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Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918200
04/26/21 01:08 PM
04/26/21 01:08 PM
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DejaVu6 Online
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Love the update D... and also the change in your signature. Trying to teach my 13 year-olds the concept of grace. Being good to each other without expectations of reciprocal behaviour...treating people well because of who you are, not because of who they are. My d13 said yesterday, ďI treat people the way they treat me.Ē So...still a ways to go...lol. Thanks for being you!!! (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918218
04/26/21 04:37 PM
04/26/21 04:37 PM
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kml Online
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LOve the concept.

But D - one question. You have been divorced for several years now. Your ex shows no signs of recovering from whatever craziness she has. Your kids have moved out.

Are you ever going to dip your toe back into the dating pool?

Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918222
04/26/21 06:28 PM
04/26/21 06:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,900
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DnJ Offline OP
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DV - I love what your daughter said. Lol. So honest and truthful. The best place to grow from, for the roots will be strong and deep. Sheís got an excellent role model, so no worries.

kml - Just over three and a half years since BD. XW has remained almost completely contact-free with me. The last being daughterís high school graduation this past June, and that was only a few words as we sat six feet part outside by the parking lot.

Iíve not seen, nor heard, any positive signs of her recovering or making some small iota of forward progress. Of course, that is my definition of positive and forward, my lens and view of the world, she may feel and probably does feel differently.

Iíve also not seen nor heard any negative signs either. XW has gone quite quiet it seems. She rarely reaches out to the kids, and never reaches out to me. Iíve not, nor my Mom, nor anyone Iíve spoken too, seen her around town in a very long while. The last confirmed sighting was Christmas Eve, when I shuttled a drunk S20 to OMís for a very quick visit with his Mom (after a string of nonsensical texts from her) to pick up the presents. He and I had supper with Grandma and stopped by on the way back to my home. Oh, that was pretty funny, him refusing to go inside, standing on the deck in just a T-shirt and jeans, mom dressed for indoors, in the -40C with a windchill around -50C. Door open, her standing in the doorway, S20 standing back just out of arms reach. It was around 30 seconds and she went back in.

Her 50th birthday is a few weeks. Motherís Day is just before it. None of the kids have plans to see her. In fact, S22 and GF, and S20 have called and made plans to visit me. S22 is bringing a few racks of ribs, by the way. Not really pertinent to your question, but I do so like ribs!

Am I ever going to dip my toe into the dating pool? I honestly donít know. You know me well enough to know I believe in possibilities - so it is possible I will and it is possible I wonít. Neither is written off, and neither is a confirmed lifeís direction. I am letting the future unfold as it will in this matter - sort of.

The whole marriage vow thing. Still havenít decided to alter that belief of mine. Some thoughts behind that:

Everything is based upon the choices we make. If you donít like the results, make different choices.

I like and love my life. I am a good role model to my kids (and others). I sleep soundly and live contently. Why would I want different results?

Not dating more than feels right. The conviction comes from deep within. A belief. It influences thoughts and feelings.

Now, to be honest, I never desired to be a monk. Lol. Forced celibacy and living a forced single life would be torment. However, itís not forced. Weird huh? I choose this path.

Would I like to be with someone? Yes.
Travel with someone? Yes
Explore, share, and experience life with someone? Yes
Would I date? Maybe. Although, right now it would/could only be XW. (That death do us part is really stuck in me. smile )

I know Iím strong enough to alter my belief. And Iím even stronger to not alter it. Hmmm. Choices and results. This particular choice/path once taken has no going back.

And since Iím being all candid, there are many strong stable women I find attractive and admirable. Very date-able. Here and in real life. In fact, in the last month Iíve had my good ďgirlĒ friend try to set me up with her divorced friend. I am tempted and not, at the same time. Weirdly not conflicted, just choosing the stronger path, I suppose.

I was open and straightforward with my friend about my values and reasons. She is a women of strong faith and I inquired as to how she managed to overcome her vows (she is remarried). She didnít have very good strong reasoning or ideology of how to get from here to there. And, unless my empathic spidey sense is way off, well...it upset her. I find it best not to discuss this with those who have made the plunge into the pool.

I do appreciate your question. You can see the seriousness of it and itís depth for me.

I suppose I couldíve answered a simple maybe. Though, I believe you deserve a better answer than that, as rambling as it is.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918231
04/26/21 09:06 PM
04/26/21 09:06 PM
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kml Online
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Quote
I like and love my life. I am a good role model to my kids (and others). I sleep soundly and live contently. Why would I want different results?


