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Maybe those long gray hairs came in on all of S's hoarder stuff, and fell off when that stuff went out of the house? Or maybe you till had stray long hairs from your hippie days in the storage areas where she had her things stashed in your house, and they fell out when she removed her stuff?

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Some days it just pays to keep your big yap shut and enjoy the feeling of being right.

Those who are playing the home game may recall how I got a smack-down from S when I reminded her that her loan payment was coming up and asking if she'd changed it. She told me that "obviously" I didn't remember that she had told me that she had already changed it. Well - I didn't trust that so made sure that it would be covered as it comes out today. This morning at 2:26am an email came in that she had deposited money to the account and at 7:42 am another that the loan payment has come out.

I'm not going to say a thing .....

Lying liars lie. It does validate that her constant nagging at me that I never remembered anything she said was to at least a good degree, just gaslighting. Whether deliberate or not is open to debate as could be the question of it it is one of her strategies to keep a partner off balance and under control.

---

On a whim yesterday I signed up for Tinder for probably about 11 minutes. I was curious based on what I'd heard at the barber shop but really put off by how they seem to want to draw you right into the world when I just wanted to sit on the sidelines and see if I dared put my toe out eventually. I have been feeling myself feeling more open to friendships - and not just because of what is a bit farther down in this post. Getting my physical house in order has I think helped a lot with my mental house. Perhaps a variation of "Mens sana in corpore sano". I still have no interest in opening my home to others - going to be rather protective of that. No more long grey hairs have been spotted but they still freak me out a bit. I've been doing some smudging but only in the upstairs bath. Might be time to just go through the whole darned house.

---

Vacation is now over and back to the grind - it's going to not be too hard to get back into the swing of things because I never really left and usually put in at least an hour or two each day. New responsibilities will be coming my way as well - both a concern and something I'm looking forward to. It's still not really clear on what they will be as there are at least a dozen areas of responsibility that seem to be being tossed in my general direction.

I did get out for a decent walk around the entire country block - about 7 1/2 km on Thursday afternoon. A lovely day for a stroll although it's been some time since I've walked that far. Usually I do about 5 km with less hills. When I went out yesterday I only got about 2km then my shins were giving me grief so I decided to not push it too hard.

I popped in to the local craft shop (the one run by the anti-masker) and we had a nice chat. I think like me she was starved for human company. She's having an open house today so I'll probably pop in again - she said there will be home-made cookies available. Despite our differences on some issues I quite like this person and she is respectful of my different opinions although she disagrees. And yes kml - I said opinions not facts although I accept the current situation as fact. I'm not sure if she's seeing anyone these days or not. She mentioned a partner last year but he never comes up in conversation so perhaps doesn't exist any more. She's a "very" intense person who I think powers through the world with sheer determination. I had a close look at her and was surprised to realize that she is actually quite a tiny person physically. She may be getting me to help her set up some security cameras as she was interested in my setup and has two different store-fronts she uses and being able to keep an eye on both is something she's been trying to figure out.

I was rather startled yesterday afternoon when out of the blue(ish) I had a texting conversation with the woman I went on a couple of dates with a couple of years ago - back then referred to as "CL". She was in the midst of the drama of her divorce and had a lot of stuff she was going through and so we drifted apart. It appears that when the weather gets nicer that we're going to go walking together. She had messaged me a month or so ago and suggested we get together for drinks - again when restrictions are lifted so I shifted that out to the back-burner. I feel different about it this time. Previously I had been in a bit of awe of this very attractive, intelligent and outgoing woman who seemed to be in hot pursuit of me. She does have some qualities that I wasn't overly keen on such as a bit of a rather blunt way of saying things at least at the time.

We had a nice chat though until I had to go and make myself dinner. She does seem to have mellowed a bit which is no real surprise given before she was in the midst of a high conflict divorce. I like her as a person and consider her not quite a friend but certainly close to that category. She still has her 2 kids at home although her oldest I think is at least 19. We've touched base a few times over the years, usually whenever I see something that her son might be interested in as we have a couple of over-lapping interests.

