Rebuilding and renewal - 3

[Traveler]

Dear Andrew,

Weight loss is personal. That said, #s like "1400" or "1800" calories sound what I used to pick for myself and struggled to stick to long-term. My trainers consistently have me eat 2000+ calories and I lose 1.5-2.0#/week. I entered your weight into IIFYM with both optimistic (40, 6'4", active, 3x cardio and strength per week) and pessimistic (65, 5'0", sedentary, 0x cardio and strength per week) stats and it gave 2300-2800 kcal for sustainable weight loss. I mean to say, I'd consider if you need spartan numbers or (like me) could eat beer and pretzels on your way down!

(To be clear--I'm drinking an IPA and eating 90-kcal bags of pretzels.. it would be more difficult to hit my macro goals if I drank a few imperial stouts and had a normal-sized bag of pretzels in front of me.)

I also LOVE that on endurance days I can just eat, and eat, and eat.

[AndrewP]

Crap! What a week!

Happy Saturday all - assuming that it is actually Saturday. Woke up today for the first time in quite a while feeling lonely. There's just so much going on that it's rather overwhelming. I know that I'll get a handle on it in time but right now it's like a big pile of poo in front of me and all I have is a toy shovel.

It would be so nice to just hug it out with someone, rest my head on their shoulder and breathe.

We're currently down 3 people at work. One admin person retired, one took a few well deserved days off - leaving us with one. The plant manager's son passed on last weekend so he's been off all week too. I believe we're short a couple of operators in the plant as well. So - my boss and I have been trying to pick up the load. Him more than me I'm sure.

One job that ended up on my shoulders was doing the loading paperwork for the plant. This is usually done by either the plant manager or one of the senior operators. Now - keep in mind that in my former role that I built a lot of the processes and systems being used. Lordy lordy lordy, what a PITA.

The day before, and if a rush order comes through, I have to go through each order. Read the shipping documents, pull the lab results, update the certificate of analysis, update the loading instructions and print the appropriate number of copies of the right documents in the plant. I'm so grateful that I work with such great people who are keeping a closer eye on things to catch my inevitable mistakes. I was joking with them that first - I owe them a big box of doughnuts and secondly to think of that episode in the Simpsons where Homer explains "It's my first day".

I was working on that until about 9:00pm last night. I made a mistake and reached out to the control room to let them know. Got some great feedback on the process on their end which have sparked some ideas for improvements.

I decided to actually have a simple dinner (breakfast for dinner) because I only had a brownie for lunch so it was after midnight by the time I got to bed. I intended to sleep in this morning until about 9:00 but was up with my head buzzing around with all the things needing to be done at 7:00. So some sleep at least but not nearly enough.

A piece of imagery that I've used before is to imagine a majestic swan cruising calmly along a still pond. What you don't see is that under the water that those little flipper feet are beating like mad.

What can you do though. When things hit the fan there are two types of people. Those who duck and those who stand firm in the wind. It will pass. I'll eventually get comfortable with these new responsibilities and figure out ways to be effective at them. In the mean time I work with some great people. I was standing in line at lunch to get my picture taken for my driver's license renewal and the plant called. One of the operators - who knew that scheduling was tight for the next few days had an idea on how to shuffle some loads around based on what one of our trucking companies had told him. It made sense, makes life simpler for a few people including me and once I got back to my desk I just sorted out the paperwork. I think they like working with me because I'm always open to ideas, freely admit when I'm wrong or don't know and while I take the responsibility when things go wrong make sure to tell the guys when they do right.

Add on top of this as well that the guy who is supposed to have taken over my old role in another section of the company where we were both doing it (one of us is essentially redundant) just refuses to try to understand parts of it and actually got incredibly angry with me when I just gave him some pointers and wished him luck. He precedes me in this company and was actually my manager for quite a while. But there are so many facets of the role that even though nothing has really changed in like 5 years, that he just refuses to deal with. So I have to pick up some of that this weekend as well. He's hit a roadblock and just passed the ball. A significant project is jeopardized if this isn't dealt with. Probably a couple of hours of work on my part but he just has a mental block that he can't do it even though I'm confident he could have the skills if he applied himself.

I've always liked to believe that if were to stop cranking that the world would continue to spin. But it wobbles a lot it seems. I have to pick what's important and deal with that, let some of the other slide.

