Total newbie here so please excuse my inexperience and long post - first time posting in a forum also. A bit of background: Last October my husband gave me the ILYBINILWY speech which really did come as a bomb drop as I had no idea how unhappy he had become. I always thought we would be together for ever. Ours is a marriage with very few arguments. We are both conflict avoidant which is probably a lot of our problem. Of course before I found DB I made some wrong moves such as saying I would change, can we work on it etc etc. But my biggest mistake is suggesting marriage counseling. It was a colossal failure as he agreed to go but I soon realised his heart wasn’t in it and the counsellor cemented in his mind that as he was unwilling to work with me that the marriage was dead. He had also gone to individual therapy which told him the same thing.
Over the course of the next few months things steadily got more uncomfortable at home and it felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other. He said he still cared for me and didn’t want to hurt me and equally I felt uncomfortable around him because of course I felt extremely shocked and hurt. During this time he withdrew to the spare room and went out a lot to avoid being around me. All affection stopped. He was adamant about getting his own place and two weeks ago he moved out, so we are now physically separated.
I have tried to give him space and I don’t contact him except to respond to messages about the kids (two D 12 and13). The only time I see him is when he comes to pick them up and I try very hard to present a happy positive demeanour. This weekend he had the kids stay over for one night. My eldest said that he did ask how I was doing and apparently she said that I was actually a lot calmer and happy. He responded with “that’s cool”. Is this a good sign or not?
The girls also seem to think he is very happy in his new place. He is calling it his home and is excited about buying new furniture for it, and he is spoiling them with new beds to stay in and other things. My fear is that he will become so comfortable in his own place and now we are separated he will be less likely to want to come home. The Marriage Builders website says separation is very dangerous to the ability to reconcile so I am feeling a bit hopeless and scared right now. Any thoughts and advice from people further down the track is much appreciated.
Me: 49 H: 48 BD: Oct 2020 H moves out: 31 Jan 2021 No OW as far as I know.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome 134luck. I am glad you found your way here. Even if you do not reconcile with your husband, you will find this forum very helpful in keeping you on the right track to a better future...whatever that turns out to be. Reading your story definitely took me back. I remember how awful the first six months were and what a relief it was when I was able to truly switch my focus from my H to me. Detachment, if you can get there, is such a blessing and it opens up a world of possibilities. Please do not be afraid of that. Fear keeps you stuck.
Re: your H. When you wrote about him getting his own place and buying your D’s bed, etc... I remembered how I felt when I found out my H had done that with our kids. It was full steam ahead in his mind...no turning back. I think that is where your husband is at too. He has been thinking about doing this for awhile (sorry...stats show that by the time you hear the ILYBINILWY speech, your spouse has been working on an exit plan for a year or more). He has done the hardest thing by telling you and moving out and now he feels relieved and excited to get started on the new life he has been imagining. He has no intention of reconciling right now. It doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t change his mind in the future but you need to really understand that there is NOTHING you can do to convince him to come back to you. All you can do is accept that this is where he is at right now and get on with your life the same way you would if he had died. That’s truly the best thing you can do for yourself and it is also the hardest...but it can be done...one small step at a time.
Be sure to read all of the links that Cadet provided for you. Knowledge really is power. If I could give you one tip that I really wish I had understood right from the start, it would be this... “Do not make any decisions or do anything when you are feeling really emotional or upset about something. Take a step back. Breathe. Wait for the feelings to fade so that you can make a decision with your rational mind. Even better...come on here and post about what it is you are thinking of doing BEFORE you do it. Even the people who do damaging things in their own situations are usually able to look at someone else’s situation objectively and give them some pretty good advice.
