful and hateful towards me for no reason, we didn't even have a fight.

Then one day, about 2 weeks before she was going to move out, she became very nice all of a sudden. She was polite and respectful. Then she asked me if would give her $2,900 to pay her back for all the groceries she had bought for the last 10 months so she could use that money to get her new place. I was taken aback and caught off guard but said I would think about it. She remained nice and polite for the next week while I thought about things.

A week later she comes up to me and asks if I had thought about the $2,900. I said I had thought about it and decided I didn't owe her a dime. Her buying groceries was her ONLY financial contribution to our relationship, I literally paid for everything and that if she felt that was unfair, we could put all our contributions on a spreadsheet and see who truly owed who money. The second I told her I was not giving her money, she snapped back in a rage and said "this just confirms my reasons for leaving you!!!". I told her this just confirmed why I wouldn't want her back and I walked away.

My point is that you cannot trust this woman. She will manipulate you to the gates of hell (if you allow her to).

Looking back (I've been NC for 16 months now), I am SOOOOO glad I had the balls to finally not let her manipulate me. If I had given her that money, I would hate myself for it now.

Don't cave! Or you will regret it later!

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Quote
She replies with this "I dont see the money for me finding the loan or the money for my gucci purse you promised"

I have not responded.


Good for you! whistle

Quote
I talked to my IC about that and he said "wow man you sound a lot better than you did last month, it seems like logically you get it, you just gotta keep making your heart believe what your mind knows is true" So thats what Im working on.


Glad to hear it, Steve.

Quote
My plan is to do nothing at all whatsoever and let her just go off pretty much. I expect it to get nasty, I expect her to threaten to go out with more men, pretty much anything to hurt me for not complying with her demands. Thats the bed I made for myself with this woman and I gotta face that now unfortunately. She will not like me ignoring her at all. She will get nasty.


When you stop giving her revelence in your life, she's left to deal with her own mess. She only gets something out of this bad behavior when she knows it is tearing you apart. Save yourself, Steve.

As for the anniversary, just don't respond or react to anything she might say or do. As far as you are concerned, it's just another day on the calendar. You see, our society has been programed and men, especially, think they have to do something or say something on those days. It's hogwash! Don't you dare wish her a happy anniversary........or respond to something she says.

I know you aren't a mean man. I want you to understand not responding to her is not being a mean man. Going no contact is not mean. Get that notion out of your head, okay? It is necessary that you show no interest, no value, no response to anything she says. You must do this in order for you to heal and have some normalcy in your life.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by Steve_
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2914277&page=10

Previous thread.


So, today I get my loan for 17k. I had to contact her and let her know I gave the broker his fee because it was facilitated through her. (Was absolutely neccesary) I only sent a screen shot that I had paid the man. She replies with this "I dont see the money for me finding the loan or the money for my gucci purse you promised"

I have not responded. I know no matter what I say she will fire back a rude, demeaning and disrespectful comment. If i give her the money she will just pretend she cares, I will slide futher into pathetic LBH land and she will be happy. So I certainly dont want to do that. Especially after this:

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of our marriage. Until she pays the filing fee we are legally still married. Papers signed everything ready to go but she owes the L money. So thats in limbo atm. Also after her giving me the "I love you husband" card on the 14th then going out of town to meet up with a man she was talking to (lied she wasnt talking to anyone of course) I called it, snapped and havent said anything besides the loan the last 4 days. She sent me a picture of the purse she had bought, a $3,000 Gucci bag and said she ditched the date because of me and bought a purse instead and now feels like I should owe her. I think she is pretending she caught a whiff of guilt or something and is trying to test to see how pathetic I will respond. I have not.

I am deciding if I should respond to her message today where she asked me about paying for the purse. I did tell her I wanted to get her something nice for our 10th anniversary (before I knew she was talking to other men). Now that I do I sure as hell dont feel like doing anything. I am not a mean person so I dont want to fire back some emotional anger response I feel like saying absolutely nothing. I will be spending the day alone tomorrow on our 10th anniversary. I havent decided what to do yet.I am leaning on zero response. (I think so far thats been the only thing ive done right the last 4 days).

So far with that loan I paid off my truck, a credit card and a personal loan. That saves me $620 a month. I bought myself a new beard trimmer, some protien powder I really like, a blender bottle, a dresser and a couple new grunt style T shirts in XL since I am no longer XXL. I tucked away 10k for savings and put around $500 into Acorns (the stock savings kinda app). Thats it. I certainly dont want to shoot $1500 to someone spoiled woman who believes to be entitled to it since I am the weak simp that always takes care of her. I was considering splurgin one time and taking myself out tomorrow, maybe to the gun range to shoot a bit, maybe to a cabin and go fishing. Havent decided but Ill do something for sure, alone, wont respond to her. She WILL try to illicit something on our 10th Ill bet. I cannot buckle. I want to respond, I want to say (I would love to buy you that stuff for our anniversary, Its really important to me and I wanted to spoil you, but I cant do that while you are seeing other men, I wont. ) but even that she will fire back something like "wow, you liar" or "wow your so sensitive" or "you always get nasty when its not your way" or just something stupid to punish me for standing up for myself, whenever I do i get punished and fold. I wont do that.

I talked to my IC about that and he said "wow man you sound a lot better than you did last month, it seems like logically you get it, you just gotta keep making your heart believe what your mind knows is true" So thats what Im working on.

My plan is to do nothing at all whatsoever and let her just go off pretty much. I expect it to get nasty, I expect her to threaten to go out with more men, pretty much anything to hurt me for not complying with her demands. Thats the bed I made for myself with this woman and I gotta face that now unfortunately. She will not like me ignoring her at all. She will get nasty.

Many years ago I left to a friends house when we had a fight. She drove around town looking for me, the three of us were walking back from a supermarket and she spotted us. She jumped out of the car with her friend ran up to me punched me twice and kicked me once. (only time she ever did that, like 7 years ago or so) I did not move and took it out of 1. shock and 2. I was holding a 30 pack of bud light and didnt wanna drop it. She then got in the friends car and sped away yelling out the window "im gonna go [censored] someone and send you a picture" ... yeah thats the person she is. This is gonna get ugly. I have never stood up to this and said '"no" until now. Storm incoming...


Hold the line my friend. You owe her ZERO. NADA. NOTHING. Just do you and keep radio silence! I love this update, keep up the progress, Steve_!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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