It's the first weekend of the month when I traditionally clean the house from top to bottom. I may let some of that slide. For work I still need to track what railcars are inbound and figure out where I'll slot them. Boy did I mis-understand this task earlier on. I had thought the issue was managing the cars on the siding but no - once they get there they just get filled and shipped. It's figuring out what's coming up that is the hard part. I have a surplus of cars for a customer in the mining industry that need special handling, one car coming in that has to be put right up front so all the other cars have to be pulled out, and ideally shipped to customers instead of coming back in.... Phew!

I have a camera pointed out of the window of my office and checked last night's time-lapse video on my website. Yep - there's the reflection in the window of me toiling away at my desk.

I need a hug. And one of my best friends would also prescribe a bosom. One would be welcome but they come with all sorts of other attachments that I don't want to deal with at present. And rent-a-bosom is certainly not an option - at all - nor what I actually need it for.

Well - looks like everything is more or less running on the green at the plant. One of the tanks is a bit low so I'll need to get it filled up on Monday. 2 of the three railcars that are supposed to ship on Monday are filled. One is mostly empty as we pull product out of it. I have the paperwork for some raw materials we need to keep running this weekend so that must have been delivered.

Phew!

Time to shower and go get groceries. No looking at bosoms though - although the lady at the flower shop has a very nice one ...

A bient tot mes amis.

[Traveler]

Hi Andrew,

For what it’s worth, I truly enjoy reading your updates and all the details about running a rail, if that helps you feel less alone. I don’t feel lonely this weekend, but of course can relate to the desire to have some of the perks of a female partner—cuddling, romance, and sex—without introducing the complexities of dating and relationships or stalling my growth. We know there’s interest. We know those will be there when we’re ready. Honestly, your job sounds fascinating. I love roles that nudge me to grow. It also sounds like you have at least some good team mates. Rock on!

[kml]

(((((Hug)))) at least you’ve got all of us to bounce things off of.

I love breakfast for dinner. Not sure CMM could handle something so out of the routine though lol. Right now he’s having a tough time keeping meals down altogether, after a week and a half of radiation on top of simultaneous chemo.

[CanBird]

Hi AndrewP, I hope you rested and did not clean anything in your house! Sounds like you had a busy week! Although, I do understand the need to keep certain things tidy.... may you get that ((hug)) that you need.

[AndrewP]

Thanks for the support and hugs. It is indeed greatly appreciated.

Woke up again this morning feeling lonely and realized that I probably hit a big drop into good-ole depression.

I couldn't muster the interest or energy to make dinner yesterday but I did have a nice soak in the tub. Some things got cleaned but certainly nowhere near the usual amount. I spent a bunch of time in the office and didn't make much of a dent in things. I did manage to get laundry done and the kitchen counter was clean at least.

Today though - even though I really didn't feel like it, I went out and had brunch with my son. It was a beautiful day here to go for a drive in the sunshine while I listened to a favourite podcast about history. Got a brief visit with his cats in too. We ended up visiting and talking over brunch for nearly 2 hours. It turns out that he too had struggled to get the energy up but since he knew I was coming had no good excuse either for declining. We talked about lots and lots of stuff - mostly the challenges we each are having at work and about this, that and the other thing too. Had a few laughs and enjoyed each other's company and the food.

I feel a lot better now having had human contact with someone I love. But I do think that this is something I'm going to have to watch for the next while. Things at work are just plain overwhelming at present and things around the house are certainly suffering. I did make myself a lighter and decent dinner for tonight instead of the more ambitious one that I just don't have the energy for. Had a glass of wine, classical music as usual and did make it a "sunday supper".

I didn't get much of anything done around the house today but I did get more or less on top of the work stuff that had piled up. My draft plan for rail car movements has been done and critiqued by my boss who has an even poorer work/life boundary than I do. I got some badly needed reports out that someone has been chasing me for for a month and am just about to go over the tank levels and do the first draft of tomorrow's production plan. I find that doing that the night before is essential. Gives me time to think on it before I put it out. As well as do a fair amount of math.

I know that my upcoming birthday is really weighing on me. This will be the first time in my adult life that I've celebrated it alone(ish). I'm going to ask my daughter to call. One other time my then-wife and I were in the Caribbean on my birthday - I think she got me a card. My son will probably stop by the day or so after. I've promised to keep some of the cake that I got for him.

Tuesday will be the anniversary of my bomb-day. Just before I turned 52 - a heck of a birthday present. I'll be turning 57 this week. My life is nothing at all like I would have imagined back then. We were in Mexico - I thought we were happy although I knew that my wife was depressed. I just didn't know that it was because she was leading a double life. That took another month to find out.