I know it seems impossible right now, you will get through this. You will feel happy again. One day you may even find yourself excited about your own new life. My bomb day was two years ago and I have experienced so many things and met so many people that I wouldn’t have if this had not happened to me. Even though the life I have now was not the one I planned, it is still a great life. Make yours a great life too. (((HUGS)))
Total newbie here so please excuse my inexperience and long post - first time posting in a forum also. A bit of background: Last October my husband gave me the ILYBINILWY speech which really did come as a bomb drop as I had no idea how unhappy he had become. I always thought we would be together for ever. Ours is a marriage with very few arguments. We are both conflict avoidant which is probably a lot of our problem. Of course before I found DB I made some wrong moves such as saying I would change, can we work on it etc etc. But my biggest mistake is suggesting marriage counseling. It was a colossal failure as he agreed to go but I soon realised his heart wasn’t in it and the counsellor cemented in his mind that as he was unwilling to work with me that the marriage was dead. He had also gone to individual therapy which told him the same thing.
Over the course of the next few months things steadily got more uncomfortable at home and it felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other. He said he still cared for me and didn’t want to hurt me and equally I felt uncomfortable around him because of course I felt extremely shocked and hurt. During this time he withdrew to the spare room and went out a lot to avoid being around me. All affection stopped. He was adamant about getting his own place and two weeks ago he moved out, so we are now physically separated.
I have tried to give him space and I don’t contact him except to respond to messages about the kids (two D 12 and13). The only time I see him is when he comes to pick them up and I try very hard to present a happy positive demeanour. This weekend he had the kids stay over for one night. My eldest said that he did ask how I was doing and apparently she said that I was actually a lot calmer and happy. He responded with “that’s cool”. Is this a good sign or not?
The girls also seem to think he is very happy in his new place. He is calling it his home and is excited about buying new furniture for it, and he is spoiling them with new beds to stay in and other things. My fear is that he will become so comfortable in his own place and now we are separated he will be less likely to want to come home. The Marriage Builders website says separation is very dangerous to the ability to reconcile so I am feeling a bit hopeless and scared right now. Any thoughts and advice from people further down the track is much appreciated.
Welcome, sorry about all of this. I know it is difficult. I can tell right now the situation is consuming most of your energy and thoughts. That is normal. And as you keep posting more details and getting more feedback you'll start to work thru all of that.
Right now you are looking for signs in him asking your daughters how your are doing. And you are worrying about separation being detrimental to R. The truth is his "signs" won't make sense because your mind is trying to put significance on his asking how you're doing over the significance of him getting his own place and moving out.
The truth is that right now signs won't make sense because you will read what your heart wants into them. And your fears will trick you into believing that R is less likely with separation even though the two of you were miserable in the days leading up to his moving out. See how your irrational thoughts drown out your rational ones?
luck, I wrote the following post specifically for newcomers like you that were struggling so much with how every little thing either helped or hurt the saving of your marriage. I hope it will help :
I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I am grateful I have found this place to put down my thoughts and receive advice from people who care and understand. Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming. I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now.
I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?
Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated? I know that I am in very early days and I shouldn’t expect anything like this for a while. Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety.
Me: 49 H: 48 BD: Oct 2020 H moves out: 31 Jan 2021 No OW as far as I know.
I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I am grateful I have found this place to put down my thoughts and receive advice from people who care and understand. Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming. I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now.
We do not get to choose what happens to us, only are attitude and how we handle it. I think of people that are diagnosed with cancer. Some see it as a death sentence and give up. Others see it as a challenge, a fight that they want to win. And they work like crazy to beat it. When I was a kid an actor named Dirk Benedict (Starbuck from the original Battlestar Galactica) was an example of the latter and is still an inspiration to me today because of it.
Originally Posted by 134luck
I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?
We all struggle with this. And the truthful answer is that yes, it will offend him further. But that is not necessarily because it is the wrong thing to do, it is because no matter what you do it will offend him! That is the thing with WASs, you are darned if you do, darned if you don't. If you pressure and pursue it will offend him. If you act as if and leave him alone it will offend him. If you donate to a children's hospital it will offend him. You can do NO right by him right now. BUT, here is the thing. Pressure and pursuit will offend him, and push him further away Where as accepting what is happening and acting as if will offend him, but will allow him to miss you and potentially get him curious and draw him closer to see why you are okay with it. He expects you to be sad, to be broken up and to be devastated. When you are the opposite of that it will actually make you look more attractive to him. Humans want what they can't have, that is why playing hard to get works!