Well - a few thoughts.
Life is short - every year you spend without female companionship is one less year of companionship. Not a necessity if you prefer to live like a monk or have lost interest in sex, but there's a lot of life to be lived out there. You were understandably busy with raising your kids and making sure they survived the fallout, but they are well-settled now.

Those vows - she has released you from those vows by divorcing you and taking up with another man. Yes, I know, I was raised Catholic - but seriously, my ex FIRED ME FROM THAT JOB and I don't see why I have to be lonely for the rest of my life just because he went off the rails.Life is too short for that. And I don't believe god wants that for us.

The kids - let's imagine, for a moment, that your ex got sober or got mental health treatment or whatever it would take, and wanted to come back. YOU might take her back, but how do you think your kids would feel about that? I took my ex back after his affair and DB'd the heck out of my marriage. It was almost 8 years later when he hit his final MLC crisis (and concussions) and left. I would have said the years between those two events were good ones and good for my kids. Now they tell me they were always waiting for the other shoe to fall and it provoked a lot of anxiety for them, me staying with their father through their teen years.

You can have compassion for her, wish her well (I still wish my ex well) - you could even work to help her recover her mental health and restore her relationship with the kids if that's what you want to do. But that's different than giving up very valuable years of your life waiting on her to return. I was 52 when my ex left - it seems like just yesterday but I'm turning 65 now. I thank god I had processed everything during our years together and had peace in my heart that I had done everything. I'm glad I didn't waste half of that time since divorce waiting around for him to maybe come to his senses. Don't take your youth and health for granted. Don't postpone living.

Now, if you really are still hoping for her to turn around and be reunited - don't you think that at this point, maybe you should be speaking to her, feel her out, seeing if you can steer her towards some help? If that is truly your intention?

Or if your intention is simply to be the "better" one who didn't violate your vows - be careful you're not setting an example for your kids that suggests they should stay in a marriage even if it's abusive or harmful to them in some way.

I fulfilled my vows. I did everything possible to save my marriage. I never looked at another man. I was a loving wife and companion. No purpose would be served by me remaining celibate and without a companion for the rest of my days. I MIGHT choose that for myself at some point, but that would be a conscious decision that those things no longer have value for me.

I suspect you might be suffering still from some PTSD over the abrupt and crazy way your marriage ended. And maybe you still need some closure by actually talking with your exW about it, or trying to help her get the help she so obviously seems to need. But you also need to remember you do not have control over her life. She made the choices she did and is sticking with OM so far.

Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918233
04/26/21 09:33 PM
04/26/21 09:33 PM
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Hi Kml,

I fully understand what you say but I know quite some people who live a fulfilling and very happy life, although they don't have a partner. They simply don't need anybody, but other people need this to be happy.
I think it depends upon the person.

Can't it also just be that falling in love with somebody is something that should just happen to you? (don't know the exact English wording for it but I hope you know what I mean)

You can just be happy with yourself, with your family and friends around you, you are open to a possible new relationship, but do not necessarily have to look for it. I also don't see myself searching for it.

I also don't need a man, (maybe it is still too fresh for me and I like being alone for now) but if somebody ever comes my way who I think is worthy and who I like I would definitely give it a chance.

I suppose DnJ would may be considering this in that respect too?


Me (43) H (42)
M:14 T:18, S16, S13 & S13
4/19 BD1 ILYB & OW1 until 02/20
02/20-08/20 Home
08/20 Moves abroad for W
12/20 BD2 wants divorce, I agree (possible OW2)
02/21 I file since no action from H
Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918238
04/26/21 10:02 PM
04/26/21 10:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Online
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I'm not saying everyone needs to be in a relationship - as I mentioned, it's possible that in the future I might make a conscious decision not to bother anymore. Some are happy by themselves. Some don't care to have a sexual or intimate relationship with the opposite sex again and that's perfectly fine for them. That's just not the impression D has given.

But also don't just wait around thinking that person will just drop in your lap. It's simply not that easy to meet single people after a certain age, if you want a relationship you need to be proactive about meeting people, either through a singles group, online, or through activities where there might be a reasonable proportion of age-appropriate single people involved. Deciding to not put any effort in and just wait for it to happen organically is basically a decision to remain single for people over, say, 40.

Last edited by kml; 04/26/21 10:02 PM.
Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918293
04/28/21 03:39 PM
04/28/21 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by DnJ
S22 is bringing a few racks of ribs, by the way. Not really pertinent to your question, but I do so like ribs!

