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A Message from Michele
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Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915442
02/22/21 01:25 PM
02/22/21 01:25 PM
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CWarrior Offline OP
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*** 87 Days 'til My Climb ***

I felt overwhelmed yesterday. At first I thought it was the long 1:1 conversation, or so many changes. It's more that I'm an introvert and this was too much "together" time in one day. I was lonely and overdid it, like when you're starving and buy too much food! I found 3 of 5 people like me. Not a bad social experiment!


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915536
02/24/21 01:46 AM
02/24/21 01:46 AM
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*** 86 Days 'til my Climb ***

My whole world has changed. Yes, I'm excited and smiling often because I'm on track with training and likely to reach my goal, my home is in better shape than ever, my family is going well, and my self-critic no longer dares to openly say negative things. New friendships are beginning. Somehow, these changes all feel good individually, but the sum of them makes me feel uncomfortable when I face them all at once. So much change.

4 training hikes in 7 days. 2500' w/ a 22# (base weight) pack on wet and slippery trails took effort, but today's 2000' w/ a 24# pack barely generated any sweat. Ranier's 9000' w/ a 50# pack seems doable.

I've been connecting with other climbers who are about to or have done Ranier.

Enjoyed a great evening with my family yesterday.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915580
02/24/21 10:20 PM
02/24/21 10:20 PM
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*** 85 Days 'til my Climb ***

I'm not feeling lonely. Dating off the table has some interesting consequences.

When I did social activities in the past, I focused on ones I tolerated that had people my age and a good proportion of the opposite gender. With dating off the table, I choose the social activities I enjoy most. I think this is better for meeting friends, even if it's worse for meeting partners. (Fortunately, my social groups of choice are not gamers, hunting, or any 90%+ male group! Unfortunately, they tend to be younger and fitter--romance seems unlikely.)

I avoided the female security guard who seemed "into" me her last few weeks at my company but chatted with her male replacement today for about 20min. When I hiked with 4 people on Sunday, I kept starting conversations with the men, but spoke to the women only when they started conversations with me. Not seeking dates, turning off my auto-pilot flirting, shouldn't mean avoiding conversations and people. I need to find a better balance.

I'm realizing I'm a ball of energy, and I do best when I direct that energy more outward than inward. I want *some* social interaction each day, but I'm an introvert, so 30min is enough and 4hrs is too much!

Blaming the death of our relationship on that last night was a cop-out. The love between romantic partners may always be conditional, unlike the unconditional love between a father and a son or daughter. If I became an axe murderer or started selling drugs I'd expect any romantic partner to walk away! At the same time, I was shattered by Breakup#1, because I'd never seriously considered breaking up as a solution, and Breakup#3 came when she felt 4 therapy sessions was enough investment and I was willing to do more--not unlimited, but maybe 12-24 sessions. I do think I was on to something at the end when I began prioritizing my travel, training, etc. The love between romantic partners may be conditional, prioritizing yourself is important, but I want a partner who will stand by me through almost anything, as long as we're both trying, as long as the bad doesn't go on for years. I don't want to be jaded as her, granted after her ex-husband of 25yrs left her suddenly. I want to focus on *what is* and *what has been*, but to hope, to love, to trust again.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915589
02/25/21 07:40 AM
02/25/21 07:40 AM
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More feelings. I feel angry and betrayed. She promised not to leave me, not to even broach the topic without talking to our therapist first, yet here I am. There are more serious betrayals, but my loss of trust isn't just that love sometimes doesn't work out, it's that someone I love broke an important promise to me. Funny--I've written little about her these past couple of weeks and then I did twice today. I guess that's grief for you. ::Yawn::

Ahh well. Time to rest, hike in the morning, social dancing in the evening!


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915610
02/25/21 04:50 PM
02/25/21 04:50 PM
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Well - honestly, I think such a promise is a fool's game. Sure, we all wish our partners had been faithful to their marriage vows - but someone who is going to cheat is also usually someone who is not going to do everything in the honorable and above board way.

Now, if it's the girlfriend you're talking about - stop it already! You broke up three times! She was unreliable! I don't care whether she went to the therapist with you or not - you don't need that kind of manipulative erratic behavior in your life, end of story! What you need is to figure out why you put up with it for that long and how to avoid getting involved with someone like her again in the future.

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915696
02/26/21 03:47 PM
02/26/21 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
What you need is to figure out why you put up with it for that long and how to avoid getting involved with someone like her again in the future.