I don't know if she's tried to date at all but given that generally speaking she would only be looking at people inside her faith community the odds are pretty high that she's just been living her life. I'm not part of that community myself but she knows I'm respectful of it and I am in many ways a known quantity as technically we are related although there are no blood ties.

The odds are non-zero that she's on the hunt and that I'm in her sights. She certainly seemed to have "us" all figured out a couple of years ago at least as far as going traveling together. She's an executive at an engineering firm so certainly not a rescue by any measure.

---

Should be a busy but positive weekend. I need to go to the bank and restock on cash, stop by the butcher shop and pick up my order and then cleaning, laundry and hopefully some more work on the local history book I've been editing. Tomorrow I'm getting together for brunch with my son for the first time in a loooong time - part of what I'm picking up at the butcher shop is as a treat for him.

---

Well - I still need to clean out the snow from the driveway, finalize the grocery list and get under way. First need to review the budget and make the various notes that I keep my brain in while I'm running errands.

Still haven't figure out what to make for dinner although pan-seared chicken is up on the list. I'd like to try something new but am not sure what. I have looked at some recipes for small batches of biscuits but the calorie count is off the charts - no wonder they are so good. They also call for buttermilk or heavy cream which I don't want to keep in stock. Maybe just need to plan on making these the next time I have to get cream for one of the cream sauces I like to make.

I have the pantry largely purged of the left-over stuff from when S and crew were here. Some stuff like canned soups aren't a regular thing but they keep. The freezer is down pretty good - the box with the dead critters in it is easily accessible crazy I'm trying to figure out what to do with the 2 large beef roasts I have. The sort that would feed 10 people. I'm tempted to ask around to see if anyone wants them. I also have a stack of soup bones that I will probably make broth with sometime before spring. Once the few remaining bigger things are out of the freezer I'll be able to power it down. I'd offered it to S - no clue if she will take it or not.

Stay safe everyone.


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Originally Posted by Andrew
Getting my physical house in order has I think helped a lot with my mental house. Perhaps a variation of "Mens sana in corpore sano".

This is my focus right now, Marie Kondo and Kathi Lipp! I'm glad it's having the effect for you I'm hoping it'll have on me. I have company coming over this afternoon which will help me double my efforts. wink

Originally Posted by Andrew
I just wanted to sit on the sidelines and see if I dared put my toe out eventually.

I think like me she was starved for human company. She's having an open house today so I'll probably pop in again - she said there will be home-made cookies available..

The odds are non-zero that she's on the hunt and that I'm in her sights. She certainly seemed to have "us" all figured out a couple of years ago at least as far as going traveling together. She's an executive at an engineering firm so certainly not a rescue by any measure.

Andrew, you sound like you're doing more than dipping a toe in, lol! It sounds like you feel kinda ready and in 1-3 months we're going to hear the PG-version of some romantic happenings. I don't know where you are exactly in your journey--does dating now align with your values, have you thought through what you require of a partner?

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Take it slow, Andrew. You’re already making excuses for the anti-masker lady, and glossing over some of the things you didn’t like about CL. While it’s fine to have a friendly drink or meal with a friend, we just don’t want to see you do the same thing of putting an overly-generous spin on things like you did with S. A “very intense person who powers through” might be a domineering person who doesn’t really have enough empathy for others to wear a mask. Or might be someone impulsive who doesn’t plan well and always functions in crisis mode. Only time and really getting to know someone can answer those questions. You get attached too easily once sex is in the mix, so keep things slow and friendly with any of these women .

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Andrew, if these things didn't work out in the past there was a darn good (or several darn good) reason(s).

Slow. Steady. Eye on the prize - you own internal self.

Why don't you date yourself for a while? See how that goes?


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Thanks for the kick in the realities. Putting down the whitewash brushes as best I can. Fortunately because of the lock down I am somewhat protected from myself.

On an aside, S and EX#2 (or 3) stopped by and picked up more stuff. Their S18 by their account is settling in his new place ok. Her D19 and BF are moving in with her, losing their spot with her ex partner. So glad I'm not part of any of that drama.

She also apologized for the banking mixup, blaming the bank staff and only dancing around the fact that she accused me of not hearing something she never said.