Am I ever going to dip my toe into the dating pool? I honestly donít know. You know me well enough to know I believe in possibilities - so it is possible I will and it is possible I wonít. Neither is written off, and neither is a confirmed lifeís direction. I am letting the future unfold as it will in this matter - sort of.

The whole marriage vow thing. Still havenít decided to alter that belief of mine. Some thoughts behind that:

Everything is based upon the choices we make. If you donít like the results, make different choices.
I'm not sure I agree with what kml suggests about being hard to meet single people after a certain age - but then again she has a deeper knowledge of these things than I do.

I do expect that it's a lot different for men than women because women - paradoxically - tend to date older and that pool diminishes pretty quickly especially as time passes. And having been actively pursued by multiple women - I fully expect that your friend who had an available friend will be repeated. There does appear to be a shortage of available stable middle-aged men out there although I know of a number of bachelors as well who fit that bill too.

On the other hand, other than people in their early 20s, the whole "the good ones are all taken" story is pretty much commonplace so judge accordingly. I certainly found the prize in the fruit loops last go around.

I can certainly appreciate how you don't want to let go of your vow. It's a very personal decision and I struggled with that as well. I don't agree with the mind-set that a third party can release you from your vows, even if your vow involves them.

I do recall that your kids early on were very supportive of you dating and probably still are - but if you don't want to, there is no actual rule that eligible middle-aged men have to go out and find someone. At least not that I'm aware of.

From what I see through the very narrow window here, you are leading a life that is as full as you want it to be and are not rushing into irrevocable choices. Maybe that will change in a few months when you retire - or perhaps maybe not.

Oh - I like ribs too. Need to practice more on my preparation of them though. Going to do yours on the BBQ?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918313
04/29/21 02:22 AM
04/29/21 02:22 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,900
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DnJ Offline OP
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Hello friends

Thank you for the feedback and viewpoints. Interesting and thought provoking. And appreciate all your honest posts and beliefs. My responses are not argumentative, only illustrating my beliefs. Looking at both views. Strengthening, altering, and such.

kml, you are correct that each year I go without companionship is another year less of companionship. Life is finite and as you say, there is lots of life to live out there.

Originally Posted by kml
Those vows - she has released you from those vows by divorcing you and taking up with another man.

XW taking up with another man only broke her vows and does not absolve me of mine.

Originally Posted by kml
my ex FIRED ME FROM THAT JOB and I don't see why I have to be lonely for the rest of my life just because he went off the rails.Life is too short for that. And I don't believe god wants that for us.

I agree. My ex also fired me. And I do not see why I have to be lonely either. Thing is there is a difference between alone and lonely.

I do believe God doesnít want me to be lonely either. What He does want for me, is perhaps up in the air at the moment.

Originally Posted by kml
The kids - let's imagine, for a moment, that your ex got sober or got mental health treatment or whatever it would take, and wanted to come back. YOU might take her back, but how do you think your kids would feel about that?

I know what my kids think about that, because Iíve talked with them. It goes along with the next bit.

Originally Posted by kml
Now, if you really are still hoping for her to turn around and be reunited - don't you think that at this point, maybe you should be speaking to her, feel her out, seeing if you can steer her towards some help? If that is truly your intention?

My true intentions are to continue to live my great single life.

Some future reuniting needs to be initiated by XW. Nothing big and lavish, a small whisper of doubt is fine. I would love to steer her towards some help. She was an incredible women, mom, wife, person and now not so much.

In my heart of hearts, with all sincerity, there exists two hopes/wishes. First is she hits rock bottom. Decides this is rock bottom and starts climbing out. I would help and support her, if she wanted. I would be willing to explore to see if we have any chemistry still, any sparks. This is the dating I would be willing to consider.

Second view. She never wakes up and continues to live and believe whatever fantasy life she sees. That she lives out the rest of her days, happy (how ever that may be expressed in her mixed up mind).

I seriously do not wish upon her a life of regret and pain, nor the inability to move from that.

From those difficult conversations, my kids realize their Mom is not who she was. They understand her life and her choices she made. Be those more driven or more chosen as they may be. It is important and necessary for XW to reach out of the abyss, to choose to seek a different reality.

Originally Posted by kml
Or if your intention is simply to be the "better" one who didn't violate your vows - be careful you're not setting an example for your kids that suggests they should stay in a marriage even if it's abusive or harmful to them in some way.