I feel tired. And more than a bit lost and confused. A favourite comic artist posted a strip recently that begins with the Robert Frost poem "Road not taken". It takes a bit of a side-turn and reminds me that just because there are paths through the dark woods, nothing actually requires you to take them.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveler, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim,
because it was grassy and wanted wear,
though as for that the passing there
had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
And also the second: went neither way,
just plopped down sunward upon my back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, And I -
I skipped 'em both, I cannot lie:
and that has made all the difference

It was good to re-affirm that even though at the present I feel lonely there is no specific reason to go chasing after someone to pull into my life. And that taking a break while chaos swirls around you is a good thing.

[OwnIt]

Andrew, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. I'm wondering if maybe it might be time to get a sweet little kitten again. I've seen you mention it from time to time. I know that my big fat cat, who for sad reasons is about to come back to me, got me through many a dark day. It might be a good time. Or what about some fish? I really enjoyed having fish briefly but they kept jumping out of the tank and committing suicide and I took it rather personally and gave the rest to someone I know who handles fish. I've always done better with cats. I prefer a Siamese mix. I've never gone wrong with them. My big fat cat is a part Siamese. He acts like a dog. He greets everyone who comes over, he loves to cuddle, he actually hugs you and puts pressure in his paws like he's squeezing, and never takes out his claws. He has a tiny little voice, so he is not obnoxious like some of them can be.

My mom has a Skookum, which is the funniest looking cat you have ever seen in your life. He has stubbly legs (super, duper short) and a wiry, curly coat. He is deadly quiet, jet black with yellow eyes, and he loves to make mischief (gets in a box, sits in the sink, obsessed with toys of all types etc), but he is the most affectionate cat. He is always with her.

Anyway, something to think about. My S leaves soon (or rather I do actually) and I think I'll probably know lonely. Right now I crave the quiet, alone time, particularly with Covid schooling. I love to do old NYT crossword puzzles. I have done back to the early 90s at this point and can now do any of the days of the week relatively quickly. I started with the Mondays, then moved on to the Tuesdays, etc., since they get progressively harder. I also like to do puzzles. I took up the puzzles again, always did them off and on with my mom over the years, when I got sick and needed to find a way to calm way down and not let myself be overcome with the racing thoughts.

[kml]

Sounds like your reasons for being down are external (work stress, loneliness, bombaversary)- BUT - it is also the end of winter and a time when people's vitamin D levels are at their seasonal nadir. Vitamin D deficiency if associated with seasonal depression. So if you're not already, consider taking some vitamin D. You might also look into a light box, which can also be effective for depression.

Can you plan a weekend birthday ZOOM party for yourself with friends and family?

And I agree - might be time for a kitty.

[job]

Andrew,

I remember when Tadpole lost his mice and he was a bit down. He then went to check out some kitties and he got two beautiful little babies that were siblings. They are there waiting for him to come home and I have to say, they have provided him with lots of entertainment and I think he truly looks forward to going on once his work day is over. If you opt to adopt a kitten, you may want to consider adopting two around the same age so that they can keep each other company and play companions when you aren't home.

I know you miss Liz and Amy and that tells me you need to have some fur babies in your life.

I also agree w/kml on the vitamin D. You may want to get D3 and take it. I know it helped me quite a bit. I think kml's suggestion about a ZOOM party sound wonderful.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

[AndrewP]

OwnIt - years and years ago I used to have fish and yes, some of them seemed to have existential crises regularly. A glass top on the tank took care of a lot of that. Perhaps they didn't realize that outside the tank that there's no water. I'm sure there's a metaphor there. I don't think fish are in my future though. They are better suited to an environment where I would spend time in the same room with them and I tend to bounce around a lot.

kml/job - I have a Zoom happy hour on Fridays which is generally a lot of fun. There's usually a lot of joking around and poking fun - we're all old colleagues and friends and there's a lot of insider chemical industry joking. I expect you didn't know that chemical industry people were a bunch of fun I actually had a long personal call from one of the people on there yesterday where he was worried that he had offended me - and to also dig a bit for info on what we're up to in the company I work for. He's a nice guy although very "salesman" and was a big help to me in navigating my divorce.

I doubt I'll have anything for my birthday Thursday beyond getting in touch with my daughter. I expect my son to come by either on Friday or the weekend. I'm choosing to not go into the plant that day as well because we will have a bunch of visitors on site and I want to limit my exposure. Cooties ...

I'll look in to some vitamin D supplements. I'd prefer to get it from sunshine if I can but think that perhaps a bit of help to nature is appropriate especially considering how little time I've been able to make to be outside.