It sounds like her Dad's house will be auctioned off shortly (?) and she still hasn't figured out where she will live. From what I gathered she may be sending her youngest off to an Aunt but then again there are so many moving parts that keeping track would involve caring.

I felt a bit bad for her because she was obviously in a lot of physical pain probably from moving her kids here and there but I had no urges to rescue.

Oh. And the gift shop lady had no cookies so I was sad.


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No cookies????

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bake your own cookies. they're probably better anyway.

I have zero sympathy for S ... lots for her kids.


M 20+ T25+
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D 12/23/16

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Andrew, you sound like you're doing more than dipping a toe in, lol! It sounds like you feel kinda ready and in 1-3 months we're going to hear the PG-version of some romantic happenings. I don't know where you are exactly in your journey--does dating now align with your values, have you thought through what you require of a partner?
This is a regular question here. I've learned that it needs to be turned upside down. What "don't" I want with a partner instead.

Things I don't want - sadly based on what I've encountered rather than pre-thought out.
- poor financial literacy. It's ok to be broke but balancing a cheque-book shouldn't be beyond them.
- controlling personality
- a wish for a Brady Bunch reunion - I have my own kids, don't need to be Dad to someone else's
- wanting to change how I dress, where I live
- moving too fast and pushing for cohabitation
- poor life skills - needs to be able to care for themselves and their surroundings
- NO HOARDERS
- NO LIERS

I personally believe that a surprising number of middle-aged women fall into one or more of these categories as do undoubtedly a large number of men.

While I'm getting more open to the idea of dating it being roughly 4 months since S and I split, even the idea of getting a cat is still quite a bit for me at present.

During the times from bomb-day up until I started dating now 2 years ago, I felt an empty place in my life that I wanted to fill. Hoping to add to the very good life that I had. Now I feel like I've expanded to fill all the space needed.

In some ways I feel selfish but am getting over that. I used to feel that I had a lot to offer for the right person. It's now switching around to "what's in it for me". And I don't really need much. I'm financially secure both now and going forward into retirement. I'm able to cook, clean, do household maintenance, manage my finances all on my own. At nearly 57 the biological urges aren't nearly as strong as they would have been 30 years ago although they certainly still exist.

I lead a fairly full life despite the lockdown with hobbies, interests, work, friends and family. I miss the theatre, flea markets, museums, and good restaurants. Things that are indeed better with someone else. I like feeding people - cooking for 1 takes quite a bit of effort but I don't want to be on the hook for cooking for multiple people every day. It's exhausting. And I don't have any interest in cooking for groups of 8 or more more than once or perhaps twice a year.


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Quote
poor financial literacy. It's ok to be broke but balancing a cheque-book shouldn't be beyond them.


Well - it’s only ok to be broke if it was due to circumstances beyond their control. Not due to poor life choices or spending habits. Any woman in your dating age range should be at least able to pay her own bills, and ought not to be broke unless she’s had an ex who stole/spent all the money or has developed a medical disability (or possibly had a business failure due to Covid). Unfortunately many women are not good with budgeting or have a princess mentality that a man is always gonna save them - but there should also be plenty of women who know how to live within an adult job income. As I’ve said before, I’d rather date someone with a modest income who knows how to live within that income, than someone with a large incomes who spends beyond their means and runs up debt.

Perhaps one screening question (not for a first date, though, obviously) is “what are your plans, financial and otherwise, for retirement?” Someone who says “oh, I’ll never be able to afford to retire” or “I’ve never given it any thought” is probably not a match. Someone who says “ I’m trying to pay off my mortgage before retirement “ or “I think if I downsize I’ll be able to live on my pension “ or even “I plan to retire to a sunny third world country where I can live well on my retirement benefits” would probably be worth considering.

Please note - it’s less about what assets they have for retirement, and more about whether their head is in the sand or they’re actually being proactive about their finances. Even my BFF who freezes up if you even try to do math around her budget, has a half-baked plan: continue to teach music into old age, collect social security, hope the sale of her deceased husband’s papers goes through, get her only son through college so that he can earn a good income, and exercise daily to stay healthy. She also does not spend frivolously.

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