WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (3)

[SteveLW]

Sorry BL, I know that is difficult. Just keep working on you. You'll get there one day.

[OnlyBent]

Sorry to hear BL, I can understand how sh!tty that would make you feel on both fronts. Without being glib or too simplistic though, what choice do you have than to get past it? You can’t change it, so there really is only one option. I know you know this, and you’ve been doing great, so don’t beat yourself up for feeling crappy. Just get back on the horse, if you’ve felt good before, you know you can feel good again.

Keep at it mate.

[mako]

I got pretty riled up tonight. When I pulled up to drop off the kids tonight OM2's truck was parked outside. This was the first time in awhile I've had to drop the kids off with him there. Rationally it's silly because I know he stays there will the kids, but it's not always in my face. I didn't make a scene or anything - it was a typical brief exchange - but was fuming a bit in the car and grocery store afterwards. Yes, it's out of my control so I'm supposed to get passed it, detach, not get worked up but I could feel the anger rising up in me and things churning inside. It's just not right the kids living with another man at this point and it also seems like a slap in the face to me.

Look on the bright side, you didn't get pissed and make a scene in front of your kids. Better to fume a little at the store. We can only control the things we control, but we're human too and can't be robots all the time. Takes a long time to get past it all.

Your March 16 update looked great, so keep at it. Looks like you've been having more good times than bad.

[BL42]

SteveLW/OnlyBent/mako - Thanks for the support!

LH19,

I am 2.5 years out from living with my ex wife. I've been happier divorced than I was for years being married.

Glad you're enjoying life so much. I never wanted this, but do see the benefits - much more time for myself and freedom to do things the way I want. She thinks the same I believe (though in my mind I more often than not deferred to her).

How are my kids doing now? Honestly they are doing GREAT! Do they like going back and forth between houses? No. Do they like that their family traditions, like vacations together and restaurant meals as a family have been disrupted? No. But they do feel loved by both of us, they know that we are there for them, they have each other, and that is more than enough. Believe me it is.

How old were/are your kids? Mine are very young (S4, D1 at BD; now S6 D2). It's been tough on S6 for sure - he's had rough patches. Can't tell with D2 if it's the constant shifting around or just a case of the "terrible twos". That said, they're doing better than I expected and can see them doing well. Between the flexibility my company has given us due to COVID on top of the natural remote work/flexibility of my profession, I've really been able to see them much more than 50/50 and hopefully be their rock. I wonder though with their ages if they just won't know or remember any different (maybe S6, but even he's young). I'm able to handle them as a single dad easier than I thought and we're always doing activities and fun things. In some respects it can be easier because I naturally bring fewer things / prep less / make it simpler (though it other ways obviously harder).

Now to what you really want to know about. Dating. I am not going to lie it has it's ups and downs. I have had some really bizarre and bad first dates but the majority of them were good but the girl wasn't a match for me. I started dating one girl from another country and the border closed after we were getting to know one another so that became a major road block. So for about two and a half months I have been dating a girl 10 years younger then me. She is super sweet and we have a lot in common. She came to my work today to take me out to lunch. I would say she is the complete opposite of a WW. She's been single for 8 years and has really appreciates a good man when she meets one. I am taking it day by day and we will see where it goes.

Was it weird to date others at first? It's been 10 years for me. I don't plan to now until after the divorce is finalized but it's been 13 months since BD and 8 months since separation, so I can see starting this Summer. How have you met dates, especially during COVID? Is it personal interactions, or mostly dating apps? What's it like to date someone 10 years younger?

So I was once where you were at and did not see where I could be happy without my intact family. I was never more wrong in my life. Divorces are hard because our identity becomes wrapped up in who we are as a person in the relationship. When that person is gone from our lives, we often feel like we don’t know who we are anymore, because so much of our life revolves around being in a relationship that no longer exists. It takes time to heal and rebuild your life to get back to a place where you love and enjoy your time being single and learning to have fun again. By knowing what you want and loving and valuing yourself, you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure everyone in your life belongs there because they have PROVEN through their ACTIONS that they DESERVE the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.

I did have a good part of my identity wrapped up in being married / family man, and wonder occasionally what some people I know think about me getting divorced / wife running off with OM2 (E.g., do they think I not not a good person / man enough). However, I feel like most who know me know my character and think less of her than me, and those who don't see me with the kids and know I'm a wonderful dad. I've felt the pity in interactions with some casual friends, but someone said here the pity is better than disgust.