We all have dark upon our soul. Better, worse, good, bad... Love the person, forgive the sin. That includes self.

Iíve never broken my wedding vow. True. My explaining and being role model to my children shows the importance of marriage. The level that such a relationship should be held. To consider and fully understand and mean ďI doĒ, when they say it.

Vows do not mean one has to remain in an abusive harmful relationship. We should definitely purge/limit toxic elements from our lives. However, for better or for worse, til death do us part, etc... means something. Ensure you make that vow with eyes open and soul committed.

Originally Posted by kml
I fulfilled my vows. I did everything possible to save my marriage.

kml, thank you. Bless you for being honest with me. I seriously am not in rebuttal mode.

I know my views are rather rare and even almost singular in the general population. Heck, even somewhat around here. I do understand ďI fulfilled my vowsĒ. I get the idea, and I donít. My struggle is my vow isnít fulfilled yet, and maybe cannot be by my actions. XW and I are both living so.... Hmmm. Things to ponder.

Originally Posted by kml
I suspect you might be suffering still from some PTSD over the abrupt and crazy way your marriage ended. And maybe you still need some closure by actually talking with your exW about it, or trying to help her get the help she so obviously seems to need. But you also need to remember you do not have control over her life. She made the choices she did and is sticking with OM so far.

Quite true, I have no control over XW. And she appears to be committed to remaining with OM.

I do recall my days of post trauma and the effects and responses of that time. Oh, those were some long months. Today, I do not suffer any loss of appetite or sleep. I do not have anxiety, stress, or uncontrollable emotional responses. I am depression free and enjoy my single life.

My marriage ended in such a crazy sudden manner. It is an amazing story. Actual closure is probably forever beyond my reach, though it matters not. I have acceptance and forgiveness, understanding and empathy, compassion and indifference. The gal, XW, that could possible tell me more is mixed up and lies. If W were to return she would not understand the why of her wild irrational actions. So, I let go, and embrace my life.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Can't it also just be that falling in love with somebody is something that should just happen to you? (don't know the exact English wording for it but I hope you know what I mean)

I agree falling in love, infatuation (I thinks thatís the word you were looking for), can just happen. And I agree with kml, that finding someone usually takes some effort. If oneís put in no effort, their results will yield the same. Kind of like everything in life.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
...if somebody ever comes my way who I think is worthy and who I like I would definitely give it a chance.

I suppose DnJ would may be considering this in that respect too?

That is the conundrum. If someone happens along.

Iím not actively looking to date. I am open to the possibilities because of who I am and how I view the world. And just because something is possible doesnít make it probable or even something Iíd seek out. But, lol, notice the justifying conjunction usage of the word ďbutĒ.

But, if someone happened along... I donít know. So far, itís been no. Nothing too major, just turning down offers of double date with girl friendís friend.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I can certainly appreciate how you don't want to let go of your vow. It's a very personal decision and I struggled with that as well. I don't agree with the mind-set that a third party can release you from your vows, even if your vow involves them.

Thank you Andrew. I can appreciate how one can let go of their vow. Iím working on see how to get from here to there, and firstly figuring out if I even want too. Like most things, if/when I make up my mind I find a solution and path pretty quickly.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I do recall that your kids early on were very supportive of you dating and probably still are

Yes, you are correct on the supporting me. However, I never had a date. I did try to arrange one but she wasnít ready. Neither was I, truthfully.

My kids are still ok with the idea of a stepmom. They even got all excited when I got a call from a friend. They asked who was calling and I told them her name, and they oohed and awed. I told them she is a friend not a girlfriend. Lol. So, yes they are supportive. Either way actually. They respect me and my life.

Something I consider. Look to be satisfied in life instead of successful. Success is measured by others, satisfied is measured from self.

I am satisfied. But......

Lol.

Patience. Answers and the future will reveal themselves in time.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Oh - I like ribs too. Need to practice more on my preparation of them though. Going to do yours on the BBQ?

Sadly, no ribs coming. S22ís GF had to be picked up from school where she teaches. She became suddenly ill and now they are both isolating as she hopefully quickly recovers. This of course has put our weekend get together on hold.


Thanks all.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918493
05/04/21 01:21 PM
05/04/21 01:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,090
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neffer Offline
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Hey dear friend!

Iím still followingÖfrom far far away.

I see your light from here.


:-)


WW H(me): 50
W: 46
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: A Great Life #10 [Re: DnJ] #2918497
05/04/21 02:20 PM
05/04/21 02:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,900
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Good Morning neffer


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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