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BL,

Just because you don't have comments don't mean it hasn't been read. I read a lot of post and don't provide feedback. I use to be more active in my feedback, but it has died down because of my busy schedule. Since I can't provide as a detail post I would like, I stop posting unless, I see a person and need of a comment.

I'm glad you are doing better. Keep up the great work.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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I didn't get a ton of feedback on my threads, but I think it was mostly because I was doing well. You'll notice the amount of feedback is directly proportional to how poorly you are DB'ing. Consider it a good sign. smile

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B,

Nothing to add you are crushing it. You are going to be fine!

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CWarrior/SteveLW/ovrrnbw/joejoe1/harvey/LH19,

Appreciate you all weighing in. It's great to hear others' perspectives, and it seems like everyone thinks I'm doing well. I agree (relative to/considering the sitch). Still blows my mind it's been an entire year. That's something for the newest newbies to consider...the days in the beginning seem like weeks or months and all of a sudden it's been a year. I'm think I'm doing well overall, but there are definitely tough moments. W emailed me about the kids yesterday - nothing bad - yet I could feel the anger boiling up, and D2 was "terrible 2-ing" today and it would've been nice to have a partner.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Bingo. Once I realized that, Mr. FixIt vanished! The smallest 180 you do truly for yourself will last through the DB marathon and/or your single future, and be more believable to boot.

I've actually increased Mr. FixIt...but she's gone and it's all for me!

Originally Posted by CWarrior
You may need to develop new friendships! I'm working on that, too. It's okay if those friends are male, or younger, or older, since your goal is friends not dating. This gets you out of your house, too. This past week I met with a hiking group, a dancing group, and hosted a friend of a friend who was traveling.

This is a great point. You're right. It's a bit harder with COVID but I've been thinking of joining a beginners running club and reaching outside of my typical go-to people for folks who would go skiing with me. I definitely could use some focus here.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hopefully, the attempted setups at least give you confidence the opportunities will be there when you're ready. I definitely feel more confident knowing there are ladies interested in me.

Indeed, it did.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
A simple bodyweight routine can be done in 15min without any equipment. E.g., I can execute my CORE, LEGs, SHOULDER, or ARM routines between decorating cookies with my kids and taking them out of the oven.

You're right. I'm thinking of starting a push up routine in-between meetings (I work remotely). Any suggestions for a balance routine?

Originally Posted by CWarrior
That's also fantastic. My days are also much happier, free from a mediocre relationship.

I wanted a traditional family unit, but there certainly are benefits.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I can see hating it. I've never hated my ex-W's partners--they weren't responsible for our relationship falling apart. My big question is whether they treat my kids well, and so far, they have.

I don't have a visceral hate of him per say, like I did OM1, because OM2 situation helped me realize it's her problems not all mine (or the other guys'), but hate the fact my kids moved out halfway almost immediately living with another man. It's not the values I want them raised with to think that's normal and have that modeled for them - but like everyone says I have no control. That said, I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer they break up and she have to start again with someone new she didn't start dating before she moved out (let alone got divorced)

Thanks CWarrior!

Originally Posted by SteveLW
BL, I did read your 1 year post above the other day, it was on my phone so I didn't get a chance to respond. And to be honest, there isn't really a lot to respond to! You've got this covered and seem to be in a good place, all things considered. Love how you are crushing it as a dad, love how you have embraced post-WAW life, and are just making the best of every day and opportunity you have! It is awesome to see someone go through this and come out stronger and better. On the 2 year anniversary of BD I expect that you will be even further along than you are now! I think once the D is finalized, out of the way, and you are moved forward into even dating or a new R, you have set yourself up for future R success and an awesome life! Well done.

Thanks Steve, I appreciate it! Is this a name change btw? Hard to think of another year out but then it's hard to believe it's been a year. Part of me longs to date a bit, but I'm trying to stay firm on the "not until the divorce" goes through mindset for my own morals and the kids' sake, and as most say here giving it more time to heal is better.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I read it this morning. Well thought out and detailed. I'd say the biggest reason you got little response is because you seem to have a well thought out plan with a clear direction. You're doing all the right things. It's so much easier to comment on a sitch where people need immediate, desperate help and you just seem to be firmly in the driver's seat. Good on you, I say.