Originally Posted by 134buck
Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated? I know that I am in very early days and I shouldn’t expect anything like this for a while. Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety.
I can only speak for myself, but what worked was GAL, 180ing and becoming the best version of myself, and detaching. Early on the tighter I held on the more she squirmed to get away. The more I accepted her decision and began to move forward with my life, the more she doubted the decision she thought she wanted.
So slow down, breathe, and realize things aren't as urgent as you think they are. Even if he were to D you, that will not prevent him from wanting to R in the future. LBSs, and LBWs in particular, always view D as a finality. It isn't. It is merely a potential step in the process. Focusing on yourself is the answer, because focusing on your WAH is just going to push him further away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I am grateful I have found this place to put down my thoughts and receive advice from people who care and understand. Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming. I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now.
Hi Luck, I am sorry you are going through this, it is awful, but please know, things will get better, this feeling will not last forever. It is great that you are here, DejaVu and Steve85 have got you started with some great advice. Read all the homework and Steve85's link. It is one thing to be grateful to be here, but more importantly follow the advice given as hard as it may be. Know that we have all been where you are, so we understand.
Originally Posted by 134luck
I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?
Forget about what he will or won't think, the focus must be on you. This has been trotted out time and again, like in an airplane emergency, focus on your oxygen mask first.
Originally Posted by 134luck
Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated? I know that I am in very early days and I shouldn’t expect anything like this for a while. Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety.
Forget about Piecing or R, this is prob a long way away if ever. Get acquainted with the reality that you may not R ever and be fine with that. You have to be fine with that, what is your other option, you cannot control your H. Read the advice, read the DR book and most importantly let him go. Nothing is urgent, you have more time than you realise. Urgency will make you do things that will only hurt you further and your situation.
Of all the stories and reading that I have done, pretty much everyone who R'd did so after letting go, and the ones whod didn't R went on to do great anyway because they had let go!
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I am grateful I have found this place to put down my thoughts and receive advice from people who care and understand. Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming. I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now.
I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?
Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated? I know that I am in very early days and I shouldn’t expect anything like this for a while. Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety.
Me: 49 H: 48 BD: Oct 2020 H moves out: 31 Jan 2021 No OW as far as I know.
"Yes, I am in a pretty dark place right now, this being so fresh and it is utterly overwhelming."
This is normal. And likely the one thing that will make things harder. When "something" leaves we tend to overthink it. Why, What, Who and How. So.. How can I help you to stop that train of thought? Because believe it or not.. his action will force you into a weird place. It will make you seem awkward in everything you do. Why, is his decision to leave so unexpected?
"I am here crying like a baby because while I know I can’t control what he wants, I really don’t want what is happening right now."
Most relationships are about control and who has it. Right now you are "giving" him more control than he really needs. It is fine to cry and complain, be angry and all that comes with "this". But to a point.. don't let him see you sweat. And the kids will be watching too.. don't let them see you sweat either. He left.. you are moving on. Take that to heart.
"I wonder, will acting “as if” offend him further? Will he think I am selfish and not thinking about his hurt?"
He did not get to this point lightly. Honestly, he may feel that way no matter what you do. He was selfish and hurtful with his actions as a whole. So, there is a layer of "who cares". Your actions should be yours. At the end of the day it is about saving yourself.. and then the marriage. Think when you first met.. and none of the drama of life existed. Something there.. he found attractive.
"Also, for those of you who are piecing or reconciling - how did this begin? Did you avoid contact until they initiated? "
You will know when this is happening. You know it is not happening right now. What are some things you could do to GAL?
" Everything just feels so urgent in my mind right now. I’m like a ball of spinning anxiety."
So.. you know you might be acting a bit oddly right now. It takes time.. but the quicker you can slow this.. the easier it becomes.
Relax..
And
Do Work
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I have been reading a few threads from other newcomers, some of whom are at a similar stage to me. I was just wondering - what is the difference between a walk away husband and a MLC?
In my situation there is no OW.
Me: 49 H: 48 BD: Oct 2020 H moves out: 31 Jan 2021 No OW as far as I know.