My feeling of self-worth did take a dip for awhile but I'm I'm already back to be being (mostly) happy and know I'm a high-value man. I think of the analogy of people who get a new car or win the lottery and feel happier at first but over time revert to the mean of their previous happiest (or vice versa), and think that's the same here. I had high self-esteem and happiness before BD. It then plummeted but I'm getting back to myself again. I wonder if the opposite is going to happen with W. She is happier right now because she feels free and has a new man to shower her with affection, but will revert to her low self-esteem / unhappiness again at some point.

Harvey,

I could have wrote this. I'm 50. XW is 44. GF is 39, the complete opposite of XW, and shows appreciation for a good man. At least, for now. Daughters are 15 and 11. It's been a little over 2 1/2 years since I lived with XW.

Life is good. Is there a part of me that wishes I would have know what was going to happen and tried to do something about it? Maybe, but I don't give it much head space. I'm enjoying the new life that I'm leading.

Glad life is good! How are your daughters handling the sitch? They're much older than my kids and I imagine it was a jolt. Plus they're getting towards the teen years and dating themselves. Also, like LH...what's it like dating someone a decade younger? How'd you meet...in person or dating app?

LH19,

So a couples things H I totally get the “for now” comment. I realize in the beginning everyone is at their best. What I do know now is if I bring it and show up every day and it is not reciprocated then I can walk away with no regrets.

The "for now" is definitely interesting. I assume most of us were very happy and in love with our spouses/exs when we dated and got married, and those stiches went sour, so how can we ever be confident it won't happen again? I guess improve ourselves and use the lessons learned to handle things better in the future? I suppose even if there is a problem in the future having gone through it once we'll know we'll be fine either way next time.

As for the “tried to do something” I’m 99% it was going to happen at some point. My exw is an attractive woman and was bound to get attention elsewhere at some point. She became addicted to the brain chemicals and such and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand what is really going on. She was miserable when she left and by all accounts miserable now. As the saying goes “not my circus not my monkeys”.

I do miss the family structure but I don’t miss my ex at all. It’s been about 4 years of doing things just the 3 of us and though I still have a blast there are times I feel like something is missing.

Not the life that I had planned but like Clint Eastwood said in Heart Break Ridge “ You improvise. You adapt and you overcome. That in a nutshell is what divorce life is all about.

You're confident it would've happened at some point regardless. How do you know? I'm content knowing and will tell my children some I tried everything I could to keep my marriage and our family together. I think they'll know I was there for them. I don't know if my result wouldn't been the same no matter what I did - there are certainly things I could've done differently or better but I think overall I wasn't the main cause. A friend of my sister who went through sometime similar and offer to talk told me "your biggest mistake was marrying someone whose parents had been married 3 times" and my IC told me she pictures my W as the person who "almost made it / escaped". W had a troubled past with parents divorce, relationships, counseling and ADs/anti-anxiety. I can't help but think maybe she would've ended up in this sitch with anyone else (it just happened to be me).

Anyway...incredibly long post. Would love to hear thoughts!

[LH19]

How old were/are your kids? [

13 and 9 when we D.

Was it weird to date others at first?

Sex with a woman after 24 years with the same was definitely weird.

Is it personal interactions, or mostly dating apps?

I've had a mixed bag. But most on dating apps.

What's it like to date someone 10 years younger?

Good and bad. She's very active and likes to go for walks in the morning when I sometimes want to stay in bed. lol

My feeling of self-worth did take a dip for awhile but I'm I'm already back to be being (mostly) happy and know I'm a high-value man.

Totally normal! I am a pretty confident man and my self esteem took a big hit.

So a couples things H I totally get the “for now” comment. I realize in the beginning everyone is at their best. What I do know now is if I bring it and show up every day and it is not reciprocated then I can walk away with no regrets.

The "for now" is definitely interesting. I assume most of us were very happy and in love with our spouses/exs when we dated and got married, and those stiches went sour, so how can we ever be confident it won't happen again? I guess improve ourselves and use the lessons learned to handle things better in the future? I suppose even if there is a problem in the future having gone through it once we'll know we'll be fine either way next time.

No guarantees my friend. If you survived this you can certainly survive it again.

You're confident it would've happened at some point regardless. How do you know?

Because it's mostly about her unhappiness. Yeah maybe if I was prefect it wouldn't have happened but I am human and far from perfect.