I don't think I'll be getting a cat soon. One of my quirks is that given a choice of options is that "do nothing" is always a valid choice I can make. A lot of my "decorating" is how it is because I have just left things because I have no clue on what I would want to change it into. So my kitchen has hearts and flowers wallpaper. C referred to it as very "Laura Ashley" and (correctly I think) identified my ex-wife as someone who was very romantic at her core. I'm not attached to hardly any of the decorating, but on the other hand given the fact that I don't have a valid alternative means that I'm not going to make a change just for the sake of making a change.

Getting a pet is a multi-year commitment and I can't help but also recall that in both relationships that I've attempted that me having a pet already caused issues. B absolutely hated that I had cats and S was ok with the additional chaos and critters but it was unsustainable. So if I was to get a cat it then means that my options and choices are limited in the future. And since I have absolutely no clue of what that future will involve I don't want to put constraints on it without "knowing" that that is what I want. I do sometimes make those choices after painful and tedious over-thinking and sometimes on a whim.

---

I've been noticing lately that some chronic pain that I had when I was involved with S - specifically in my achilles tendon is a lot better. That's the thing with stuff like that - you don't really notice when it goes away - or at least I don't.

My shoulder and knee are also feeling better but it's a surprisingly slow recovery. On the other hand since when I fell I bounced on my butt and my shoulder and knee weren't obviously directly involved it's surprising that they were injured at all.

I'm slowly getting a better handle I think on some of the new responsibilities. Part of the issue it that it's a very grey area around what I'm supposed to be doing and where my responsibility starts and ends. The general thing is that if I start doing something that generally people just let me get on with it. I'm trying hard to not take on too much but was still at my desk until about 8:00 pm yesterday. I did head into the plant (hour drive each way) in the late afternoon to have a walk-a-bout and go over some paperwork so without that it may have been a shorter day. Still stressful though. I was up this morning at 3:00 am to check rail-car placement. All seemed to be fine. I just finished today's draft movement plan. I think I have it right but it will be reviewed before acted on.

I'm looking forward to sleeping better again soon. Leaving my desk earlier will certainly help that.

---

So - today is 5 year anniversary of bomb-day. To recap, my wife and I went away for our annual tropical vacation to a mid-level resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico. A new place for us. She had seemed withdrawn and depressed for some time - probably the stress of leading a double life. One evening, 2 days before we were to come back home, she got seriously drunk (extremely rare for her) and told me that she was leaving me and that there was nothing I could do about it. The night before she had also gotten wasted and tried to tell me that she was no good for me and that I should find someone else - which I just brushed off. Since she was very drunk I made sure I got her safely back to our room and stayed up watching the stars and thinking about WTF just happened.

The next morning she remembered nothing, noticed that I seemed withdrawn and teased me about it. I waited until we were back on hour home and native soil before asking her if what she had said was true. On the morning of my 52nd birthday. It was indeed true. It was a few weeks before my frantic digging uncovered the existence of OM. And the rest as they say - is history.

Writing that hurt a bit. I don't often revisit those couple of days.

Yesterday was also International Women's Day and one of my sisters posted a picture of "The P Family Women" which was taken at my youngest brother's wedding. And included my now ex. One of my nephews jokingly made a correction that there was a surplus "P" in the picture.

I went back and looked at that picture several times. I remember the day well. I thought she was so very beautiful (this would have been the year before bomb-day) and was very proud of being her husband. She also thought she looked great and had actually had a neighbour snap a picture of us together in front of the apple tree in my yard that day.

Now - the emotions are somewhat cauterized I suppose. The scars are there, but the tug I would have felt even a few years ago isn't there. There's sadness. Quite a bit of sadness. She wasn't a perfect wife any more than I was a perfect husband. But we were a great couple that all around us believed - including ourselves I thought - were happy. I recall on numerous occasions as well when we were out and I'd be holding a door for her, or helping her coat on/off, or holding her purse while she shopped that people would stop and remark that I was "a keeper".

I could ask the question of "WTF happened" or where did it all go? But I know the answers to that as much as I ever will. She was and presumably is, self-centred, entitled and dealing with the fact that our kids were grown and she was no longer just "Mom". Life with me was predictable, reliable and modest. Certainly more modest than her siblings that she often compared herself to who were full of bluster and other items that would be censored here. OM found an (eventually) willing accomplice. I expect it took a fairly short amount of time time - my timeline puts it at about 3 months - before she crossed that line that cannot be walked back. And I, our kids, and she are all living with the consequences of that.

Next post will be more upbeat.