I hope you hit the gym hard and get ripped like you want to. Once you guys get divorce I'd stop turning down the offers from women though.

Prepare for your W to have more crazy crap going on. She jumped from her marriage to this crappy R with nothing in between but chaos. It's going to be messy for a while, if not longer.

Thanks! I need to give some focus on the physical aspect and get into a routine. I've done well learning to prep food, but need a workout routine I'll stick to. Should get easier to get outside and be active as we move into Spring too.

I have no idea what till happen with her new relationship. On the one hand it seems you're right and she has a lot of issues she didn't work through and is love bombing him now but what will happen when the rubber meets the road and they don't even have kids to bind them (like we did). On the other hand she's the brother of her friend and they're all acting like one big family and he probably thinks he struck gold and can look past raising someone else's kids because he's a live at home with his mom without a GF in a long time not a great career guy...so it might last quite awhile. In terms of crazy, I think that's why my L wants to wrap this up ASAP.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
BL,

Just because you don't have comments don't mean it hasn't been read. I read a lot of post and don't provide feedback. I use to be more active in my feedback, but it has died down because of my busy schedule. Since I can't provide as a detail post I would like, I stop posting unless, I see a person and need of a comment.

I'm glad you are doing better. Keep up the great work.

Originally Posted by harvey
I didn't get a ton of feedback on my threads, but I think it was mostly because I was doing well. You'll notice the amount of feedback is directly proportional to how poorly you are DB'ing. Consider it a good sign. smile

Originally Posted by LH19
B,

Nothing to add you are crushing it. You are going to be fine!

joejoe1/harvey/LH19 - Thanks for the encouraging words. Guess it's a good thing you don't have any advice!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hi BL, Thanks for posting on my thread I will get back to you.

I agree with the others here, you are doing really well and thats why there wasnt that much feedback orginally.
Ask specific questions if there are things you are wondering about. I always appreciate the perspective of this board.

Reagarding working out, set some SIMPLE goals and find a routine.
ITs not perfect by any means but often I do the same two gym routines twice a week.
Those two are what keeps me going.

Not sure you are interested but I am willing to post them and why I do them if you'd like.

Last edited by Mumin; 03/03/21 08:49 AM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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W's L told my L he hopes to get a settlement proposal over to us later today. She rejected my suggestion we take own own house/car/accounts and go our separate ways quick and easy, so we'll see. I'm anxious/eager to review the first real offer. I've been preparing myself from a financial mindset since the Summer for what my understanding of what she's entitled to under the law. Hopefully it's reasonable.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Mumin, I would be interested in your routine.

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Ok here goes:

Upper body
Warmup >5 min(do whatever I feel like, usually rowing)
- Benchpress, 1 warmup set + 3 sets of 4-10 reps
- Cable cross machine for Pecs Major usually angled to target lower vs upper, 3 sets lower (heavy) 3 sets upper (lighter)
- Arnold press (front shoulders), 3 sets heavy
- A version of arm raises (target mid shoulders), 4 sets - 2 very light, depending on form 2 more light or 2 heavy
- Bent over raise/row (target back shoulders), 2-3 sets mid weight
- (Sometimes I do 3 sets of a traps exercise here, very heavy)
- Triceps pushdown (or pull), 3 sets mid to heavy
- AT LEAST 5 minutes of ABS (Youtube exercises or heavy in a machine)

Legs and back
Warmup ~5 min(do whatever I feel like, usually rowing)
- Deadlift, 3 sets usually 1 heavy (2-3 reps) and 2 mid weight (10 reps)
- Power cleans, 3 sets mid weight (DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT PROPER TECHNIQUE!)
(Sometimes add another leg exercise here, ladies like the butt too ;))
- Dumbell row, 3 sets mid to heavy
- Chins (or machine), 3 sets at least body weight
- Bicep curl 1 (focus on lower arm and outer bicep), 3 sets mid weight
- Bicep curl 2 (normal), 3 sets heavy

This week I will do both these routines twice plus a conditioning routine.
Both of these usually take a bit more than an hour if I am in a hurry I reduce some sets to 2 (rather than 3) and typically only warm up 2 min. VERY important to not go to heavy on one of those "stressed" workouts. I've learned the worst thing that can happen in the gym for me is to get hurt. Not because I lose out on exercising but because I lose the routine.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Originally Posted by BL42

I don't have a visceral hate of him per say, like I did OM1, because OM2 situation helped me realize it's her problems not all mine (or the other guys'), but hate the fact my kids moved out halfway almost immediately living with another man. It's not the values I want them raised with to think that's normal and have that modeled for them - but like everyone says I have no control. That said, I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer they break up and she have to start again with someone new she didn't start dating before she moved out (let alone got divorced)


Since i found this site, and Sandi's rules, i look at a WW in 1 way - Selfish. Pure and Simple.