[BL42]

GAL - Had a pretty good "off" weekend...a friend's birthday party on Friday night with dozen friends and watching basketball games / UFC fights with the guys Saturday night. Also just had some downtime and relaxed by myself.

Divorce - Still waiting on W/L's response to my/L's counter on their initial settlement proposal. L & I get the sense her L is slow and overbooked; he's said a few times he would get it to us but haven't' seen anything yet and it's several weeks overdue. I'm a little anxious to see their thoughts. In my mind most items are fairly straightforward and could've been done a lot faster (and cheaper) without all the back and forth and attorneys as middle-men, with a similar result. I got pretty detailed in my breakdown, "showing the math" so to speak, so not sure they have a lot of ground to counter, but it'd be nice to just know it's settled. Also, it'll be another step closer to getting this over with and moving on. I'm tired of the process and although I don't like the situation the kids and I were put in, also haven't been "hoping for a recon" for quite awhile now.

Kids - I continue to do a ton of activities with them and watch them a large portion of W's week. There have been some frustrations in terms of parenting in terms of kids hygiene. I had to clean my son before school one day because she hadn't given him a washed his face the night before or morning of (let alone given him a bath) and he had dirt under his nails. Same thing later in the week his hair was all sweaty the night before from sports and D2 came over without a diaper and had wet herself, so I gave both of bath. I held off on addressing with W as I wanted to avoid riling her up right before they responded to the settlement counter, but may have to just go ahead address it with her at this point regardless because it's taking so long (E.g., can we at least both agree to bathe/wash face/brush teeth before bed?).

[Traveler]

Hi BL42,

My ex doesn't make my son bathe. He bathes regularly at my home. I've never raised the issue with her. If you're unsure which issues matter to their health vs. are your preference, talk to your pediatrician. I took a stand when my ex wasn't giving them lunches. I let it go when my ex wasn't giving them calcium (Pediatrician: "They visit you every day anyway--just give them calcium then.")

[Gigi123]

Always tricky when it comes to kids. So H gives the kids a lot of sweets and biscuits and takes then to mcdonalds. May i add that when we all lived together out kids didnt even know what sweet stuff was and it was normal, ate very healthy.
Literally nothing i can do, but to make sure when they are at home, which is most of the time that they eat healthy.
Reading for school-ocassionally i remind h to do that, but its hit and miss, again not much i can do, and sometimes we dont read in the evening when they are at home either.
H doesnt generally keep track of stuff at school and i do, so on ocassion he brought kids into school in uniform when it was a dress up day. Wouldn't he an issue if s7 didnt feel so anxious about being the only kid in uniform. It irritates me, but literally nothing i can do besides remind H a couple of days before. So essentially im still managing their schedules.....but im doing this for the boys because of how they feel and not for H.

What im trying to say i choose my battles, some of it is a a pain for me, but not worth fighting over.

[LH19]

B you win the quote of the day.


“Big things have little beginnings. All great things take time. You can have everything you want, just not all at once. Some goals and dreams take months, others take years and even grander goals and dreams take decades to accomplish. Life and time are going to pass no matter what you do or fail to do. Doesn’t it make sense to spend your life doing things that light you up on the inside and doing it with people whose goals and values are aligned with your own? Resolve what you want to accomplish, why you want to accomplish it and then take relentless consistent action to eventually make it a reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

[BL42]

LH19 - Good quote. Looking back 10-20 years at this point I can see how the little things add up and snow ball (good or bad) over time. In the case of my finances I've always made the sacrifices and investments and that's paying off significantly at this point. In terms of physical shape (not that I'm too bad off now) but I can see how that same dedication and commitment a decade or two ago would've paid dividends now. I guess the thing with life is you can't change the past and can only move forward starting today.

CWarrior/Gigi123 - If minimal bathing, decent nutrition, and school work are "preferences" of a parenting style instead of the bare minimum of care, we truly have societal issues. I did bring up my concerns with the family physician at my annual physical (as my son's is coming up and W is taking him) to make him aware. I told him though he's not responsible for co-parenting with us, I'd appreciate if he raise the topics generally as it would certainly be received better by W from him than from me. I've bit my tongue and not raised the topic with W recently because the we're getting towards the end of the D agreement so strategically don't want to rile her up and derail the negotiations/settlement and as the board rightfully points out I simply can't do anything about it and have to make up for it on my parenting time instead.