OB’s last comment is key. Letting go is the only way forward. I know it feels counter intuitive but you have to understand that letting go and reconciling are not mutually exclusive actions. Try to put yourself in your H’s place. This decision of his did not come out of the blue. He has been unhappy for awhile. He has decided that the source of his unhappiness is you. Even if he is 100% wrong about that, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he believes it and he has taken the incredibly difficult step of FINALLY telling you and moving out. The weight of that secret he was keeping from you has lifted and consequently, he is much happier now. When he asks the kids how you are doing, it’s probably because he feels bad about it. He knows you love him and that he has caused you immense pain. He has broken up your family and knows deep down this is a really crappy thing to do to you and to your children... and he does still care about you. But it’s all about him right now so this is all just a necessary step in his grand plan. He’s convinced himself that all of you will be happier in the long run and he just has to wait for you to get over the hurt and realize it too. He has justified his actions to the nth degree and believes this is the right thing to do. He can’t go back now...or anytime soon. He’s gone all in.
RE: The advice to act “as if” and Steve85’s comment about it being human nature to want what you can’t have. Think back to previous break ups and your level of attraction to boyfriend’s post break up. Who were you more attracted to? The guy you broke up with who was super upset and tried everything to make you change your mind or the guy who said he was disappointed but then walked away with his head held high and got on with his life. If you haven’t had those two types of break ups, I’m sure you know people who have. The first guy just makes you feel bad when you are around him and reinforces your decision to end things whereas the second peaks your curiosity a bit and may have even caused you to second guess your decision. Don’t worry that looking happy (or even better, BEING happy) will somehow reinforce his decision. It might initially as he will be relieved you are okay but eventually, he will look back and wonder if he did the right thing.
I completely understand where you are at now Luck. It wasn’t that long ago, that I was there too. I would have given anything for a do over. I replayed numerous situations in my mind when I had known on an intuitive level that something was wrong but I chose to ignore it because I was too scared of what he would say or do if I confronted him. I beat myself up PLENTY over my inaction...for months. Eventually, though, time and GAL efforts did their thing and I started to hurt less. I started to notice that he was no longer the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep at night. I stopped obsessing. I forced myself to be social even when I didn’t feel like it and I even enjoyed myself from time to time. Little by little, I began to rebuild my life and remember who I was before we met. I focused on the other relationships in my life and consequently I became a better mom, a better sister, and a better friend. I found an inner strength and a confidence in myself that I didn’t know I had. My XH and I became good coparents and our kids are benefiting from that. Now and then, we have even shared a laugh together and I can almost envision us being friends one day. Am I 100% over everything? No...but I am happy and in a good place and I no longer wish that I could change what happened. I fully believe that everything happens for a reason and that I am on the path I was meant to be on...even though I didn’t choose it.
Anyway... I don’t mean to hijack your thread and go on about my sitch but I just really, really want you to know that there is light at the end of this awful tunnel. If you can turn the focus onto saving yourself instead of on saving your marriage, you will be surprised at how quickly you can start to feel okay again. And that is a good thing. Re: the anxiety you are feeling. I had terrible anxiety in the beginning so I did go see my doctor about it. I went on an anti-anxiety / antidepressant medication for about five months and I do think it helped. It didn’t eliminate those feelings but it definitely reduced them so I didn’t feel so out of control. It might be worth a conversation with your doctor. Keep posting and reading others’ sitches. It will help. (((HUGS)))
Sorry you're here. We have a poster here who describes his divorce situation as "the best worst thing that ever happened to me". You have been given a gift of time. You should use it grow and learn and to have fun or cook that special meal or go to the place you've only dreamt of. You should reinvent yourself. Get in the gym, join a club, make time for things.
I know the pain. A lot of our pain is self created. You have to worry about what you can control and put your good energy into that. For example, whether Marriage Builders is right or wrong I don't know but your H is gone and it's water under the bridge at this point.
You are in Last Resort Technique territory. LRT means:
Stop Pursuing Get a Life (GAL) Wait and See
It's pretty simple in that regard but hard to accept the reality. You should be treating him like an ex. You should prepare mentally for him to do things you may not like. Being detached is important. I would recommend reading the detachment thread daily.
I see you worrying about acting as if and whether it will push him further away. My best advice is to always do what is right, not what is easy. I would always have an activity planned and be dressed and ready to go when you're interacting with him. To be frank, I faked this several times in my sitch. I got dressed up just to go read a book in the park. I got dressed up to drive around. I stayed out late just to make her think. You don't have to worry about some of that obviously.