Agreed. I'm doing some soul-searching. The week before she broke up with me, I was talking to our therapist for the first time about breaking up with her over her rough behavior towards me--I was close to stepping away. It's hard to untangle how much each of my conflicted feelings contributed.

* I don't want to be so heartless as to leave someone I love over an illness. I mean, what does it mean if not that when we say we'll stay through sickness and health, through richness and poverty?

* E (this ex-GF) SAW me, the way I see myself. Other partners.. L (ex-W) believed we were both broken. AM and K ::eyeroll:: "believed" I could do anything. E saw potential and flaws. I get I need to be more open. No offline family, friend, or acquaintance knows about my Mt Ranier goal or struggles. I get low self-esteem *may* have nudged me towards someone who was quicker to criticize than to compliment me.

* Fear there's no better out there for me. She was a world-class athlete and taught at Harvard. That's rarer than your typical "I made the college team until I injured X" backstory. I get "world-class athlete" and "taught at Harvard" are maybe less important than "compassionate", "I'm attracted", and "can hike 5mi". I get maybe I am better off online than attached to someone who generates drama on a frequent, unpredictable basis.

* Fear of breaking down (becoming old) and dying alone. I get that final moment is always somewhat alone. I get I don't necessarily need a romantic partner to have companionship.

* Sex, lol, not every partner is good in bed or open enough to talk and try to make it great.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915697
02/26/21 03:49 PM
02/26/21 03:49 PM
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"better off alone" not "better off online" - darn lack of Edit button in this forum. wink


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915701
02/26/21 04:12 PM
02/26/21 04:12 PM
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*** 83 Days 'Til My Climb ***

I'm making plans to share the ride to the mountain to save rental car costs. A study shows driving together is COVID-safe if one is in the driver's seat, another in the back passenger-side seat, and the windows opened on the front passenger seat and back driver's-side seat. Hopefully, I'll just be vaccinated by then!!

5 hill climbs in 10 days, each faster than the last! My right ankle is hurting again. smirk So, today is 3x400mg ibuprofen, rest, elevation, 3xice, and maybe compression. I'll do core / upper-body work! Maybe cross-train Sat/Sun and do lower-body strength so I don't miss out on training days but give my r.ankle a good rest.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2915705
02/26/21 05:03 PM
02/26/21 05:03 PM
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Yes, I read that same article about positioning in the car!
Quote
* I don't want to be so heartless as to leave someone I love over an illness. I mean, what does it mean if not that when we say we'll stay through sickness and health, through richness and poverty?


This is for AFTER you’ve made marriage vows, not for dating situations. Dating is designed so you can find all this stuff out BEFORE you make a lifelong commitment.


And yes, probably your issues with self esteem led you to ignore the red flags and abusive behavior in her part. Plus her rock star dazzle. She looks so good on paper! But brilliance and athleticism without kindness and compassion (and mental stability) is not a recipe for a happy life.

(A story about true rock star dazzle: my best friend, who is a singer songwriter, briefly dated a guy who is in a semi-well known band. Since they are roughly equals in that world - although she is by far the better musician - she was not dazzled by his rock star glamour, and figured out within a few months that he was a lousy boyfriend and broke up with him. Within 2-3 months he was dating a new woman and within 5 months they were “engaged”. I put that in quotation marks because years later he has never set a date and they’ve never moved into the same city. Friend and I have often speculated what the new “fiancee” sees in him. I’m pretty sure it’s the “rock star dazzle” , because she comes from an ordinary suburban life and he brings the excitement of moving in LA music circles. We guess, for her, that lets her overlook the fact that he’s a lousy boyfriend. )

You should want someone who thinks more of you, who delights in the things you bring to the table, who is a good fit. Not someone who confirms your assessment of your flaws.

Re: I'm Climbing a Mountain in 97 Days [Re: kml] #2915708
02/26/21 05:56 PM
02/26/21 05:56 PM
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DonH Offline
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Originally Posted by kml

Quote
* I don't want to be so heartless as to leave someone I love over an illness. I mean, what does it mean if not that when we say we'll stay through sickness and health, through richness and poverty?


This is for AFTER you’ve made marriage vows, not for dating situations. Dating is designed so you can find all this stuff out BEFORE you make a lifelong commitment.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ from the woman who moved in a still relatively new BF fully due to an illness. Not saying it was not the compassionate thing to do but you can’t have it both ways - either CW is wrong or KML is. Cant be both. You clearly did what CW described.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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