I don't think i've read a single post where a WW isn't out for herself.

Selfish people do not make good partners, or good parents.

That said, i genuinly think my WW has had a positive benefit on me and what i have learnt.

The biggest thing i have leant is to learn from her messups with the children - and there are lots.

You cannot control WW or the damage she causes -

I relate WWs to the terminator in 1984 ( showing my age )

Kyle Reese: Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there, it cant be bargained with, it cant be reasoned with, it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop... EVER, untill you are dead!


Extreme, but it is the same principle. Listen and Understand. The Wife you knew is gone. You cannot reason with a WW. They are consumed by emotion. Rational is not something they want to or will understand.

You can't reason - You can learn. You watch how her actions impact on your children and you do the 180. You make sure you dont become that person.

You show your children "your" values

If and when you date again, don't introduce your children to this partner until you think this may be a life time partner. I'm talking years potentially if the children are young.

Breakups really impact on children. Imagine how they feel when they are introduced to OM days later. Chances are, your WW likes to play happy familys with OM, but if shes in that "honeymoon" stage, all her attention will be on the OM, not the kids. So you make sure that all your attention is on them.

The damage is already done though.. In their heads, they will always fear being pushed out if WW / you get another partner.. So you be the best dad you can and never let them feel pushed out when with you.


I know from personal experience - My WW introduced my children to OM 3 days after she left and they found him in WW bed 3 weeks later. It shattered them. I saw the heartbreak that caused, and i will never put my children through that.

My Best friends mother was a WW.. She ran off with a man and left the dad ( LBS ) to look after 5 kids. My friend will always tell me how he was an amazing dad initially - he became their rock, and WW was gone... UNTIL he met a new partner, who had no interest in the kids. The relationship with his kids just stopped - His new partner became his focus. It was around the same time his mum ( WW ) split with other man, realised her mistakes and started to make a mense. He has no relationship with his father now. Sad, but true.

On the note of dating and children: Again, learn. RED flag !!!... If a lady you are dating wants to introduce you to her children / go on day trips / stay over shorlty after meeting you - THINK !!!!!..

I have ( and always will ) call it off it this happens.. that date is showing you who she is ! How is that different than WW.

WHen you have them butterflys Its easy to think with your d^%*, but have a thought for her children - How do you know you arent the 4th new man this year that the date has introduced them to.. It shows unhealthy issues IMO - and selfish. By staying over at this hot girls place after 4 weeks, how are you much different from OM ? Ok, you may not have caused a relationship breakdown, but you are not considering her children.

This is why this board is so good.. Its not about saving that relationship.. Read the posts and learn - like you learn from the WW mistakes. It will make you a stronger person and a better father if you embrace the knowledge.



Originally Posted by BL42

I have no idea what till happen with her new relationship. On the one hand it seems you're right and she has a lot of issues she didn't work through and is love bombing him now but what will happen when the rubber meets the road and they don't even have kids to bind them (like we did). On the other hand she's the brother of her friend and they're all acting like one big family and he probably thinks he struck gold and can look past raising someone else's kids because he's a live at home with his mom without a GF in a long time not a great career guy...so it might last quite awhile. In terms of crazy, I think that's why my L wants to wrap this up ASAP.


Chances are it will come crashing down.. As in its almost a certainty.

She isnt thinking about house, his career or the fact he lived with his mum. Your post above is thinking to look at it logically - Not in her world - She is acting on emotion - dont try to understand or rationalise it - you cannot.

Reread the terminator comment - all emotion..

Once that honeymoon period goes, the resentment will build and she will find somebody else.. She will probably come back to you as a Plan B - do you want to be second riddle !


Last edited by MrBrside; 03/04/21 10:19 AM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Lol. Love the Terminator reference.

I once compared a WW to Godzilla crashing through a city destroying everything in its path with people fleeing everywhere.

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