As for the marriage counselor, don't beat yourself up. Just learn from it. I find MCs tend to mimic the culture and the actions speak for themselves. I wouldn't be pleased either but that ship has sailed too. Keep posting!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey luck, sorry to hear what you are going through! You are getting good advice, so just some notes. Please take your time to read through things. Get a copy of Divorce Remedy. Ask if you don’t understand It took me ~3 weeks to get my head around things, then another few weeks to make it habit.
Also, since you might be reading other threads (in itself very good to do) some recent comments may come across as Divorce positive. Though I would say basically everyone here are against divorce in general, in some situations it is simply the best course for everyone involved. On this note I would recommend ‘Love must be a tough’, especially if you are Christian.
Last edited by Mumin; 02/15/2112:06 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have been reading a few threads from other newcomers, some of whom are at a similar stage to me. I was just wondering - what is the difference between a walk away husband and a MLC?
In my situation there is no OW.
There may be no difference. MLC might be the underlying reason for him being a WAH. Most of us come here convinced that our spouse is in a MLC. Remember, to the MLC spouse, an MLC is not a crisis. So you may want to avoid that terminology with him. For most people in a MLC they see it as an awakening. An epiphany. They'd say that they were never thinking more clearly! And the typical MLC lasts for years, so if you see it as a way of them maybe snapping out of it, that is the wrong approach.
This is why your only way forward is to let go, accept that right now he doesn't want to be a couple with you, and focus on yourself. Worrying about what is causing him to do is this misguided. It is probably your problem-solving side guiding you that way. "If I can figure out the cause, I can fix it!" You may never understand the cause...and even if you did you couldn't fix it anyway. I know you are early on and it is always hard to think this way early on, but you need to be trying to take your focus off of him...and focus on the one thing you still have control over....YOU.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/15/2101:57 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Needing some advice. What I am about to write has been keeping me up at night as it involves finances and our children. (Yes, I realise this is an extremely sensitive topic for both wives and husbands, and I hope this is not triggering for people, but I do realise I have to look after myself financially given the huge discrepancy in our ability to make a living right now. Financially he holds all the cards.)
The reason why i am so anxious about this is because I feel like my circumstance is pushing me into ending everything before I even have a chance to save it.
My problem is that I am a full time mum at the moment, totally reliant on my husband for finances. I used to have a job but that was made redundant last year. He is a high income earner. He has agreed to be honest and good about the finances. I realise that others have had it much harder than me when relationships break down. We share a joint account that his income goes into and he is currently paying for everything as I have no income. I do realise that he could have easily left me high and dry, but he is not that kind of person.
Both of us have gone to a lawyer for general info about finances although our separation Sitch remains informal at the moment. All remains the same except that he is now living elsewhere.
My lawyer has suggested that if I agree to allow him to have the girls stay over at his place in a 50/50 care arrangement (rather than say 60/40) that I could stand to lose a substantial amount of money should our situation reach divorce settlement.
I really want to avoid our marriage getting to this point - certainly not so soon before there may even be a chance to turn anything around.
My husband of course is aware of the implications and is pushing for 50/50. He is requesting more and more days for the kids to stay over and he has already stated that 50/50 is his goal.
I pointed this out to my lawyer and she said that if we couldn’t agree then we would have to go to mediation. Everything would be finalised - care arrangements, house selling, finances split etc.
I feel like this would really be the death knell to any future possible reconciliation. Posters on here have said I have heaps of time but I feel like I am being pushed into a divorce I don’t want.
Thought folks?
Me: 49 H: 48 BD: Oct 2020 H moves out: 31 Jan 2021 No OW as far as I know.
My lawyer has suggested that if I agree to allow him to have the girls stay over at his place in a 50/50 care arrangement (rather than say 60/40) that I could stand to lose a substantial amount of money should our situation reach divorce settlement.
Your lawyer is a pig - get a new one!
The only decision when it comes to child custody is what is in the best interests of the safety, development and future success and happiness of you children.
You’ve had one appointment, and this lawyer is already trying to use the children as chess pieces for financial outcomes?
"I feel like this would really be the death knell to any future possible reconciliation. Posters on here have said I have heaps of time but I feel like I am being pushed into a divorce I don’t want."
Don't "fight" for control. In most circumstances it does not play out well.
As far as a lawyer goes.. kinda go with your gut. Understand it (Your choice) is colored with all of your emotions. Listen to the lawyers. Interview multiple. Remember.. they do this for a living. As such they are looking at it from a business standpoint. While most US courts favor the mother you did use the word "mum" so your situation could be different.
At the end of the day.. you do have "time". Because you will be tied to him/this situation as long as the kids are under 18.
You have to understand that his actions are also based in "emotion" and will be unsettling to you.
Pick your moments.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
